“The Radio Demon’s
Guide to the Inferno”
By Alastor “Hazbin”
Cajun
Edited by Niffty
(What it
says on the back)
“You poor
sack of former human skin and sin. You died and are stuck in Hell. Now what?
Fear not, for in this book, you shall find the answers you seek on what you need
to know to survive the inferno. You’ll learn how to stay safe and entertain
yourself during the Extermination. You’ll get a sneak peek on the origins of
voodoo, radio, and Jambalaya. And as for becoming a better person and getting
out of this mess? You’re probably stuck here forever until you die again, but
this book will provide you with handy information and a much needed cure for
your boredom!”
*Includes a
free pamphlet for the Hazbin Hotel and how to tune in to 66.6 FM.*
About the
author: Alastor “Hazbin” Cajun was born January 24, 1896 in New Orleans,
Louisiana. He died in 1933 and is now one of the most powerful demons Hell has
ever seen. In his spare time, he loves broadcasting his murders on the radio,
cooking meals, making dolls, and performing. As of 2020, he is 87 years old in
Hell and 124 years chronologically. However, his friend princess Charlie is 200
+ years old, despite having the appearance of a teenager!”
This is a story of a book, a book called “The Radio Demon’s
Guide to the Inferno”--not an Earth book, never published on Earth, and until
the Exterminations occurred, no Earthling has ever heard of it.
It is a remarkable book in Hell, though.
It is highly successful, written by the one and only Radio
Demon Alastor. It’s more successful than Angel Dust’s “Guns, and Poses: Turf
Wars in Style,” “Lust is a Must,” and “Being Gay in a World of Macho Sinners.” Unfortunately
for the following authors, Charlie Magne’s book “Rainbows Inside Everyone”
remains one of the lowest ranked books along with Vaggie’s “Men Are Pigs.”
Alastor got his book revised by his associate Niffty and
published by Husk (after bribing him with money and booze. Niffty had to help
him with the publishing process and stop him from using his money to bet on who
would win the local Hellhound races.) Alastor hopes that his book will soon
topple Hell’s number one bestseller from the king of Hell: Lucifer Magne’s
“Fall From Grace.”
It has many passages that may be inaccurate, and it does warn
the reader never to cross said Radio Demon, unless they’re curious about what
their organs look like from the outside.
The majority of this story is broadcasted on radio, for if
all the info were piled in a book, it’d take several leagues of demons to carry
it.
There are many benefits to this book. This book is slightly
cheaper than Angel Dust’s works and it has the word “Smile!” written in large
friendly letters on the cover. In an old fashioned TV is the number 66, the
meaning of life in Hell.
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Jambalaya: (Page 14)
“Jambalaya is a traditional dish that
originated in Louisiana in the 18th century. The dish was a result
of attempts to make a variation of paella for Spanish colonists. Although the
recipe was adapted by the Spanish, but Senegalese slaves brought the knowledge
of rice cultivation form West Africa. German immigrants brought their secrets
of sausage making to Cajun country. And one can’t forget the influence of
French and Native Americans, whom contributed more flavor. (meaning they likely
added peppers and seasoning, not their own flesh).
“Jambalaya consists of rice, sausage,
shrimp, and a variety of vegetables mixed together in a tasty gumbo. The “holy
trinity” mixture consists of diced onion, celery, and bell peppers, a necessity
for flavor in regards to the traditional method.
Common meats used are smoked pork
sausage, paired with chicken, though diced ham, shrimp, crabmeat or crawfish
can also be added.
There are two main types of
Jambalaya: Red Jambalaya, also known as Creole Jambalaya, due to the use of red
tomatoes and Brown Jambalaya, more often used in Cajun country. Both are
equally tasty.
Jambalaya is a rice dish, thus it is
not a gumbo nor is it etouffee. Gumbo is more like soup and etouffee is more
like a stew.
Fun Fact: hunting is a beloved
pastime in south Louisiana. It’s not uncommon for hunters to add game like
duck, pheasant, and venison to their Jambalaya recipe. (Venison is my personal
favorite, especially after a good hunt.) If you really want to go bold, feel
free to add small slices of human meat to create a unique lighter pork flavor.)
Do be warned: Jambalaya is no simple
dish to make at times. It is a bad idea to add gunpowder and or wasabi to the
dish. Doing so will likely result in the dish exploding in your poor mother’s
face. Indeed, my mother’s recipe nearly killed her when she drank too much
Southern Comfort Whisky ™ and decided that adding gunpowder was a great idea.
Her face was burnt badly afterwards and there may have been a few slabs of her
dark skin that fell into the dish. When I tasted it, the kick was straight outta
Hell! The spice and chaotic spin of flavor…fantastic!”
Here’s how to make it in a nutshell:
brown your meat, sautee your vegetables, add rice, add liquid bring to a boil,
stir, reduce heat and simmer for 20-25 minutes. Add them all together.
For full instructions, see the next
page.
For instructions on how to hunt deer,
see page 20.”
Reference:
McCormick, “Jambalaya Recipes, History, and FAQs.”
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Voodoo, Hoodoo and dark magic
(Page 177)
“According to Benjamin Radford, Voodoo
is a pop-culture subpart of Voudon, an Afro-Caribbean religion that originated
in Haiti. Followers can be found all over the world, including the United
States. Leslie Desmangles, Haitian professor at Hartford’s Trinity College
describes Voodoo as a system of ethics, stories, songs, proverbs, and folklore
that is passed down through generations. It is an elaborate folk medical
practice system and to her, it is a way of life. (“The Encyclopedia of the
Paranormal” Prometheus Books, 1996.)
In Voodoo belief, Bondye is the
unknowable and the supreme creator God. Voudon emphasizes the worship of
spirits called Loa, each one who represents a different aspect of life. Loas
can help or impede human affairs by possessing the bodies of their worshippers.
They can be good or bad or anywhere in between, so it’s best to always treat
them with respect and leave proper offerings (not human sacrifice but more like
animals, plants, gems etc.) Spiritual possession in Christianity is considered
to be evil, but not in Voudon. In a ceremony guided by a priest or priestess, a
connection to the spirit world and the ancestors is said to be an invaluable
experience. Many practitioners believe in reincarnation.
Voodoo deities are as follows:
Loa Nations:
Rada – (creation, orderly,
beneficial, water spirits)
Petro – (destruction, aggressive,
warlike, New World)
Ghede – (spirits of the dead, loud,
rude fun family, eating glass and hot peppers)
Kongo – Marinette, Simbi (water
serpents, plants, poisons)
Nago – Ogoun –Loa of craftsmen,
metalwork
Deities:
Bondye: The creator god in the Voodoo religion and the loa answer to him. The loa
serve as intermediaries between man and Bondye.
Papa Legba: Sun god Loa associated with the crossroads and
serves as an intermediary between man and the spirit world. In some places, he
is seen as a fertility god, portrayed with a large erect phallus. In other
customs, he is a trickster, or he may be a protector of children. He is
associated with red and black, portrayed as an old man with a straw hat
accompanied by a dog. He is always the first god to be invoked in ceremonies.
Kalfu: moon god and ruler of the night. Patron deity of sorcerers, and those who
practice black magic. He rules bad luck, destruction, and injustices. His
favorite drink is rum laced with gunpowder. He is often seen as a darker
version of Papa Legba.
Maman Brigitte: Loa associated with death and the underworld. She is the consort of Baron
Samedi and is often represented by a black rooster. She is also considered a
goddess of justice. Rum and hot peppers are her favorite diet.
Maman Brigitte is portrayed as a
light-skinned woman with red hair, it is said that she could be descended from
Brigid, the Celtic goddess of the hearth fires and domestic life.
Baron Samedi: Husband of Maman Brigitte, Baron Samedi is the god of death and is both
respected and feared as the keeper of cemeteries. He often appears skeletal,
wearing a top hat and formal tails and dark glasses. He is also a god of
resurrection; only he can welcome a soul to the realm of the dead.
He is known for lewd behavior,
swearing, and mating with other women. He is connected to powerful acts of
magic and is the leader of the Guede, the family of loa who work with the dead.
Erzulie: goddess of beauty and love, epitome of femininity and womanhood. She
represents the cosmic womb in which divinity and humanity are conceived.
Erzulie often grieves that which she cannot obtain, and sometimes leaves a
ceremony weeping. She is sometimes represented as a black Madonna and other
times as an upper class woman in fine clothing and jewelry.
Her three husbands are the war god
Ogun, the sea god Agwe and Damballah. Erzulie feels sadness due to the broken
hearts of humans.
Loco: The god of wild vegetation, herbs and fruits for killing or healing. He
is also the patron deity of doctors and Voodoo priests. His wife is the market
goddess Ayzian (also deity of Voodoo priestesses).
Shango: God of fire, judge, fighter, symbolized by double-axe or ram’s horn.
Ogun: War god Loa associated with
blacksmiths, warriors, and justice. Practitioners call upon Ogun for matters
related to war and conflict and likes offerings of male roosters and dogs. He
is symbolized by an iron knife or machete and has a fondness for pretty women
and rum.
Ogun stood as Ghede Nibo’s godfather
and adopted him.
Oya: goddess of wind, fire, sea, nature and sudden change.
Damballah: The creator of gods and humanity who helped Bondye make the cosmos and is
represented by a giant serpent. His coils shaped the heavens and earth and he
is the keeper of knowledge, wisdom, and healing magic. Damballah looks after
the crippled, albinos, and children. Erzulie is his consort. He loves silver.
His son, Simbi is a white snake god
who brings rain.
Ayida: The goddess of the rainbow and primary wife to creator Damballah. The
pair manifest as intertwined serpents. Ayida also serves as a fertility
goddess. Her favorite offerings are white food. Ayizan, her daughter, is goddess of the marketplace and of
initiation into the sacred truths, making her the head Mambo (Voodoo
priestess.)
Oshun: One of the Orishas, Oshun is a goddess connected to rivers and water. She
is associated with wealth, pleasure, love, beauty, and sexuality. Oshun’s
colors are orange and golden yellow, green and coral.
Yemaya: motherly goddess of the sea
Obatala: Goddess of the heavens, personification of creative energy: old with
white hair
Agwe: The god of the sea and patron deity of sailors and fishermen. Agwe taught
humans how to fish and build boats. He is one of the husbands of the love
goddess Erzulie. Agwe is green-eyed and dresses like a naval officer.
Zaca: The god of agriculture and the harvest. He dresses in denims and a straw
hat. Zaca smokes a pipe, drinks from bottles of rum and wields a machete.
Marassa: Mawa and Lisa:
divine twins: male and female energy, personify sun
and moon
Radford states that Roman Catholicism
imposed their religious beliefs onto many civilizations, including African
slaves. The Africans and African Americans combined Catholicism with their West
African beliefs. A 1685 law forbade the practice of African religions in the
U.S. In fact, slavery was accepted as a tool to convert Africans to
Christianity. In the process, many of their spirits became associated with
Christian saints.
Even though slavery ended in the
1800’s, followers of Voudon were still persecuted by authorities, and their
religion was demonized. In an 1889 book titled “Hayti, or the Black Republic”
(Filiquarian, 2012), Voudon was falsely attributed to cannibalism, human
sacrifice, and other atrocities. This helped to spread fear of the
religion…portraying certain aspects like voodoo dolls, dark magic, zombies etc.
in media and literature. Added onto that, it also strengthened racist
stereotypes: African Americans were viewed as “primal,” and “savage,” due to
their practices and behaviors as perceived by those outside their culture.
Voodoo has gained more respect in
modern times, but all too many people don’t know the truth about it. Even
today, many Christians associate Voudon and Voodoo with Satanism and the
occult. Interestingly enough, voodoo dolls have little to do with the actual
rituals.
Here’s how I found out about Voodoo.
It started a long time ago back when I was alive. My mother Loretta was Creole,
and her ancestors came from Haiti. She told me that my grandmother Antoinette
Duvalier was a powerful Voodoo priestess who once lived in Haiti but immigrated
to the U.S. as a slave. Even though she was treated like dirt by the
predominant owners and whites, she was well respected by those who knew her.
Legend states that she was related to Marie
LaLaurie, (1787-1849), New Orleans serial killer, cruel to Creole slaves. In
fact, my cousin is Clementine Barnabet, a Louisiana voodoo priestess and serial
killer, killed families with an axe.
Needless to say, my mother followed in her
footsteps as much as possible. Though during her life, she mostly had to work
in low level secretary jobs as women didn’t have many opportunities. She taught
me everything there was to know about Voodoo, cooking, singing, sewing, (and
yes, cannibalism in dire circumstances, though she didn’t like to talk about
that.) She warned me multiple times that magic was, indeed, real, and to never
use it for evil. There were “evil” Loas as well as “good” ones. She told me
that Voodoo wasn’t about cannibalism or sacrifice.
As you can imagine, I didn’t listen
in the long run. For several reasons.
One was my father, Louis. A white,
strong man with black hair, a mustache and French heritage. He constantly tried
to shove the Bible down my throat. He would whip and abuse me whenever I didn’t
meet his expectations of being a man. That bastard would sleep with other women
behind my mother’s back but of course, she couldn’t do anything about it.
I was scared of him. I was tempted to
cry whenever he would hit her for no apparent reason. But both my parents told
me to always smile, so I did. I’ve learned to hide my emotions and keep up a
façade ever since. It’s necessary when you’re a radio host by day and a serial
killer by night. Nobody would suspect a friendly comedian to be the Bayou
Butcher/Louisiana Lunatic of New Orleans. It’s how I managed to get away with
my actions for so long until my brutal death by dogs and being shot in the
head.
Two was the opportunity for power. I
learned that in a hard life of bullying at school, and blatant racism for being
of mixed heritage, you take any opportunity that comes your way.
I was so caught up in the prospects
of deal making that even I started to believe the cannibalism and
misconceptions of Voodoo.
Basically, I came across a Satanic
ritual book dropped by a group of imps from Hell on accident. It was in this
book that I learned about spells, cannibalism, and black magic. I came upon a
passage with instructions on how to gain near unlimited power in the afterlife.
I made a deal with Kalfu and the Petro Loas of destruction. (My mother
supported the benevolent Rada like I did once.) It was a risky one: to gain
such power, I would have to bear witness to at least three deaths, a victim, a
loved one…and myself. Turns out it all happened, after I killed many victims in
Kalfu’s name, and when I eventually died. My mother died from the Spanish Flu
and my father got what he deserved after I tracked him down and tortured him.
Strangely enough, whether it’d be guilt or his meat I ate, I felt sick for
several days afterwards.
My deal with Kalfu and the dark Loas
was how I got my current powers in Hell. You probably noticed my use of blood
magic and how red voodoo symbols hover in the air whenever I use my powers. Not
to mention me having control over voodoo imps, dolls, and shadow spirits. I am
quite powerful, but I can’t use too much at once…it can be very taxing to use
dark magic. But that deal was well worth it and now I make deals with other
demons around at times. It’s how I got Husk and Niffty on my side…I summon them
and they have no choice but to assist me!”
References:
Radford, Benjamin, (2013). “Voodoo: Facts About Misunderstood
Religion” LiveScience. https://www.livescience.com/40803-voodoo-facts.html
© Edward
Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog 2014. https://glitternight.com/2014/08/13/the-top-eleven-deities-in-voodoo-mythology/
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Cannibalism (Page 65)
“Along with deer meat, jambalaya and
many other kinds of food, I also have a rare fondness for eating humans and
demons. You’re probably thinking: ‘Oh god, how gross and horrible! Who in their
right mind would eat their own kind?’
Apparently, there are some tribes and
a few cultures in the world that still engage in the practice. Not to mention
several killers throughout the years. There are many kinds of animals such as
the cane toad and redneck spider, who eat their own kind. Human ancestors have engaged in the act for
survival, or ritual purposes. And in Hell, it’s as common as getting into
fights with other demons.
In early history of human species,
human and Neanderthals coexisted together, interbred, ate together and
sometimes ate each other. Homo antecessor, the last common ancestor between
Neanderthals and modern humans would often eat rival group members. Early
humans in Europe practiced ritual cannibalism.
Around the 12th century, human
remains were incorporated into medical practices for remedies. “Corpse
medicine” remained in use until the late 18th century. The Aztec and
the Inca engaged in cannibalism as part of a sacrificial religious rite. In
Germany, some executioners would sell leftover body parts as medicine. Human
fat was sold as a remedy for arthritis and broken bones. Apothecaries stored
fat, flesh and bone…and let’s not forget that some people eat their own
placentas in modern times.
The word “cannibalism” comes from the
name that the Spanish gave to the Caribs/Canibales. The Caribs were engaged in
anti-colonial battles with European powers…claiming they were cannibals may
have been a fear propaganda tactic by the Spanish.
In Montaigne’s late 1500s essay “Of
Cannibals,” shows an anthropological record of the Tupi people in what is now
Brazil. They would taunt their captives by “entertain[ing] them with threats of
their own death.”
In early America, while some Native
American tribes practiced cannibalism, some colonists had to resort to it, such
as the Jamestown colony in 1610.
But the public commonly associates
cannibalism with the Donner-Party, groups of people that were snowbound in the
Sierra Mountains in 1846-47.
Famine in the USS in the 1920s and
30s took millions of lives and forced survivors to turn to cannibalism, an
event known as the Great Chinese Famine.
In modern times, cannibalism is still
an acceptable practice in some tribes in New Guinea, like the Korowai tribe.
Until the 1950s, the Fore people ate the bodies of relatives as they believed
it would cleanse their spirits.
Also, do not try self-cannibalism…you
will die and I will find it hilarious. In fact, eating humans is considered
taboo nearly everywhere because eating humans can make you sick. This is
especially true if you eat the brain. Eating the brain can cause kuru, a brain
disease similar to mad cow disease. Like any kind of meat, human meat much be
properly cooked and prepared. But as I’m an undead demon, I can eat myself and
others no problem. I don’t really know how I managed to survive when I ate my
victims more often when I was human.
There are tons of ways to prepare
humans and demons and I have used them all:
Baking in the oven
Grilling
Frying in a pan
Steaming in a pot
Barbeque
Cooking over a fire pit
Chopping them on a board and eating
raw pieces
Swallowing whole
References:
Edwards, Phil. (2015) “& Surprising Facts About
Cannibalism” Vox. https://www.vox.com/2015/2/17/8052239/cannibalism-surprising-facts
Talal Al-Khatib (May 13, 2015) “Cannibalism: A History of
People Who Eat People.” Seeker. https://www.seeker.com/cannibalism-a-history-of-people-who-eat-people-1769840684.html
(Using a website with Vox’s name on it…life is a big slap in
the face.)
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Radio Broadcasting (Page 5)
“Many folks call me the Radio Demon
for good reason. One of my signature skills is the ability to broadcast what
goes on around me anytime, anywhere. I’ve always loved being on center stage…I
was a bit of a theater nut back in primary school. Fun fact: My shadow and I
can travel through radios and produce static in the outside world in Hell.
One of the neat things about being a
radio host is you can spread news to anyone in different places in the
world…and no one even has to see you. In my human life, it provided me with a
stable career and something to occupy my mind. My favorite things to talk about
were dad jokes, cooking food, singing songs, and of course, murders that had
happened. My broadcasts had to go underground when my descriptions of murders
became graphic, both when I did them and when other killings were reported on
the news.
My career wasn’t easy to start off
with…it was quite a competitive business and I was lucky to start off as a
janitor and radio repair man for a few years. My dad thought it was a worthless
job but my mother supported me all the way. I slowly moved up the ladder,
learning more techniques as I went along. Soon, I decided I would start my own
show…become self-employed. My career really reached its peak during World War
One and the start of the Roaring Twenties. I could describe all the casualties
of the war to the public, talk about my own victims to my followers, all while
ending with “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile,” my favorite song! I
felt like I was on top of the world…not even my dad nor the ignorant folk could
stop me. Like many people during the age of jazz and splendor, I basked in
riches, ate good food and drinks…had tons of ladies at my feet. They were good
friends, and even better victims! I was never interested in sex and romance…too
many messy emotions. I didn’t want to be touched and nor down by anybody. (Thanks a lot, father.)
All this was before the police found
me, my show was canceled, and my beloved radios destroyed by those seeking
revenge. I smiled, I fell from grace, and I died during the Great Depression.
Life really does have a twisted sense of humor.”
Experimental radio broadcasting began
at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York City, 1910 with a program made by
Lee De Forest. The WWJ Detroit station is considered the first radio station in
the U.S. The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) presented the first national
broadcast in 1926, when I was in my late twenties. From 1925 to 1950, radios
were a major source of family entertainment, where people could listen to
music, stories, and the news. The success of NBC brought the Columbia
Broadcasting System (CBS) into creation by William Paley.
Some radio stations transmit radio
signals using amplitude modulation, which became the term for AM radio. AM
broadcasts can be received at long distances, but the signals and sound are
affected by static. In contrast, other stations transmit signals using
frequency modulation, hence the initial FM. FM waves reproduce sound better.
I died in 1933 when radio was
popular. But my rival, Vox (name means Voice in Latin) died in the 1950s, when
television was becoming popular. He hosted his own program and did picture
shows seemingly all the time. I remember him: tall, white skinned, slick short
dark hair, eyes the color of dull metal. He advertised drugs, phones, cars, and
a whole bunch of things…he enjoyed money a lot. Anything new he liked, new
toys, new tech, new girls, then when they didn’t work, he’d replace them. Made
me sick.
In Hell, I confronted him once and
told him he was a big showoff. I was quite mad that picture shows took over
radio…he even called me an outdated geek with a voice of static! He had this
stupid robotic voice that I couldn’t take seriously. When he shot me in the
head from behind, I had enough. I held him in place with black tentacles,
figuring out how he died. Then I heard someone mention his death…
So…with a loud crash, a large TV
appeared out of nowhere and crushed his stupid face. I was doubling over with
laughter as I left, he picked himself up and yelled, his screen face all
cracked.
So, what should you do in Hell?
Listen to the radio, of course! Picture shows are fun as well, but even they
can’t beat the classic radio. I know you techno folk flock to TV’s and
computers thanks to Vox…both are annoying in my opinion. But radios are a great
source of entertainment, especially when I’m on the air. My show starts at 6AM
and 6PM every other day at 66.6FM. You can find radios in a whole bunch of
stores and at the Hazbin Hotel…and if you’re brave, you can find cursed ones at
the Black Market (all owned by me of course). If any demon gives you trouble,
you can turn the dials a bit and the radio will either crush them or suck them
inside. But be careful…listening for too long may cause you to sing, dance,
experience your fears, and stab anyone within six feet of you. I have plenty of radios in my lair in the
shadow world beneath Hell, but you’ll never be able to go there. But just say
the word and I’ll gladly store your remains in my icebox.”
References:
“Broadcasting: The History of Radio” https://law.jrank.org/pages/4873/Broadcasting-History-Radio.html
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Sewing Voodoo Dolls (Page 38)
“I have made tons of voodoo dolls
both as a human and in Hell. I have my own collection of ones that resemble
Charlie, Vaggie, Husk, Niffty and many others. Niffty helps me sometimes after
she helps make me more clothes. Don’t tell anyone this, but I secretly snuggle
with a doll I made to resemble my mother. She briefly went to Hell in the form
of a powerful voodoo deer, but went up to Heaven before I got a chance to see
her. It’s been decades.”
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Jazz (Page 72)
“Music has always held a special
place in my heart. Growing up in New Orleans, I was surrounded by jazz, live
music, and theater. Playing instruments, singing, dancing, and performing were
not just fun pastimes. Doing these hobbies also helped during certain times.
Take the Great Depression or the Roaring Twenties or my way to bask in the
spotlight as examples. I can play lots of instruments: piano, saxophone,
trumpet, violin and furby organ. If you don’t know what that is, it’s an organ
made from furry robotic toys made by this “LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER” human.”
According to the National Park
Service et al., the early development of jazz (1895) is associated with Charles
“Buddy” Bolden, a popular bandleader. Throughout the 19th century,
diverse ethnical groups cumulated their cultures and styles together, creating
an evolution in music. Musicians of diverse backgrounds were united by their
common love of music.
One of my role models was real life
Edward “Kid” Ory, a guy who lead his own band at age 14 and entertained
dancers. He was the son of a White Frenchman and a Creole Woman of Afro-Spanish
and Native American heritage, pretty much like me. I’m surprised we aren’t
related. During my human life, I played in bands at Economy Hall, a dance hall
that provided social services such as brass band dances for the Black
Community. Many well-known jazz stars included real life Louis Armstrong, Joe
Oliver, Johnny and Warren Dodds etc. During the Jazz Age in the 1920s, I was
quite busy indeed with radio broadcasting career, playing jazz, performing at
clubs and killing people on the side in the name of Kalfu and Satan. Music
helped me get through the loss of my mother’s death via the Spanish Flu. I did
also get my revenge on my father and uncle but that’s a story for another time.”
References:
National Park Service.
(2015) A New Orleans Jazz History https://www.nps.gov/jazz/learn/historyculture/jazz_history.htm
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about the Exterminations (Page 665)
“The annual Exterminations sure are
fun to watch! It’s the one day out of the year where the dark angels travel
from Heaven and into Hell to purge the citizens at random. This is done to
reduce the abnormally high population down here. During the 24 hours, I relax
in the safety of my lair, occasionally going up to watch the slaughters from
inside a building, Niffty and Husk by my side. I broadcast what goes on so
other demons can have their share of entertainment. Not only am I in a safe
place, but anytime the Exterminators try and surround me, I just tear them to
pieces, throw them into portals or just scare them off by staring at them.
There is a collection of horned Exterminator heads I have for decoration along
my mantle and near the stuffed deer heads on display. Their sinister smiles and
Xs over their right eyes adds to the place. Niffty sometimes comes down to my
lair to help spruce it up and even when she leaves, a strong spell ensures that
she will never tell anyone about its location.”
Someday when I rule Hell, the
Exterminators will be the ones who are exterminated. Exterminators carry
spears, swords, and harpoons which can kill any demon instantly. So I always
try to be careful. I know that some demons can sell them on the black market so
they can kill their enemies. I have several of them in a safe to use in
emergencies.
What should you do in an
Extermination? Stock up and lock up, if you’re smart. Make sure you have plenty
of food, drinks and things to keep you entertained during the 24 hours. And be
sure to get the stuff early unless you want to fight a dozen sinners for
groceries. Exterminators fly in the open, so barricade yourself in a building
with few windows and openings. If you’re unlucky enough to be out in the open,
run for your life and say your prayers! You will know when it starts by the
sounds of air raid sirens. When it is over, Charlie will go out to her balcony
and shoot fireworks in the sky, signaling that it’s safe to go out. Feel free
to fight for territory, sing, grab a drink or feast on the deceased…but get in
my way and you’ll regret it.”
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Taking Over Territory (Page 187)
“When I first came to Hell, I was
filled with bloodlust and dark power. Excited to be granted a new form by the
shadow spirits, Satan and the Loas, I took full advantage. I toppled overlords
who had ruled for centuries, and I broadcast my carnage and victories. I defeated
that snake lord guy and grew my supernatural army. Many of the previous
overlords didn’t have much magical power or they were easily fooled by my
speeches and schemes.
But I knew that just having shadows
at my beck and call weren’t enough. I needed corporeal demons to do my deeds as
well. Thus I made deals with Husk, Niffty, and several others. Niffty admired
me and my powers the moment I summoned her from the flames of the burning lake
and into a fireplace at the hotel. She was happy to be free from the fires. My
appearance and charming nature had her blushing and flustered. I told her she
can do the things she enjoys: cooking, cleaning, sewing, reading and writing. Husk
was more reluctant to serve me but I bribed him with money and booze… promising
him “wealth and true love.” Both are beneficial: Niffty is quick on her feet and
Husk is strong and good at gambling. Oh, it sure is fun to mess around with
them.
Additionally, I spend time with my
dear friend and performer Mimzy and Rosie, a fellow overlord. All three of us
are pretty close. The demons know that I’ve conquered a territory by the
presence of tall radio towers nearby. Or whenever some demons go to a certain
area, they encounter some voodoo creatures and shadows who warn them to stay
away.”
How do you take over territory?
Choose your battles well. Don’t rush into a fight thinking you can win. Gather
allies or if you’re powerful enough, just rely on yourself. The time right
after the Extermination is the ideal time to claim land since many demons have
perished. It’s also when many other demons fight over different areas. It’s fun
to hear about it on the picture shows, especially when I’m mentioned.”
Here’s what “The Radio
Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Asexuality (Page 221)
“Some of you may or may not know
this, but I’m asexual and aromantic. I’m not interested in sex nor romantic
relationships with either men or women. Many of you fans have shipped me with
Charlie and Angel and pretty much every other demon in Hell. Tell me
mortals…why in the nine circles would I ever be into my rival Vox, or a
pathetic loner scientist…or Hell forbid, Lucifer? Charlie is a lovely lady and
a good friend, but if she’s no use to me for my plans in the long run, then
she’s not worth it. And Angel…he’s alright, if not annoying and clingy. He
invades my personal space and I certainly do not want to know what goes on in
his perverted head. I’d rather get shot a dozen times than allow Angel to lay
his hands on me (who knows where they’ve been). I don’t really love anyone,
save for myself and my mama. It’s just the way I am.
In my time, sexuality terms did not
exist. Anyone with an abnormal obsession with the opposite sex was called
heterosexual. And homosexual was a derogatory term for those who were outside
the norm in regards to sexuality. It was bad enough that my father and uncle
chided me for not being into girls and sex like a “real man” should. The thought
of merging my body with someone else’s was gross. I invade personal space, but
I feel repulsed when other’s touch me…it’s like I’m not in control in the
situation. Plus, even if I wanted to have sex, there’s no point as sinners
can’t reproduce down here. And I don’t like to be tied down…having to
accommodate my needs for someone. Aside from dancing, having the occasional
dinner with someone nice, there are better things to do in my time than typical
romantic antics. I learned very early on
in my life that the only person I could really trust was myself…Alastor. It
wasn’t hard to put up a charming exterior to make many women fall for
me…including my dear friend Mimzy. The other women and men who stayed around
for a while got tied up in my basement and screamed as I stabbed them and split
their throats. Hey, you never know who will come into your life.”
Asexuality is defined as a lack of
sexual attraction. Asexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone. Those who are
aromantic are not romantically attracted to anyone. However, like sexual
individuals, asexuals are different and have their own needs and levels of
comfort. Some asexuals might be romantically attracted to males, females, or
both. Others might desire intimacy and many are in relationships with asexuals
and sexual individuals. Sadly, many asexuals feel broken and out of place due
to cultural portrayals of sexuality in the media and other institutions.
References:
Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. https://www.asexuality.org/
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