Not too far away from
Pentagram City lay a shady place in the bowels of Hell. “Welcome to Imp City:
est. 1981” was posted on a worn wooden sign with a white painted eye toward the
top. Under a crimson sky, a wide array of buildings made up the city, some with
spikes on the roofs. Downtrodden imps of various colors and sizes mulled around
the streets and ghettos. Mugging, sex, drugs, poverty, and murder were common
aspects of their everyday afterlives. Indeed, being considered “lesser demons”
and the “lowest of the low,” not very many had opportunities granted to them.
Well, save for a unique
family of imps, trying to get their business running.
Just who were these
imps?
A nearby screen showed
old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1. Blitzo, a red and white faced
imp, appeared on stage in front of purple open curtains. “Hi there, I’m Blitzo,
the “o” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.” He put out his hand and the logo
appeared above it. The “M” in I.M.P. looked like imp horns, black and white in
color. Down below were the words “Immediate Murder Professionals.”
Blitzo spoke again. “Are
you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?” A picture of Blitzo with a mustache
and two black top hats over his horns was grinning evilly as a building burned
in the background. The sign nearby read “Orphanage for elderly, blind, and
newborn dogs.”
“Or are you an innocent
soul who just happened to get fucked over by someone else?” The next image
showed Blitzo in a white angel costume, throwing away a Styrofoam coffee cup in
the garbage in an office.
In the next shot, Blitzo
held up a sign which read “Some guy who hired us!” A buff horned red demon
wearing a white Ohio shirt stood not too far from the camera, a 666 News
billboard in the background. He punched one fist into his hand.
“After lovingly killing
my wife for fucking a delivery man, you
can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed
me. I really wish I could stick it to that yapping
charter who saw me hiding the body!”
Blitzo appeared again,
this time with his fellow imps Millie and Moxxie in the background. A
white-clothed altar with a mirror and skulls on it was in the very back. White
candles were spread around the room. The two imps were sitting at a pentagram
drawn on the floor. Blitzo held a blue Satanic ritual book in his hand.
“Well, luckily for you,
thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”
He waved his hand and a
flaming portal appeared in the center of the room, causing Moxxie and Millie to
scatter.
“…we can help you take
care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who may have screwed you
over when you were alive!” He happily fell through the portal on his back.
Then the musical jingle
started:
“When
you want somebody gone
And
you don’t wanna wait too long
Call
the Immediate Murder Professionals”
“Whether
grenade or cyanide
We’ll
make it look like suicide
The
Immediate Murder Professionals”
“We
do our job so well
‘Cause
we come straight up from Hell…”
“We’ll
kill your husband or you wife
We’ll
even let you keep the knife,
The
Immediate…Murder…Professionals.
Kids
die for freeee!”
A white person appeared
with a thought bubble of his enemy with a red x. A demon fell to the floor and
the person looked up. The I.M.P. logo appeared, Millie with a spear, Moxxie
with a gun and Blitzo in the middle, spreading out his arms to make an “M.”
Fast paced shots flashed
through the ad.
Moxxie throwing a grenade
out a window as his companions grinned.
Blitzo hanging a person
in an office building while Moxxie watched. Millie held a piece of paper in her
hand.
Then more killing scenes
flashed: Blitzo electrocuting a person, Millie using a mace, Moxxie choking his
victim.
Blitzo led the way
through a portal to Earth, Millie and Moxxie following. Moxxie tripped on a
book and landed on his face while the others posed. They then stood shocked…at
the people in a church staring at them.
Millie killed a naked
couple with a chainsaw while Blitzo looked greedily at a woman’s underwear.
Blitzo repeatedly stabbed
someone else tied up.
The three imps used more
methods to kill Earthlings: Medieval torture racks, shark attacks, fire and
gasoline, pillow suffocation, crushing someone to death with a grand piano, electrocution
in a lab…
“Kids
die for freeeee!” ended the ad.
Moxxie and Millie sang a murder love
song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxie played on his purple
guitar as Millie watched him with love in her eyes. It reminded them of the
good times when they would shot at demons together in the streets, drag a
bloody sack behind them and when Millie got a grenade as a present and used it
to blow up a building.
“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill
And my Millie goes in for the kill
She takes away my breath
She’s the angel of death for me
Oh Millie
Queen, it’s like a dream
When I hear her victim start to scream
Get him out of the sack
She’s a maniac for me
Oh Millie
When the blood starts dripping down the sides
And the bodies start to fall from the skies
My heart skips a beat
When my Millie’s guns a blazing in the night
That’s in love
She makes the murdering fun for me
A lottery for all the wins of Hell
It’s for her that I fell…”
Both of them hummed before Moxxie
finished,
“Of all
the imps in Hell…
Millie joined in, “It’s for him that I fell…
“Oh
Millie.” They leaned in for a kiss.
They paused. Moxxie yelled, while
looking out the window. His boss, Blitzo was pressed against the window with a
video camera. “Are you fucking filming us right now?!”
Moxxie sighed, as a smiling Blitzo
held up a sign which read “Meeting in 20 min: nice job banging yo’ wife!”
Just before the meeting,
the head imp, Blitzo walked into the receptionist room.
“Blitz!” called Loona,
the hellhound, holding a bone shaped phone in her hand. “That clingy rich
asshole’s on the phone! Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you!” Then she
added in a lower voice, “Sounds a little DTFy.” (Down to Fuck)
Blitzo spilled water on
himself as he talked with Moxxie by the water cooler. “Oh god that was one
time! We wouldn’t have access to the living world…if I hadn’t slept with that
privileged asshole!”
“You what?” Moxxie asked
in disbelief.
“Blitz!” Loona barked in
outrage.
“I heard you already!”
Blitzo yelled. He stomped into his office and picked up his red cell phone. He
played with little bobble heads of his imp coworkers, Moxxie and Millie. Signs
were tacked to the wall, reading: “The Incredible Blitzo! One night only! Tickets
now at the Big Top!”
“So…” Blitzo beamed
nervously, “What can I do for you, Stolas?”
The owl overlord
replied, lounging on his couch in a royal red robe and a crown.
“Remember that time when
I told you that a political candidate was causing problems on Earth? That he
tried to convince the world that global warming existed?”
“Yes?” Blitzo answered.
“And that it does, but
more people die when nothing’s done about it? Oh, how lonely I felt.”
“That make sense,”
Blitzo said.
“But now…” he hooted in
laughter. “There are tons of new sinners coming down here every day! I just had
a feast and a murder party several nights ago. I wondered why a horde of people
arrived and it’s because of a disease called the coronavirus! My, it’s the best
thing to ever happen since my wedding with my queen Melody and my darling
daughter Octavia’s graduation from flight school. Oh, how marvelous!”
“Well…I’m very happy for
you, sir,” Blitzo said. “I hope that…corn-ah virus does its thing.”
Stolas sighed. “My wife
wasn’t happy with me, though. She said you fell onto a cake in the middle of a
lunch with the queen and the royal officials. What did you say to her?”
“I said…sorry I fucked
your husband.” He gulped.
A tense silence.
Blitzo examined his
chest and arms. “I still have the talon scars and peck marks to prove it.”
“And she also said that
you stole one of my books, is that true?”
“No! No way!” Blitzo
lied, with a nervous laugh. “That was another imp long ago. Can I tell you how
great it felt…sleeping with you?”
“Indeed,” Stolas agreed
with a contented sigh. “Your sharp horns and claws ruffling through my
feathers, and my talons and beak exploring your multicolored flesh…”
“Oh fuck a dick…” Blitzo
muttered.
Stolas’ eyes grew red.
“Don’t get into trouble, Blitzy. When I’m angry…or excited…which I am…I become
hungry. Want to know what happens? I want to choke on your ****lick your *****,
tear through your **** leave you screaming as I ***** as you scream like a
fucking baby!”
Blitzo hung up the phone,
the words reading “creepy mouth: aka one night stand bird dick.” and smashed it
with another old phone. He threw the pieces into a blender and mixed it up.
“Here, eat this,” he
told Loona who walked in and drank the red liquid.
“And you know that
bridge over the freeway?” he asked.
“Yeah?”
“Shit off it. It’s time
for the meeting, let’s go.”
The imps currently
resided in a tall office building that seemed to stand out among the other
structures. Along with spikes jutting from the roof and sides, there were a
pair of giant black and white imp horns attached to the sides of the building
for decoration. The lights inside near the top floor were on.
Posted on a door were
the words “IMP Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece
of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.
On a white board was a
bar graph and a line graph, the line graph pointing lower at a drawing of a
raging horned demon. “Fix this shit!” was written in big bold letters that took
up much of the board. “Blitzo is the best, by Blitzo” was scribbled off to the
side. Several tall chairs with spikes jutting from the top boarders were set
near a brown table in the center of the room. A white pentagram was drawn in
the center of the table.
Up front, a black,
white, and red colored imp paced back and forth, sprouting long curved striped
horns: Blitzo. He wore black fingerless gloves with what looked like a yellow
eye design on each glove. He was dressed in a slender navy blue business suit
with light red buttons. A small round pink pin with black eyes and a stitched
mouth was attached onto a red undershirt below his slender chin. What looked
like a black two-clawed print mark lay over his red forehead. Along with sharp
teeth, the imp has red iris eyes with yellow sclera. Like a typical devil, he
also had a red pointed tail. He had four red finger-shaped claws on each hand.
Blitzo began to speak,
pacing back and forth. He looked toward his audience of two imps and a
hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.
“All right, now I know
business has been…a bit slow, lately.”
He mentioned to the
board at the downward sloping line. “In fact, there seems to be less people
seeking out our services; 1,056 in comparison to the 1,066 from last month.
We’ve basically spiraled from the True Blue Market to that of the Raging Bull.”
He pointed at the roaring demon head drawing on the board.
“Shouldn’t it be the
Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.
“Loona, nobody cares,”
Blitzo said. He continued.
“Any decrease could
spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and
yet look down on us.” Blitzo cleared his throat and spread out his hands. “Now,
I’m not saying it’s, *cough* Moxxie’s or anyone’s fault…”
Moxxie raised his eyebrows.
The serious imp had a red face, yellow eyes, white hair framing his face and
stripped horns jutting off to the sides in slight curves. He wore a large red
bow-tie and a navy blue suit. White freckles were present under his eyes.
Blitzo continued, “…but
let’s discuss how we can improve. Now does anyone have any ideas on how to get
business drumming up again?”
Millie, the bubbly demon
raised her hand. She had a red face, messy black hair with a white flower patch
near the top, and short black horns with faint white stripes. Her eyes were
also yellow and she wore a black top, black torn pants, high heeled shoes and a
little black choker around her neck. Her eyelashes extended past her face.
Millie waved her hand
and beamed, eyes shining. “What…about…a car wash?!”
“This is Hell, Millie,
no one cares about cars being clean here, okay?!”
Just then, there came a
coughing from the other room. A small cyclops demon with hot pink hair with a
patch of yellow opened the door and walked in. She brushed off soot from her
hot pink skirt and waved at the group, who stared in surprise.
“Hi, I’m Niffty! It’s
nice to meet you. Are you part of I.M.P.?”
“Uh yes?” Blitzo
replied, unsure of what to make of this random maid.
“Oh great, because one
of my friends sent me here to investigate, he’s a busy chap, you know, and oh
so dreamy!”
She darted around the
room and began removing cobwebs from the windows. “It looks like there are two
men, a woman and a dog here, a nice balance.”
Loona, the grey
hellhound glared at Niffty, narrowing her red eyes. “What was that, you little
shit?”
Loona had a red cell
phone in her clawed paws, the back of the phone displaying a black upside down
cross. She wore a grey top with black strings in the shape of an inverted
pentagram. A spiked collar was around her neck. Her pants were dark and torn,
with a white crescent moon on them. Her feet were bare and her hair and tail
were thick with white and dark fur.
Niffty stopped in her
tracks. “Now, did you guys need any cars to be washed?”
Blitzo shook his head.
“We don’t have any cars here, we’re broke as fuck.”
Millie stared at Niffty
and cupped her own cheeks with her hands. “Oh my Satan! She’s so adorable! Can
we keep her?!”
“No!” Moxxie and Loona
said at the same time. The two workers then glared at each other.
Moxxie crossed his arms.
“We’re in the middle of a meeting right now. Do you mind?!” He pointed to the
door.
Niffty laughed
nervously, “Oh okay, sorry about that, hehhehheh. I’ll be outside if you need
me!”
She scurried out of the
room.
Blitzo paused for a
moment, then said, “Oh right! Ideas for our company!” He waved his hands, his
eyes shining. “How about a billboard?!”
Moxxie crossed his arms.
“We can’t afford a billboard, sir.”
Blitzo rushed over and
held Moxxie in a headlock. His voice was rushed and sarcastic, “So helpful, Moxxie,
I’m really glad you’re in the room right now.” He shoved Moxxie away.
Blitzo stared in
frustration. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?!”
He picked up a remote
and turned on an old fashioned TV.
After static appeared on
screen, the footage showed the group killing off individuals.
Blitzo bashing a red
demon’s head with a mullet.
Moxxie shooting a blue
person tied up to a chair.
Loona grabbing a red
person in her mouth and shaking the person side to side like a wolf.
Millie beheading a blue
person with a spear and laughing.
Blitzo watched with a
relaxed smile on his face, holding up a blue bowl of popcorn. Loona sat on the
table, popping popcorn pieces into her mouth. Millie perched on the table,
enjoying the show, but Moxxie stood off to the side with a grumpy face.
Posters hung from the
walls, one showing Blitzo and his two sisters, Tilla (an imp with long black
hair) and Barbie Wire (a smiling imp with ram-like horns.) It was a picture of
them at a circus, the banner reading “The Amazing Imp Siblings!” Blitzo
remembered the good times he had with them when they performed on stage. Barbie
Wire would balance on a tightrope, holding a pole with flames on either end.
Tilla tamed and evaded manticores, dragons and other beasts that were released
into the arena. Blitzo would sing songs about murdering people and they would
all pose and bow at the end as the crowd cheered.
That was before Blitzo
moved on to form I.M.P. recruited Moxxie and Millie, and adopted Loona.
Blitzo moved his hand
toward his chest and sighed with content. “Ah, those were good times.”
Moxxie spoke up as
Millie ate a piece of popcorn. “We don’t need any reminding, sir, considering
you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week, one that you
then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel, nobody
watches!”
Blitzo turned his head,
insulted. “Hey, uh, excuse me?” He stood up. “What’s “obnoxious” about a super
fun jingle, all right? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spitting
bullshit.” He walked across the room.
“People love musicals,
sir,” Millie added.
Blitzo smiled. “Exactly,
Millie, and we’re basically doing a musical.” Blitzo did jazz hands before
pointing rapidly at Moxxie with a scowl.
“Are you gonna crush my
musical theater dreams like my dad did?” He lowered his head.
“Sir…” Moxxie began, but
his boss cut him off.
“Because right now, all
I see is just my dad’s asshole talking to me, crushing my dreams of being, who
I truly am inside.” He turned his head away.
Millie leaned in toward
her husband and spoke with a teasing tone. “Are you trying to crush his dreams,
Moxxie?”
“I…what?” he asked,
looking at her. Millie leaned in close and stuck out her tongue, tail curling.
“I thought I knew you.” Moxxie rolled his eyes; his wife loved to annoy him.
Blitzo turned back to
Moxxie, tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe you, Moxxie. And after I made you
Employee of the Month.” He held a picture of Moxxie with his mouth open in a
roar, snake tongue showing.
Moxxie threw up his
hands, “Okay, sir, I’m sorry, but a commercial jingle is not comparable to
musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”
“I liked it!” Millie
pipped up.
Moxxie turned to her,
finger shaking, “Do not…do not agree with him in front of me.”
Loona sat, bored,
playing on her phone. Moxxie’s head appeared on the screen but was crushed by a
weight and then blown up by a bomb. At one point his face was sliced in half as
“boom!” flashed across the screen.
“Remember that actual
scene we shot for our commercial on Earth?” Blitzo asked.
Moxxie got a flashback.
“Oh, right. I shot that boy who was walking around licking strawberry ice
cream. It was an accident.”
“And did you know those
human nurses and the doctor who beat up the kid on a stretcher and shocked
him?”
“Yes,” Millie said
rolling her eyes. “I still remember my line as that pink haired nurse. “Doctor,
he’s not responding.”
“Who ordered a stat?”
Moxxie repeated, dressed up as a blue-haired man.
Millie laughed, “Then I
beat him up and Moxxie said, “It didn’t do anything.”
Blitzo added, “Then I
walked in and said “Damn it! We’re not losing another one! “Clear!” Then I
shocked him and he somehow survived. I was like “Wow that actually worked.”
Millie then explained
that the three of them sat in the waiting room, with their costumes off. In a
separate shot, Blitzo had imitated the human doctor by saying, “He appears to
be in stable condition, but he’ll need surgery. Now what kind of insurance do
you freaks have?” Then Blitzo said, “The fuck is insurance?”
Moxxie sighed, “…and
then the real doctors came in and kicked us out and we fell back into Hell.
Personally, I felt like those scenes were confusing and very risky!”
“It was brilliant!” said
Blitzo. “We all did a great job, and it was in the human world. Why not cover
up Moxxie’s mistake with a theater scene?”
“You’re so dead!” Moxxie
seethed, clenching his fist.
“I know. We’re in Hell.
No big deal,” Blitzo replied.
“But are you sure the
doctors were us or where they actually dumbass humans who didn’t know what they
were doing?”
“How the fuck am I
supposed to know?” Blitzo replied. “How did that kid manage to survive being
shocked so much? Why is it that music logic works on some and not on others?
Why even have a Hell that’s a modern paradise and a shabby shithole at the same
time? We might as well be in a large cartoon circus being mocked at by other
beings.”
Millie gasped. “Did you
just break the 4th wall?”
Blitzo winked. “Gotta
practice my theater skills at some point.”
Moxxie spoke, hands
forward in front of him. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident with
shooting the kid was Loona’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right
info on the target. It’s very simple.”
“Oh sit on a dick,
Moxxie,” Loona replied without looking up.
Moxxie stuttered
angrily, looking for a comeback. “You sit…sit on a…a…do your job!” He slammed
his palm on the table.
Blitzo scolded him.
“Hey, now we don’t blame our screw-ups on Loona, okay? She didn’t do anything
wrong.” He hugged her and nuzzled his head against her cheek, the hellhound
growling at him to get off.
Moxxie stared in
disbelief. “Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful!”
Lonna looked at her
phone. “The other day, right? I answered the phone and said “Hello, I.M.P.”
Millie was yelling, “My husband got stabbed!” and then I hung up. Wasn’t my
problem. My Hellhound Monthly magazine was much more interesting.”
“Don’t forget about my
adoption anniversary gift I gave you,” Blitzo said, scratching his neck.
Lonna seethed. “Don’t
remind me. It wasn’t a cure for syphilis, I didn’t want it, and it so happened
to be black spiders, crawling all over me!”
“Again, I’m sorry about
that,” Blitzo said.
“God damn it, apology
not accepted.”
“You should be thankful
that I rescued you after your hellhound family kicked you out,” Blitzo remarked.
Loona’s ears twitched.
Millie stared nervously. “I was perfectly capable of fending for myself,”
barked Loona, looking up from her phone for the first time. “There was nothing
special about them, other than all the alcohol, meth and drugs they took. My
parents never cared about us. I mean, they sent off my other siblings to work
for other overlords and were never seen again. Perhaps I was fortunate enough
to not have to deal with them.”
Blitzo had tears in his eyes.
He hugged her again. “Well, at least you’ve got me, Moxxie, and Millie as your
new family!”
Loona hid a smile and
just bared her fangs. “Get off of me before I bite your face off!”
Blitzo stepped back.
Loona then smiled and
looked at Moxxie, a look of mischief in her red eyes. “At least it was funny
when Moxxie got that weight loss ad.”
“Why would anyone send
me that?!” Moxxie argued.
“Come on, you know why.”
“I’m not chubby, thank
you very much! Not to mention, you were
the one who ate my avocado salad lunch! How rude.”
“But why would you drink
on a workday?” Millie asked.
“I was hungover from
that morning, dumbasses!” Loona said to Moxxie and Millie. “I already told you
that. I was getting tired of your petty talks and assaults. I kicked a baby in
a carriage and caused some destruction to let out some steam. Felt good
afterwards.”
Blitzo mentioned to
Loona. “Look, back to the topic. The point is, Loona is a valued member of our
family and we don’t get rid of families.”
“We aren’t a family, sir,”
Moxxie pointed out. “You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat her like
she’s some troubled teenager. She’s more like a meth-addicted homeless woman
you let man the phones.”
Loona flipped him the
bird.
“That is offensive,”
said Blitzo, walking to the window, pulling open the blinds. “Without homeless
people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life.”
Outside, a homeless imp with a broken horn and
ragged grey clothing held up a sign that read “Monee helps. Satan Bless.” An
imp woman with black clothing and little bat wings blushed at Blitzo who waved
and did a playful raise of eyebrows before closing the blinds.
Moxxie crossed his arms.
“While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding me and Millie
outside of work?”
“Come on, it’s not that
big a deal,” Millie said.
Moxxie’s eyes grew wide.
“Excuse me…what?! He was in our fucking fridge! He was spying on me while I was
asleep. And worse, he fucking filmed me and you while we were singing and about
to kiss!”
Blitzo giggled. “I still
have it on camera.”
“It’s fine, honey,”
Millie replied to Moxxie, patting his shoulder. “The “spoiler alert, butter’s
spoiled!” was a funny use of wordplay Blitzo used.
“No way,” Moxxie
countered. “I had a great dream about my parents being murdered and Blitzo
interrupted it.”
“I was just curious,”
Blitzo responded.
“Just…stop…doing that,”
Moxxie growled.
“I don’t see what the
issue is,” said Blitzo. “Something you don’t want me seeing?” A mischievous
silly look crossed his face.
“No!” Moxxie spat.
“Your baby weiner
havor?” Blitzo asked, another term for a small dick.
Loona giggled under her
breath.
Moxxie was fed up. “Sir,
what you say and how you act is totally INAPPROPRIATE!”
Millie pulled him down
gently. “Calm down, Mox, you’re gonna have another panic attack!”
“I AM CALM!” he yelled.
Millie rubbed his head
and soothed him. “Shh, there, there.” Moxxie whimpered.
Blitzo spoke again with
a childish grin, making a hole with two fingers and tapping the opening with one
finger. “Look, I don’t judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work
hours, so don’t judge me.”
Veins popped out of
Moxxie’s yellow eyes. “Oh I do judge you, sir. Quite a lot, actually.” He
crossed his arms as Millie gasped in horror.
“Mox, he’s our boss!”
“No, it’s fine, Millie,”
said Blitzo with a wave of his hand. “Your husband is just…how do I say this
without being offensive…retarded.”
“Does immaturingly
insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single, life?”
Blitzo leaned in toward
Moxxie. “Yes it does, actually.”
Loona appeared to agree,
because she added to Moxxie, “The only reason you have a wife is because you’re
easy to manage.”
Moxxie gasped. She had
called Moxxie submissive.
“No he’s not, you turd!”
Millie yelled, holding up two middle fingers.
“Do not talk to my
assistant that way!” Blitzo demanded. “She’s sensitive!”
“Yes I am!” Loona
barked.
Then a squeaky voice
sounded from nearby: “You guys are fucking assholes.”
Everyone turned and
stared at a boy wearing an orange shirt with a planet on it. He had brown hair,
a blue baseball cap on and was connected to a monitor.
Blitzo pointed at him.
“Oh shut up, kid, you’re lucky to witness this.”
Moxxie pinched his nose
and sighed in frustration. “Ugh, this company’s such a mess!”
“Did someone call me?”
Niffty’s voice rang from the hallway. She opened the door a crack. “I can clean
up any messes you may have!”
“No!” Moxxie called. “Go
away!”
Niffty slowly closed the
door.
An awkward silence…
“Alright, let’s get back
to talking about my outfit!” Blitzo said out of nowhere.
“Nobody was talking
about that,” Loona mentioned.
“Which is why I’m trying
to get that ball rolling, so how does it look? It’s good, right?”
The kid pointed his
finger at Blitzo. He ripped off the wires from his stomach.
“It was hell pretending
to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn’t kill me, but now? I want that. I want
death. You!” he pointed to Blitzo. “You’re a selfish, greedy clown. And I’m a
kid! We’re supposed to like clowns…even the creepy ones!”
Moxxie scoffed. “Hey
now, that’s not very…”
The kid cut him off. “If
I wanted to talk to a spineless jackass, I’d rip out your spine and ask you
some shit.”
Moxxie shivered in fear.
“That’s my husband
you’re talking to!” Millie yelled.
The kid snickered. “That’s your husband?! I figured you for
a slut, but I didn’t know you needed it
that bad!”
Millie fumed at her
husband being called ugly and weak. To think that she would have sex with
anyone else at random…
“And you!” The kid
pointed at Loona.
“Yeah? What about me?”
Loona asked.
The kid crossed his
arms. “Nothing. I don’t talk to dogs. I’m a cat person.”
Loona whined.
“Wow,” said Blitzo. “You
know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.”
“Oh you gotta admit,
he’s good,” Moxxie muttered.
A ding came from Loona’s
phone. She smiled. “Oh fuck guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess he
was the right target after all.”
“Who?” Blitzo asked.
“Him.”
“Me?” asked the kid.
“Yep,” she confirmed.
“They wanted us to kill
an actual child?” Blitzo asked.
“That’s what they’re
saying,” Loona said.
Blitzo grinned and
twirled a gun in his hand. His job just got more fun and easier. “Well Christ
on a stick, I guess there is a god!” He fired and shot the boy in the chest. He
flopped down dead in a pool of blood, smoke and sparks lingering in the air.
Blitzo spoke about I.M.P.: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that
we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like killing people. So
from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle
your unfinished business or your money is gone and you’re never getting it back
and you can write us a bad review but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell
and no one fucking cares.”
Blitzo, Moxxie and
Millie kicked the dead kid on the floor, enjoying themselves. Loona snapped a
picture with her phone. After the imps left with the body, Niffty came in and
gasped.
“Well, time to clean
this up. What a mess!” She hummed a happy tune as she mopped up the blood at
rapid speed.
Blitzo and Moxxie wore
gas masks and green suits as Blitzo sawed off the boy’s arm and Moxxie sawed
his chest, organs spilling out into a sack below. Millie tossed an arm into the
sack and Loona helped hold open the sack. Moxxie dropped the boy’s severed head
inside and shared a loving smile with his wife.
Etched in red graffiti
on a dumpster behind them were the words “Devil,” “Hell,” “Happy Hotel,” and
“I’m always chasing rainbows.” A pentagram, and wide smiles were also doodled
on the surface.
Blitzo embraced the
entire group in a forceful hug, knocking the phone from Loona’s hands.
“You know, even though
this kid was a target, he’s still a child. It’s important that we’ve handled
this going forward, respectfully.” He wrapped his long tail around the group,
all of them smiling genuinely. For despite all their problems, they were still
a company family.
Back in the human world,
a crying blonde mother wearing a pink shirt and a necklace held up a paper
saying “missing boy.” Below in large letters read on the news: “Mom sucks at
drawing own kid!”
The mother spoke into
the microphone, “Please, if anyone has seen my little Eddie…”
She gasped as a sack
dropped into her hands. She and the news reporter looked up to see a smiling
Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie through a portal up above.
“You’re welcome!” Blitzo
called with a wave before the portal closed.
The mother looked inside
the bag and screamed. “My son! He’s dead! NOOOO!”
Back in Hell, the three imps laughed out loud.
“We did the right thing,” said Millie.
“Yep, at least now she knows what happened to her
kid,” said Blitzo.
They turned around and spotted Niffty finishing up
mopping the floor and walls. The water in the bucket was crimson red.
“What the…?” Moxxie asked in disbelief. “Why is she
still here?!”
“Oh, hi, your back!” Niffty said. “Just in time
too! I’ve talked with my friend and he’s coming over to chat with you.”
“We don’t have time for any more chit-chat,” Moxxie
spat. Loona sat in a chair, staring at her phone. “Whatever.”
There was a knock on the door.
“Oh here he is!” Niffty squealed and opened the
door.
Blitzo and the others saw a black and white
scowling cat demon with red wings. He wore a small top hat and a large red bow
tie. His wings had card symbols on it: diamonds, hearts, spades, and clubs.
“Oh hello, Husk!” Niffty greeted as Husk slouched
in.
Husk narrowed his eyes at Niffty. “Alright, you
said that these imps had an underground stash of cash and booze. Where is it?”
Blitzo shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking
about. We’re broke.”
“Husk,” said Niffty. “Don’t let this shabby town
fool you. There’s loads of treasures hidden in plain sight.”
Husk looked around as the imps shook their heads in
confusion.
“You’re a fucking liar! You thought it would be a
big ho-ra to trick me into following you? To meet these clown imps and to find
there’s no booze at all? You think I’m some kind of fucking joke?!”
Niffty just shrugged. “Well, it got you here and
that’s the important thing.”
She darted around and shook the imp’s hands. “It’s
so nice to meet more friends. It gets a bit boring at the hotel.”
“What hotel?” Moxxie asked.
“The Haz…Happy Hotel, of course! The one that
princess Charlie runs to help redeem sinners.”
Blitzo and the others looked at each other, then
burst into laughter, while Husk scowled.
“What? That’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard!”
Blitzo giggled, pounding on the desk. Even Loona howled in laughter.
Blitzo wiped tears from his eyes. “You’re telling
me that Hell’s princess decides to turn sinners into do-gooders? Next thing you
know, she’ll make the homeless rich. And I like homeless people too much to let
that happen.”
Moxxie face-palmed. “Why would royalty do something
so pointless? If the princess wants to help out, then she should help us imps
and hellhounds. We may be hellborn and above sinners, but we’re still treated
like scum based on where we live and how easy it is for others to get us into
service!”
Loona nodded. “For once, I agree with him. And I
could care less about what she does.”
“Well, if you ever want to visit…”
Moxxie glared at Niffty. “No. Thanks.”
Millie sighed in defeat. “Aw, Blitzo, are you sure
we can’t have her around? Or at least visit the hotel?”
Blitzo stared into her wide pleading eyes and shook
his head with a sigh. “I’m afraid Moxxie is right. As fun as it sounds, it’s
too risky for us to go there by ourselves. At least not without weapons.
Besides, we have work to do here.”
Niffty mentioned to Husk. “This is my friend, Husk.
Though he wasn’t the one who wanted us to come here.”
Husk scoffed. “I’m no one’s friend. It was annoying
enough to get dragged out of the bar and into this shady shithole of a city. I
wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Niffty and that crazy…”
Husk paused and stared at the hellhound, with wide
eyes.
Loona took out a dark brown bottle marked with
three xs on it and took a drink.
“Is that hard booze?” Husk asked.
“Yep,” said Loona.
“Can I have it?”
“No.”
“Hand it over, bitch!”
Loona growled, “Shut it, pussy!”
Husk hissed. “Fuck you!”
Loona held up two fingers.
“Oh you did not just go double on me!”
“Sure did.”
“Okay then,” Husk said, swiping the phone from
Loona’s hand.
“HEY!” Loona barked, spitting out her drink. She
got up from her chair and chased Husk around the room. The sounds of cat
screeches and dog barks filled the room.
Hey, Husk!” Blitzo yelled. “Do not insult my
assistant!”
“What ya gonna do, boss man?” Husk called, leaping
onto the table, Millie jumping out of the way. Loona threw a book at Husk, who
ducked. The book instead hit Niffty in the face, sending her flying across the
room and against the stripped wall. “I’m okay!”
Moxxie face-palmed as he watched the chaos. “I
might as well quit, but I don’t have any other means to support myself.” Millie
embraced Moxxie who whimpered again.
Everyone yelled, adding to the chaos.
“ORDER IN THE OFFICE!” Blitzo yelled, pounding his
hand on the table.
“MY PHONE BACK, JACKASS!” Loona snarled loudly.
“GET ME RICH OR I’M LEAVING!” Husk added.
Niffty cleaned up the room, muttering to herself.
Millie practiced singing out loud, trying to drown
out the noise. “INSIDE OF EVERY DEMON IS A RAINBOW…”
“HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT SONG?” Loona asked
her.
Moxxie covered his ears. “WOULD EVERYBODY JUST SHUT
UP FOR ONE…”
A sudden screeching sound brought the yelling and
erratic activities to an abrupt halt. Everyone winced at the sound, which vanished
as quickly as it came.
“What was…that?” Blitzo asked, shaking his head.
“Dunno,” Loona said. “Sounded like somebody testing
a microphone.”
A very slow “Shave and a Haircut” knock filled up
the silence. It came from behind the door that led to the hallway.
Loona and Husk froze, maws open in mid-brawl.
Moxxie raised his eyebrows and suddenly started to shiver. Millie and Blitzo
suddenly felt an oncoming sense of dread. Husk crossed his arms and rolled his
eyes. Niffty, however, clapped her hands in excitement. She took some steps
forward, but froze at Moxxie’s glare.
“Do not answer the door,” Moxxie whispered in a
harsh tone.
Niffty stared in confusion. “Why not? He’s my
friend.”
Moxxie narrowed his eyes.
“From the other side!” Niffty emphasized.
“Just don’t go any further.”
Niffty grinned and tiptoed closer to the door.
“No, no, no,” Moxxie breathed, moving his hands
across in a signal. “Stop right there.”
Niffty stopped and slowly reached her thin black
hand toward the round handle.
“Oh for Lucifer’s sake!” Blitzo announced, walking
toward the door. “It’s Niffty’s coworker. How bad can he be?”
He opened the door and grinned. “Hi I’m Blitz…”
His eyes widened and his face fell.
“…o.”
Blitzo stared at a towering tall demon wearing a
tattered red dress coat with vertical thin stripes. Burgundy colored pants
covered his legs and ended in red patches along the ends. He wore black dress
shoes with red deer print marks on the soles. His undershirt was red and had an
upside down black cross as part of the design. A black bow tie was displayed
below his slender neck. One of his four clawed hands held a red vintage
microphone staff.
Blitzo stuttered, at a loss for words. Fear was
constricting his throat. He stuttered as he looked up at the man’s face,
“Welcome…”
Blitzo stared at the man’s red and black hair, with
large deer ears and antlers. His large red eyes blinked to life from a pale
face. A monocle gleamed under his right eye.
“…to…”
The man displayed a grin of sharp yellow teeth, his
smile too wide to be considered natural.
“…I.M.P…”
The demon opened his mouth, “Hell…”
Blitzo slammed the door, catching his breath. He
opened it a crack…
“…o!”
Closed it again. “Guys…” he began.
“What?” Moxxie asked in frustration.
“I think we need to move away. Niffty, could you
please send your friend away? He’s giving me the creeps.”
Niffty shook her head.
“Don’t let him in, sir!” Moxxie said. Husk nodded
in agreement.
Millie gasped, “That’s a rude way to treat a
guest!”
“Okay then, do you
want to open the door?”
Millie gulped.
Blitzo sighed and opened it again.
“May I speak now?” the man asked.
“Sure, whatever,” Blitzo muttered.
The overlord swooped into the room. “Greetings
fellow sinners! I’m Alastor but people call me the Radio Demon. I heard from my
little darling Niffty that you imps are part of an assassination organization,
yes?”
Blitzo took a deep breath and cleared his throat. A
smile appeared on his face, now that he was feeling confident. “That’s correct,
good sir! I’m Blitzo and I’m the founder of the Immediate Murder Professionals,
I.M.P. for short.”
Alastor laughed. “What a clever name! I.M.P. run by
imps! And who are your associates?”
Blitzo mentioned to the other imps, “This is Moxxie
and Millie.” Millie waved and blushed while Moxxie glowered.
Loona looked up from her phone.
“…and this is my sweet daughter, Loona,” Blitzo
finished.
Loona growled and snapped her teeth at Alastor,
causing him to take a step back. Retaining his composure, he continued. “That
little maid is Niffty, and that cat over there is Husk. I saw your commercial
on the picture show and was intrigued. Murdering people in gruesome ways…a
classic form of entertainment! It even makes my methods look standard. All
thanks to Niffty for finding your location.”
Niffty smiled and waved.
“Next time, don’t mention Imp City in the ad,”
Moxxie spat at Blitzo in a low voice.
Alastor walked slightly closer to Blitzo, leaning
in. “Is it true that you have access to the living world?”
“Uh…yes?” Blitzo answered. He felt Alastor’s
fingers make their way along his curved horns. Despite himself denying it,
Blitzo felt his cheeks go pink.
“And you can create portals? Splendid, indeed. There’s
no other being in Hell who can do that.”
“Smooth liar,” Husk muttered from a distance.
“That’s right!” Blitzo replied. “Our company has
special access to the living world due to our abilities. I may have also stolen
a Satanic ritual book from a bird dick overlord several days ago. Top secret.”
Moxxie’s face turned purple, he made the hand
signal for “zip it!” to Blitzo, but of course, he wasn’t paying attention.
Alastor smiled and put a finger to his lips. “Rest
assured, whatever happens here, stays here.”
He waved his hand and two bottles of booze appeared
in front of Husk.
“You might think you can keep getting away with
bribing me like that…” Husk said, narrowing his eyes, “…but we both know you
can!” He picked up a bottle and started drinking. Loona snatched the other one.
“What exactly are you doing here, anyway?” Moxxie
demanded to Alastor.
“Why I’m here to help out your company, of course!
I’m already involved in helping Charlie with her hotel, so I figured I could
expand my horizons.”
The Radio Demon walked over to Millie. “Hello,
dear, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”
He gently kissed her red hand, making her giggle.
Moxxie slapped his hand away. “No one touches my
wife, you got that?”
Alastor just shrugged and walked toward the table.
“Don’t you walk away from me, Mister!” Mooxie stood
from his chair and walked over to him. He pointed at his chest, making the
demon’s smile more strained. “You look like a shady showman to me, so listen
here. You have no business whatsoever in interfering with our company. Or
messing around with my coworkers and my boss. So, don’t go around harming
anyone here, or we’ll kick you out of our office…or just slice you to bits,
Dapper Deer!”
Alastor just laughed softly. Millie and Blitzo
walked over to calm Moxxie down.
“If I wanted to hurt anyone here…” Alastor said…
He then spoke in a creepy tone: “I would’ve done so already.”
His eyes turned into red moving radio dials and the
air filled with radio static and floating red voodoo symbols.
He shook his head and the sensations ceased. His
eyes returned to normal. “So, now let’s talk about how I can help you out.”
“What?” Millie asked.
“How can I be of assistance? You want donations?
Promotion? An upgraded outfit?”
Blitzo scoffed, “My outfit is great enough as it
is. But… you said something about promotions?”
Alastor nodded. “You ever feel like your work goes
unrecognized?”
“Yeah,” Blitzo replied. “People do come to us a lot
to murder people, but…”
Alastor tilted his head…
Blitzo continued, “…but the imps and residents here
look down on us. Not to mention even the sinners brush us aside like we’re
trash. That’s why we’ve kept to ourselves a lot. We imps have to stick together…and
hellhounds, too.”
Loona rolled her eyes.
“But your company is so unique, and with such
special access, I don’t know why others would look down on you,” Alastor
mentioned. “Whoever those horrible people are…who are they?”
“My asshole father,” Blitzo said. “He’s kept me
from achieving my musical theater dreams.”
Alastor placed a hand on Blitzo’s shoulder. He
spoke in his sympathetic tone, reserved for making others feel at ease.
“Oh, believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve loved
singing and music ever since I can remember. And my dad…well it’s a long story,
too tragic to go into. Have you ever thought of…killing the person in your way?
It’s surprisingly simple, and you of all people should know.”
“I…um…”
Moxxie nodded. “I had a dream that my parents were
being murdered, and I wanted to get back to that.”
“What if I told you…there was a way for your dreams
to come true?”
“That’s impossible,” Moxxie scoffed.
Alastor appeared behind him, from his shadow form,
making him jump. “I don’t think so! I can do so many things for your cause.” He
stood in front of the three imps. A flaming bag of money appeared in Alastor’s
outstretched hand, in front of Blitzo’s eyes. It changed to fiery silhouettes
of Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie dancing to the clapping of a crowd coming through
his microphone. “This may seem like a bit much, but so far, you’re a
well-established company.” The I.M.P. logo appeared in his hand before he
closed it. “I could improve you ads, extend your business to Pentagram City,
all under my protection. Imps won’t have to be the lowest of the low ever
again.”
Blitzo and his associates looked at each other,
lost in thought. Alastor’s grin grew wider.
“Do you
really want to give up this golden opportunity?”
Moxxie paused. Blitzo found himself shaking his
head. Millie smiled at Niffty and Husk nearby.
Alastor turned to leave. “Well, it was worth a try.
I could give you some time to think about it…it was only a suggestion.”
He slowly walked toward the door. “3…2…1…”
Blitzo’s eyes went wide. “No, no, wait! Don’t
leave.”
Alastor turned his head, smile wide. He turned back
to them and held out his right hand. “So, do we have a deal?”
“No deals!” Moxxie yelled, pulling Blitzo away.
“There’s something shifty about this guy. The stuff he says is too good to be
true.”
“You sure about that?” he asked. “Perhaps I need to
persuade you a little more…”
He snapped his fingers and the table and pictures
vanished. The room turned a dark purple and the floor became wooden like dance
floor. Deer antlers and voodoo symbols lined the walls in neon colors. The
posters now showed deer with black bloody circles in place of eyes. Alastor’s
outfit changed into a red suit, with a red top hat with pins sticking out.
Soon, everyone was wearing attire from the early 1900s: dapper dresses and
round hats of purple, green and yellow for Millie, Niffty, and Loona, and suits
of light blue, white and black for Blitzo, Husk and Moxxie.
“Take it boys!” Alastor called, snapping his
fingers. Shadow spirits emerged from a newly created portal in the ground. One
played a saxophone, one a trumpet, and the other played the drums.
A jazzy remix of the I.M.P. jingle played. Moxxie
and Millie danced and spun around in the spotlight as the music played. Husk
and Moxxie glared at each other in a corner. Niffty smiled and danced along,
while Loona stared at her phone again.
Alastor mentioned for Blitzo to come on stage and
sing with him. Blitzo blushed and slowly made his way next to him.
Alastor sang through his vintage microphone, which
lit up.
“When you
want somebody dead,
And you
wanna poke fun at their head
Call the
Immediate Murder Professionals
Whether
homicide or genocide
We’ll
make it look like suicide
Immediate
Murder Professionals
We do our
job so well
‘Cause we
come straight up from Hell
We’ll
kill your husband or your wife
We’ll
even let you keep the knife
The
Immediate…Murder…Professionals
The song was followed by an electro swing solo and
a repeat of the verses.
Blitzo was lost in a blissful trance as he and
Alastor spun around in a dance.
They both stopped to catch their breath as the
music slowed to a relaxing jazz melody.
Alastor held out his right hand. “What’d you say?
Won’t you shake a poor sinner’s hand?” The area around him glowed an eerie
green and a strange wind gusted.
Millie ran over and eagerly shook his hand. “I
accept! Thank you for your help!” In the shadows, Moxxie was pulled toward
Alastor by black tentacles wrapping around his waist.
Blitzo stared at Alastor’s hand in front of him.
Common sense told him to stay far away from this demon.
But Millie had shaken his hand already…and he did
offer to help them…
Blitzo’s musical dream was just beginning, and so
was his company. Why back out now?
He slowly moved his hand closer, hovering over
Alastor’s fingerless glove- covered hand.
Loona’s eyes grew wide. Her fur stuck on end and
her instincts kicked in. She could smell deceit and evil coming from the demon.
She hadn’t thought it would go this far. For the first time, she placed her
phone down on the ground. “Blitz!” she called.
Blitzo briefly looked behind Alastor…and saw his
adopted daughter…with fear in her eyes for the first time. He was sure he was
dreaming. There was no way magic like this could exist, and surely his daughter
wouldn’t show this much concern for him.
But then again…Blitzo could create portals to
Earth, so anything was possible.
“Anything is possible,” said Alastor, as if reading
his thoughts.
“Don’t do it!” Loona barked. She raced over to
Blitzo…only for Husk and Niffty to block her. Husk’s eyes and Niffty’s eye
glowed red. “Ahh, the fuck?!” Loona exclaimed, in shock.
Blitzo’s shaking hand inched closer…
Moxxie’s hand was forcibly guided to the demon’s
other hand by the tentacles…
Loona growled and swatted Husk and Niffty aside
with her paws.
Blitzo’s hand touched Alastor’s at the same time
Moxxie’s did.
“Noooo!”
The Radio Demon cackled in triumph as Blitzo and
Moxxie shook his hands. All three imps briefly opened their eyes wide, all
glowing red. Small streams of evil black energy from their souls traveled from
each of their mouths and into Alastor’s staff. Husk and Niffty stood up and
stared at each other…for this had happened to them as well. All five of them
stood still like soldiers, each with too-wide grins on their faces as static
and symbols filled the air. The static was overwhelming to Loona’s ears, and
she soon passed out.
Then suddenly, the room and everyone’s outfits
returned to normal. Everyone’s eyes cleared, and the portal and tentacles
vanished.
Moxxie and Blitzo removed their hands.
“What…just happened?” Blitzo asked.
“Something amazing,” Niffty said.
Loona sat up and rubbed her head. “I think I just
had another hangover.”
Husk had already thrown up after all the dancing
and spinning.
Niffty sighed. “Let me clean that,” and rushed off.
“Well, I’ll say that was quite entertaining!”
Alastor said. “Look.” He pointed to a radio which hadn’t been there before.
Blitzo listened and he could hear the jazzy version of the I.M.P. jingle being
played. A low announcer voice said, “Call the Immediate Murder Professionals!
Founded by the Incredible Blitzo, and his associates Moxxie and Millie….and
Loona too.”
Loona raised her middle finger.
“Call 1-800-666-Hell or go online to I.M.P. .com today!”
Alastor grinned. “It’s now been broadcasted all
over Hell…and it should appear on the Picture Show very soon!”
“Wait, Picture Show?” asked Millie.
“He means the TV,” Blitzo replied.
Alastor grinned. “Well, I’d love to stay, but I’m a
busy man. Good luck with your business. Come along, Niffty, Husk.”
Niffty scurried over and opened the door for
Alastor. Husk gave one final “fuck you,” to Loona and Moxxie before leaving.
“By the way…” Alastor said as he reached the door.
“Since I’ve helped you out, it only seems fair that you help me out as well. Don’t
be alarmed if you’re suddenly summoned to help me out in my various conquests
of Hell. Loona, your services are not
required.” Loona grunted in response before he finished, “Consider my deal as
an inevitable new career for you…”
His eyes turned into dials again…
“…as my
slaves.”
His eyes turned fully red once more. “Ta-la for
now!”
He waved goodbye and the door closed behind him,
everyone staring wide-eyed. No one noticed that the Satanic book had
disappeared…
The imps didn’t believe that was the case…
…until one day, they were transported outside near
the Hazbin Hotel. Their auras glowed red and their bodies became dark shadows.
They surrounded Sir Pentious’ blimp, giggling as dark power flowed through
their veins. The tentacles wrapped around the blimp and the shadow imps
scattered before the vehicle exploded in a cloud of pink smoke. Charlie, Angel
Dust, Husk, Vaggie, and Niffty watched in horror as Alastor stood with a
sinister grin on his face.
The group walked back to the hotel as Alastor
talked about his mother’s jambalaya. With a snap of his fingers, the “Happy
Hotel” words on the roof changed to “Hazbin Hotel.”
“Stay tuned,”
Alastor finished with low laughter.
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