Heavenuva Boss

2p Helluva Boss

Heaven was a marvelous paradise that sat proudly within fluffy white clouds. It was located on a white planet surrounded by a large halo like a planetary ring. It was located above Earth and Hell. The denizens of Heaven included God, His Archangels (Michael, Gabriel, Raphael etc.), Adina, Jesus Christ, Mary and many others. Lucifer used to live there until he was banished for disobeying God. Although Heaven seemed like perfection, the elite angels were ignorant to the suffering demons in Hell. To them, the demons were diseased foreigners who didn’t deserve to go to Heaven. Humans weren’t much better…they had to meet near impossible standards of the Seven Virtues to go to Heaven. The majority of humanity was flawed in their eyes, only destined for doom, death and destruction. White straight Christian men always got front row seats in terms of privilege.

 

Holy City was the main capital of Heaven. Shining buildings of gold, silver, marble and other materials glinted in the sunlight. At night, the sky was filled with bright stars and the glowing teal blue Christian Cross hovering over Holy City. The Exterminators would be busy training in a lower part of Heaven, separate from the rest of society like the military. The denizens of Heaven were both humanoid and had animal-like traits. They were often sheep, dogs, cats, doves, swans and other sacred animals (much like the bi-pedal individuals in Zoophobia). The lesser human/animal denizens had physical features of gems, harps, trumpets, chalices and other holy instruments.

 

 

Not too far away from Holy City lay a beautiful area within the clouds of Heaven. A floating white sign read “Welcome to Elf City: est. 1981.” The sky was blue and the buildings and streets immaculate. The elves were considered to be of a lower class, acting in service roles. Do-gooders (humans who died and went to Heaven) were above them, while the Heaven-Born Angels were considered the upper class.

 

Elves of various colors and sizes were chatting among themselves, while others walked around with their families. Many of them were hard at work, wrapping presents for Christmas, saving food to give to the homeless, cleaning a nearby park, and caring for the ill. Some of them liked to volunteer just for something to do. There were also miracle workers, whose job was to travel to different realms and bestow blessings to those on Earth or in other realms in Heaven. (In the Hazbin universe, they were the sheep cherubs). Hell was forbidden for obvious reasons. Some elves went around, saving people’s lives or healing their wounds once they prayed. Sometimes they even revived the recently dead on Earth (provided they be dead for less than a few hours.)

 

The most well-known miracle bestowing company was located in a tall white office building surrounded by golden halo clouds. The building was decorated with golden wing structures arching off to the sides. Posted on a door were the words “E.L.F. Headquarters” and on a taped piece of paper, “Meeting in progress” was scribbled on it.

 

On a white board was a line graph and a bar graph, the line slowly moving downwards from a blue happy face with a halo to a red sad face. “Docile loves you, by Docile” was written off to the side. A white Christian Cross was drawn in the center of the wooden table surrounded by black leather chairs.

 

Up front, a black, white, and blue colored elf paced back and forth. He had large pointed white ears that jutted off to the sides between the sides and top of his head. He had large purple eyes. The left side of his face was blue and the right side of his face was dark gray. He wore a long white business suit with blue buttons and purple circles on the sleeves with crosses in the centers. White boots with blue outlines covered his feet while white fingerless gloves covered his hands. A white hoof-shaped mark lay on his forehead like a birthmark. A little green pin attached to his undershirt had a happy face on it. A black halo with thorns on it hovered over his head.

 

The elf was Docile, a serious asexual individual.

 

Docile looked toward his audience of two elves and a humanoid cat sitting in chairs around the table.

 

“All right, now I know business has been…a bit stressful lately. We’ve had to keep up demands and during the rush, not everyone can be saved.” He pointed toward the graph. “It seems that more and more people aren’t counting on miracles from angels and God to help themselves feel better. I don’t know how our company will fare if this keeps sloping down. It’s no one’s fault, okay? I just think that some of us could…benefit from improving their confidence… like Timmid.”

 

Timmid briefly flinched in surprise as if to say “who, me?” The elf had a light blue face, purple eyes, and black hair framing his face. Black freckles were present under his eyes, and a black spiked halo hovered above his head. He wore a light blue bow tie and a white business suit similar to Docile’s. Timmid was calm and was the healing expert of E.L.F. Although he was easily frightened and timid, he took his job as a healer seriously.

 

Docile continued. “Now does anyone have any ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?”

 

The woman elf, Tirred had short white hair with a black flower spot on it and displayed a row of sharp white teeth. She wore white gloves and a white blouse over a long white skirt. Her eyelashes extended past her face. Like the others, she had a black wiry halo over her head. Tirred was often pessimistic and, well, tired, and was the negotiator between humans and elves. Tirred and Timmid were a couple, and were from the Fifth Ring of Heaven.

 

Tirred thought for a moment, “What…about…a billboard?” she said with a yawn.

 

“That’s a thought, Tirred, but there are advertisements everywhere in Heaven,” Docile mentioned. Then his eyes brightened and he waved his hands. “Oh. How about a car wash?”

 

Timmid spoke up. “This is Heaven, sir. Cars are already clean here.”

 

“Good point,” Docile said. “Any other ideas?”

 

“We can’t just stick to what we’ve been doing before?” Tirred asked. “Why not just prove those people wrong?”

 

“So helpful, Tirred, really glad you’re in the room right now,” Docile spoke fast, rolling his eyes. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?”

 

Docile turned on the TV and a series of clips showed up on screen: Docile bandaging an angel’s wings, Timmid helping a man walk, Sunna, the cat purring at a crying girl, Tirred saving someone using CPR.

 

Docile held a bowl of popcorn for everyone to eat. Sunna, the brown furred, black stripped cat, wore a white dress with a sun on it. She wore a gold cross necklace around her neck. She was purring contently while sniffing her last leaf of catnip she brought. A nearby poster showed Docile and his two elf sisters Mia and Tia with an award for being the best dancers.

 

“Ah, those were the good times,” Docile smiled.

 

Tirred ate a piece of popcorn on the table, lost in thought.

 

Timmid sighed. “Yes indeed. But Tirred seems upset about some of your mistakes.”

 

“Don’t need any reminding, sir,” Tirred grumbled, “considering you blew most of our salaries to help a rival pharmaceutical company with their advertisement, one that you additionally paid to have us hold their hands and sing for three whole weeks on a channel, everybody watches!”

 

“Hey, uh excuse me?” Docile looked back, insulted. He stood up. “What’s so “obnoxious” about generosity and a super fun song, alright? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spitting lies.” He walked across the room.

 

“People love musicals, sir,” added Timmid with a smile.

 

“Exactly, Timmid,” Docile smiled, “and we’re basically doing a musical.” Docile did jazz hands before turning to Tirred. “Are you gonna criticize my musical theater dreams like my dad did?”

 

“Sir…” Tirred began, but Docile cut her off.

 

“Because all I see right now is my Dad and his angry eyes glaring at me, criticizing my dreams of being, who I truly am inside.” He turned his head away.

 

Timmid leaned in toward his wife. “Please don’t make him angry, Tirred,” he begged.

 

“I’m just stating how it is,” Tirred replied, arms folded.

 

“I thought I knew you,” Timmid said, making a face at her. “No need to be a grumpy pants, dear.” Tirred rolled her eyes in response.

 

Docile turned back to Tirred, tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe you, Tirred. And after I made you Employee of the Month.” He held up a picture of Tirred with a large grin of sharp teeth.

 

Tirred threw up her hands. “Okay, sir! I’m sorry, but a commercial jingle and a cheesy song is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

 

“But…I liked it!” Timmid popped up.

 

Tirred turned to him, arms crossed. “Yeah, sure, take his side, why don’t you?”

 

In a commercial, Docile spoke in front of purple curtains. “Hi I’m Docile, the “e” is silent and I’m the founder of E.L.F.”  Docile leaned against the L in the logo, with Timmid and Tirred posing on either side.  The E.L.F. appeared over his hand. Docile continued, “Are you a piece of gold that got yourself sent to Heaven?” The picture showed Docile dressed in a superhero outfit with a red cape. “Or are you a conflicted convict who just happened to have your life cut short by someone else?” The next picture showed Docile dressed in a red devil costume choosing whether or not to quit smoking and drugs.

 

A nearby sign read the angel’s name that hired E.L.F. A blue winged angel with a tiger’s head spoke with a 333 News billboard in the background, “After defending myself against my psycho brother and preaching about God, you could imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the coronavirus killed me. I really wish I could help my sick sister and advise my family to kick my brother out.”

 

Docile continued, standing in a church with Timmid and Tirred in white robes nearby.

 

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world, we can help you take care of your unfinished business by saving anyone who may have helped you out when you were alive!” Docile happily climbed up a flight of golden steps.

 

Then the jingle began:

 

“When you want somebody saved

And you wanna go behave

Call the Efficient Lifesaving Fellows

 First Aid or CPR

We’ll make sure you all go far

Efficient Lifesaving Fellows

We do our job so fine

‘Cause we come straight from Cloud Nine

We’ll save your husband or your wife

We’ll even help extend your life

The Efficient Lifesaving Fellows

 

Pets live for freeeeee”

 

Various clips showed E.L.F. and flying sheep cherubs saving people: lifting a boulder from a human, reviving a human after a car accident, passing out Bibles and food to the homeless, giving money to a school in Africa, humans and angels dancing in a circle…

 

A brown haired woman stole a guy’s wallet and kicked him in the groin. She ran off and then got shot by police. Yet she only went unconscious. The doctors took her to the emergency room while the elves waited. A doctor walked in on the elves in the waiting room.

 

“She’s in stable condition, but she’ll need rest and an arrest warrant. Now what kind of insurance do you freaks have?”

 

“God’s chosen don’t need insurance,” Docile said.

 

The elves and the woman were promptly kicked out of the hospital and sent back to Heaven.

 

 The jingle ended with “Pets live for freeee!” At the bottom it read: “This company is not to be confused with C.H.E.R.U.B. in the parallel dimension next door. Although nobody really knows about E.L.F. it was founded way before C.H.E.R.U.B. in question. Mary had some little lambs and overstayed her welcome.”

 

Tirred spoke up, hands in front of her. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident was Sunna’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give the right info on the client. It’s very simple.”

 

“I’m sorry, Tirred, I did the best I could,” Sunna said, unfazed.

 

Tirred fumed. “’Sorry’ doesn’t cover it…do your job!”

 

“Hey, now we don’t blame screw-ups on Sunna, okay?” Docile said. “She didn’t do anything wrong.” Sunna happily walked over and embraced Docile in a tight hug, Docile straining to break free.

 

“Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful!”

 

Sunna thought back to the time when she was a receptionist at a desk. The old rotary phone rang, sounding like cats meowing. She picked up the fish-shaped phone.

 

“Thank you for calling E.L.F. How may we bless you?” Sunna asked, smiling.

 

Tirred was on the other end. “There’s a customer ranting about Satan. He wants to commit suicide…”

 

“Tell him that suicide will not make things better.”

 

“He wants to rant and curse you, it will be the end of our company for sure! We’re all doomed if we don’t enforce harsh discipline on that scum of a…”

 

“Just got a call on the other line, apologies, worry wart.” Sunna trilled, hanging up the phone. She read her Fancy Feast Feline magazine.

 

 

Another memory came back to Sunna, which took place at her house.

 

“Happy Adoption Anniversary, Sunny,” said Docile. “I got a little something for you.” He showed her a gift in his hands.

 

Sunna smiled. “Is it a cure for Covid?”

 

“I…uh…”

 

“Then I want it!” she exclaimed happily, tearing open the gift and dropping it on the floor. A flock of white butterflies flew around the room and landed all over her.

 

“I’m sorry, it was butterflies!” Docile looked on in concern. But Sunna happily batted and played with them, her mouth open in a grin.  “God bless you…”

 

 

There was one other time when Sunna watched Princess Caroline singing/screaming “Inside of Every Angel is a Monster.” She was in her full Angel form, with black feathery wings and a black halo. Tirred walked over, holding a piece of paper in her hands that read “Lux 4 U.”

 

“Excuse me um, did you just fax me an ad for beauty makeovers?”

 

“Yes,” Sunna replied.

 

“Is it because I’m so gorgeous? Better than all the sad people here?” Tirred asked with a grin.

 

“Come on,” Sunna teased. “Just the opposite.”

 

Later, Sunna rummaged around, looking for something in the kitchen.

 

“Who left this tuna salad in the fridge?”

 

“Wasn’t me,” said Timmid. “It was there from yesterday.”

 

“Is this yours, Tirred?”

 

No answer.

 

“Well, I’m taking it because I have the best feeling right now.”

 

She closed the door and gulped down the food.

 

“Now why would you get hyper on a work day?” Timmid asked, nearby.

 

“I’m happy from this morning, Timmy Tim,” she giggled.

 

Tirred walked inside, hand son her hips. “Is that my lunch? You stole it, you crazy cat!”

 

“I’m so sorry!” Sunna said, then brightened. “You know what? I’ll just go get you another one before work! Time to enjoy my tenth life!”

 

Sunna raced outside with a “Wheeee!” and helped an elderly elf cross the street.

 

“Docile!” Sunna called in the office, “Your privileged boss’s on the phone. Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you. Sounds a little DTP y.” (Down to Punish)

 

“Oh Lord that was one time!” Docile yelled, splashing water on himself in front of Tirred. “We wouldn’t have access to the living world if I hadn’t let myself get punished by that privileged jerk face.”

 

“You what?” Tirred asked, concerned.

 

“I stole a Bible after getting whipped for the sins I did. Figured I had nothing else to lose.”

 

“Docile!” Sunna cried.

 

“I heard you already!” Docile yelled before stomping into his office to play with bobble heads of himself, Timmid and Tirred.

 

“So, what can I do you for, Samael?” Docile asked on his cell phone in his office. Inside his office were circus posters and advertisements for church gatherings and “Docile in Choir of Light: one time only!”

 

The Angel of Divine Retribution lounged in his palace on a golden sofa. He was dressed in a royal red robe, had white skin and golden short hair. His eyes were golden. On the walls were pictures of him wielding a flaming sword and casting demons into fiery lakes below. Several medals of honor were attached to his clothing. His wings were fiery colors, starting with red orange at the top going to a white-blue at the feathery tips.

 

Samael was a companion to Azrael, the dark-haired Angel of Death. Samael and Azrael were generals to the Exterminators/Exorcists who killed demons once every year in Hell. The founders of the Exterminators were God and the merciless Zoophobia angel Adina.

 

 “There’s a politician who’s causing lots of trouble on Earth for a few of my associates. He wants to convince people that the coronavirus isn’t dangerous.”

 

“Isn’t it?” Docile asked.

 

“Well, it is, but more people die when no extra precautions are taken. And it gets crowded here.” Samael sighed, his hand on his chin.

 

“Well that makes sense.”

 

“You know what happens when I’m stressed, Docy?”

 

“Oh lord no…” Docile began, flinched away from his phone.

 

“When I’m stressed, I become angry. And when I become angry, I have to whip your back and **** strike your **** with a flaming sword, cast you into a windy dessert, freeze you into ice in the lowest level, make you swim in the lake of fire for 1 million ******hours, hang you on a wooden cross for sins you didn’t commit and leave you begging for His mercy ******* like an imperfect mortal!”

 

Docile hung up the phone, with a look of fear and tossed the pieces to Sunna. “Here play with these.”

 

Sunna patted the pieces with her paws in fascination. 

 

 “And you know after you put them in your mouth?”

 

“Yeah?” she asked, eating them.

 

“Vomit it off a bridge.”

 

Back at the meeting, Docile continued, “Look, the point is, Sunna is a valued member of our family and we don’t get rid of families.”

 

“We aren’t a family, sir,” Tirred pointed out. “You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat her like she’s some hyperactive teenager. She’s more like a catnip addicted spoiled woman you let man the phones.”

 

Sunna hissed at her.

 

“That is offensive,” Docile said. “Without spoiled people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life.” Docile opened the blinds and saw an angel dressed in a golden suit getting his picture taken by a crowd of people. Docile waved at a lovely white-haired blue-faced elf woman wearing a white dress with little white feathery wings on them before closing the blinds.

 

Tirred crossed her arms. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding Timmid and me outside of work?”

 

“Come on, it’s not that big a deal,” Timmid said.

 

Tirred’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me…what?!”

 

Tirred remembered cooking at their house.

 

“Hey Tim, could you grab me some lemons?”

 

“Sure, sweetie,” Timmid said, grabbing a few lemons and heading to the table.

 

Docile suddenly appeared from the ceiling, landing gracefully in front of him. “When life gives you lemons…”

 

He squashed a lemon, letting the juice fall into a glass. “…the best aide is lemonade.”

 

Timmid giggled.

 

“What’s so funny, Tim?” Tirred asked.

 

“The impressive wordplay,” Docile said, serving angel’s food cake on the table.

 

“What the…Where did you even come from?!” Tirred asked Docile.

 

In their bedroom in their luxury apartment (a sing above read, “Need a heaven-cat?”) Tirred was woken up by Docile praying for good luck for her.

 

“What’re you dreaming about?” he asked.

 

Tirred moaned, “I was dreaming of me disciplining my coworkers and...I’d like to get back to that.”

 

 

Timmid and Tirred remembered the song they sang, while Timmid played on an angelic guitar shaped like a swan:

 

“Of all the perfect elves,

It’s with him, I’m myself

Oh Timmid.”

 

They leaned in for a kiss when Tirred whirled around toward the window. Docile had a video camera outside.

 

“Are you bucking filming us right now?!”

 

Back in the present, Tirred seethed. “Just. Stop. Doing that.”

 

“I don’t see what the issue is,” Docile said. “Just love good classic romance, holy matrimony…and the honeymoon bonus scenes.”

 

Sunna rolled her eyes, while Tirred fumed.

 

“Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!” Tirred stood up.

 

“Calm down, Tir,” Timmid said, pulling her back down. “You’re gonna have another panic attack.”

 

“I am calm!” Tirred yelled before Timmid patted her head. “Shh there, there,” she said, while Tirred whimpered.

 

Docile spoke again. “Look I don’t judge what you do outside of working hours, so don’t judge me.”

 

Veins popped out of Tirred’s eyes. “Oh I do judge you, sir. Quite a lot, actually.”

 

She crossed her arms while Timmid gasped in fear.

 

“Tir, he’s our boss!”

 

“No, it’s fine, Timmid,” Docile mentioned. “Your wife is just…how do I say this without being offensive…bossy.”

 

“Does overly criticizing me make you feel better about your sad single life?” Tirred asked.

 

“Not really, but it’s still fun,” Docile admitted.

 

Sunna added to Tirred, “Even though you can be a grump sometimes, I still appreciate your company.”

 

“Please don’t call her a grump, kitty cat!” Timmid protested. “You know I don’t like her when she gets mad…”

 

“Please do not criticize my assistant that way,” Docile said. “She’s sensitive.”

 

“Yes I am,” meowed Sunna.

 

 “You guys are all freaking weird!”

 

Everyone turned to look. A pale spirit of a brown-haired teen girl floated nearby, wearing a prisoner uniform.

 

“Oh, uh…thank you, kid,” said Docile. “It’s something for you to witness this.”

 

“Ugh, this company’s such a mess,” Tirred exclaimed. “All that paperwork is bad enough without you guys being a pain in my…”

 

“Alright, let’s get back to talking about our friendship!” Docile said out of nowhere.

 

“Nobody was talking about that,” Sunna mentioned.

 

“Which is why I’m trying to get that ball rolling, so, I think we’re off to a great start, right?”

 

The spirit pointed her finger at Docile, “It was heaven being able to rest after being shot by police for mugging a guy, but now…I miss my family. I want life!”

 

“You,” she said pointing to Docile, “I don’t know who you are but you look like one of Santa’s helpers, if Santa were God. No offence.”

 

Docile smiled. “None taken, miss.”

 

The spirit added to Tirred, “I see you’re a pretty woman. If I were to feel comfortable, I’d look you in the eye and ask, “How in the world did I get here?” so…how in the world did I get here?”

 

“You died,” she deadpanned. The spirit looked taken aback.

 

“That’s my wife you’re talking to,” Timmid said, apologetic.

 

 

“Oh? She’s your wife?” the spirit chuckled. “I figured you for an athlete but I didn’t know you’d get even luckier. And you.” She pointed at Sunna.

 

“Yeah what about me?” Sunna asked.

 

“You’re just purrfect. I was never a dog person.”

 

Sunna purred.

 

“Wow you really are a nice slab of diamonds,” Docile said.

 

Tirred rolled her eyes. “Such a flirt trying to make herself innocent.”

 

Sunna spoke up. “Hey guys, I just got a text from our client, says she’s the right one to revive after all.”

 

“Who?” Docile asked.

 

“Her.”

 

“Me?” asked the spirit.

 

“Yep.”

 

“They wanted us to save an actual convict?” Docile asked.

 

“That’s what they’re saying.”

 

Docile frowned. “Well Satan in a heater, I guess there is a Devil.” He waved his hands, supplying oxygen to her and she woke up back on Earth in the hospital.

 

Docile spoke about E.L.F.: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like saving people. So from us here at the Efficient Lifesaving Fellows group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is…gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Heaven and business is business.”

 

Everyone wrapped Docile in a hug, while he rolled his eyes. Then he said, “Even though the kid was a target for revival, she’s still a convict. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward, respectfully.” Everyone smiled in the hug.

 

Back on Earth, the woman convict recovered and tried to escape. But the elves threw down pillows at her, distracting her as police closed in. She was soon cornered by the police and sent to a juvenile detention center. The police looked up at the elves through a portal.

 

“You’re welcome!” Docile called with a wave before the portal closed.