Hazbin Hotel: Unnecessary Censorship (Parody)

Charlie:

“At the end of the rainbow there’s happiness

And to f*** it, how often I’ve tried

But my life is a race

Just a wild goose chase

And my dreams have all been ****ed

Why have I always been a failure

What can the reason be

I wonder if the world’s to blame

I wonder if it could be me

I’m always ****ing rainbows

Watching clouds drifting by

My schemes are just like all my dreams

****ing in the sky

Some fellows ***k and find the sunshine

I always ***k and find the rain

Some fellows make a winning sometimes

I never even make the game, believe me

I’m always ****ing rainbows

Waiting to find a little bluebird

In vain

Demon: Oh I’m alive, I’m alive!

(gets run over)

Travis: Yeah, thanks for the fun time, hot stuff

Angel: Yeah yeah listen, keep this discreet, hear me?

I can’t get it get out that I’m offering my **** to randos on the street

It was a quick cash grab, ya got that?

Travis: Whatever you say, ****! (laughs)

Angel: Oh such an insult. Let me know when you come up with something creative to call me you sack of poorly packaged horse ****.

Tell the missus I said hi. [smooch]

Travis: Schnookums.

[dog whining noises] Pack of poor- ****

[car squeals and crashing noises]

Demon: Yoink!

Angel: Hey!

Demon: Up yours, **** show!

Angel: Oh my god!

My drugs! **** it!

Sir Pentious: Those other cowardly ****ers dare not hinder my territorial takeover!

Egg boi: A wise decision.

Sir Pentious: The power of my machines are unmatched!

No other demon can compare to the likes of I!

Egg Boi: Gee, that was pretty swell, boss!

- Yeah!

- You really showed them what for!

Egg Boi: I liked when you shot them with your ray gun-- 

[slap and whistle]

Egg Boi: I wish he’d shoot me with his ray gun.

CENSORED screen (scene with egg bois partying)

Sir Pentious: At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side of the pentagram by day’s end!

And nothing, not a single beast in this inferno of suffering will be able to take back 

this empire from my constrictive grasp!

[noisemaker sounds]

Egg Bois: Whoo! [pop]

Oh boy!

Sir Pentious: Hell will be mine, and everybody will know the name of Sir Pe--

-[female voice] Edgelord!

Sir Pentious: Pardon? Who said that?!

What did you just say to me you fried chicken fetuses?!

[snake rattle] Speak up!

Egg Boi: That wasn’t us, mister boss man.

[burning fuse]

[whistle and glass break]

[explosion]

[coughing]

Cherri: You looking for a fight... old man?

Cherri: Why don’t you get that tinker toy ******* off my **** before I smash it!

[crash]

...more.

Sir Pentious: Oh, you wanna ****, missy?

Well I’m happy to oblige!

[evil laugh]

Katie: Good afternoon! I’m Katie Killjoy.

Tom: And I’m Tom Trench.

Chaos at a pentagram city today as a turf war is raging on the west side

between notable king Sir Pentious and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse Cherri Bomb.

Katie: That’s right Tom!

After the recent extermination, many areas are now up for grabs!

Demons all over Hell are already ****ing it out to gain new territory!

Those two seem to really be going at it, huh?

CENSORSHIP  screen (turf war sounds and Angel Dust)

Katie: Looks like they’re fighting tooth and nail for that hot spot!

Tom: And I’d sure like to nail her ****! [short chuckle]

Katie: [giggle] You are a limp **** jackass, Tom.

Or should I say--

-[coffee splash and Tom grunting] No ****!

-Not again!

Katie: -Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of Hell’s own head honcho, who’s here to discuss her brand-new passion project!

-[Tom wincing in pain]

All that and more, after the break! [mug breaks]

Suck it up you little *****-- [off-air noise]

Vaggie[sigh] Okay. You remember what to say?

[deep breath] Yes!

Charlie: [enthusiastically] Let’s do this!

Vaggie: Just- look at me, and I’ll mouth it to you.

Charlie: Come on, Vaggie! I know what to say!

I just feel like we need to- I don’t know, make things sound more exciting-- 

[gasp] Oh! What if I-- 

Vaggie: -**** a **** about it?

You knew I was gonna say that.

Because I know you. But please don’t ****.

This is serious.

Charlie: Well you know, I’m better at expressing myself and my goals through ****!

Vaggie: But life isn’t a musical, hon.

Fine. 

Charlie: But I have these other ideas of what to say.

[excitedly] The highlighted bits are the best parts!

Vaggie: Uh, it’s all highlighted.

Is this a drawing?

Charlie: Yes! That’s the happy ending, see?

Everyone’s smiling and happy in Heaven!

Vaggie: I don’t think it’s that simple.

Just please follow the talking points we went over. 

And do. Not. ****.

Charlie: [exasperatedly] Okay, fine.

[with an accent] I’ll just have to resort to my impeccable improv skills.

Hi! I’m Charlie. [holds out hand]

Katie Killjoy. [snaps cigarette and blows smoke]

I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie.

You can put that away.

I don’t touch the gays.

I have standards.

Charlie: Yeah? How’s uh- how’s that working out for ya?

Katie: Look, my time is money, so I’ll keep this short.

We’re not here because we wanted you here, you’re here because Jeffry couldn’t make it for his cannibal cooking segment.

You might be some royal bigshot, but that doesn’t mean **** to me.

I’m too rich and too influential to give a flying ****about what some tux-wearing demon princess wants to advertise.

-But I--

Katie: -So don’t get cute with me honey, or I will ****ing **** you. 

And we’re live!

Welcome back! [bone snap and short scream]

So, Charlotte.

[squeak] It’s Charlie.

Whatever. 

Katie: [escalating in intensity] Tell us about this new passion project you’ve been insistently pestering our news station about!

Well… [clears throat]

[breathes out] As most of you know, I was born here in Hell, and growing up, I always tried to see the good in everything around me. 

[pen clicks]

[stabbing noise and short scream]

Charlie: Hell is my home, and you are my people.

We- we just went through another extermination.

We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year.

No one is even given a ****! [quiet desk slam and car chirp]

I can’t stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence!

So, I’ve been thinking. Isn’t there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell?

Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through… redemption?

Well I think yes. So that’s what this project aims to achieve!

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m opening the first of its kind!

A hotel that rehabilitates ****ers! [silence]

[low squeaking sound]

Charlie: Y’know? ‘Cause hotels are for people passing through… temporarily.

[background bar music]

[laughing] Is this girl for real?

[while laughing] She thinks, you hear what she thinks? She-- [short laugh]

Oh, she’s nuts.

I figure it would serve a purpose… a place work towards redemption!

[weakly] Yay…

[short radio static]

[scoff] Stupid *****.

[punching noise] Oof! [crashing]

Charlie: Look, every single one of you has something good deep down inside. 

I know you do.

[ding and short cat meow]

Maybe I’m not getting through to you.

Vaggie: Oh ****.

[snap and whoosh]

[short explosion noise]

♪ I have a dream ♪

♪ I'm here to tell ♪

♪ About a wonderful, fantastic new hotel ♪

♪ Yes, it's one of a kind ♪

♪ Right here in **** ♪

♪ Catering to a specific clientele ♪

♪ (Oooh) ♪

♪ Inside of every demon is a rainbow ♪

♪ Inside every ****er is a shiny smile! ♪

♪ Inside of every creepy hatchet-****ing maniac ♪

♪ Is a jolly, happy, cupcake-loving child ♪

♪ We can turn around! ♪

♪ They'll be heaven-bound! ♪

♪ With just a little time ♪

♪ Down at the Happy Hotel! ♪

♪ So all you junkies, freaks and weirdos ♪

♪ Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeroes ♪

♪ And the fallen superheroes, help is here! ♪

♪ All of you cretins, sluts and losers ♪

♪ Sexual deviants and boozers ♪

♪ And prescription drug abusers ♪

♪ Need not fear ♪

♪ Forever again ♪

♪ We'll cure your **** ♪

♪ We'll make you **** ♪

♪ You'll feel so **** ♪

♪ Right here in Hell, at the Happy Hotel! ♪

♪ There'll be no more fire ♪

♪ And no more screams ♪

♪ Just puppy dog kisses, and cotton candy dreams ♪

♪ And puffy-wuffy clouds ♪

♪ You're gonna be like, ****! ♪

♪ Once you check in with me! ♪

♪ So, all your cartoon porn addictions ♪

♪ Vegan rants, psychic predictions ♪

♪ Ancient Roman crucifixions ♪

♪ **** right here! ♪

♪ All you monsters, thieves and crazies ♪

♪ Cannibals and crying babies ♪

♪ Frothing mouthers full of rabies ♪

♪ **** with cheer! ♪

♪ You'll be complete! ♪

♪ It'll be so neat! ♪

♪ Our service can't be beat!  ♪

♪ You'll be on **** street! (Yes!) ♪

♪ Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel! ♪

(Yeah!)

Turf War Part 2

[Charlie pants slightly]

[silence]

Demon: Wow! That was ****!

[everyone laughs uncontrollably]

Boo.

Katie: What in the nine circles makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two ****s about becoming a better person?

You have no proof that this little experiment even works!

You want people to be **** just… because?

-[Katie and audience laughs]

Charlie: -Well, we have a patron already who believes in our cause, and he’s shown incredible progress!

Katie: Oh? And who might that be?

Charlie: Oh, just someone named… Angel Dust.

Tom: The **** star? [zipper noise]

Katie: -You fucking would, Tom.

-[screech]

In any case, that’s not even an accomplishment.

I’m sure you can get that hooker to do anything with enough ****er sugar and ****. [squelching and wolf whistle]

Oh, I beg to differ.

Charlie: He’s been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for 2 weeks now.

Breaking news!

[whistle and crash]

We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war!

Let’s go to the live feed!

[laughter from TV]

Charlie: Oh ****.

Katie; Oh **** indeed!

It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than-- 

[gasp] porn actor Angel Dust!

Katie: What a juicy coincidence!

You must feel really stupid right now.

[Katie and Tom laugh]

[excitedly] Ratings!

[gasp] Don’t look at this!

Katie: Well, it sure looks like your little project is **** on arrival.

Tell us, how does it feel to be such a total failure?

-[Katie and audience laughs]

-[bone crack]

Charlie: Yeah? Well- how does it feel that I got your pen, huh?

****?!

[ominous thud]

[nervously laughs] Oops.

[whistle as Tom runs away]

Cheeri: Hey, thanks for the ***ckup, Angie!

[laughs] You kiddin’?

Angel: This is the best action I’ve seen in ages. [explosion]

Where you been anyway?

I thought you up and died or some ****.

-Oh I wish!

-[burning fuse]

Angel: I’ve been staying at this ***** hotel on the other side of town.

Some broads are lettin’ me stay rent-free if I play nice.

[whoosh]

[sigh] Y’know, no fights, no pranks, no “problematic language.”

Her words, not mine.

Angel: These crazy *****es are no fun!

[frustratedly] I’ve been clean for two weeks!

Holy ****.

Well, sorta clean.

Angel: As clean as you can get with a ****load of Bolivian marching powder.

[chain noises]

[Angel Dust grunts]

[whoosh and thud]

Angel: Oh, harder daddy!

[slight gasp] Son?!

[zipper noise]

[train whistle and smack]

[Sir Pentious growls]

Sir Pentious: [while hissing] You ***res have no class!

In war, the side remembered is the side with the most… ****. [spring noise]

Cherri: Or the side that ain’t ****.

-[chain noises]

Angel: -Speaking of style, is your hat like, alive or somethin’?

Sir Pentious: Oh, well, that’s none of your god**** business, now is it?

Angel: Would that make your hat the top and you the bottom? [zipper noise]

-[air horn noise]

-Ooooh!

[cartoon thud]

Sir Pentious: I’m going to blow you to bits!

Angel: Hm! Kinky!

Sir Pentious: Oh, not like that! *******!

[gun cock]

[stretching noises]

Sir Pentious: Not so ****y now, are we?

Angel: Y’know, you really gotta watch what comes out of your mouth.

I’ve been making these sex jokes the whole TIME!

-[drill whirring]

-And it’s obvious ya ain’t catchin’ on.

-[cocks gun]

Angel: I mean, it’s just SAD! [laser shooting]

Cheeri: So think you’re gonna get in a lot of trouble for this?

Angel: Eh, what’s one little brawl gonna cause?

[alarm noises]

Angel: Why won’t anyone **** me?!

Cherri: Glad ya haven’t changed.

Cherri: You know you’re my favorite guy to **** with!

Angel: You know it, sugar ****.

Cherri: You ready to finish this?

[match light sound and burning fuse]

Angel: [cocks gun] Born ready, baby.

[Angel Dust, Cherri Bomb, Sir Pentious, Egg Bois, Charlie, Katie, and Tom yell]

[car driving]

[car window raising and lowering]

[Charlie sighs slightly]

What?

Vaggie: What? What?!

What were you doing?!

Angel: [sigh] I owed my girl buddy a ****!

Isn’t that a “redeeming quality”?

Angel: Helping friends with ****?

Vaggie: Not with **** wars that result in territorial genocide!

Angel: Eh, you win some, you lose a few hundred. [snickers]

-It wasn’t that bad anyway.

-[car window raising and lowering]

[high-pitched knife whoosh and twang]

[animal growl]

Angel: Aw come on, I had to!

My credibility was on the line!

[sigh] I mean, what kind of reputation would I have if people found out I was trying to go clean?

It just throws out my entire persona.

Vaggie: Your credibility? What about the hotel?

Your little stunt made us look like a ****ing joke!

Angel: No no no, babe. Jokes are funny!

I made you look… uh, sad!

And pathetic!

Like an orphan, with no arms, or legs…

Uh… oh, with progeria!

Great! Now I’m bummed thinking about it!

This thing have any liquor?

Vaggie: Can you please just try to take this seriously?

Angel: Fine, I’ll try, just don’t get your **** in a twist, baby.

Vaggie; Was that you trying to be sexist or racist?

Angel: Whatever pisses you off more.

Is there seriously no liquor in here?

Vaggie: I’m gonna **** him.

Angel: Too late, toots.

Wait, would that make me double dead?

[while laughing slightly] And where exactly do I go, to double ****?

[laughs]

Sorry, you’re stuck with me, *****.

Get used to it.

[angrily swears in Spanish]

Angel: Listen, who cares if some jagoffs got hurt?

Most of them are ugly freaks.

-Look around! Got a bunch of ****in ******babies down here.

-You’re one to talk.

-[Angel Dust laughs]

-Hey!

This body is flawless! [low female moan]

Angel: Everyone wants some of me, and I’ve got the creepy fan letters to prove it!

Charlie: That was really uncool y’know, Angel.

Vaggie; [growls] Uncool?!

After that trainwreck, there is no way anyone is gonna wanna stay at the hotel.

All thanks to you and your selfish bull****!

Angel: Does that mean I don’t have a free room anymore?

[squeaking]

Angel: [while mockingly sighing] Ah, well, ****.

Charlie: Hey, come on, we don’t know if things are over yet.

Try to relax, Vaggie. It’ll be okay!

[car driving]

[doors open loudly]

[bug crawling sounds and low creaking]

[Vaggie frustratedly exclaims]

[fridge opens]

[dripping]

Angel: [takes out popsicle] It’s prolly a good idea to get some actual **** in this place.

Angel: Y’know, to f*** all the wayward souls ya got in here.

[laughs, becomes nervous laughter]

[door opens and closes]

[phone sounds]

Charlie: [voicemail tone] Hey Mom. 

Um, I know I keep ****ing, and you must be busy.

Really busy.

But um, the interview didn’t go well and... I don’t know if I’m going to make a difference.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I could really use some advice, Mom.

[sadly] I think Dad was right about me.

A-anyway, I’ll stop ****ing before this gets long.

**** you! Bye.

[tap]

[door open and close]

The Radio Demon’s Arrival

[extremely slow “shave and a haircut” knock]

[door open]

[violin screech]

-Hell--

-[door shut]

-[door open]

-o.

-[door shut]

Charlie: Hey Vaggie?

Vaggie: [annoyedly] What?

Charlie: [nervously] The Radio Demon is at the door!

Vaggie: ****?!

Angel: Uh, who?

Charlie: What should I do?

Vaggie: Well, don’t let him in!

[door opens]

Alastor: May I **** now?

Charlie: -You may--

Alastor: -Alastor, pleasure to be ****ing you, sweetheart, quite a pleasure.

Alastor: Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco on a picture show and I just couldn’t resist.

What a performance!

Why, I haven’t been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929!

[laughs]

Alastor: -So many orphans--

Vaggie: -Stop right there!

[swears in Spanish under breath] **** ***

I know your game.

Vaggie: And I’m not gonna let you **** anyone here, you pompous, cheesy **** **** ****lord!

Alastor: [while laughing slightly] Dear, if I wanted to **** anyone here…

Alastor: [creepily] I would have done so already. [loud demonic static]

Alastor: No, I’m here because I want to ****!

Charlie: Say what now?

Alastor: ****! [laughs] Hello?

Is this thing on?

Testing, testing…

Well I heard you loud and clear!

Charlie: Um, you want to ****?

Alastor: [in Charlie’s voice] With- [normal voice] this ridiculous thing you’re trying to do!

This hotel! [call bell dings twice]

Alastor: I want to help you **** it.

Charlie: Uh… why?

Alastor: [laughs] Why does anyone **** anything?

Sheer, absolute boredom!

I’ve lacked inspiration for decades!

My **** became mundane, lacking focus, aimless!

I’ve come to crave a new form of entertainment!

[laughs]

Charlie: Does getting into a **** fight with a reporter count as entertainment?

[laughs]

Alastor: It’s the purest kind, my dear.

Reality! True passion!

After all, the world is a stage!

And the stage is a world of entertainment.

Charlie: So, does this mean that you think it’s possible to rehabilitate a demon?

[laughter]

Alastor: Of course not. That’s **** nonsense!

Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity!

Alastor; Nononono, I don’t think there’s anything left that could save such loathsome ****rs!

The chance given was the life they lived before; the punishment is ****!

There is no undoing what is done!

Charlie: So then, why do you want to **** me if you don’t believe in my cause?

Alastor: Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself!

I want to watch the **** of the world struggle to climb up the **** of betterment!

Only to repeatedly **** and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure.

Charlie: Right.

Alastor: Yes indeedy!

Alastor: I see big things coming your way, and who better to **** than I… [fades off]

CENSORED screen (radio static)

Angel: Ah, so uh, what’s the deal with Smiles over there?

Vaggie: Wait, you’ve never heard of him before?

You’ve been here longer than me!

[creak]

The Radio Demon, one of the most powerful beings Hell has ever seen?

Angel: Eh, not big on politics.

[Vaggie annoyedly exclaims]

Decades ago, Alastor manifested in Hell, seemingly overnight.

He began to **** overlords who had been dominant for centuries.

That kind of raw power had never been harnessed by a mortal soul before.

Then, he broadcast his carnage all throughout Hell, just so everyone could witness his ability.

****rs started calling him the Radio Demon.

(As lazy as that is.)

Many have speculated what unimaginable force enabled him to rival our world’s most ancient and destructive ****s.

But one thing’s for sure:

He’s an unpredictable source of danger, a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of **** the likes of which we can’t risk getting involved with unless we want to end up ****ed.

Angel: Ya done?

[silently laughs] He looks like a strawberry ****!

Vaggie: Well, I don’t trust him!

Angel: To be fair, do you trust any man?

Any men?

[slight laugh] Men?

Vaggie: Charlie, listen to me.

You can’t believe this *****!

He isn’t just a happy face!

He’s a dealmaker, pure ****!

He can’t be redeemed!

And is most likely looking for a way to destroy everything we’re trying to do.

Charlie: I- we don’t know that- look.

I know he’s bad, and I know he probably doesn’t wanna change, but the whole point of this is to give people a chance!

To have faith things will be better!

How can I **** someone away?

I can’t.

It goes against everything I’m trying to do.

Everything I believe in.

Just trust me.

I can take care of myself.

Vaggie: Charlie, whatever you do, do not make a **** with him!

Charlie: Don’t worry, I picked up one thing from my dad.

[imitating Lucifer] “Ya don’t take **** from other demons!”

Charlie: Okay, so… Al. You’re sketchy as f***, and you clearly see what I’m trying to do here is a joke.

But I don’t.

I think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be better.

So, I’m taking your offer to ****.

On the condition that there be no tricks or voodoo strings attached.

Alastor: So it’s a **** then?

[energy humming]

Charlie: Nope!

No shaking! No ****s!

I- hmm…

Charlie: As princess of Hell, and heir to the throne, I uh, hereby order that you **** with this hotel, for as long as you desire.

Sound fair?

Alastor:Hmm… fair enough.

Cool beans.

[Alastor hums]

Smile, my dear! [tea kettle whistle]

Alastor: You know you’re never fully dressed without one!

[Alastor hums]

Alastor: So where is your hotel staff?

Uh, well…

[creaking]

[whoosh and whistle]

[growl]

Alastor: Oh ho ho ho, you’re going to **** more than that.

And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?

Angel: I can suck your ****!

[radio screech]

Alastor: Ha! No.

[slight laugh] Your ****. [zipper noise]

Alastor: Well this just won’t do!

I suppose I can cash in a few favors to liven things up!

[whooshes]

[fire crackling]

[fire smoking]

[toy squeak]

Alastor: This little ****ing is Niffty!

Niffty: Hi! I’m Niffty!

It’s nice to **** you!

It’s been a while since I’ve made new friends!

[slight excited laugh]

Niffty: Why are you all women?

Have any men here?!

I’m sorry, that’s rude.

Oh man, this place is filthy!

It really needs a lady’s touch, which is weird, because you’re all ladies, no offense.

Oh my gosh, this is ****!

No, no, no, [giggles slightly] no, no--  

[gasp] Nope.

Husk: Ha! Read ‘em and weep, boys!

-Full- whoa…

-[high-pitched demonic noises]

-the hell?

Husk: What the **** is this?

You.

Alastor: Ah, Husker my good friend!

Alastor: Glad you could **** it!

Husk: Don’t you “Husker” me, you son of a *****.

I was about to win the whole damn pot!

Alastor: Good to see you too!

[facepalm smack]

Husk: What the **** l do you want with me this time?

Alastor: My friend, I am doing some charity work, so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services!

I hope that’s okay.

Husk: Are you ******* me?!

Alastor: Hmm… no, I don’t think so.

Husk: You thought it would be some kind of big ******* riot just to pull me outta nowhere?

You think I’m some kinda ******* clown?

Alastor: ...maybe.

-[radio audience laughs]

Husk: -I ain’t doin’ no ******* charity job.

Alastor: Well, I figured you would be the perfect face to **** the front desk of this fine establishment. [radio clapping]

With your charming smile and welcoming energy, this job was made for you!

Don’t worry, my friend.

I can make this more welcoming…

if you ****.

[slot machine sounds that cut off]

Husk: What, you think you can **** me with a wink and some cheap booze?!

Well you can!

[gulping and slot machine sounds]

Vaggie: Hey hey, heyheyhey!

No, no bar, no alcohol.

This is supposed to be a place that discourages sin!

Vaggie: -Not some kind of… mouth, brothel, man-cave--

-[smack and car horn noise] Shut up! Shut! Up!

Angel: We are keeping this.

-[zipper sound]

-Hey. 

Husk: Go **** yourself.

Angel: -Only if you watch me.

-[woman moan and zipper sound]

Charlie: Oh my gosh! Welcome to the Happy Hotel!

Charlie: [very excitedly] You are going to love it here!

Husk: I lost the ability to **** years ago.

[gulping]

Alastor: So, what do you think?

Charlie: This is amazing! [noisemaker sound]

Vaggie: It’s… okay.

[laughs]

Alastor: This is going to be very entertaining!

♪ You have a dream ♪ 

♪ You wish to **** ♪

♪ And it’s just laughable ♪

♪ But hey kid, what the ****! ♪

♪ ‘Cause you’re one of a kind ♪

♪ A charming demon belle! ♪

♪ Now let’s give these ****ing fools a place to dwell ♪

♪ (Take it, boys!) ♪

♪ (Boo!) ♪

♪ Inside of every demon is a **** cause ♪

♪ But we’ll **** ‘em up for now with just a smile! ♪

♪ (With a smile!) ♪

♪ And we’ll chlorinate this cesspool ♪

♪ With some old redemption flair ♪

♪ And show these simpletons some proper class and style! ♪

♪ (What’s in style?) ♪

♪ (Oh!) ♪

♪ **** below the ground ♪

♪ I’m sure your plan is sound!  ♪

♪ They’ll spend a little time ♪

♪ Down at this Hazbin Ho-- ♪

Sir Pentious’ Visit

-[explosion]

Whoo! [crash]

Sir Pentious: Ha! Well well well, look who it is harboring the striped freak!

We **** yet again, Alastor!

Alastor: Do I **** you?

[balloon deflation sound]

[angrily] Oh, yes you do!

And this time, I have the element of- surprise!

[maniacal laughter]

I’m so evil!

[maniacal laughter]

-[explosions and glass breaking]

-Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa! [screaming]

[slam]

Oh, that hurt!

[slams]

[squeaking]

[Sir Pentious screaming]

[crunch]

[demonic radio static]

[explosion]

[noise dies down]

Alastor: Well I’m starved!

Who wants some jambalaya?

My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for jambalaya!

In fact, it nearly ****ed her! [laughs]

You could say the **** was right out of Hell! 

[while laughing] Oh, I’m on a roll!

Yes sir, this is the start of some real changes down here!

The **** is set!

Now... [whoosh and magic noise]

Stay tuned. [low laughter]

[credits roll]

[smoke]

[rattle]

[slight crunches]

Egg Boi: Now will you **** me with your ray gun?

[thud]