Art by U/Shad0w Galaxy https://www.reddit.com/r/HazbinHotel/comments/erh6pf/2p_charlie/
Concept by Anic https://twitter.com/Anic917_eng Art by Khabee https://twitter.com/khabee_
A princess with long
black hair walked out from a balcony. She wore a black undershirt with a white
bow tie on top. A dark teal shirt, long white pants and white high heel shoes
completed the look. Her face was white and teal blushes were present on her cheeks.
She was the inverted, antithesis of Charlie, the princess of Hell in a parallel
world.
“For all my life, I’ve
been taught that all angels have good inside them. But I know that to be a lie.
Ever since Lucifer and Lilith, God’s closest angels betrayed Him… I don’t think
I can believe in these flawed teachings anymore…”
The princess was
Caroline Egnam, born and raised in Heaven…though she was not at all one would
expect her to be in such a place. Self-entitled and pessimistic, nothing much
could cheer her up except heavy metal music, rebelling against the rules and
the occasional brawl.
“It’s inevitable that
all those imperfect angels will go to Hell. They deserve to deal with suffering
and challenges. Best of all, they wouldn’t be bound by social expectations.
Heck, I wouldn’t be too surprised if it were me. I do enjoy my comfortable life
here, just not these restrictions.”
Her servants Pub and
Chub were fat white cherub angels with horns on their heads, black wings, and
black eyes. One held an electric guitar while the other shot out torpedoes from
a small cannon.
Outside was a white
clock tower standing tall against the blue sky. The numbers read 0 then changed
to 365 days. Writing above the numbers read “days until the next cleanse in
Hell.”
Caroline leaned against
the marble balcony and began to sing in a low growl.
(“I’m Always Evading
Shadows”)
“At the end of the journey, there’s suffering
Denying
it, how often I’ve tried
But
my life’s a disgrace
Just
a slap in the face
And
the harsh truths have all been denied”
“A
sliver of despair in this world of light
I
know this world’s not free of sin
I
search for the good
But
get misunderstood
And
reality will always win”
“Why
have I always been so imperfect?
Lost
in this brainwashed sea
I
wonder if the world’s to blame
I
wonder if it could be me”
“I’m
always evading shadows
Trapped,
drowning in the social flow
Free-will
forbidden, my answers are hidden
Lying
down below”
“Some
people sugarcoat their speeches
I
always blab out what I mean
I
may be cruel but I am no fool
Things
are never what they seem
Believe
me”
“I’m
always evading shadows
Waiting
for people to awaken
In
vain”
A nearby portal opened
and out came the Exterminators, bloodstains over their wings and bodies and
harpoons. They took off their creepy LED masks, their white angelic faces
revealed. One by one, the citizens clapped and cheered. One of the Archangels
with four black wings flew up to the front, his spiked halo glowing. He took
off his mask, revealing a white face with yellow eyes and fiery red hair.
“Another successful
purge,” their leader Samael praised. “You cleansed more sinners while still
keeping the population in a good balance. Well done, all of you.” He cleared
his throat and made a cross symbol over his heart. “For the greater good in the
name of our Lord.”
The angels repeated the
phrase.
“Until next year.
Dismissed.” The Archangel soldiers saluted and then flew off separately to see
their families.
All around Caroline,
Holy City was basked in a heavenly glow. The city was located up in the sky
among the clouds, but no one had to worry about falling, even the ones without
their wings out. A large church with the appearance of the Notre Dame Cathedral
stood proudly in the city square, made of polished marble. Choirs and songs
floated through the stained glass windows as the regular angels went in and out
to pray and visit with their neighbors. A large fountain sprouted non-alcoholic
wine of a golden color. It had a white statue of Mary and Jesus as a young boy
at the top, both with welcoming faces.
The streets were
spotless and clean. Roofs and roads were powered by the sun’s rays. The Cloud 9
supermarket had endless amounts of food for sale…no one ever had to worry about
going hungry. Charity workers and volunteers worked by the dozens, passing out
food and bestowing miracles for those who needed them in the lower levels of
Heaven.
This version of Heaven
was very similar to the Heaven in the realm next door, the one above the
familiar Hell with the Hazbin Hotel. Unlike those angels with their blonde hair
and red blushes, these angels most often had black hair and teal blushes on
their cheeks. Like in the other Heaven, some of the bipedal angels displayed
animal-like characteristics: some had heads of doves, others had swan wings and
mannerisms. Many of them had fur, ears, and fluffy tails of dogs and wolves. It
was the only place where dogs and cats could dance and prance together without
conflict. Still a few others had faces of flowers or even objects like harps
and musical instruments.
God’s Palace was the
grandest place of all: it was settled at the highest point of Heaven like Mount
Olympus. Only a few angels were allowed to visit there. Seraph angels with six
rainbow wings guarded the throne of God as well as the outside of the palace.
There were rumors that in the palace gardens, the Tree of Life and the Tree of
Knowledge were grown there, heavily protected.
Lucius and Lilian were
Caroline’s parents, those who took the place of Lucifer and Lilith after they
were banished. They were named the new king and queen of heaven, thus Caroline
became the princess.
Lucius had a white face,
teal blushes on his cheeks and short dark hair. Lucius wore a gray suit with a
dark blue bow tie and a black top hat with two white features attacked to the
brim. Lilian’s hair was long and black, and she, too had the teal blushes and
typical angel features. She wore a golden halo crown and an elegant white
dress. Both had white wings which could turn black when they were angry or
defensive.
Along the street, a red
car stopped beside the sidewalk. A tall creature opened the car door and
stepped out. The spider angel had a furry dark gray face and body, plus
multiple slender arms: six in total. He wore tall boots, green gloves and a
shirt with a white bow-tie near the top. His shirt and sleeves had black and
dark green stripes. Green dots resembling eyes were located under his eyes.
“Thank you for the ride,”
said the spider angel.
“No problem, Devil
Grit,” said the driver Travis, a white furry guy wearing a top hat.
Devil walked over to a
vending machine and bought himself a granola bar. He then gave it to a homeless
guy leaning against the wall.
He walked inside a
building and onto a stage in an auditorium. His opponent was already standing
nervously at his spot, a microphone rising from the ground and stopping in
front of him.
Pentious Senor was the
nervous white snake. He had a white face with large slightly teal eyes with
white pupils. He wore a white bow tie with a blue circle in the center below
his thin neck. Surrounding his face on a flap of skin were bright teal eyes
against dark purple. His suit was light gray with dark purple vertical stripes.
Finally, he wore a large light gray top hat with a large green eye moving eye
in the center.
The crowd settled into
their seats and the debate began.
“Those other brave do
gooders will do great with helping me with my presentation. Anyone want to
try?”
A couple of hands shot
up. Mechanical eggs on robotic legs moved around to help out the white snake
lord.
Senor pushed a button
and a presentation showed up on a screen titled “Heaven Economics and Invention
Ideas.”
“I don’t like to fight,”
Senor said, “and I’m super nervous up here…”
Devil Grit glared at his
cowardly opponent who then yelped, “Don’t look at me like that!”
“Heaven doesn’t need any
future technology,” Grit argued, “because we already have better things:
friendships, food, and fun.”
Pentious Senor glanced
down nervously at his note cards and read from them. “At this rate I will
persuade the entire East end of Holy City by night’s beginning. And nothing,
not a single beauty in this paradise of bliss, will be able to change my mind
or escape the constrictive grasp of persuasive argumentation.”
“Heaven will be ours,
though it’s mine in my mind. And everybody will know the name of…”
“Scared Snake,” said a
female voice.
“W-who said that?” Senor
asked.
“You ready for a debate,
old man?”
The voice belonged to
Berri Blossom, the opposite of Cherri Bomb in Hell. She was a tall cyclops with
black skin, with a single green eye with a black cross in the center. She wore
a long dark green dress and white high heeled shoes. Her black skin was
decorated in some areas near her shoulders with tiny teal specks. Her long hair
was curly, blue at the top and black near the bottom.
She walked over beside
her academic partner Devil Grit. “Why don’t you play with your tinker toys
somewhere else while I go over the logistics of divine law school?” She looked
professional and poised.
“You want to go, madam?”
Pentious Senor asked. He flicked his hood back. “Well, let the battle for
tenure and status begin!”
A neon logo appeared on
the screen, saying “Divine News” surrounded by a halo. The names of the news
cast appeared on the bottom of the screen.
“Good afternoon, Holy
City!” said a woman with short black hair, wearing a light blue dress. “I’m
Catie Carejoy.”
“And I’m Ron Wrench,”
said the man next to her, wearing a business suit and who had a wrench for a
head.
After discussing the weather, various humane
societies, and legends on Earth, Catie continued, “The debate battle is underway
between inventor and conservative coward Pentious Senor and professional
economics expert Berri Blossom. Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview
with the daughter of His Majesty Lucius, who’s here to discuss her brand new
passion-project! All that and more after the break!”
Inside the break room,
Agatha adjusted Caroline’s white bow tie. Nearby, a blue tinted sign read “No
smoking.” Another sign read “In The Air” in large letters.
“Okay, you remember what
to say?” Agatha asked Caroline.
“Yes, I’m ready,”
Caroline stated.
Agatha brushed her long
black hair from her face. Like Vaggie in Hell, Agatha’s thick hair extended
down to her legs, giving her hair the appearance of moth wings. She had a green
cross over her right eye and her left eye was purple with a white pupil. A teal
bow was perched on top of her head. Her skin was dark gray and she wore a dark
gray crop top with white xs over her breasts. She also wore leggings, her right
legging striped dark green and light gray, her left legging light gray.
“Oh this is gonna be great!”
Agatha said happily. “How about you make your speech sound more exciting?”
“Come on, Agatha, I know
what I’m going to say,” Caroline answered, crossing her arms.
Agatha walked over to
the pitcher of ambrosia punch on the table. Pub and Chub ate bagels from the
table. Agatha got an idea. “Oh! What if you…”
“Sing a song about it?”
Caroline asked, with a roll of her eyes. “I’m not going to. This is serious!”
She curled her hand into a fist and brought it down on the palm of her other
hand. “They won’t take me serious if I start belting out some random song. Life
isn’t a musical.”
“But neither is it an
emo tragedy,” Agatha pointed out. “Life is great, especially with all the cute
guys around.” Her single purple eye shinned.
“Romance, bleh,” Caroline
made a face and Agatha giggled.
“Hey,” Agatha
brightened, pulling out a piece of paper. “I have some ideas about what you
could say.” She bounced up and down. “The highlighted bits are the best parts!”
“They’re all highlighted,” Caroline replied,
scanning the paper. “You call your childish drawing your ideas for me?”
“Sure!” Agatha said.
“Look here.” It showed a list of different terms “sinners = winners”
“Misunderstood are still good” and “demons and angels party between worlds!”
Skulls were lined up at the bottom of the page: “we’re all connected by death.”
“Say, that’s actually
pretty good!” Caroline said with a smile of sharp teeth.
“Thanks!” Agatha beamed.
Caroline snatched the
piece of paper from her friend and tore it in half, much to her shock. “But you
should know my ideas are always better.” She tossed the pieces of paper aside,
gave a salute and walked out the door.
Catie waved with a smile.
“Hello, Caroline. I’m Catie Carejoy.” She held out her hand but Caroline didn’t
take it. Catie continued, pulling her hand back. “So this project of yours,
when did you come up with this idea of creating a hotel in order to…break the
law as the rumors say?”
The angel crew murmured
nervously.
“I’m gonna keep this
short,” Caroline said. “You might think my idea doesn’t hold water, but that
doesn’t matter to me. I’m too influential to give a flying feather about what
some news lady thinks of my proposal.”
The crowd gasped. Ron
shook his head.
“Well, if you can’t take
constructive criticism and be polite…”
“…and we’re live!”
called a voice as a buzzer sounded.
“And we’re back!” Catie
said, rushing over into her seat. “So, Carrie…”
“It’s Princess Caroline
Egnam,” said Caroline, sitting in a chair beside her and Ron Wrench.
“Sorry. So tell us about
your project.”
Caroline took a deep
breath. “As most of you know, I was born here in Heaven, and growing up, I’ve
always tried to see the good in everything around me. But recently, I don’t
believe that’s always the case. We just completed another Extermination. So
many sinful souls lost but for what reason? God said in the Commandments “thou
shall not kill,” yet killing random people is okay? If we can’t even trust
ourselves with our actions and thoughts, is Heaven truly paradise? Not to
mention that ever since Lucifer and Lilith betrayed Him, we don’t know who to
really trust. Some people are given too many chances!” She pounded her fist on
the desk, startling Catie.
Caroline stood up and
made her way forward. “No one is truly flawless. Mistakes are made, but we get
blamed for doing things we sometimes enjoy. Sex, drugs, partying, swearing,
even violence. All because we don’t live up to standards imposed upon us, both
here and on Earth! I can’t stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to
such lies and propaganda! So, I’ve been thinking…isn’t there a more liberating
way to hinder forced compliance here in Heaven? Perhaps we can create an
alternative way to express change through…recreation?”
The angels talked
quietly amongst themselves. Aggy nodded in appreciation.
“Well I think yes,”
Caroline continued. “So that’s what this project aims to achieve.” She walked
back to the desk and sat down. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m opening the first of
its kind, a hotel that encourages moderate amounts of so-called sin!” She
spread out her arms.
The audience stared in
stunned silence. Many of the adults were shaking their heads.
“Who is that girl?”
asked a dragon watching from inside a soup kitchen. “What’s her deal with
trying to cause more trouble for this world?”
“She’s nuts!” added
another angel with an eagle’s head and wings, wearing a suit.
Caroline added nervously,
“I figure it would serve a purpose…a place to work toward self-expression.
Yay.”
Among the crowd of
angels watching the news outside, a tall man with a thin pale brownish face stood
toward the back. He wore a light blue dress suit, had blue and white hair, fluffy
deer-like ears, and large blue eyes. He watched the program with a look of
worry. A deer creature made of light appeared beside him. A sign posted on the
wall showing the same man as a DJ read: “Counseling and good times with the
Techno Angel!”
A camera man shook his
head at Caroline. Agatha walked up to him and said, “Please give her a chance.”
Caroline sighed. “Look,
I know every single one of you has insecurities and issues that need not be
bottled up. If you could just embrace those sides of yourselves…”
Caroline then smirked.
“Maybe I’m not getting through to you.”
Agatha clapped her hands
and “ooohed” in excitement as Rub and Chub got the electric guitar ready.
Caroline showed a pair
of sharp white teeth and black horns emerged from her head. Black feathery
wings sprouted from her back and an X appeared over her right eye. A harpoon
appeared in her right hand and blue curved horns emerged from her wavy black
hair. She posed over the desk and began.
(“Inside of Every Angel is a Monster”)
“I have a dream
I’m
here to tell
About
a fantastic mind-blowing hotel
One
of a kind, go and yell
A
great place to dwell
Catering
to specific clientele”
*Guitar
starts and scream vocals*
“Inside
of every angel is a monster
Inside
of every do-gooder is a sinner
Inside
of every jolly go-lucky mentality
Is
a subconscious portion that’s always dimmer”
“Resist
all the rules
You’re
not passive fools!
With
just a little time
Down
at the Hazbin Hotel!”
“So
all you rescuers, priests, and heroes
Gifted
athletes, jocks, and cheerios
And
the sheep citizens, relief is here!
All
of you angels, leaders, and stars
Traditionalists
with fancy cars
And
the activists on Mars
Show
no fear
No
taboos, no laws
Embrace
your flaws
You’ll
be truly free
Check
in with me
It’s
the right path, you’ll see”
“There’ll
be no more pressure
And
no more status quo
Just
friendship, fun, and endless bags of dough
Establishment
put to rest
You’ll
be like, “Yes!”
Once
you check in with me!
“So
all your hierarchies, GMOs, politics, and isms
Lectures,
labor standards, and diamond studded prisms
Ancient
Indian elitisms
All
must die”
“All
you fantasizers, artists, servers, and lords
Spoiled
children, winners of awards
Imposers
of chores
Face
your fear!”
“Be
who you are
And
you’ll go so far
Our
service will raise the bar
You’ll
be the star
Come
from near or afar at the Hazbin Hotel!
Yeah!”
“Wow,” said an angel in a top hat. “That
was…alright.”
The crowd clapped half-heartedly.
Catie shook her head.
“What in the Nine Circles makes you think a single denizen of Heaven would give
two feathers about becoming a bad person? You have no proof that your little
experiment even works! You want people to disobey God and the rules
just…because?!”
Caroline lifted up her
head. “Well, we have a patron already who believes in our cause.”
“And who might that be?”
Catie asked.
“Oh just someone
named…Devil Grit.”
“The grumpy old spider?”
asked Ron Wrench.
“He’s not old,” argued
Catie. “He just acts older than he is.”
“Anyway,” said Catie to
Caroline. “You couldn’t even get that guy to do something bad, even if a gun
was pointed at his head.”
“Oh I beg to differ,”
Caroline argued. “He’s been troubled, dirty, and having conflicted thoughts for
two weeks, now.”
“Breaking news!” called
a voice as the screen changed to a recent debate shown in a building.
The news came on,
detailing Devil Grit and his recent TED talk about the 7 Heavenly Virtues.
“Well, it looks like the
one discussing the Heavenly Virtues is none other than…conservative Devil Grit!
What a coincidence!”
She and Ron did a
“ratings!” and jazz hands.
“Don’t look at this!”
yelled Caroline, waving her arms from behind the screen.
“I’m sorry to say, but
it looks like your plan’s departed on arrival,” said Catie. “I hope you learned
a good lesson here.”
Caroline’s eyes
twitched, her teeth barred. “Lesson?! I’ll teach you a lesson, bitch!” The princess and Catie fought fist and claw
on the desk. Ron called for security.
After Caroline was
kicked out, Agatha followed her wordlessly to the white limo. Devil Grit,
Agatha, and Caroline rode back to the hotel.
Devil Grit lounged in
the far seat, wearing an outfit of black with green stripes and green gloves on
his four hands.
“Devil,” said Agatha
with concern. “I know you were trying to do good by doing your professional
speech. But could you please try not to help society in public? Now people
won’t believe us when Caroline says that people are free to express their earthly
desires.”
“I’m sorry Aggy,” said
Devil from the other seat, “But I have a reputation to keep up. Helping the
greater good is His plan for all of us. Besides, a good professional debate is
a reasonable form of self-expression right?”
“Not to everyone,” said
Agatha. “What about the hotel? People are thinking that you don’t care about
Caroline’s project at all.”
“I do care, senorita,”
said Devil. “I just don’t think it’s going to be easy to accomplish in such a
short time. So many angels are fixated on tradition, myself included.”
“I do appreciate all of
your help,” said Caroline, still fuming after the interview, arms crossed. “But
I will make this project work, even if I have to do it myself.”
The white limo pulled up
in front of the hotel, a pristine building made of glass and marble. The group
got out of the car and stepped inside.
White wings made of
rainbow scales posed as part of the structure on the roof. The stained glass
windows by the door were decorated with apples, a tree of life, and many shades
of blue and green. The sign above read “Hazbin Hotel” in big letters on the
roof. Inside the lobby, a painting of Adam reaching toward God was displayed on
the high ceiling. The hotel had seven floors with seven rooms on each floor.
There was even a lab down in the basement which belonged to a frog man named
Terry, the opposite of the demon fish scientist Baxter from Hell. A bowl of
blue berries and blue raspberries sat on a table below a welcome banner. Aggy
rested on a couch while Devil Grit munched on a granola bar.
“It’s probably a good
idea to stock up some more food in this place,” said Devil Grit. “Good or bad,
people always seem to be greedy when they’re hungry.”
Devil Grit pulled out a
chart and went over probabilities and graphs regarding the hotel and the potential
number of visitors. Caroline just sighed and walked away toward the door. She
went outside and took out her cell phone, calling her mom.
“Carol cakes!” called
her mother through the phone. Caroline cringed.
“Mom, I told you not to
call me that! I’m not a little kid anymore.”
“Sorry, I can’t help
it,” said Lilian with a giggle. “How was the interview?”
“Meh. It was alright. I
proposed my idea, but nobody seemed to buy it.”
Lilian’s tone turned
more serious. “Caroline, why do you insist that everyone must go down to that
horrible place? Why can’t you just see the good in people?”
“Because,” Caroline
said, “Everyone has flaws and they don’t realize it.”
“Yes, but that also
applies to you, too. Before you get involved with the lives of others, you need
to look inside and critique yourself.”
“I’m a princess.
Everyone else has more flaws than I do.”
Lilian let out a long
sigh. “Young lady, we’ve been through this I don’t know how many times. You
have to push your selfish thoughts aside and just accept the way things are.
It’s part of a higher purpose.”
“And what is this
“higher purpose” anyway? To be His flock of dazed sheep, dancing around without
any care in the world? To not experience ecstasy and adventure, even for just a
moment?”
“That stuff is dangerous
and forbidden. Thousands of souls would do anything to get up to this highest
level of Heaven. And you just want to throw your afterlife away?”
Caroline paused in
thought. “If it means proving myself and serving Him in a way I see fit, then
so be it.”
“You have delusions of
what entertainment and happiness is, Carol. Sometimes, you need to take the
time and appreciate the beauty that’s in front of you.”
“Other than my own
refection, I don’t really see beauty in many other things. Well, metal and watching
battles…oh and tragic poetry…”
“You have a lot to
learn, dear daughter,” Lilian replied. “I’ll leave you alone to think about
it.”
“Whatever.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
Caroline hung up and went back inside,
shutting the door behind her. She leaned against the door frame, closing her
eyes in frustration…trying to hold back a stream of tears.
Just then, there was a
knock on the door. Two knocks, followed by five fast ones. Caroline got up and
turned around to answer it. She swung the stained glass door open. From outside
stood a man with a pale face, wearing a light blue pinstriped dress coat. A
white upward cross was part of the design on his blue undershirt. He was
carrying a modern microphone atop a staff in his left hand. His small antlers
were white and his hair and deer ears were blue with white tips. He wore
glasses as well. Caroline narrowed her eyes.
“Hi, excuse me…” he
spoke quietly. “Is this…”
“Fuck off!” Caroline
spat, slamming the door in his face.
She opened it again.
“…the right address?”
finished the man.
“No!” she shouted,
slamming it again.
“Hey Aggy!” called
Caroline.
“What?” her friend
asked.
“The crybaby Deer Man is
at the door!”
“What?!” she asked,
blushes appearing on her cheeks.
“Who?” asked Devil Grit.
“What should I do?”
“Well…let him in!” Aggy
said, eye shining.
Caroline rolled her eyes
and scoffed. She sighed and opened the door again.
“May I talk now?” the
man asked.
“Sure, whatever,”
Caroline said.
The man held out his
white gloved four-fingered hand and smiled. “Stalaro, it’s a pleasure to meet
you, miss.” He walked in. Worry was etched on his face. “I saw your interview
on the picture show and I was worried sick! I was afraid you were never coming
back after your argument. I haven’t been that upset since the 1929 Stock Market
Crash!” He sniffed, “So many orphans…”
“Hello there!” Aggy
called with a smile, staring up at him and walking in front of him. “I’m so
glad you’re here to help out my friend with this new hotel! I’m a big fan of
yours and just being in your presence is just…” She swooned. “Oh just take me
already you cute, pompous, talk show, blueberry pimp lord!”
Stalaro gave a nervous
laugh, “Dear, I’m mostly into guys but I appreciate the sentiment.” He conjured
up a strawberry in his hand and popped it into his mouth.
Aggy deflated a little.
“But if I wanted to take
anyone away…they would be gone already.”
Stalaro tilted his head.
His blue eyes briefly glowed with blue upside down radio dials in them. Electricity
sparked around cyan colored voodoo symbols in the air. His eyes filled with
tears, tears spilling down his pale brown cheeks.
Aggy watched in bliss,
while Devil and Caroline rolled their eyes at the show-off.
Stalaro shook his head
and his eyes returned to normal blue.
“No, I’m here because I
want to relax and help out.”
“Say what?” Caroline
asked, eyebrow raised.
Stalaro held up his
staff which glowed blue. He said with a sad crack in his voice, “Goodbye, is
this thing off?”
He tapped it. A blue sad
looking eye appeared in the center of the microphone. It spoke in a mechanical
voice. “You’re silent, quiet and unclear!”
“That’s your motivation
motto every day?” Devil Grit asked, crossing his four arms. “Pathetic!”
“Tragic and mysterious,
I love it!” Aggy squealed. “It’s like the opposite of announcing. It’s
denouncing.”
“Um…you want to help?” Caroline asked.
Stalaro appeared behind
them after morphing into light.
“With…” he spoke in her
growl then his normal shy sounding voice, “…this random thing you’re trying to
do. This hotel. I want to help you run it, if that’s okay.”
“Uh…why?”
Stalaro choked a bit on
his words. “Why doesn’t anyone do anything? Sheer absolute lethargy! I’ve been
partying around and keeping busy for decades. I would like to do something more
relaxing and easier.”
Aggy wrapped her arms
around him in a hug. Stalaro blushed uncomfortably. “Please don’t hurt me.”
“I wouldn’t dream of
it!”
He gently pulled her off
him. “My work became overwhelming, lacking focus. I’ve come to crave a new form
of disengagement!”
Caroline rolled her
eyes. “Does getting into a fist fight with a reporter count as disengagement?”
“No,” Stalaro said.
“It’s violent and messy, not really my thing. Life is truly strange…reality,
fantasy, true tragedy. After all the world is a grave, and the grave is a world
of disengagement!”
Caroline brightened a
bit. “So, does this mean you think it’s possible to taint an angel?”
Stalaro sniffed and held
up a hand. “Who knows? Anything’s possible. Sinning, oh the vice of humanity! I
think there’s plenty left that can change such do -gooders. But then again, the
chance that was given to them was the life they lived before. The reward is
this!” He spread out his arms. “According to God, there’s no undoing what is
done…or at least that’s the way it should be.”
“So then, why do you
want to help me if you don’t fully believe in my cause?” Caroline asked.
Stalaro turned around to
look at her. “Consider it an investment in ongoing knowledge for myself and
others.” He let out a small smile. “I want to watch the blessed of this world
struggle to give into temptation, only to repeatedly realize and raise themselves
toward the golden ladder of success!”
His eyes glowed blue.
“Right…” Caroline began.
“Yes indeed,” Stalaro
said, both of them walking off to the side. “I see you taking risks and who
better to keep you grounded than I.”
“Ah, so what’s the deal
with Mr. Frown over there?” Devil Grit asked.
“Wait, you’ve never
heard of him before?” Aggy asked, blushing. “You’ve been here longer than me!”
Devil shrugged his
shoulders.
“The Techno Angel, one
of the most complex beings Heaven as ever seen?”
“Eh, not big on certain
politics and the arts.”
Aggy sighed and leaned
in close to explain.
“Decades ago, Stalaro
manifested in Heaven, seemingly in one day. He began to catch the attention of
overlords who had kept to themselves for centuries. That kind of attraction and
magic power had never been harnessed by a mortal soul before. Then, he
broadcast his adventures all throughout heaven just so everyone could
experience some joy, tragedy and emotions. Do gooders starting calling him the
Techno Angel, (as unoriginal as that is). Many have speculated what
unimaginable force enabled him to rival our world’s most ancient and
constructive heroes. But one thing’s for sure: he’s an unpredictable source of
silliness, a depressed spirit of mystery and a loving being of order…or disorder,
the likes of which we can get involved in, especially if we want to end up
aroused!”
“You done?” Devil asked.
“He looks like a blueberry businessman. Or a shady con-man.”
“Well, I trust him
completely!”
“Do you blindly trust
any man? All men?”
Aggy skipped over to
Caroline. Stalaro examined a family portrait of Lucius, Lilian and a young
Caroline in the center. Young Caroline wore a white dress with a turquoise top
to it. Her hair was jet black, braided in black barbed wire, her cheeks had
teal blushes. Her mother had long black hair and wore a fancy white dress and a
round gold crown. Her father was dressed in a dress suit of white and blue,
with blue and black stripes in the center below a white bow tie. He wore a
large light gray top hat with a dove and a green apple on it. His cane also had
a green apple on the top. Both of them were smiling, showing rows of sharp
teeth, white wings folded behind them.
“Caroline, listen to me,
you can believe this dreamer. He isn’t just a sad face. He’s a miracle maker,
pure good! But… don’t count on him to believe in your cause. He could be
tainted and rebel, but we don’t know that. He could very well side with God and
your parents. And he’s most likely looking for a way to hinder everything we’re
trying to do if it means following God’s rules. But still, give him a chance.
He’s really sweet.”
“I…” Caroline began.
“…we don’t know that. Look, he’s a crying bitch, and he probably doesn’t want
to change.”
Aggy put her hands on
her friend’s shoulders.
“The whole point of your
hotel is to give people a chance! To have faith things will be better and
people can embrace their flaws! How can you turn someone away? You can’t. It
goes against everything you’re trying to do. Everything you believe in.”
Caroline looked
downcast. Her friend had a good point. She hated when people made good
arguments against her. But it also gave her a chance to consider her thoughts.
Aggy kept her grounded and added some cheer to her overall fake afterlife.
Caroline smiled at her.
“You take care of
yourself,” she said to Aggy.
“Caroline,” warned Aggy,
“Unless you are serious about responsibility, do not make a promise with him!”
Demons often made deals
with each other that often resulted in gaining power at the cost of one’s soul
or freedom. Usually the one who initiated the deal would gain advantage. A
demonic deal was bad in and of itself. Breaking an angelic promise could result
in rejection, eternal torture and damnation.
“Don’t worry,” said
Caroline. “I learned one thing from my dad.” She mimicked his low voice, “Ya
don’t break trust with other angels!”
Caroline marched over to
the Techno Angel.
“Ok…so Stal... You’re
prissy as fuck, and you clearly see what I’m trying to do here is a
too-dangerous risk. But I don’t.”
Glowing blue symbols
briefly appeared around a concerned Stalaro, then vanished.
Caroline continued. “I
think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be flawed. After all, it’s
in their nature and the sooner they realize it, the better. So, I’m taking your
offer to help. On the condition there be no lessons or lovey-dovey speeches
made.”
Stalaro twirled his cane
and held out his smallest finger from his right hand.
“So, it’s a promise,
then?”
The room was surrounded
by a pink aura as light spirits roamed around the walls. The wind blew against
Aggy’s and Devil’s faces.
“Nope!” Caroline yelled,
holding out her hands. The energy stopped. “No shaking, no promises! I…hmmm…”
She paused in thought.
“As Princess of Heaven
and heir to the throne, I hereby order that you help out with this hotel for as
long as you desire.”
A moment of pause…
“Sound fair?”
“Fair enough,” Stalaro
said with a slump of his shoulders and walked on. His cane vanished. Caroline
did a thumbs up.
Stalaro stopped and
spotted Aggy to the side.
Aggy went up and tickled
him under the chin, much to his dislike.
He pushed her arm gently
away. “Frown, my dear. You’d be too fully dressed if you were a man.”
He walked on, Aggy
perplexed at being rejected. “Why does he have to be gay?” she mused, sadly. “Liking
nude men…oh I could just swear right now…darn.”
“So…where is your hotel
staff?” Stalaro asked Caroline.
“Uh well,” Caroline
began. Stalaro peered at Aggy through his monocle below his left eye.
He stuttered. “You’re
going to n-need more than that.”
Stalaro walked over to
Devil Grit, who was sitting on a stool.
“And what can I do, my
business fellow?” asked Stalaro walking over to the dark furred spider,
blushing.
“You can suck a dick,”
Devil retorted in a grumpy tone.
“AH! Ok,” said Stalaro,
blushing and stepping back. “Can it be yours?”
“Fuck off,” Devil added,
pulling out a long knife from his belt.
Stalaro summoned his
cane. “Well this just won’t do. You want others to cause trouble, yes? I
suppose I can cash in a few favors to deaden things up!”
He snapped his fingers
and the wall beside the fireplace cracked. The circle went dark, the fire going
out. Ice cold water appeared to fill in the circle and a shadowy figure solely
formed inside. Stalaro walked over and removed the dripping figure from the
water. A large single purple eye was revealed.
Devil, Aggy and Caroline
peered at the creature. With a balloon deflating sound and a puff of white
smoke, the figure was revealed.
“This little sinner is
Klutzy!” Stalaro announced with a worried smile, dropping the figure.
A black-skinned short
cyclops female landed on her face on the floor. She stood up with a grumpy look
on her face. She wore a dark green skirt with a white stray cat off to the left
side. Her arms and legs were white and stick-shaped. Several blue dots stood
out from the lighter green color of her skirt. Her shirt was black with cyan
paint spots off to the right. Her large eye took up much of her face; it was
purple with a white pupil. Her sharp teeth were black. Her short hair was teal
with a dark blue spot off to the left.
“I’m Klutzy,” she
grumbled, clenching her fists. “It’s a waste of time to meet you fools. It’s
been a while since I made new rivals.”
Her pupil narrowed from side to side.
“Why are you all men?”
she asked. “Have any women here? Or video games? Screw this place.”
She briefly picked up
Caroline, then let go.
“Oh man, this place is
boring!” she exclaimed. She ran over to a vase and proceeded to knock it over
with her elbow. It shattered to pieces on the floor. She tossed couch cushions
aside.
“It really needs a more
manly touch, disorganized clutter’s more fun.” She grinned as she poured dirt
from a flower pot onto the rug.
“Yes, yes, yep, yeah!”
she yelled as she proceeded to break windows and knock down more stuff. Then
she plopped down on a couch once the room was messy. “I’m bored. Make me some
food or something.”
Aggy, Devil, and
Caroline looked on in worry, Stalaro just stared off into space.
A cat angel was working
on a Rubik’s cube with colleagues. His furry face was black, framed by white
fur. His little top hat was white with a blue band across it. A big teal bow
tie was under his neck, over his black furry chest framed by white fur. His
wings were a brilliant blue, with black and red mathematical symbols on either
side: the pi symbol, E = mc squared, signs for addition, subtraction,
multiplication and division, among others. More symbols were visible within his
two pointed ears. His teeth were sharp and purple and his long eyebrows were
teal. His eyes were purple and sclera white. The angel placed a Rubik’s cube in
front of him. “Ha!” he declared in triumph. Read ‘em and weep, boys!
Full…whoa…”
He felt himself being
transported in a flash of light to the hotel. Part of the science room that the
cat had been in was merged with the hotel lobby…posters of the elements, the
solar system and Biblical works of art.
“What in Heaven’s name
is going on?
Then he brightened when
he saw Stalaro. “You!”
“Ah, Core, my old
friend,” Stalaro sniffed, his head briefly looking like it was in between
antlers from a stuffed deer head on the wall. “You made it.”
“Glad to see you, you
son of the sun!” Core said. “I just completed my Rubik’s cube after just an
hour.”
The cube vanished as
Stalaro looked on.
Core raced over to
Stalaro and embraced him in a side hug. The deer-like man blushed. “So, what
can I help you with this time?”
Stalaro blinked
nervously. “C-Can we snuggle?”
Core laughed. “I mean,
seriously, why’d you bring me here?”
“My friend, I’m doing
some dirty work, so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services. If that’s
okay?”
“You must be joking,”
Core said, laughing nervously.
“I don’t think so,
motherfucker!” Stalaro replied.
“You thought it’d be a
great idea just to pull me out of nowhere? You think I’m some kind of tragic
boy?”
“Maybe,” Stalaro sighed,
as crying sounds came from his microphone.
“I ain’t doing no dirty
work.”
Stalaro appeared behind
him. “Well I figured you would be the perfect face to greet and critique the
guests at this fine establishment.”
He pointed his staff off
toward a stand with vegetable drinks as claps and boos sounded from his staff.
“With your grumpy cat
face and love of solitude…”
Core lifted up the
corners of Stalaro’s mouth with his paws. “Aw come on, Stal. Don’t forget to
smile once in a while!”
His mouth frowned once
he let go.
Stalaro walked over to
the stand. “Don’t worry, my friend. I can make this more interesting…if you
wish.”
He conjured up a bottle
of catnip with his finger.
Core stared with wide
happy eyes. “What, you think you can buy me with sad eyes and some cheap
catnip? Well, you can!” He purred and took the bottle with him.
Caroline, Devil, and
Aggy arrived.
“Yes, yes, yes!” Aggy
squealed. “Brilliant idea to have healthy drinks!”
“No!” Caroline
protested. “This is supposed to be a place that encourages sin! No some kind
of, frilly, Zen, child’s play…”
Devil rammed into
Caroline. “Shut up! Shut up! We are keeping this!” He pointed all his fingers
toward Core and the stand.
Core noticed Devil Grit
and slid up to him. “Hey cutie,” he flirted.
“Go screw yourself,”
muttered Devil Grit.
“Only if you watch me,”
Core joked. “Or more likely, Stalaro will watch you.”
Caroline leaned in close
to Core. “Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. You are going to go insane here!” She
grinned, her teeth sharp.
“I lost the ability to
go crazy years ago,” Core replied, sniffing the catnip.
Stalaro walked in, an
ever-present frown on his face. “S-so, what do you think?”
Caroline ran over to
him. “This is horrible!” she spat.
“It’s amazing!” Aggy
beamed.
Aggy leaned in close
between Caroline and Stalaro, embracing them in a hug.
“This is going to be
very disengaging,” Stalaro exclaimed. Dubstep sounds emitted from his mouth as
he stared around with worry. He stepped away from Aggy. “Caroline, I can’t lose
you. We can’t lose you.”
Stalaro changed his
light blue suit into a black funeral outfit. He did the same with Caroline,
Devil, Husk, Klutzy, and Aggy, who were all wearing black clothing from the
early 1900s. The room changed, the walls now covered with Voodoo symbols,
Christian crosses and deer antlers.
“Take it boys,” Stalaro
said. Light spirits appeared and played violins, a piano, and a flute in a sad
symphony.
Stalaro sang his reprise
to Caroline.
(“Stalaro’s lament Reprise”)
“You’re
on a mission
Your
innocence fell
And
it’s so dangerous but hey, I wish you well
Yes
your blunt protests
Will
send you straight to Hell
And
I can’t bear to see you banished, or your soul up to sell”
“Don’t
bring your afterlife to an end
No
matter what you say, I’m still your friend
We
all have our wounds to mend
And
you’re vulnerable feelings are real, don’t pretend”
“Inside
of every angel is love and emotion
They
have values and lasting devotion (devotion to God)
While
you recruit those around
Don’t
be swallowed by the ground
The
authorities can retrieve you tight and bound (no turning around)”
“Here
above the sky
Spread
your wings and fly
They’ll
spend a little time
Down
at this Haven Ho…”
An explosion rattled the
windows. Klutzy saw a door flying toward her face and she broke it in half with
a karate chop.
The room and everyone’s
clothing returned to normal.
Everyone looked outside
and saw a podium in the air, held up by flying metallic eggs. A familiar snake
debater appeared.
“Look who it is
harboring the striped annoying opponent! We meet again, Stalaro!”
“Do I know you?” Stalaro
asked.
Tears came to Senor’s
eyes. “Oh yes, you do! Watch this presentation!”
The eggs danced in the
air, singing a song about Senor trying his best to rule Heaven. He read from
notecards. “You all can’t compete with me. Your hotel sucks. I…shall…destroy
it…with… my…”
Stalaro giggled and
blushed.
Senor looked up from his
cards in anger. “Not like that, pervert!”
Stalaro snapped his
fingers. A portal appeared and white tentacles shot out, knocking the podium
off balance. The metal eggs knocked into Pentious Senor and he yelled, “Ow that
hurt! Show mercy!”
Stalaro used a drop of
his blood and the podium exploded in green smoke.
Senor emerged from the
crater, arm shaking, fangs shattered.
“Shoot me with your ray
gun,” said a metal egg beside him. Senor face-planted on the ground.
Stalaro looked on, sadly
while everyone else stared, stunned.
“Anyone hungry?” Stalaro
asked turning around. “Please don’t make me cook jambalaya. It’s way too spicy
and it nearly killed me! I much prefer tea and sugared strawberries, oh the way
they melt in my mouth… but anyway, you could say the kick brought me straight
into Heaven.”
Stalaro lead the way
back to the hotel, the group following him.
“Yes sir, new changes
are about to take place. Now…”
Stalaro waved his finger
at the lit up sign above the glass, gem-encrusted building on the roof.
The sign changed from
“Hazbin Hotel” to “Haven Hotel.”
“Stay tuned.” He
finished with low whimpers.
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