Hazbin Hotel: The Seven Deadly Episodes

“Episode 1: That’s Entertainment!”

(See Hazbin Hotel, That’s Entertainment!)

Charlie sings her lament “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows.” Followed by “Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow” followed by “Alastor’s Reprise.”

(See also “Helluva Boss”)

“Episode 2”

Part 1: Group eats Alastor’s Jambalaya and first customers arrive at the hotel. Vaggie works as a manager, Charlie and Alastor greet people at the door. Razzle and Dazzle and Niffty help with carrying bags to the rooms.

Charlie sings a happy song (“Things Can Go Well in Hell”)

Part 2: Sir Pentious goes to Baxter and gives him technology and money in exchange for making him stronger Egg Bois and repairing his ship.

Baxter sings (“Science and Solitude Serenade”)

Sir Pentious sings a victory/anticipation song as his new inventions are made (“I’m Sssso Evil!”)

Part 3: Vaggie gets mad when Niffty, Angel, Alastor and Husk mess things up. Husk drinks and gambles too much, calling her a bitch, Niffy brings the wrong food to the rooms and Alastor knocks her down on purpose. And Angel’s antics and pole dancing make her mad. Alastor assaults Vaggie, slaps her butt and gropes her. Vaggie becomes jealous when Alastor and Charlie dance and hang out. Vaggie loses it when Alastor does radio dad jokes on stage. Angel leaves to see his family and prepare for the next turf war.

(Vaggie sings a ranting song: “I’m Gonna Kill Them”)

Part 3: Valentino gets angry with Angel for not giving him money, resulting in a harsh “punishment” that was both arousing and deadly. Angel is further humiliated when Vox puts it on TV and Velvet shares it around social media. Henroin, his father, abuses Angel afterward, calling him a gay sissy druggie, while the white spider mother, Acknida, looks on.

Black furry brother Aracknis says to Angel and Molly they are slutty loser twins. Angel and Molly comfort each other and start the next turf war with Cherri vs Sir Pentious and Baxter, much to his gray furred father and older brother’s disgust.

Angel sings a lament/whimsical song about feeling stuck but trying to keep fighting and pursuing his ecstasy pleasures (“Fuck My Life…Dust Myself Off”)

The next battle is harder and Sir Pentious is almost victorious (“No Alastor to save you this time!”) Sir Pentious shoots a blast that destroys most of a city and lots of demons. Cherri tosses a bomb, causing the ship to crash toward the ground. (“My turf, you scrambled shit eggheads!”) She manages to blow up several other metallic egg bois before getting shot by Sir Pentious, knocked out. Molly and Angel scurry over to the base and blast Sir Pentious backwards, while making more sex jokes. The two of them manage to knock him out and declare West City theirs. Baxter heals Sir Pentious, stuns Angel and escapes via a smoke grenade, back to his lab.  Katie and Tom Trench share this on the news, Tom making dirty comments about Cherri and Molly. Molly watches in horror from behind a cliff as Vox and his demon minions drag an unconscious angel back to the studio (to be later brainwashed by Vox and Valentino.)

Part 4: In a dramatic twist, Lucifer enters the hotel to see what is going on. Lucifer notices Charlie trying to rehabilitate demons and shakes his head. He criticizes her for being involved with Vaggie and trying to “hinder (his) routine/family tradition of instilling fear and suffering.” Helsa and her green brother Adrian (Charlie’s ex) also arrive to further mock Charlie and assault her plans.  Adrian tries to get back with Charlie by scooping her up in his arms…but Vaggie points her spear at him and he lets her go. Charlie explains why she broke up with him and encouraged him to see the good in people. He just scoffs. “It’s me or nobody,” he said.

Charlie goes to talk with her parents in private. Lilith gets back from a concert performance and modeling shift.

The Magne Family sing a song called (“Royal Problems are Shit)”

(Charlie sings about wanting to redeem sinners, Lucifer sings about wanting to keep up his fear inducing reputation and Lilith sings about how busy she is and how she wants to spend more time with her family).

In private with her parents, Charlie argues against the exterminations but Lucifer said it was part of an agreement between him and God: reduce the population so Hell wouldn’t be a threat. In exchange, the angels wouldn’t harm the royal family. The problem is…Heaven is elite and only chooses those who truly redeemed themselves and embraced God. Lucifer thinks Charlie’s plan won’t work 1 because the ridiculous idea would make the family look like a weaker joke and 2 he secretly worries that if Charlie redeemed sinners, she would go to Heaven with them, thus leaving her parents and kingdom behind.

(Brief backstory about how Lucifer met Lilith and fell from Heaven. “Demons never get second chances, Charlie. They’re destined to suffer like I did. Unfortunately, redeeming sinners is only half the hard part. Getting them into Heaven would be near impossible if they didn’t match up to certain standards.” Charlie, in tears, is still willing to try.)

No one notices a shadow spirit overhear their conversation and pass the information back to Alastor. He lets out a low laugh and says “Stay tuned,” (roll credits). Extra scene of the egg bois shooting each other with Sir Pentious’ ray gun, the overlord chasing after them in anger.

“Episode 3”

Charlie wonders where Angel is. Molly races to the hotel and tells them the news. Charlie and Alastor and several other demons volunteer to sneak into Vox’s lair and rescue Angel. Vaggie is left behind, fuming, Charlie had said “Vaggie we need someone to help protect the hotel.” Vaggie said “You wanna rescue that pervert, fine, but don’t expect me to give you any advice on where to get spears.”

Charlie apologizes and says her advice would be helpful. Vaggie gets another one from the black market, keeping her own. She gives it to Charlie in secret, saying “hold onto it, don’t let anyone else have it. And be careful.”

Molly recruits a porn-loving teen rebel Hellhound, Crymini.

 

Charlie, Molly, Crymini, and Alastor and the group sneak into the studio. Vox has Angel hypnotized and orders him to attack. Vox then uses the time to brainwash the population with sex and propaganda on TV. Soon, everyone is hooked to the screens, giving Vox extra energy. Alastor encounters his rival and they both engage in a brutal fight over Hell. Alastor summons Niffty to fight Velvet and Husk to stop Valentino from violating Molly. Crymini fights off the minions of the three Vs.

Charlie briefly battles with Angel, his eyes red lines like Vox’s. She conjures up fire and notices the spear. She slices off a wire hooked to Angel’s head and breaks Vox’s possession by setting the spear tip on fire with her fingers, trapping Angel in a fiery pentagram, gently inserting it in the spot between his eyes, and chanting a Satanic cleansing ritual in French. (She learned that from Lucifer after he explained what could happen if she “took shit from other demons”).

Alastor and Vox are equally matched. Radio waves and TV screens clash throughout Hell. “TV killed the Radio Star begins to play, causing Alastor to start losing, even resulting in him being electrocuted in a tangle of cables. Niffty defeats Velvet with Molly’s help and a distraction from Cherri Bomb (escaping through the red smoke). Velvet gets up and brushes off the fire from her clothing.

Valentino, knocking Husk away says “Angel, baby, submit to me or I’ll kill you…or better yet, make you watch as I “mess” with your friends live on TV!” Angel’s eyes briefly turn into hearts…nearly under his control… “And you can say goodbye to your pathetic Happy Hotel!”

Husk offers to gamble against Valentino, the winner gets Angel. They gamble as the two overlords fight, outside. Husk wins but Valentino noticed him cheating. Before Valentino can unleash his full power, Vox and Alastor unintentionally ram into him as they fly through the wall and windows.

Lucifer, a flaming blue deer overlord, and a black spider overlord arrive to end the fight. Just before the fight ends, Alastor lands the victory blow, shattering a hole in Vox’s TV head and knocking him to the ground. Lucifer warns Vox and Alastor that he can send them into the void if they cause any more trouble. Both nod and separate. Vox goes back to the studio to get repaired and Valentino promptly fires Angel and takes his money. Now Angel suffers from withdrawal but Charlie helps him out. She reminds him of all the good things he has done…saving his friend’s lives, caring for his family, and working hard to stay clean.

Katie and Tom tell about the event on the news and their ratings go sky high.

Katie and Tom visit the hotel at the wrong time. Charlie sings a cheesy song to Angel, Alastor, Husk, Niffty and Vaggie and the other demons (“Redemption and Rainbows.”)

The other demons laugh and Alastor laughs and claps. Charlie is once again, humiliated on the news. Catie joyfully calls Charlie a failure, as her plan hadn’t worked yet, making Charlie mad and upset again.

Later Angel thanks Charlie for saving him and thanks Husk for saving his sister. Husk gradually warms up to everyone and even tells Alastor and the group about his time in the Vietnam War. It was revealed that Vaggie had told Charlie’s parents what was going on, (thus risking her life if she made a wrong impression to Lucifer) thus ending the battle and saving the area.

Many weeks later, Charlie excitedly announces that Angel, Vaggie, and maybe Husk are ready to go to Heaven.

In private, it is revealed that Husk and Niffty sold their souls to Alastor in hopes of easier lives. Niffty, under possession, steals Vaggie’s spear and gives it to him. For the first time ever, Alastor frowns and cries…because of several reasons. 1 he discovers that his mother is in Heaven and that (in his mind) he cannot be redeemed and he can’t go see her…he’s a lost cause, as Lucifer had told him. 2 If he continued on with his plan, it would hurt Charlie and put their friendship on the line. His shadow overtakes him and his grins again, saying “Stay tuned” and eating a severed demon head.

“Episode 4”

Charlie, Vaggie and the others sing karaoke and Angel Dust does some pole dancing (he makes Alastor try some moves much to his embarrassment.) Angel poses on a counter as a “tasty meal” while Alastor tries to “cook” him with a flamethrower. The new motto for the hotel made by Alastor “Come in and die… (Charlie quickly adds): “…of fun!”

Although Alastor had defeated Sir Pentious, made jambalaya for the group, encouraged Charlie along the way and helped in the battle against the three Vs, he also was up to no good. (The only one suspicious being Vaggie).

When Lucifer didn’t approve of Charlie’s idea, Alastor said Charlie’s idea was nonsense but then mentioned that he wanted to help her run it due to being bored. “Lucifer, you seem to be awfully hard on her a lot. Why so serious and strict?” Luicifer replied, “None of your fucking business, freak show. You don’t know what’s best for her. I told her not to trust any demons…especially the suspicious ones.” Alastor says with a (fake) pleading voice, “Please Lucifer sir, give Charlie a chance. I’m only here to help her out and protect the hotel.” Lucifer threatens to kill Alastor if he harms Charlie and Alastor knows not to mess with him…so he calculates his next move in his head.

He does other things as a trickster:

Alastor stirs an argument between Husk and a bunch of Hellhounds over who won a rigged card game.

Aastor broadcasts murders, Hazbin Hotel events and dad jokes for comedic effect.

He calls Niffty in to wake demons super early to rapidly clean their rooms and serve them (misplaced) breakfast meals.

Husk hordes the liquor and wine for himself and Alastor doesn’t say anything.

Alastor invites Mimzy and Rosie, his fellow music friends over for a show, even inviting Charlie to dance and sing “Your Never Fully Dressed” on stage with him. Vaggie glares in envy much Alastor’s amusement, though Charlie doesn’t notice.

To ignite Charlie’s anger and desire to see her goal to the end, Alastor causally suggests to the Eldriches to give the hotel a bad review and to harass “your familial rivals.”

Charlie meets up with her friends to go to her mother’s Resist concert. Later on, a family feud begins between the Magnes and Eldriches. It is revealed that the Eldriches had posted bad reviews about the hotel and that Katie Killjoy helped spread the rumors about the “Hazbins.” Charlie is about to fight them, but instead tolerates them and treats them as guests like the other demons coming to the hotel. It is here that Charlie matures and tries hard to see the good in everyone…but she also learns not to trust many demons (ironically trusting Alastor more as he helps out).

Alastor plans some more before he says “Stay tuned.”

“Episode 5”

Alastor’s plan slowly comes into being. He decides to stay behind 1 because he hasn’t been redeemed and 2 to heed to Lucifer’s concern about the dangerous archangels. (He still only cares for himself and isn’t in love with anyone.) Charlie and her friends reach the Heavenly Gates but are judged by the army of Archangels upon arrival. Only a few rich demons have access to Heaven and they turn into humans with wings or friendly bi pedal animals. The group barely escapes with their lives until Lucifer arrives and saves them…disintegrating the angels.

Charlie cries and tells everyone what happened. She reconciles with Vaggie but Lucifer interrupts them to take Charlie aside. He loses his patience and slaps her when she summons fire around her.

Charlie’s parents had been right about it being nearly impossible to get into Heaven but Charlie refused to give in. She argues that everyone deserves a chance and bursts into tears. Lucifer said “Maybe it’s for the best” to which Charlie replies “No it’s not!” Lucifer realizes that God and the Archangels are planning to arrive in several days. God and the angels think that if “redeemed” sinners entered Heaven, they could cause chaos and be spies for those in Hell. Heaven wouldn’t be able to use their effective fear tactics of killing demons once every year to reduce the population.

He believes that if Charlie hadn’t started all this, then maybe the mess wouldn’t have occurred. One of the angels appears to Lucifer and orders him to destroy the hotel in order to not encourage redemption from sinners who “deserve to suffer and stay in their place.” Lucifer complies (much to Lilith’s and Charlie’s protests) in order for the archangels to spare him and his family. (thankfully everyone is outside and the hotel is repaired later.) Charlie swears at her parents and runs away.

Charlie sings another lament (“Rainbows Fade Away”)

Outside, Alastor comforts Charlie after she’s upset that her plan failed. Charlie adds “I bet you’re happy that you finally got to see sinners fail.” Out of spite, Charlie steals her father’s apple staff and gives it to Alastor. Alastor takes Charlie into an empty radio studio. They kiss and share a song and dance. Charlie is assured that things will turn out right in the end.

Niffty captures Vaggie and Husk captures Angel while under Alastor’s spell. By the time Vaggie and Angel break free and get away, Charlie is nowhere to be seen. Niffty and Husk turn back to normal and apologize to them, explaining how they had made deals with Alastor in exchange for easier lives in Hell.

Alastor sings a jolly electro swing song called “Are you Ready?” (“Are you ready to change the world, dear?)

But then the song changes and Charlie soon realizes she’s in a trap. Alastor grins and holds up a knife…then it shows a brief flashback of a human Alastor murdering his victims in a forest. “Are You Ready” quickly turns darker. (“Are you ready to suffer and fail, my dear?”) Charlie finds herself surrounded by the shadow spirits. She tries to fight them off but Alastor lulls her to sleep and holds her prisoner in his interdimensional lair. When Alastor sees Charlie crying and saying “I trusted you!” he feels an odd feeling of guilt for his betrayal. He later holds her a spear-point in front of Lucifer and Lilith. Lucifer threatens to blast him to bits but Alastor offers to make a deal. The deal was: Charlie’s life and safety in exchange for the throne. Alastor orders both her parents to shake on it. Lilith does first and her dark power flows to Alastor. Lucifer engages in battle with Alastor but stops when a powerless Lilith is being choked by black tendrils.

Charlie rescues her mother and escorts her to a safe place. Alastor defeats Lucifer, takes his dark energy and soon takes over Hell.

God and the angels noticed Lucifer’s actions and would later send more Archangels down to cleanse one-fourth of the population, a larger number than before. The demons declare war. The overlords briefly work together to slow down the Archangels, Michael, Gabriel etc.

Alastor briefly enjoys slaughtering demons and angels to his heart’s content. (Alastor’s shadow had wanted this all along…for Alastor to release the dark shadow spirits and voodoo imps to consume the souls of demons and roam as they please. Alastor, the whole time, had let himself been manipulated by his shadow self.)

Alastor says “Stay tuned.”

“Episode 6”

Alastor later shows a change of heart when he notices Charlie and her friends struggling to fight the angels and overlords. He realizes that if he continues to be consumed by bloodlust and restlessness, than he will never see his mother and lose his only friendships with Charlie and her friends. He fights off his evil shadow and redeems himself…but his staff breaks, restoring power/souls to Niffty, Husk, and Charlie’s parents and making him powerless.

Charlie later frees Niffty and Husk and Alastor helped (once he fought off the evil influence of his wendigo shadow). Alastor defeats his shadow but his microphone staff breaks…leaving him powerless.

The final battle between Heaven and Hell. Lucifer and Lilith fight Michael and the other archangels. Lucifer has a change of heart and vows to help Charlie, once he realizes that sinners can be redeemed if the rules are changed. Those who die twice get sent to the void.

Alastor says “Stay tuned.”

“Episode 7: That’s a Wrap!”

In the end, Charlie and Vaggie go to Heaven and get married. Charlie becomes a mediator between the two worlds, having black angel wings and helping with redeeming sinners. Vaggie watches over people who get reincarnated back on Earth or helps them prepare for the void. Angel turns human-like and goes by Anthony, his human name, though he still enjoys Angel Dust. Vaggie discovers her human name; Vagatha and she turns into her Hispanic human self with dark wings. Husk discovers his human name: Hustle (for now) and turns cat-like with friendlier features. Alastor gets redeemed and turns into a light-blue suit wearing man with a light brown deer face, (with human hands) who reunites with his mother in Heaven after more than 100 years. Husk/Hustle finds new love in Heaven and Anthony/Angel, Molly, become role models to kids in Heaven. Lucifer and Lilith stay behind to rule Hell, their powers restored, but Charlie can visit both worlds. God agrees to let more people into Heaven after they proven themselves through various tests in the other Circles of Hell. The purges finally come to an end…a truce.

Alastor says with a laugh, “That’s All Folks…Or Is it?”

Note: This is if no one dies and everyone lives happily ever after. Who will actually survive, both in the show and in the unofficial episodes?

(Niffty was actually evil but that’s another story).

Charlie finishes with a final song (“At the End of the Rainbow”)

Bonus Backstory Episodes!

Angel (“Deviance, Drugs, and Determination”)

Alastor (“Murder On The Air”)

Husk (“The Game of Life”)

Vaggie (“Salvadorian Fighter”)

Niffty (“Hyperactive Romantic”)

Episode 1 (OST) (18 tracks)

“I’m Always Chasing Rainbows” (song)

“Spider Provider”

“Fifty Shades of Egg”

“Please Don’t Sing”

“Professional Bitch”

“Charlie’s Monologue”

“Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow” (song)

“We Have a Gay Spider”

“One Little Brawl”

“In the Arms of an Angel”

“Hey Mom”

“The World is a Stage”

“The Radio Demon”

“A Real Surreal Deal”

“This Little Darling is Niffty”

“This Little Darling is Husk”

“Alastor’s Reprise” (song)

“Sir Pentious Fucking Dies”

Episode 2 (UOST)

“Who Wants Some Jambalaya?”

“Things Can Go Well In Hell” (song)

“A Snake Returns”

“Evil Scientist”

“Science and Solitude” (song)

“I’m Ssso Evil!” (song)

“Life at the Hazbin Hotel”

“I’m Gonna Kill Them” (song)

“You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile” (song)

“Embrace Your Punishment”

“Familial Addicts”

“Sinister Spider Senses”

“Fuck My Life…Dust Myself Off” (song)

“Turf War Take Two”

“666 News”

“The King Arrives”

“Rich Eldritch Bitches”

“Royal Problems Are Shit” (song)

“Lucifer’s Fall”

“I Have To Try”

“Shadow Spies”

Episode 3 (UOST)

“Molly”

“Angel In Distress”

“Deadly Weapon”

“Crymini”

“Porn Studios”

“The Three Vs”

“Vile Victory Villains” (song)

“TV Time”

“A.I. Angel Attacks!”

“Washing the Brainwashing”

“Brawl of Two Overlords”

“Take a Gamble”

“Happy Valentino’s Day”

“Calvary of Kings”

“Lucifer’s Warning”

“There’s Good Inside You” (song)

“All News Is Bad News”

“Redemption and Rainbows” (song)

“More than a Husk”

“They’ll be Heaven-bound!”

“Two Unfortunate Souls”

“Conflicted”

“A World of Entertainment”

Episode 4 (UOST)

“Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel” (song)

“Hazbin Hotel”

“You’ll die of fun!”

“Clash of Authority”

“Hounds of Hell”

“Radios, Husk, and Angel Dust”

“Housekeeping!”

“I’ll Hold The Wine”

“You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile!” (song)

“Seeds of Doubt”

“What next?”

“Resist” (song by Lilith)

“Hell Band”

“A Real Killjoy”

“Rumor Has It”

“There’s Some Sunshine In Everyone”

“Foreshadowing in the Shadows”

Episode 5 (UOST)

“Strip For a Tip”

“Over The Rainbow” (song)

“Preparation For Paradise”

“No Sinners Allowed”

“Angels of Death”

“I…Failed?”

“Parental Problems”

“Everyone Deserves A Chance!”

“Broken Dream”

“Rainbows Fade Away” (song)

“Apple Of My Eye”

“You’re Not Going Anywhere”

“Appeal For Deals”

“Are you Ready?” (song)

“Creole Lullaby” (song)

“I Trusted You!”

“Do We Have A Deal?”

“Vengeance Is Best Served Burning”

“This Means War”

“Your Darkest Thoughts”

Episode 6 (UOST)

“Alastor’s Choice”

“Souls Are Freed”

“Part of Him Is Gone”

“Final Battle”

Episode 7 (UOST)

“At The End Of The Rainbow”

Hazbins vs Havens (2ps)

Vision 1: Stalaro and Angel Dust share porn, strip, and make out.

Vision 2: Alastor tells Devil Grit to smile and Devil says that he gives him the creeps. He fights with Alastor but Alastor wins. Caroline sees them and calls them sinners and idiots. She asks, “How does it feel to be free to do as you wish?” Alastor enjoys it but Devil warns of the dangers of too much freedom. Alastor doesn’t care for Caroline because she doesn’t smile but he does appreciate her rebellious spirit, thinks it’s entertaining. Both he and Caroline are asexual.

Vision 3: Charlie comforts a crying Stalaro, saying that he’s a good person. Core makes them cupcakes and gives both of them a hug. Aggy joins in.

Vision 4: Caroline tells Charlie that Heaven isn’t all that it seems and that imperfect people are destined to go to Hell. Charlie argues that people are not destined for suffering and they can go to Heaven. Both are impressed with each other’s respective realms: Charlie loves the peace and harmony of Heaven, Caroline loves the freedom and chaos in Hell.

Vision 5: Stalaro and Husk have a swearing contest while Core and Alastor dance along to music. Alastor later brainwashes/kills his counterpart.

Vision 6: Aggy falls in love with Angel Dust, Alastor, Stalaros, Devil Grit etc. Vaggie thinks she’s nuts and points her spear at her, frightening her.

Vision 7: Everyone except Vaggie and Alastor are sacred that Caroline can turn into an Archangel and kill sinners. Caroline is envious of Charlie’s demonic fire powers and transformation.

Vision 8: Klutzy and Husk drink, swear, and mess things up.

Vision 9: A battle begins between the Heavenly positives and Hellish negatives.

Positives: Charlie (Leader) Angel Dust, Niffty, Vaggie, Aggy, Stalaro, Core, Catie Carejoy, Pentious Senor

Negatives:  Alastor (Leader), Devil Grit, Klutzy, Caroline, Husk, Katie Killjoy, Sir Pentious

Vision 10: Vivziepop the goddess, arrives and kills all the 2p characters and erases the memories of her characters, causing them to forget about the 2ps. This results in the end of Haven Hotel and an entire alternate dimension.

Halusatwin drunk Lucifer stories, Creation of Angels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdDbbWkkHZo

“In the beginning, there was nothing. My father (God) was the only being in existence, floating around the void. He was bored and lonely. Because he had contempt for the blackness, he created me and my brethren, the nine Choirs of Angels. I (Lucifer) was created first. I was given powers. Then He created the other eight choirs after my clan. The Choirs go like this in rank order from top to bottom: Seraphim, Cherubim, Thrones, Dominions, Powers, Virtues, Principalities, Archangels, and Angels. Each angel rank had a different job, a different responsibility. I was responsible for the light. They called me the Light Bringer. Then I ended up with the nickname The Morning Star, which you call the sun.

The Archangels are basically like God’s army.

The Seraphim was my army.

Powers are kind of like lawyers.

Virtues control emotional stuff.

Principalities are about balance.

The Dominions are about the different regions of space.

The Thrones were the first.

Cherubims were weird.

But angels are like the general public, if you will.

If you’re a good girl or boy, you go to Heaven and become an angel. My brother Michael (“mix-ale”). The nine Choirs were to watch over our universe, to know things like planets and wildlife. God got bored of us, we were perfect. He created man. He gave you something he never gave the other angels: the power of creation. Then the angels had to look after humans. I thought it was tedious. Some angels would go down to Earth to mate with women, thus creating the Neaphim. They said “let’s go down and make relations with the ladies.” Obviously, that’s not allowed. So basically, this brings us to when I tried to I take over my father for the throne. Because I believed that such things were unfair. So I began my rebellion and most of the Archangels were my allies. Some of them opposed me and joined Michael, Gabriel, Raphael. Azrael though, was half and half. Not surprising being the chosen Angel of Death. “

Heavenuva Boss

2p Helluva Boss

Heaven was a marvelous paradise that sat proudly within fluffy white clouds. It was located on a white planet surrounded by a large halo like a planetary ring. It was located above Earth and Hell. The denizens of Heaven included God, His Archangels (Michael, Gabriel, Raphael etc.), Adina, Jesus Christ, Mary and many others. Lucifer used to live there until he was banished for disobeying God. Although Heaven seemed like perfection, the elite angels were ignorant to the suffering demons in Hell. To them, the demons were diseased foreigners who didn’t deserve to go to Heaven. Humans weren’t much better…they had to meet near impossible standards of the Seven Virtues to go to Heaven. The majority of humanity was flawed in their eyes, only destined for doom, death and destruction. White straight Christian men always got front row seats in terms of privilege.

 

Holy City was the main capital of Heaven. Shining buildings of gold, silver, marble and other materials glinted in the sunlight. At night, the sky was filled with bright stars and the glowing teal blue Christian Cross hovering over Holy City. The Exterminators would be busy training in a lower part of Heaven, separate from the rest of society like the military. The denizens of Heaven were both humanoid and had animal-like traits. They were often sheep, dogs, cats, doves, swans and other sacred animals (much like the bi-pedal individuals in Zoophobia). The lesser human/animal denizens had physical features of gems, harps, trumpets, chalices and other holy instruments.

 

 

Not too far away from Holy City lay a beautiful area within the clouds of Heaven. A floating white sign read “Welcome to Elf City: est. 1981.” The sky was blue and the buildings and streets immaculate. The elves were considered to be of a lower class, acting in service roles. Do-gooders (humans who died and went to Heaven) were above them, while the Heaven-Born Angels were considered the upper class.

 

Elves of various colors and sizes were chatting among themselves, while others walked around with their families. Many of them were hard at work, wrapping presents for Christmas, saving food to give to the homeless, cleaning a nearby park, and caring for the ill. Some of them liked to volunteer just for something to do. There were also miracle workers, whose job was to travel to different realms and bestow blessings to those on Earth or in other realms in Heaven. (In the Hazbin universe, they were the sheep cherubs). Hell was forbidden for obvious reasons. Some elves went around, saving people’s lives or healing their wounds once they prayed. Sometimes they even revived the recently dead on Earth (provided they be dead for less than a few hours.)

 

The most well-known miracle bestowing company was located in a tall white office building surrounded by golden halo clouds. The building was decorated with golden wing structures arching off to the sides. Posted on a door were the words “E.L.F. Headquarters” and on a taped piece of paper, “Meeting in progress” was scribbled on it.

 

On a white board was a line graph and a bar graph, the line slowly moving downwards from a blue happy face with a halo to a red sad face. “Docile loves you, by Docile” was written off to the side. A white Christian Cross was drawn in the center of the wooden table surrounded by black leather chairs.

 

Up front, a black, white, and blue colored elf paced back and forth. He had large pointed white ears that jutted off to the sides between the sides and top of his head. He had large purple eyes. The left side of his face was blue and the right side of his face was dark gray. He wore a long white business suit with blue buttons and purple circles on the sleeves with crosses in the centers. White boots with blue outlines covered his feet while white fingerless gloves covered his hands. A white hoof-shaped mark lay on his forehead like a birthmark. A little green pin attached to his undershirt had a happy face on it. A black halo with thorns on it hovered over his head.

 

The elf was Docile, a serious asexual individual.

 

Docile looked toward his audience of two elves and a humanoid cat sitting in chairs around the table.

 

“All right, now I know business has been…a bit stressful lately. We’ve had to keep up demands and during the rush, not everyone can be saved.” He pointed toward the graph. “It seems that more and more people aren’t counting on miracles from angels and God to help themselves feel better. I don’t know how our company will fare if this keeps sloping down. It’s no one’s fault, okay? I just think that some of us could…benefit from improving their confidence… like Timmid.”

 

Timmid briefly flinched in surprise as if to say “who, me?” The elf had a light blue face, purple eyes, and black hair framing his face. Black freckles were present under his eyes, and a black spiked halo hovered above his head. He wore a light blue bow tie and a white business suit similar to Docile’s. Timmid was calm and was the healing expert of E.L.F. Although he was easily frightened and timid, he took his job as a healer seriously.

 

Docile continued. “Now does anyone have any ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?”

 

The woman elf, Tirred had short white hair with a black flower spot on it and displayed a row of sharp white teeth. She wore white gloves and a white blouse over a long white skirt. Her eyelashes extended past her face. Like the others, she had a black wiry halo over her head. Tirred was often pessimistic and, well, tired, and was the negotiator between humans and elves. Tirred and Timmid were a couple, and were from the Fifth Ring of Heaven.

 

Tirred thought for a moment, “What…about…a billboard?” she said with a yawn.

 

“That’s a thought, Tirred, but there are advertisements everywhere in Heaven,” Docile mentioned. Then his eyes brightened and he waved his hands. “Oh. How about a car wash?”

 

Timmid spoke up. “This is Heaven, sir. Cars are already clean here.”

 

“Good point,” Docile said. “Any other ideas?”

 

“We can’t just stick to what we’ve been doing before?” Tirred asked. “Why not just prove those people wrong?”

 

“So helpful, Tirred, really glad you’re in the room right now,” Docile spoke fast, rolling his eyes. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?”

 

Docile turned on the TV and a series of clips showed up on screen: Docile bandaging an angel’s wings, Timmid helping a man walk, Sunna, the cat purring at a crying girl, Tirred saving someone using CPR.

 

Docile held a bowl of popcorn for everyone to eat. Sunna, the brown furred, black stripped cat, wore a white dress with a sun on it. She wore a gold cross necklace around her neck. She was purring contently while sniffing her last leaf of catnip she brought. A nearby poster showed Docile and his two elf sisters Mia and Tia with an award for being the best dancers.

 

“Ah, those were the good times,” Docile smiled.

 

Tirred ate a piece of popcorn on the table, lost in thought.

 

Timmid sighed. “Yes indeed. But Tirred seems upset about some of your mistakes.”

 

“Don’t need any reminding, sir,” Tirred grumbled, “considering you blew most of our salaries to help a rival pharmaceutical company with their advertisement, one that you additionally paid to have us hold their hands and sing for three whole weeks on a channel, everybody watches!”

 

“Hey, uh excuse me?” Docile looked back, insulted. He stood up. “What’s so “obnoxious” about generosity and a super fun song, alright? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spitting lies.” He walked across the room.

 

“People love musicals, sir,” added Timmid with a smile.

 

“Exactly, Timmid,” Docile smiled, “and we’re basically doing a musical.” Docile did jazz hands before turning to Tirred. “Are you gonna criticize my musical theater dreams like my dad did?”

 

“Sir…” Tirred began, but Docile cut her off.

 

“Because all I see right now is my Dad and his angry eyes glaring at me, criticizing my dreams of being, who I truly am inside.” He turned his head away.

 

Timmid leaned in toward his wife. “Please don’t make him angry, Tirred,” he begged.

 

“I’m just stating how it is,” Tirred replied, arms folded.

 

“I thought I knew you,” Timmid said, making a face at her. “No need to be a grumpy pants, dear.” Tirred rolled her eyes in response.

 

Docile turned back to Tirred, tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe you, Tirred. And after I made you Employee of the Month.” He held up a picture of Tirred with a large grin of sharp teeth.

 

Tirred threw up her hands. “Okay, sir! I’m sorry, but a commercial jingle and a cheesy song is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

 

“But…I liked it!” Timmid popped up.

 

Tirred turned to him, arms crossed. “Yeah, sure, take his side, why don’t you?”

 

In a commercial, Docile spoke in front of purple curtains. “Hi I’m Docile, the “e” is silent and I’m the founder of E.L.F.”  Docile leaned against the L in the logo, with Timmid and Tirred posing on either side.  The E.L.F. appeared over his hand. Docile continued, “Are you a piece of gold that got yourself sent to Heaven?” The picture showed Docile dressed in a superhero outfit with a red cape. “Or are you a conflicted convict who just happened to have your life cut short by someone else?” The next picture showed Docile dressed in a red devil costume choosing whether or not to quit smoking and drugs.

 

A nearby sign read the angel’s name that hired E.L.F. A blue winged angel with a tiger’s head spoke with a 333 News billboard in the background, “After defending myself against my psycho brother and preaching about God, you could imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the coronavirus killed me. I really wish I could help my sick sister and advise my family to kick my brother out.”

 

Docile continued, standing in a church with Timmid and Tirred in white robes nearby.

 

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world, we can help you take care of your unfinished business by saving anyone who may have helped you out when you were alive!” Docile happily climbed up a flight of golden steps.

 

Then the jingle began:

 

“When you want somebody saved

And you wanna go behave

Call the Efficient Lifesaving Fellows

 First Aid or CPR

We’ll make sure you all go far

Efficient Lifesaving Fellows

We do our job so fine

‘Cause we come straight from Cloud Nine

We’ll save your husband or your wife

We’ll even help extend your life

The Efficient Lifesaving Fellows

 

Pets live for freeeeee”

 

Various clips showed E.L.F. and flying sheep cherubs saving people: lifting a boulder from a human, reviving a human after a car accident, passing out Bibles and food to the homeless, giving money to a school in Africa, humans and angels dancing in a circle…

 

A brown haired woman stole a guy’s wallet and kicked him in the groin. She ran off and then got shot by police. Yet she only went unconscious. The doctors took her to the emergency room while the elves waited. A doctor walked in on the elves in the waiting room.

 

“She’s in stable condition, but she’ll need rest and an arrest warrant. Now what kind of insurance do you freaks have?”

 

“God’s chosen don’t need insurance,” Docile said.

 

The elves and the woman were promptly kicked out of the hospital and sent back to Heaven.

 

 The jingle ended with “Pets live for freeee!” At the bottom it read: “This company is not to be confused with C.H.E.R.U.B. in the parallel dimension next door. Although nobody really knows about E.L.F. it was founded way before C.H.E.R.U.B. in question. Mary had some little lambs and overstayed her welcome.”

 

Tirred spoke up, hands in front of her. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident was Sunna’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give the right info on the client. It’s very simple.”

 

“I’m sorry, Tirred, I did the best I could,” Sunna said, unfazed.

 

Tirred fumed. “’Sorry’ doesn’t cover it…do your job!”

 

“Hey, now we don’t blame screw-ups on Sunna, okay?” Docile said. “She didn’t do anything wrong.” Sunna happily walked over and embraced Docile in a tight hug, Docile straining to break free.

 

“Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful!”

 

Sunna thought back to the time when she was a receptionist at a desk. The old rotary phone rang, sounding like cats meowing. She picked up the fish-shaped phone.

 

“Thank you for calling E.L.F. How may we bless you?” Sunna asked, smiling.

 

Tirred was on the other end. “There’s a customer ranting about Satan. He wants to commit suicide…”

 

“Tell him that suicide will not make things better.”

 

“He wants to rant and curse you, it will be the end of our company for sure! We’re all doomed if we don’t enforce harsh discipline on that scum of a…”

 

“Just got a call on the other line, apologies, worry wart.” Sunna trilled, hanging up the phone. She read her Fancy Feast Feline magazine.

 

 

Another memory came back to Sunna, which took place at her house.

 

“Happy Adoption Anniversary, Sunny,” said Docile. “I got a little something for you.” He showed her a gift in his hands.

 

Sunna smiled. “Is it a cure for Covid?”

 

“I…uh…”

 

“Then I want it!” she exclaimed happily, tearing open the gift and dropping it on the floor. A flock of white butterflies flew around the room and landed all over her.

 

“I’m sorry, it was butterflies!” Docile looked on in concern. But Sunna happily batted and played with them, her mouth open in a grin.  “God bless you…”

 

 

There was one other time when Sunna watched Princess Caroline singing/screaming “Inside of Every Angel is a Monster.” She was in her full Angel form, with black feathery wings and a black halo. Tirred walked over, holding a piece of paper in her hands that read “Lux 4 U.”

 

“Excuse me um, did you just fax me an ad for beauty makeovers?”

 

“Yes,” Sunna replied.

 

“Is it because I’m so gorgeous? Better than all the sad people here?” Tirred asked with a grin.

 

“Come on,” Sunna teased. “Just the opposite.”

 

Later, Sunna rummaged around, looking for something in the kitchen.

 

“Who left this tuna salad in the fridge?”

 

“Wasn’t me,” said Timmid. “It was there from yesterday.”

 

“Is this yours, Tirred?”

 

No answer.

 

“Well, I’m taking it because I have the best feeling right now.”

 

She closed the door and gulped down the food.

 

“Now why would you get hyper on a work day?” Timmid asked, nearby.

 

“I’m happy from this morning, Timmy Tim,” she giggled.

 

Tirred walked inside, hand son her hips. “Is that my lunch? You stole it, you crazy cat!”

 

“I’m so sorry!” Sunna said, then brightened. “You know what? I’ll just go get you another one before work! Time to enjoy my tenth life!”

 

Sunna raced outside with a “Wheeee!” and helped an elderly elf cross the street.

 

“Docile!” Sunna called in the office, “Your privileged boss’s on the phone. Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you. Sounds a little DTP y.” (Down to Punish)

 

“Oh Lord that was one time!” Docile yelled, splashing water on himself in front of Tirred. “We wouldn’t have access to the living world if I hadn’t let myself get punished by that privileged jerk face.”

 

“You what?” Tirred asked, concerned.

 

“I stole a Bible after getting whipped for the sins I did. Figured I had nothing else to lose.”

 

“Docile!” Sunna cried.

 

“I heard you already!” Docile yelled before stomping into his office to play with bobble heads of himself, Timmid and Tirred.

 

“So, what can I do you for, Samael?” Docile asked on his cell phone in his office. Inside his office were circus posters and advertisements for church gatherings and “Docile in Choir of Light: one time only!”

 

The Angel of Divine Retribution lounged in his palace on a golden sofa. He was dressed in a royal red robe, had white skin and golden short hair. His eyes were golden. On the walls were pictures of him wielding a flaming sword and casting demons into fiery lakes below. Several medals of honor were attached to his clothing. His wings were fiery colors, starting with red orange at the top going to a white-blue at the feathery tips.

 

Samael was a companion to Azrael, the dark-haired Angel of Death. Samael and Azrael were generals to the Exterminators/Exorcists who killed demons once every year in Hell. The founders of the Exterminators were God and the merciless Zoophobia angel Adina.

 

 “There’s a politician who’s causing lots of trouble on Earth for a few of my associates. He wants to convince people that the coronavirus isn’t dangerous.”

 

“Isn’t it?” Docile asked.

 

“Well, it is, but more people die when no extra precautions are taken. And it gets crowded here.” Samael sighed, his hand on his chin.

 

“Well that makes sense.”

 

“You know what happens when I’m stressed, Docy?”

 

“Oh lord no…” Docile began, flinched away from his phone.

 

“When I’m stressed, I become angry. And when I become angry, I have to whip your back and **** strike your **** with a flaming sword, cast you into a windy dessert, freeze you into ice in the lowest level, make you swim in the lake of fire for 1 million ******hours, hang you on a wooden cross for sins you didn’t commit and leave you begging for His mercy ******* like an imperfect mortal!”

 

Docile hung up the phone, with a look of fear and tossed the pieces to Sunna. “Here play with these.”

 

Sunna patted the pieces with her paws in fascination. 

 

 “And you know after you put them in your mouth?”

 

“Yeah?” she asked, eating them.

 

“Vomit it off a bridge.”

 

Back at the meeting, Docile continued, “Look, the point is, Sunna is a valued member of our family and we don’t get rid of families.”

 

“We aren’t a family, sir,” Tirred pointed out. “You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat her like she’s some hyperactive teenager. She’s more like a catnip addicted spoiled woman you let man the phones.”

 

Sunna hissed at her.

 

“That is offensive,” Docile said. “Without spoiled people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life.” Docile opened the blinds and saw an angel dressed in a golden suit getting his picture taken by a crowd of people. Docile waved at a lovely white-haired blue-faced elf woman wearing a white dress with little white feathery wings on them before closing the blinds.

 

Tirred crossed her arms. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding Timmid and me outside of work?”

 

“Come on, it’s not that big a deal,” Timmid said.

 

Tirred’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me…what?!”

 

Tirred remembered cooking at their house.

 

“Hey Tim, could you grab me some lemons?”

 

“Sure, sweetie,” Timmid said, grabbing a few lemons and heading to the table.

 

Docile suddenly appeared from the ceiling, landing gracefully in front of him. “When life gives you lemons…”

 

He squashed a lemon, letting the juice fall into a glass. “…the best aide is lemonade.”

 

Timmid giggled.

 

“What’s so funny, Tim?” Tirred asked.

 

“The impressive wordplay,” Docile said, serving angel’s food cake on the table.

 

“What the…Where did you even come from?!” Tirred asked Docile.

 

In their bedroom in their luxury apartment (a sing above read, “Need a heaven-cat?”) Tirred was woken up by Docile praying for good luck for her.

 

“What’re you dreaming about?” he asked.

 

Tirred moaned, “I was dreaming of me disciplining my coworkers and...I’d like to get back to that.”

 

 

Timmid and Tirred remembered the song they sang, while Timmid played on an angelic guitar shaped like a swan:

 

“Of all the perfect elves,

It’s with him, I’m myself

Oh Timmid.”

 

They leaned in for a kiss when Tirred whirled around toward the window. Docile had a video camera outside.

 

“Are you bucking filming us right now?!”

 

Back in the present, Tirred seethed. “Just. Stop. Doing that.”

 

“I don’t see what the issue is,” Docile said. “Just love good classic romance, holy matrimony…and the honeymoon bonus scenes.”

 

Sunna rolled her eyes, while Tirred fumed.

 

“Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!” Tirred stood up.

 

“Calm down, Tir,” Timmid said, pulling her back down. “You’re gonna have another panic attack.”

 

“I am calm!” Tirred yelled before Timmid patted her head. “Shh there, there,” she said, while Tirred whimpered.

 

Docile spoke again. “Look I don’t judge what you do outside of working hours, so don’t judge me.”

 

Veins popped out of Tirred’s eyes. “Oh I do judge you, sir. Quite a lot, actually.”

 

She crossed her arms while Timmid gasped in fear.

 

“Tir, he’s our boss!”

 

“No, it’s fine, Timmid,” Docile mentioned. “Your wife is just…how do I say this without being offensive…bossy.”

 

“Does overly criticizing me make you feel better about your sad single life?” Tirred asked.

 

“Not really, but it’s still fun,” Docile admitted.

 

Sunna added to Tirred, “Even though you can be a grump sometimes, I still appreciate your company.”

 

“Please don’t call her a grump, kitty cat!” Timmid protested. “You know I don’t like her when she gets mad…”

 

“Please do not criticize my assistant that way,” Docile said. “She’s sensitive.”

 

“Yes I am,” meowed Sunna.

 

 “You guys are all freaking weird!”

 

Everyone turned to look. A pale spirit of a brown-haired teen girl floated nearby, wearing a prisoner uniform.

 

“Oh, uh…thank you, kid,” said Docile. “It’s something for you to witness this.”

 

“Ugh, this company’s such a mess,” Tirred exclaimed. “All that paperwork is bad enough without you guys being a pain in my…”

 

“Alright, let’s get back to talking about our friendship!” Docile said out of nowhere.

 

“Nobody was talking about that,” Sunna mentioned.

 

“Which is why I’m trying to get that ball rolling, so, I think we’re off to a great start, right?”

 

The spirit pointed her finger at Docile, “It was heaven being able to rest after being shot by police for mugging a guy, but now…I miss my family. I want life!”

 

“You,” she said pointing to Docile, “I don’t know who you are but you look like one of Santa’s helpers, if Santa were God. No offence.”

 

Docile smiled. “None taken, miss.”

 

The spirit added to Tirred, “I see you’re a pretty woman. If I were to feel comfortable, I’d look you in the eye and ask, “How in the world did I get here?” so…how in the world did I get here?”

 

“You died,” she deadpanned. The spirit looked taken aback.

 

“That’s my wife you’re talking to,” Timmid said, apologetic.

 

 

“Oh? She’s your wife?” the spirit chuckled. “I figured you for an athlete but I didn’t know you’d get even luckier. And you.” She pointed at Sunna.

 

“Yeah what about me?” Sunna asked.

 

“You’re just purrfect. I was never a dog person.”

 

Sunna purred.

 

“Wow you really are a nice slab of diamonds,” Docile said.

 

Tirred rolled her eyes. “Such a flirt trying to make herself innocent.”

 

Sunna spoke up. “Hey guys, I just got a text from our client, says she’s the right one to revive after all.”

 

“Who?” Docile asked.

 

“Her.”

 

“Me?” asked the spirit.

 

“Yep.”

 

“They wanted us to save an actual convict?” Docile asked.

 

“That’s what they’re saying.”

 

Docile frowned. “Well Satan in a heater, I guess there is a Devil.” He waved his hands, supplying oxygen to her and she woke up back on Earth in the hospital.

 

Docile spoke about E.L.F.: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like saving people. So from us here at the Efficient Lifesaving Fellows group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is…gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Heaven and business is business.”

 

Everyone wrapped Docile in a hug, while he rolled his eyes. Then he said, “Even though the kid was a target for revival, she’s still a convict. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward, respectfully.” Everyone smiled in the hug.

 

Back on Earth, the woman convict recovered and tried to escape. But the elves threw down pillows at her, distracting her as police closed in. She was soon cornered by the police and sent to a juvenile detention center. The police looked up at the elves through a portal.

 

“You’re welcome!” Docile called with a wave before the portal closed.