art by thatsaltybobcat on Twitter
“Many
of ya mortals probably never heard of me. But those practicin’ Voodoo and
Hoodoo will surely know mah name. Ah am Met Kalfu, dark Loa of da crossroads
and twin brother of Papa Legba. Those in New Orleans call me Mait’ Carrefour. While
Papa Legba controls spirits of light, Ah control spirits of darkness. Both of
us are da bridges between da human world and da spirit world, da world were da
creator God Bon Dieu resides. You’ll be aware of mah presence if ya ever see a
muscular handsome dark skinned man wearing a red tailcoat, pants and top hat
decorated with feathers and skulls. Sometimes Ah keep mah dark hair short,
other times it’s in dreadlocks. Ah carry a cane with a bull skull on it and protrudin’
from my head are two bull horns that can emit harmless flames. The bull is mah
sacred animal, mah colors are red and black and mah favorite drink is rum mixed
with gunpowder. Curious about mah brother? Just look for an elderly dark man in
a straw hat and farming clothes surrounded by dogs and you’ll know it’s him. He
is always called on first and last at every ceremony. Full of wisdom yet so
pathetic.”
“A
lot of ya may be wondering, am Ah evil? Ah don’t like ta think Ah am. Ah’m
merely a tricksta who loves to bring trouble and misfortune onto others. More
often than not, it’s ta teach them some kind of harsh lesson. Ah’ll admit, Ah
do enjoy acting all mighty and scary…seeing da scared looks on people’s faces
is always priceless. Papa Legba can invite da Rada while Ah invite the Petro. Both
nations of Loa are necessary ta keep things in balance. Of course there is also
da Ghede Loa family who work with da dead, Congo Loa and many other kinds. Our names
and portrayals vary by da cultures of people who revere us.”
“Now
then…onto da matter of dis popular Alastor fellow…”
“Long
ago in New Orleans, a mortal woman by da name of Loretta Cajun invoked Papa
Legba and requested dat he save her unborn baby. Da other Rada couldn’t do it,
not even Baron Samedi, Loa of da dead. So in her desperation, she begged him to
call me over. Papa Legba warned me not ta do anythin’ troublesome, but of
course, Ah never listen to him.”
“Ah
could’ve done anything ta bring misfortune…made her son handicapped, make them
lose money, have her husband become homeless… da list goes on. Instead, Ah had
a betta idea. Raising mah finger, Ah transferred a fraction of mah power onto
her newborn son. It explained how fast Alastor learned how ta do magic…and also
explained his tendency for fire conjuration, destruction, and murder. Mah power
combined with da abuse he had ta deal with, obviously sent him down a dark
path. Alastor’s grandmother figured out da cost Loretta had ta pay, dealin’
with an emerging serial killer for a son.”
“Decades
after dat, a grieving Alastor requested to see Papa Legba and mah-self. He
noticed dat he was growing hungry for murder and human flesh. In addition, he
wanted what many mortals want: power, money, and appreciation for his talents. Now
Ah’ve been makin’ deals and helping humans since forever. Ah can make events
happen directly, but there’s always a cost involved, whether short term or long
term. Both of us shared an interest in power and entertainment…kindred spirits
as it were.”
“Then
Ah thought, why should Alastor’s powers stop when he leaves da mortal realm? Just
how far can a mortal go, granted with Eldritch powers from a God? Ah then
offered something da young man wouldn’t and couldn’t refuse, more power in da
afterlife. Enough of mah power to enable him to take over areas of Hell and
topple Overlords. His power is evident by da hoverin’ red Voodoo symbols of
different Loas and Zodiac signs. As they said in Hell, “No amount of raw power
has ever been seen in a mortal soul before.” Now ya know why.”
“Ah
then decided to have some extra fun, so Ah brought in some shadow demons and
voodoo imps, minions dat Alastor would later control in Hell. Ah accidentally
summoned a Greek Alastor, Dr. Facilier, and a Zoophobia Alastor before da right
one finally entered. The next moments were so enjoyable that Ah just had to
film them. Human Alastor had bonded with his future demon self right away,
dancin’ together, even going as far as kissin’. Weird, Ah know, but so
entertainin’.”
“Alastor’s
demon self then possessed Alastor’s body and mind, making da human dance around
like a puppet on strings. I knew Alastor had issues of self-control, but Ah
didn’t know it’d be dat bad! (laughs).”
“Anyway,
demon Alastor was like, “Won’t ya shake a poor sinner’s hand?” and of course,
human Alastor accepted. Thus, he had embraced his dark side and da deal was
forged. The two of them sang “Friends on da Other Side,” (something that da
snake demon Dr. Facilier wasn’t too happy about. He was one of Alastor’s slaves
after all.) After da song ended, Papa
Legba erased human Alastor’s memories of meeting his future self and all dat
happened durin’ the ritual. Ah did the same with demon Alastor so time and
space could be in order. Papa Legba was so mad, that he sent everyone right
back to their dimensions, including me. Ah just laughed.”
“So
human Alastor became a serial killer and a beloved radio host up until the
Great Depression. He had fallen from grace and resorted ta eatin’ anyone ta
survive. He was brutally killed in nineteen thirty three by first, a rabid dog
bite, then by a hunter’s bullet to his head and finally, mauled by police dogs
at da same moment. The early death he had to endure in order for his glorious
demonic transformation ta take place.”
“So
Alastor broadcast his killin’s and victories in Hell for many years. Then, he
had arrived at dis unique hotel led by Hell’s princess, Charlotte or Charlie. Dis
hotel supposedly helps demons redeem themselves so they can go ta Heaven. What a ridiculous notion! Charlie did dis so
the Exterminators sent from Heaven wouldn’t be able ta kill as many demons
every year. Only time will determine if her little project works or not.”
“Alastor
offered ao help out with Charlie’s project so he fixed up da place, brought in
his pals Husk and Niffty, and even defended da hotel against Sir Pentious. At first
glance, it appears he will stay with Vaggie, Angel Dust, Charlie and da gang for
a long time.”
“But
Ah know Alastor all too well. (laughs). The dances and polite demeanor of his,
even bein’ affectionate with Charlie is all an act. It’s his way of keepin’
people off guard. He waits until just da right moment before pouncin’ on his
prey. Mark mah words, he will betray Charlie and da Hazbin Hotel, and it will
be unexpected (at least by Charlie, Angel, and several others).
“Sure
Alastor might defend da hotel against Vox, Valentino and Velvet…preserve its
good reputation from da likes of Katie Killjoy, Helsa, and Seviathan. He might
even support Charlie when she’s confronted by her father, the king of Hell…”
“But
as soon as da Radio Demon sees an opportunity to rise above da ranks, he won’t
hesitate ta take it, even if it means hurtin’ those around him. Ah know what he
truly desires: da throne. A way to show da sinners and da world dat he is da
star of da show, and everyone else merely his players, his pawns.”
“Oh
yes, that also means he’ll come up with a way ta bring down his opponents and
especially da Magne family…maybe even kill them. Yes, even Charlie…when she’s
no use ta him anymore, she’ll end up dead and he’ll enjoy a satisfying meal out
of her.”
“If
Alastor does manage to achieve his goal of being da only ruler of Hell, he’ll
terrorize all da Circles and Rings and districts with his shadow demons and
imps. His own shadow will be his general. Pentagram City will be renamed “New
Horrorleans,” quite fitting. He’ll probably possess any demons dat are left and
use them to invade Heaven and Earth. But let me tell ya…those Exterminators and
Angels are a tough bunch. It will be hard ta defeat them, especially if da
Christian God is around. Just one good strike from an angelic weapon can kill a
demon instantly.”
“Yes, we Loa know what happens ta mortals and
what they’re like. Both in da human world and in da afterlife realms.”
“Just
when Alastor is at his peak of power, Ah’ll appear to him with congratulations.
Being self-centered, Alastor will ask me ta give him even more power, but Ah’ll
refuse. Ah’ll remind him of da deal we had made. He’ll try and fight me but he’ll
be outmatched. Ah’ll possess him and finish things off from there.”
“Oh,
ya figured it out? Yes, yes. It was mah plan all along, use a powerful mortal
as a weapon against sinners and opponents. To tell ya da truth, da Christian God
would do somethin’ similar, in fact, he allowed dis ta happen…he and da angels
want sinners ta suffer in fear and know their place, not just once a year, but
every year. Alastor is His executioner, and mah weapon. Lucifer’s ideal paradise
for sinners wasn’t going ta last forever. It’ll be quite da social experiment.”
“Both
Satan and myself have a grudge against Heaven, God and da angels. They are
elitist perfectionists who treat demons and humans as inferior pieces of
garbage. Racism, sexism, and hierarchies exist in every realm. Alastor knows
dis…he had first-hand experience when he was alive. Charlie’s going to learn a
harsh lesson about what Heaven and Hell are really like soon enough…if her plan
works, dat is.”
“Satan
will try and free himself from da ice in da Ninth Ring…and if he does, he’ll
cause chaos and fight Lucifer, his other self. Satan has a grudge against God
and Lucifer, Ah have a grudge for…well…lots of people. Angels, God, Rada,
humanity, disrespectful demons, and mah brother of course. Ah only do what’s
best for mah own interests and da interests of other Petro.”
“Alastor
will eventually be at mah mercy…oh Ah do hope this happens. Ah’ll get the rest
of mah powers back from him, and he’ll pay his end of da bargain, willfully or
not. He’ll make pathetic “that’s bullshit coming from ya!” jokes but those won’t
work on me. It’s useless using mah own magic against me. When Ah’m done with
him, he’ll get to experience what it’s like getting tied up in tentacles,
bitten and skinned alive by mah hand. Da killer gets killed, da cannibal gets
eaten…(laughs). His mother would be so disappointed in him…the smiling sinner,
reduced to a bloody sobbing, delicious mess. Hahahahahahaha!”
“Once
Heaven and Hell are accounted for, Ah’ll finally be able to outshine mah twin
brother. We Loa are immortal, so Ah can’t kill him or any of da others. That
means he’ll have all of eternity to mope in mah shadow as Ah demonstrate mah
power and leadership. From then on, Ah’ll be da one and only Loa of da
Crossroads, da one everyone turns to first. Even the suave, crude Baron Samedi
will mind his manners in mah presence.”
“But
let’s say Alastor does manage ta redeem himself. He kisses Charlie, protects
his friends and da hotel, and Charlie manages to redeem her friends and other
demons. Her father slowly accepts her plan after a negotiation with God and da
angels. Rosie, Vox, Sir Pentious, Valentino, Velvet, Sevia, Katie, Helsa…they’re
all defeated and families are reunited after so long.”
“At
some point, Alastor, Angel Dust and da others will get ta go ta Heaven. If that’s
da case, then Alastor won’t need his dark magic anymore. That’ll be when Ah
come in, remindin’ Alastor of his deal he made with me. Ah’ll take away his
voodoo magic dat he held so dear…(Ah mean, taking away Facilier’s was very easy.)
Then Ah’ll proceed ta take samples of Alastor’s blood and da blood of all his
friends, placin’ da blood in indestructible vials. Blood is very powerful stuff;
it can be used in rituals, bind people ta agreements, cause good luck or bad
luck to certain people or associations… they’ll barely notice a thing. Ah’ll then
take my leave and use it for…other proposes. Hmm.”
“No
matter what happens, Alastor will owe me somethin’…and Ah have all of eternity
ta see him again. We shall see what happens next in da inferno. As Alastor
always says at da end, “stay tuned.”
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