HAZBINUVA BOSS

A meeting was in progress at the Hazbin Hotel. Five demons were seated around a large wooden rectangular table near where the bar was.  The window and door that Sir Pentious’ machine had blown up were now repaired thanks to Alastor. (The door now had an elaborate skull with antlers hanging above the door frame.) The group sat in high-backed leather chairs with spikes on the rims. A pentagram was in the center of the table, drawn in white. Charlie, the blonde haired princess was standing up and writing words down on a whiteboard. Vaggie sat in a chair close by, glaring at everyone else with her gray hands clasped together on the table. Angel had his long legs propped up on the table off to the right. Alastor sat in-between Husk and Niffty. Husk moved further away from them and then stopped when Angel inched closer with his chair. In front of everyone were bowls of fresh Jambalaya, almost finished.

“Thank you so much for making your meal for us,” Charlie said with a smile, turning from the board.

“Anytime, dear!” Alastor replied. “I had used up a lot of my magic and I figured all of us would be hungry. Figured it’d be a great way to celebrate the start of your Haz…Happy Hotel!”

“Wow Al!” Angel exclaimed. “That was some delicious grub!”

Everyone nodded and hummed in agreement. Even Vaggie had to admit it was delicious.

“Thank you,” Alastor said with a smile. “It’s my mother’s special recipe…I even put in gunpowder for an explosive effect!” He laughed. “That was what almost killed her. She had too much Southern Comfort and decided to pour gunpowder while the jambalaya was in the pan…it blew up in her face! I tried it and the kick was straight outta Hell!”

“Oh my,” Niffty said with a brief gasp. “You really should be more careful next time. It could leave a big mess.”

“I try my hardest, dear,” he said to Niffty, which caused the small cyclops demon to blush.

Alastor continued. “Did you know that hunters in Louisiana would often add game meat to their dishes? Deer, duck, and other animals they hunted. I did it all the time. Venison was my favorite…but human flesh gave it that extra flavor that was simply divine!”

Vaggie, Angel, and Charlie made disgusted faces. “Can we please not bring that up?” Charlie asked, coming to sit down.

“But I just did,” he replied nonchalantly.

Vaggie stared hard at her bowl, eye twitching, fearful of finding any part that may have looked vaguely human. Niffty had licked her bowl clean…literally. Husk was busy drinking another bottle of booze.

“What the flying, fuck, Alastor?!” Angel stated. “I love your looks and all, but try and tone down on the cannibalism.”

Alastor leaned in slightly closer to Angel. “I read somewhere that some people on Earth consume insects in their diet. Including spiders.”

Angel’s eyes widened in fear, but soon, his pink pupils dilated. “You would…try and eat me?” he asked with a grin, pink gloved hand moving just a hair toward his dick.

Alastor deciphered what he was implying and replied with a haughty “No. Not in that way.”

“Your loss,” Angel called as the Radio Demon moved away from the white feminine dressed spider.

Vaggie narrowed her eyes a Husk. “Can we at least not drink during a meeting?”

“Hasn’t started yet,” Husk replied, not even looking at her.

Vaggie mentioned to the bar with her spear. “That bar shouldn’t even be here!”

“I think it’s a necessary thing to have,” Angel replied. “Gotta have some liquor to enjoy between the pole dancing performances and stripping and…”

“The hotel is not a strip club, Angel!” Vaggie pressed on.

Alastor conjured a glass of Cornac in his hand with dark red magic and began to drink.

Angel grinned widely, one of his top sharp teeth golden. “See? The strawberry pimp agrees, too!”

A growl rumbled in Alastor’s throat as he glanced in Angel’s direction.

“What the…” Husk gasped. “No fair!” He clenched his claws. “I’ve had it with your fucking games and showing off.” He looked like a cat ready to pounce.

“What’d you plan to do, Husker? Fight me and lose your job?”

The Radio Demon’s tone was laced with warning. A grumbling Husk got the message and sank back in his chair.

“That’s what I thought.”

Charlie banged her fist on the table, getting everyone’s attention. “Alright then! If you all are done with your meals…”

Alastor snapped his fingers and the bowls vanished. Husk glanced at where his bowl was before. “I wasn’t done yet!”

“…let’s get down to business with our first group meeting.”

Charlie in her white tuxedo with a black bow tie, stood up and walked over to the white board. She held a wooden pointer in her hands.

On the board, the words “Happy Hotel” were written in rainbow letters. Random drawings of unicorns, puppies, flowers, and smiling stick figures of demons decorated the board off to the side.

“First and foremost, welcome to the Happy Hotel! I’m Charlie and I’m the founder of this place. How about we introduce ourselves?”

“Babe, we ain’t kids ya know,” Angel remarked. “Besides, I already know the names of you guys.”

“And frankly, I could care less,” Husk added.

“I am Alastor, the Radio Demon! Pleasure to meet all of you!”

“That radio voice of yours is getting on my nerves,” Vaggie muttered under her breath. “That wasn’t even necessary.”

“What was that?” Alastor asked with a tilt of his head. “Speak up. Say it a bit louder for the people in the back.”

Charlie looked at Vaggie who pointed to something on the board. The look in her eyes was telling Charlie to move on.

“O-okay then,” Charlie said. “With the introductions over…ground rules!”

Vaggie nodded and gave her a thumbs up.

“Rule number one: Treat each other the way you want to be treated. Be kind to each other or at least tolerant.”

Angel smirked. “Easier said than done.”

Alastor rolled his eyes and laughed.

Charlie put her hands on her hips. “You guys think this is all a joke, but I don’t. If you want to stay here, then you have to put in some effort. Even if it’s little steps every day.”

“Like I said before, you can’t baby us into good behavior,” Angel said. “Are we like your students or something?”

“Clients, yes,” she replied.

“You’re just a teen, darling,” Alastor added. “You don’t have any experience with being formerly human or know about how Hell really works. I’m surprised you made it this far after your entertaining fiasco on the picture show.”

That hit her hard. Alastor grinned in amusement at the stunned look on her face. His laugher rang in her ears (if she even had any).

Charlie had dealt with snide comments like that for many years. Helsa and Katie Killjoy were the worst, never hesitating to bring her down with comments on her clothing, her silly ideas, or her clown-like appearance.

“She’s a living joke!” Helsa would say, earning a snicker from her brother Seviathan. “Look at her blushing cheeks and tuxedo. Hey, you gonna juggle demon heads for us, princess?”

A younger Helsa was standing with a bunch of mean girls by a row of lockers (resembling Zootopia school girls with animal-like features.)

“Hey, look! It’s the gay princess of rainbows!” Helsa called. “I wanna see you smooch those loser girls over there. A love fest for freaks!”

A girl with a white ponytail and glasses whispered to another girl who stretched out her leg and made Charlie trip…papers flying everywhere as their laughter screeched around her.

“Well, looks like your project is dead on arrival,” Katie Killjoy had said, getting into her face. “How does it feel to be such a failure?”

“Listen well, Charlotte, because I won’t say this again,” Lucifer had warned her back at home. “If you know what’s good for you, you will give up on your foolish idea and start behaving like an adult.”

“But I am an adult!” Charlie protested, no longer struggling. “And I’ve decided as princess to continue on with opening the hotel. It will be what’s best for us.”

Flames sparked in Lucifer’s eyes. “If you think causing a war is what’s best for us, then you are gravely mistaken. I had high hopes for you all these years. But now…you’re nothing but a failure.”

“Charlie?”

A familiar voice cut in.  Charlie looked to see concern in Vaggie’s yellow eye.

Vaggie enveloped her gray hand into Charlie’s pale one and gave it a comforting squeeze. The feeling seemed to bring her back from her plaguing thoughts.

She took a breath.

“Well, that may be true,” she began, regaining her composure, “But my parents taught me a lot about Hell as well as their histories. I know I’m new at this project and I’ve never interacted much with a lot of people. But I’m learning new things every day from sinners like you all. I do my best every day because I know that there is good in every one of you. And I’m not going to give up on my goal. I’m offering you all a second chance; you could start doing the same for me.”

Alastor was a bit taken aback, if not impressed with how well she recovered.

“Inside of every demon is a failure,” Alastor sang softly.

“You don’t know the song, do you?” Charlie spoke up, briefly startling him. She smirked. “And besides, I’m older than all of you. I’m over 150 years old.”

Everyone stared in stunned silence. Angel’s mouth was open and he breathed “say what?” Booze sputtered from Husk’s mouth and the winged cat demon coughed. Niffty scurried over and wiped up the spilled drops off the table. Alastor’s mouth was almost hitting the floor. But shortly after that, he cleared his throat and added, “You’re beautiful all the same.”

He winked and Charlie let out a giggle. Vaggie gave a deadpan stare at Alastor, gripping her harpoon tighter in her hands.

“Rules!” Charlie proclaimed, getting back to the topic. “First rule is the Golden Rule. Be kind and respectful to everyone.”

Rule number two: No drinking during the day or past curfew. Angel. Husk.”

She stared at them. “You better be listening.”

“I’m listening,” Husk said. “I just don’t care.”

“I can take that booze away from you,” Vaggie said.

“Try it bitch.”

“Enough, enough! Rule number three: no drugs of any kind. Angel.”

“Rule number four; no distributing porn. Again, Angel, take note of this.”

“For fuck’s sake, sugar!” Angel replied. “You trying to make my life miserable here?”

“Do you want to stay rent free or not, bastard?” Vaggie added.

“Touché,” Angel said, calming down.

“Rule number five: No murdering or harming any guests or staff members. Applies to everyone. Especially Alastor.”

“What?” he said with a chuckle. “If I wanted to hurt anyone here…”

“You would’ve done so already. We get it,” Vaggie yelled, walking over to him, spear at the ready. “Bullshit. If you won’t take that rule seriously…I can make sure that you do.”

“Rule number six, no swearing.”

Husk let out a series of cuss words in response.

“Vaggie, Husk, and Angel Dust, this rule is for you.”

None of them looked happy about it.

Alastor looked smug in his seat. “That’s one rule I don’t have to worry about.”

He appeared next to Charlie after materializing from shadow. He placed her hand son her shoulders.  “But what’s say you? You’ve let out some swear words as well. I heard you on the picture show.”

Charlie looked flustered. “Y-yes, I know. I’m working on that too.”

Alastor cupped her cheeks and tilted the corners of her mouth upwards. “No frowns allowed, dear. That’s another rule.”

“Get away from her, you psycho!” Vaggie called, holding her spear and walking beside Charlie.

“It’s okay Vaggie,” Charlie assured.

Alastor poked the girls’ noses and materialized back in his seat.

“Rule number seven: respect personal space at all times. Applies to everyone. Especially now that there’s a pandemic going around.”

Alastor nodded. “A very important rule to have. The six foot rule! Angel Dust over there will have to follow it if he wants his fingers to stay intact.”

Angel backed up in his seat.

“But you will too, Al,” Charlie mentioned. “Just because you don’t like to be touched, doesn’t mean you can just touch others whenever you want.”

Charlie felt cold hands wrap around her waist. She glanced down and they were long and black. The air behind her felt cold and hummed with dark power. She looked back and stared into a shadowy face with blank teal eyes and a creepy teal grin.

“Argh!” Charlie jumped back in fright. Alastor’s shadow vanished.

“Don’t do that, Alastor!”

Alastor chuckled. “I didn’t touch you or anything. Surely, the no touching rule doesn’t apply all the time. How else would we dance and have fun?”

Charlie sighed, “Good point there.”

“Splendid!”

“Alright, now onto a list of possible solutions and goals to work toward. Vaggie helped me with this list.”

Charlie walked around the room and passed out identification papers unique to each individual that listed the subject’s dates of death, their sins and rehabilitation strategies. Extra copies were kept in a folder in Charlie’s desk.

“No sharing any personal info,” said Charlie. “Anyone who wants to talk about personal issues can do so in their own time.”

Everyone looked at her with appreciation in their eyes.

“To briefly list them out with Vaggie’s help:

“Angel Dust: drug therapy and gradual lessening of the cocaine and angel dust. Only drinking in the evenings or every other day. Frequent injections of medicine for sobering effect. Refrain from doing turf wars. No use of guns and weapons permitted in the hotel unless for self-defense. Rewards for cooperation include: staying rent free, making new friends, payment as progress goes on.”

“Alastor: No invading other people’s space. Any murder, harm or demonic possession will result in dismissal and use of harpoon weapon. Use of dark magic on anyone is prohibited. No making deals with anyone. Rewards for cooperation include: jambalaya, jazz dances, singing, and the willingness to hear dad jokes.”

“Husk: No stealing or hoarding liquor or any alcoholic beverages. We know that you do. Try and spend more time for alternative activities such as magic shows and similar gambling games that involve either less money or fake money. Rewards for cooperation include: catnip, weekend booze, money, and extra alone time.”

Charlie had written the next part for Vaggie:

“Vaggie: Take deep breaths and focus on me whenever temper arises. Refrain from swearing and killing if possible. Have faith that this project will work and keep supporting me. It’s much appreciated. Reward: new friends and spending time with me.”

“Niffty: don’t lift others up or cause any chaos. We know you’re capable of murder as well, so same rules: no murder, apply. Stalking men will result in a warning. Keep up the cooking and cleaning but don’t get too carried away.  (rumor has it that you and Husk dispose bodies for Alastor, so watch your backs.) Rewards for cooperation include: spare time for reading, writing, and sharing fanfiction.”

Charlie glanced down and saw a section of advice for her written by Vaggie:

“Charlie: Refrain from swearing and getting too involved with the lives of other clients. It will take a while for demons to get redeemed, let alone go to Heaven, so be patient. Don’t be afraid to be stern and strict when necessary. You see the good in everyone, so bring out all their good traits while acknowledging the bad. Never give up on your goal, no matter what others may say. And most importantly:

 BE CAUTIOUS OF ALASTOR.”

Charlie smiled at Vaggie who smiled back genuinely. She mouthed “I love you,” and Charlie did the same.

“Well, that pretty much covers it,” she said brightly. “We plan on having weekly meetings whenever we can. If any of you wish to talk about your personal issues, you can speak to me in private for a session.”

Vaggie nodded.

“Now…onto the fun part! The games I planned out!”

She held up drawings.

Vaggie groaned and facepalmed.

“Karaoke nights! Bingo! Strawberry cake desserts and cupcakes to share! Demon Dance Revolutions on stage! Bring your pets to work day! Arts and crafts and meet and greets! Sociological issues in Hell with Vaggie. And every Sunday, tales of Heaven and happiness!”

Now everyone had given up on taking her seriously. Some even began fidgeting or standing up to leave.

“I’ll stick with pole dancing,” said Angel.

“And gambling,” said Husk.

“Don’t forget dad jokes!” Alastor added.

“18+ fanfictions to share,” said Niffty. “My favorite: When Vox, Sir Pentious, and Alastor Cared for Me in Bed!”

Everyone gasped in surprise and disgust. The group parted ways, agreeing to meet back in the lobby.

Alastor briefly walked out of the room and up onto the balcony. His staff lit up.

“Hello there, you fabulous sinful folk! It is I, Alastor the Radio Demon coming to you live from…”

He briefly looked behind him to see that Charlie wasn’t watching,

“…the Hazbin Hotel! What is it, you ask? It is a unique little joint run by Princess Charlotte that aims to rehabilitate sinners. Yes, what a crazy idea indeed, but apparently, she already has a few clients waiting to stay there. It’s been getting boring around here and I think the princess and her friends could use some extra company. If you’re looking for a place to stay, or to hang out, or if you simply want to try and be a better person only to fail miserably at it…come on over! And it’s free as well!”

He laughed and basked in his glory. Keeping his promise to Blitzo, he added,

“…If you ever want demons or even humans to die after doing you wrong, contact the Immediate Murder Professionals. A lovely trio of imps in Imp City, they’ll kill your intended targets anyway you wish, both in Hell and on Earth! Decapitation, disembowelment, suffocation… you name it, they’ll do it. Goodbye humans, hello justice! Bonus: kids die for free!”

He snapped his fingers and a jazzy version of the I.M.P. Jingle played on air. 

“I’ll see you around next time, here on 66.6FM. And as always, smile and stay tuned!”

The staff blinked off.

“Alastor?” Charlie called from inside. “What were you doing? I heard some music out from the balcony.”

Alastor turned around. “Hello, my dear! I just came out for some fresh air.”

“Where you just on the radio?” she asked.

“Yes. Nothing much, just advertising your hotel to the public.”

Now it was Charlie’s turn for her jaw to hit the floor. A mixture of elation, surprise, and nervousness spurred through her core.

“Y-You what?”

Alastor laughed. “I did say I wanted to help, didn’t I? So I figured, why not spread the word to a wider audience?”

Charlie smiled but was also shaking. If it was true, then now everyone would know about the hotel. Including Helsa, Katie, her parents…

On the one hand, it was the start of a dream come true. More people would folk to the front doors in the hopes of possibly redeeming themselves in the future. 

On the other hand, she’d now be a potential laughing stock for everyone in Hell. Her embarrassment at the news station was awful enough. Now there could be more demons out there who would dismiss her idea just like that.

In the back of her head, she wondered about the other overlords. Would they be willing to come to the hotel as well? Could they track her location and harm her when she was by herself?

And what would her parents think of this? The last thing she wanted was another lecture from her father of how her plan seemed unreasonable, ridiculous and a waste of time.

But then again…she had her friends with her. She had Alastor to protect her. If she wanted to prove herself, she would have to get started somehow.

“Thank you, Al. I don’t know what to say,” she finally said.

“Think nothing of it, my dear. More people means more entertainment, doesn’t it?”

Charlie walked back inside, soon surrounded by the others. She stared into each of their eyes and saw something she’d never thought she’d see: sparks of hope and support. Genuine smiles on their faces, even for Husk. Each individual leading different lives but all connected together in a strange bond. A band of misfits, brought together by herself and fate. The downtrodden brought to a place of comfort, where they could be themselves while working toward getting into paradise.

It was the start of something special. Of potentially making a difference and changing her world.

“Charlie?” Vaggie asked.

“Yes,” she said.

Vaggie mentioned to the door. A series of knockings could be heard. Charlie walked toward the door, hesitantly reaching for the handle before swinging it open.

A pair of three imps and a hellhound stood in the doorway. The one in front had a white and red face with yellow eyes, long curved horns and a black mark on his forehead. The shorter imp to his right had white hair, a red face, yellow eyes and shorter horns. Both of them wore navy blue business suits, their long pointed red tails behind them. The other imp was dressed in a black tank top with torn pants. She had lone eyelashes and eye rows, plus a red face and wild black hair. Finally, the white furry hellhound was dressed in street clothing: torn short pants, a spiked collar around her neck and a tank top held in place with string shaped like a downward pointing pentagram.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“Is this the Hazbin Hotel?” asked the imp in front. “The Radio Demon kindly advertised our company and so we decided to see what this Hazbin business is about.”

“No, this is the Happy Hotel,” she said, confusion etched onto her face.

“The sign up there read Hazbin,” said the shorter male imp.

The first imp spoke. “So you’re the princess that the Radio Demon talked about. Redeeming sinners, right?”

Charlie scratched the back of her neck. “Yes.”

Blitzo laughed. “My, that’s a first when it comes to hilarious ideas. And I thought Stolas was crazy in the head.”

Charlie flushed, eyes downward.

“But hey, don’t worry, we’re just here for a visit. At Alastor’s request.”

Those words sent an unforeseen chill down her spine. He wondered what he meant by that.

Making an effort to be polite, she held out her hand. “I’m Charlie.”

“Blitzo!” said the imp in front, shaking her hand. “The o is silent. Head of I.M.P. This is Moxxie, Millie, and my dear Loony. May we come in?”

“Sure.”

Blitzo proudly walked in, followed by a grumpy Moxxie, an excited Millie and an indifferent Loona.

Vaggie gasped in shock as the group came in. Angel, Husk and Niffty soon took notice.

“Hello there good friends!” Alastor greeted. He had clearly been expecting them. He turned to Niffty. “Niffty, it’s your turn to make some jambalaya for our new guests!”

“I’m on it!” she beamed before dashing of toward the kitchen.

“Jamba-what now?” Moxxie asked.

“Jambalaya, a Creole specialty dish from New Orleans. Rice, shrimp, vegetable, meat, and fresh flesh mixed in if you prefer.”

“Sounds ravishing to me!” Millie said.  She looked around at the hotel. “Wow, this place is quite something! It may not be the fanciest one but it’s better than the slums and halfway houses in Imp City.”

She turned to Blitzo, “Blitzo can we please stay a night or two?”

“No Millie, this is a place for sinners, not for us hellborn. Besides, we’ll have to go back to headquarters once our visit is over.”

Millie pouted a bit.

Moxxie folded his arms. “Getting sent here for a ”meet and greet.” Pathetic. We’re treated like dirt day in and day out by Hell society. Why visit a random hotel down the pit?”

“Because,” Blitzo said, eyes shining. “Alastor promised me a taste of musical theater and entertainment. The two of us on stage!”

“That’s right!” he chimed in. “I heard about I.M.P. on the picture show. It was the least I could do to show my support. And here I am supporting Charlie with her hotel. It does feel good to help out others.”

Charlie cupped her face and beamed in delight. Millie and Niffty stood and giggled as they watched Alastor from a distance. Vaggie and everyone else looked suspicious. Vaggie seriously doubted that Alastor actually meant what he said. He was only concerned about entertaining himself and using others for his benefit.

Blitzo and Moxxie exchanged worried looks. The hidden mark of Kalfu and Alastor hummed inside their heads. The three imps were, in fact, summoned to the hotel just after Alastor’s announcement. Loona quickly tracked them down, almost pulled in after then as well. She, too, felt a pinch of dark energy inside her.

Moxxie opened his mouth speak, but no sound came out. He tried to use his hands for sign language, but a dark shadow seemed to hold his fingers in place. A look of fear was etched onto his face. He stared at Charlie, desperate to tell her, but he could only blink and move his eyes. Charlie was oblivious, of course. Vaggie and Angel were merely concerned. Niffty and Husk felt the same energy pulsing from inside their heads like a dark heartbeat. They knew that just like the newcomers, they couldn’t do anything but wait and watch. By the time the others figured out they had made deals with Alastor, he’d probably brush them aside, having no use for them. There was no way to tell, so they stopped thinking about it.

“Is something the matter, good sir?” Alastor asked, grin stretching slightly.

A flash of a recent memory at headquarters…

A very slow “Shave and a Haircut” knock filled up the silence. It came from behind the door that led to the hallway.

Loona and Husk froze, maws open in mid-brawl. Moxxie raised his eyebrows and suddenly started to shiver. Millie and Blitzo suddenly felt an oncoming sense of dread. Husk crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. Niffty, however, clapped her hands in excitement. She took some steps forward, but froze at Moxxie’s glare.

“Do not answer the door,” Moxxie whispered in a harsh tone.

Niffty stared in confusion. “Why not? He’s my friend.”

Moxxie narrowed his eyes.

“From the other side!” Niffty emphasized.

“Just don’t go any further.”

Niffty grinned and tiptoed closer to the door.

“No, no, no,” Moxxie breathed, moving his hands across in a signal. “Stop right there.”

Niffty stopped and slowly reached her thin black hand toward the round handle.

“Oh for Lucifer’s sake!” Blitzo announced, walking toward the door. “It’s Niffty’s coworker. How bad can he be?”

He opened the door and grinned. “Hi I’m Blitz…”

His eyes widened and his face fell.

“…o.”

Blitzo stared at a towering tall demon wearing a tattered red dress coat with vertical thin stripes. Burgundy colored pants covered his legs and ended in red patches along the ends. He wore black dress shoes with red deer print marks on the soles. His undershirt was red and had an upside down black cross as part of the design. A black bow tie was displayed below his slender neck. One of his four clawed hands held a red vintage microphone staff.

Blitzo stuttered, at a loss for words. Fear was constricting his throat. He stuttered as he looked up at the man’s face, “Welcome…”

Blitzo stared at the man’s red and black hair, with large deer ears and antlers. His large red eyes blinked to life from a pale face. A monocle gleamed under his right eye.

“…to…”

The man displayed a grin of sharp yellow teeth, his smile too wide to be considered natural.

“…I.M.P…”

The demon opened his mouth, “Hell…”

Blitzo slammed the door, catching his breath. He opened it a crack…

“…o!”

Closed it again. “Guys…” he began.

“What?” Moxxie asked in frustration.

“I think we need to move away. Niffty, could you please send your friend away? He’s giving me the creeps.”

Niffty shook her head.

“Don’t let him in, sir!” Moxxie said. Husk nodded in agreement.

Millie gasped, “That’s a rude way to treat a guest!”

“Okay then, do you want to open the door?”

Millie gulped.

Blitzo sighed and opened it again.

“May I speak now?” the man asked.

“Sure, whatever,” Blitzo muttered.

The overlord swooped into the room. “Greetings fellow sinners! I’m Alastor but people call me the Radio Demon. I heard from my little darling Niffty that you imps are part of an assassination organization, yes?”

Blitzo took a deep breath and cleared his throat. A smile appeared on his face, now that he was feeling confident. “That’s correct, good sir! I’m Blitzo and I’m the founder of the Immediate Murder Professionals, I.M.P. for short.”

Alastor laughed. “What a clever name! I.M.P. run by imps! And who are your associates?”

Blitzo mentioned to the other imps, “This is Moxxie and Millie.” Millie waved and blushed while Moxxie glowered.

Loona looked up from her phone.

“…and this is my sweet daughter, Loona,” Blitzo finished.

Loona growled and snapped her teeth at Alastor, causing him to take a step back. Retaining his composure, he continued. “That little maid is Niffty, and that cat over there is Husk. I saw your commercial on the picture show and was intrigued. Murdering people in gruesome ways…a classic form of entertainment! It even makes my methods look standard. All thanks to Niffty for finding your location.”

Niffty smiled and waved.

“Next time, don’t mention Imp City in the ad,” Moxxie spat at Blitzo in a low voice.

Alastor walked slightly closer to Blitzo, leaning in. “Is it true that you have access to the living world?”

“Uh…yes?” Blitzo answered. He felt Alastor’s fingers make their way along his curved horns. Despite himself denying it, Blitzo felt his cheeks go pink.

“And you can create portals? Splendid, indeed. There’s no other being in Hell who can do that.”

“Smooth liar,” Husk muttered from a distance.

“That’s right!” Blitzo replied. “Our company has special access to the living world due to our abilities. I may have also stolen a Satanic ritual book from a bird dick overlord several days ago. Top secret.”

Moxxie’s face turned purple, he made the hand signal for “zip it!” to Blitzo, but of course, he wasn’t paying attention.

Alastor smiled and put a finger to his lips. “Rest assured, whatever happens here, stays here.”

He waved his hand and two bottles of booze appeared in front of Husk.  

“You might think you can keep getting away with bribing me like that…” Husk said, narrowing his eyes, “…but we both know you can!” He picked up a bottle and started drinking. Loona snatched the other one.

“What exactly are you doing here, anyway?” Moxxie demanded to Alastor.

“Why I’m here to help out your company, of course! I’m already involved in helping Charlie with her hotel, so I figured I could expand my horizons.”

The Radio Demon walked over to Millie. “Hello, dear, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

He gently kissed her red hand, making her giggle.

Moxxie slapped his hand away. “No one touches my wife, you got that?”

Alastor just shrugged and walked toward the table.

“Don’t you walk away from me, Mister!” Mooxie stood from his chair and walked over to him. He pointed at his chest, making the demon’s smile more strained. “You look like a shady showman to me, so listen here. You have no business whatsoever in interfering with our company. Or messing around with my coworkers and my boss. So, don’t go around harming anyone here, or we’ll kick you out of our office…or just slice you to bits, Dapper Deer!”

Alastor just laughed softly. Millie and Blitzo walked over to calm Moxxie down.

“If I wanted to hurt anyone here…” Alastor said…

He then spoke in a creepy tone: “I would’ve done so already.”

His eyes turned into red moving radio dials and the air filled with radio static and floating red voodoo symbols.

He shook his head and the sensations ceased. His eyes returned to normal. “So, now let’s talk about how I can help you out.”

“What?” Millie asked.

“How can I be of assistance? You want donations? Promotion? An upgraded outfit?”

Blitzo scoffed, “My outfit is great enough as it is. But… you said something about promotions?”

Alastor nodded. “You ever feel like your work goes unrecognized?”

“Yeah,” Blitzo replied. “People do come to us a lot to murder people, but…”

Alastor tilted his head…

Blitzo continued, “…but the imps and residents here look down on us. Not to mention even the sinners brush us aside like we’re trash. That’s why we’ve kept to ourselves a lot. We imps have to stick together…and hellhounds, too.”

Loona rolled her eyes.

“But your company is so unique, and with such special access, I don’t know why others would look down on you,” Alastor mentioned. “Whoever those horrible people are…who are they?”

“My asshole father,” Blitzo said. “He’s kept me from achieving my musical theater dreams.”

Alastor placed a hand on Blitzo’s shoulder. He spoke in his sympathetic tone, reserved for making others feel at ease.

“Oh, believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve loved singing and music ever since I can remember. And my dad…well it’s a long story, too tragic to go into. Have you ever thought of…killing the person in your way? It’s surprisingly simple, and you of all people should know.”

“I…um…”

Moxxie nodded. “I had a dream that my parents were being murdered, and I wanted to get back to that.”

“What if I told you…there was a way for your dreams to come true?”

“That’s impossible,” Moxxie scoffed.

Alastor appeared behind him, from his shadow form, making him jump. “I don’t think so! I can do so many things for your cause.” He stood in front of the three imps. A flaming bag of money appeared in Alastor’s outstretched hand, in front of Blitzo’s eyes. It changed to fiery silhouettes of Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie dancing to the clapping of a crowd coming through his microphone. “This may seem like a bit much, but so far, you’re a well-established company.” The I.M.P. logo appeared in his hand before he closed it. “I could improve you ads, extend your business to Pentagram City, all under my protection. Imps won’t have to be the lowest of the low ever again.”

Blitzo and his associates looked at each other, lost in thought. Alastor’s grin grew wider.

 “Do you really want to give up this golden opportunity?”

Moxxie paused. Blitzo found himself shaking his head. Millie smiled at Niffty and Husk nearby.

Alastor turned to leave. “Well, it was worth a try. I could give you some time to think about it…it was only a suggestion.”

He slowly walked toward the door. “3…2…1…”

Blitzo’s eyes went wide. “No, no, wait! Don’t leave.”

Alastor turned his head, smile wide. He turned back to them and held out his right hand. “So, do we have a deal?”

“No deals!” Moxxie yelled, pulling Blitzo away. “There’s something shifty about this guy. The stuff he says is too good to be true.”

“You sure about that?” he asked. “Perhaps I need to persuade you a little more…”

He snapped his fingers and the table and pictures vanished. The room turned a dark purple and the floor became wooden like dance floor. Deer antlers and voodoo symbols lined the walls in neon colors. The posters now showed deer with black bloody circles in place of eyes. Alastor’s outfit changed into a red suit, with a red top hat with pins sticking out. Soon, everyone was wearing attire from the early 1900s: dapper dresses and round hats of purple, green and yellow for Millie, Niffty, and Loona, and suits of light blue, white and black for Blitzo, Husk and Moxxie.

“Take it boys!” Alastor called, snapping his fingers. Shadow spirits emerged from a newly created portal in the ground. One played a saxophone, one a trumpet, and the other played the drums.

A jazzy remix of the I.M.P. jingle played. Moxxie and Millie danced and spun around in the spotlight as the music played. Husk and Moxxie glared at each other in a corner. Niffty smiled and danced along, while Loona stared at her phone again.

Alastor mentioned for Blitzo to come on stage and sing with him. Blitzo blushed and slowly made his way next to him.

Alastor sang through his vintage microphone, which lit up.

“When you want somebody dead,

And you wanna poke fun at their head

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals

Whether homicide or genocide

We’ll make it look like suicide

Immediate Murder Professionals

We do our job so well

‘Cause we come straight up from Hell

We’ll kill your husband or your wife

We’ll even let you keep the knife

The Immediate…Murder…Professionals

The song was followed by an electro swing solo and a repeat of the verses.

Blitzo was lost in a blissful trance as he and Alastor spun around in a dance.

They both stopped to catch their breath as the music slowed to a relaxing jazz melody.

Alastor held out his right hand. “What’d you say? Won’t you shake a poor sinner’s hand?” The area around him glowed an eerie green and a strange wind gusted.

Millie ran over and eagerly shook his hand. “I accept! Thank you for your help!” In the shadows, Moxxie was pulled toward Alastor by black tentacles wrapping around his waist.

Blitzo stared at Alastor’s hand in front of him. Common sense told him to stay far away from this demon.

But Millie had shaken his hand already…and he did offer to help them…

Blitzo’s musical dream was just beginning, and so was his company. Why back out now?

He slowly moved his hand closer, hovering over Alastor’s fingerless glove- covered hand.

Loona’s eyes grew wide. Her fur stuck on end and her instincts kicked in. She could smell deceit and evil coming from the demon. She hadn’t thought it would go this far. For the first time, she placed her phone down on the ground. “Blitz!” she called.

Blitzo briefly looked behind Alastor…and saw his adopted daughter…with fear in her eyes for the first time. He was sure he was dreaming. There was no way magic like this could exist, and surely his daughter wouldn’t show this much concern for him.

But then again…Blitzo could create portals to Earth, so anything was possible.

“Anything is possible,” said Alastor, as if reading his thoughts.

“Don’t do it!” Loona barked. She raced over to Blitzo…only for Husk and Niffty to block her. Husk’s eyes and Niffty’s eye glowed red. “Ahh, the fuck?!” Loona exclaimed, in shock.

Blitzo’s shaking hand inched closer…

Moxxie’s hand was forcibly guided to the demon’s other hand by the tentacles…

Loona growled and swatted Husk and Niffty aside with her paws.

Blitzo’s hand touched Alastor’s at the same time Moxxie’s did.

“Noooo!”

The Radio Demon cackled in triumph as Blitzo and Moxxie shook his hands. All three imps briefly opened their eyes wide, all glowing red. Small streams of evil black energy from their souls traveled from each of their mouths and into Alastor’s staff. Husk and Niffty stood up and stared at each other…for this had happened to them as well. All five of them stood still like soldiers, each with too-wide grins on their faces as static and symbols filled the air.

“No, sir, nothing.” Moxxie replied.

The pulsing stopped and a shadow was lifted.

“Very well then. Off we go to the bar.”

Angel and Blitzo walked side by side, having a heated conversation.

“I’d kill to work for a company like yours, pun not intended,” Angel said. “Being paid to kill people? With all the turf wars I’m in, I’ve killed or hurt dozens of demons. With humans, it’s no problem.”

“What do you do,” Blitzo asked. “I must admit, your dress is rather…strange.”

“It’s a suit, thank you very much.”

“I still like it.”

“Really? Well, I’m not too surprised. I’m Hell’s number one porn star after all.”

“What’s that like?”

“I work for my boss Valentino. He’s the owner of a porn studio not too far from here. I just tell my haters, “It’s my day to be gay.” And to those who wanna fuck with me, they gotta pay me. My services don’t come cheap.”

“Heh,” Blitzo said with curiosity. “You with Valentino?”

“Yeah, he’s rough in the bedroom. Doesn’t really care much about me other than me paying him and keeping myself in line.”

“Sounds similar to Stolas. He sheds his feathers when he’s aroused. We fucked in his palace and I stole a Satanic ritual book to access the living world.”

Angel grinned. “Oooh! Kinky!”

“Then I fell down into chocolate cake and tell his queen, “Sorry I fucked your husband!”

“Damn! And you’re still alive?”

“I was lucky to hightail it outta there before she could peck out my insides.”

“Oh, tell me more.”

Blitzo laughed. “He called me over the phone and told me he wasn’t lonely now that so many people die from the covid 19 virus. Then he was then like, “When I’m lonely, I become hungry, and when I’m hungry… I want to…”

Blitzo continued on with a string of curse words and graphic descriptions.

“...and I’ll leave you screaming….like a fucking baby!”

Angel stared stunned at what he had told him. “Holy shit. And I thought I was into BDSM. This owl guy could probably intimidate Valentino. Heheheheh. I did the same thing to Alastor as a prank call and he just hung up on me.”

“Hahaha! I can see why.”

Charlie and Vaggie walked side by side together, placing their distance from the guys.

“Stolas…” Charlie said to Vaggie after hearing the name. “It sounds familiar. Oh I remember. He’s Melodia’s husband and father of Octavia.”

“Who’s that?”

“Octavia is a princess like me, except she’s a black and white owl. We…we used to be best friends when we were younger. We did typical princess tuff, tea parties, dress up, and the occasional murder. We even went to Hell-World in Gore-rida.”

Vaggie’s eyes brightened. “I remember when we went there together.”

“Yes. We posed together in front of the castle and we rode all the rides, too. Oh and the Disney musicals were the best part!”

The two girls reminisced over the fun times.

Charlie’s face fell. “But then, as time went on, we grew distant. I started to focus on the Happy Hotel and several other projects that could help out sinners. I encouraged Octavia to join me, but she refused. She thought my ideas were stupid and a waste of time.   After a few years, she started to believe that I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. I told her that wasn’t true but she didn’t believe me. She said that if I were her friend, I would’ve kept in contact with her, dressed more properly and mostly forget about my rehabilitation goals.”

“That sounds harsh,” Vaggie said. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.” She placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“My dad was hoping that our families could be on good terms through a partnership. Not by marriage but by business and friendship. Now we hardly see each other.”

Everyone made their way into the larger area, where they were free to talk or roam around.

  

Later on, Alastor and a very happy Blitzo were singing together in the spotlight up on stage. Blitzo now had a fancy dark blue suit with an orange, red tie and two dark top hats over his horns with stitched up smiley faces on it. With a confident grin, Alastor pulled Charlie onto the stage to sing along with them, much to Vaggie’s shock and anger.

Loona and Husk were fighting furiously over a bottle of booze.

“That’s my bottle, you bitch,” Husk hissed. “Go buy your own.”

It’s mine, pussycat.”

“Homeless furry beast. Go back to the fucking slum where you and the hellhounds belong!”

“I’ll chase you and rip you apart, you gambling shittalking clown!”

The two of them bared teeth and claws, swiping at each other and pulling each other’s ears.

Without ceasing his tap dancing nor letting his smile falter, Alastor snapped his fingers. Loona and Husk were sent to opposite corners of the room, each with a bottle of booze next to them. They both looked stunned before gulping down their bottles with deadly glares.

Charlie stepped up to the microphone and began to sing:

“Sing it out

You’ve got to see what tomorrow brings

Sing it out

You’ve got to be what tomorrow needs

For every time that they want to count you out

Use your voice every single time you open up your mouth

Sing it for the beaus

Sing it for the belles

Every time you lose it, sing it for Hell

Sing it from the heart

Sing it till you’re nuts

Sing it out for the ones you hate your guts

Sing it for the winners

Sing it for the sinners

Sing about everyone as you make fresh dinners”

Alastor’s heart fluttered as he immersed himself in the moment. Focusing only on the sound of her angelic enchanting voice.

“Oh Charlie, you’re full of surprises, charming demon belle.”

Meanwhile, Millie and Niffty were sharing stories about guys at their table.

Millie pointed to Moxxie, who was sitting across a table from Vaggie, both of them staring in envy at the trio on stage.

“That’s my husband, Moxxie. He can be a grump sometimes, but he’s very kind once you get to know him. He made me a song called “Oh Millie.” We sang it together one night when we were out shooting demons on the streets nearby.”

Niffty beamed. “How romantic! You two spending some great time together. Disposing bodies and dancing in the bloody rain…it’s worthy for a fairytale.”

“I know!” said Millie. “Blitzo films us outside of work, which drives Mox nuts. Sometimes he can have panic attacks, but I always know how to calm him down. I do love my job at I.M.P. Seems like I’m the only employee who does. Sure, we get into a lot of fights and we live in a crummy area of Hell. But we are a company family, so we stick together no matter what.”

“Well, I’m very happy for you.” She sighed. “It’s so sexy when a man shows his great power. I mean, look at my boss. He’s conquered a dozen areas in Hell and he has supernatural powers. Husk and I were summoned to this place to assist him. Husk is the bartender and I’m the cook and housekeeper. Man it felt good to be free of the burning lake, you know? Plus…I have a side-job too.”

“What is it?” She leaned in.

“Husk and I sometimes dispose of demon bodies after Alastor kills other demons…and we get paid at the end of every week.”

Millie laughed. “I’m all too familiar with that process. Except we dispose of humans. And on Earth…it’s more risky if you get caught. Down here, nobody cares.”

“Oh I just love men, so much! Alastor, Vox, Valentino…Lucifer too. If I had my way…”

Her voice grew lower and harmless fire spread over her body,

“I’d clean this hellhole of all the messy chaotic demons, clean up the organs and bathe in the blood. The skins of demons and women would be sewn together to make fashionable outfits for a grand ball. All the men in hell would devote themselves to me and the rest would die in cleansing flame.”

The flames stopped and Niffty shrunk back to normal size. Millie just stared at her for a while.

“Oh and I also want my new fanfiction to be noticed and published. I just fixed it, too. On Wattpad.”

She held up sheets of paper she summoned from fire: “How Vox, Valentino, Lucifer and Alastor Cared for Me in Bed.”

“I wonder what Blitzo and Moxxie are like…”

Millie glared. “Keep my husband out of this, and I’ll support your work.”

“Really? Thank you so much!”

Niffty jumped for joy and ran off to deliver more bowls of Jambalaya. Millie scanned through the papers with a smile. And then a grimace.

“Piece of shit.”

 She casually tossed the papers to Loona, who tore them apart with her mouth and claws.

Moxxie and Vaggie said nothing for a while. They just watched as Charlie took a bow after singing “You’re Never Fully Dressed.”

“I swear, Blitzo, you keep going off the deep end every day. Why do I have to keep putting up with you and the dumb company?”

Vaggie watched as Alastor kissed Charlie’s hand, both of them smiling.

“Charlie, why don’t you stop and listen to me? You’d really risk our friendship…and dare I say it, your life, for an evil dealmaker who shows up at your door?”

As if they were reading each other’s thoughts, Moxxie and Vaggie glanced at each other.

“What a bunch of egocentric idiots,” he muttered.

“No need to remind me,” Vaggie said. “I wish I could slap that stupid smile off that man’s face.”

“Alastor?”

“Yes.”

“You’re stupid if you plan on trying.”

“Imp, I’ll only go that far if he puts my friend in danger.”

“I’m Moxxie, lady. I could care less about who you are.”

“Vaggie,” she growled. She gripped her spear with one hand.

Moxxie scoffed. “You gonna use that harpoon on me? You best use it wisely. After a single strike, I’d fall dead and everyone would want to get their hands on it.”

“And get kicked out of this place. No. How do you so much about my spear?”

Moxxie let out a small grin. “I’m a weapon’s specialist at I.M.P. I’ve been fixing and using guns, rifles, knives, and pretty much anything. I know an angelic weapon when I see it.”

This time, Vaggie got intrigued. “I’ve kept this with me ever since I fell down into Hell. I didn’t merely appear like the other sinners.”

She dug into her pocket and showed him one of her daggers. Moxxie studied it with interest. “Appears to be hand-made. Steel blade, slightly worn. You made this?”

Vaggie nodded. “I also am good at martial arts. Though I haven’t practiced since…well, my previous life ended and I fell from the Heavens. This weapon is my only reminder of that.”

Moxxie handed the dagger back to her.  “Are you a … fallen angel?”

“Fallen Exterminator,” she corrected. “I’m stuck here forever just like everyone else. And perhaps I’m destined to die on one of the Exterminations.”

Moxxie shook his head. “With your intellect and courage…and temper, I doubt that.”

Vaggie didn’t know what to say, other than, “I figured as much.”

Moxxie then asked, “Have you ever felt like you’re…somehow second best? Like you’re just the sidekick to your boss or friend, stuck in a big company with no one but annoyances around you?”

Vaggie nodded. “All the time. It always seems to be about Charlie and Alastor. When they’re together, they act like I’m not even there. And don’t get me started on Angel Dust, Husk and Niffty. Angel, fucking son of a bitch drug addict. He jumps into turf wars and made the hotel look bad to the public. He only wants a free place to crash. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone around him, it seems. And Husk, the drinker and gambler…swears as much as me. Called me bitch when I told him to stop hoarding liquor for the umpteenth time. Niffty, that fast little bugger, always hot for men and getting into everyone’s business. And Alastor…urgh! He shoves me aside, slaps my ass, steals my girlfriend away! He’d be dead if he weren’t so powerful. If this goes on too long…”

Vaggie turned away, angrily wiping a stray tear from her eye. “Just…men are untrustworthy. At least to me. They stole my virginity, stole my life, and now my afterlife best friend.”

Moxxie didn’t know what to say, he just seethed softly, debating on whether to talk to her or leave her alone.

“That’s harsh. I’m sorry. I thought I had it hard, with Blitzo stalking me every day, and him using my salary to pay for an advertisement. I live in poverty and listen to musicals…but life’s not bad not that my asshole parents aren’t around.”

Moxxie cleared his throat. “Well, I can say this, having been in Hell for a while. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer. Stick with people you trust, and when you can’t trust them…sometimes you have to roll with the punches and get through the day.”

He brandished a small black gun and clicked it for show. “Trust your instincts. And when it’s time to fight, don’t hold back.”

“I won’t, believe me.”

Her demon form emerged, her white hair fanning out, with eyes forming on it like moth wings. Her pink bow turned into pink horns and her pink x glowed. Purple moth wings made of flame sprouted from her back and an extra pair of insect like limbs allowed her to carry more weapons. Small antennae formed from the front part of her head of hair.

“I would give my life to save Charlie.”

“As I would for Millie.”

Vaggie reverted back to her regular form, the wings and features vanishing.

“Thank you, Moxxie, I really needed that.”

“Not a problem.”

They shook hands before parting ways.

Charlie ran over and enveloped Vaggie in a hug. “Oh that was such a great performance. It was so much fun being up there!”

Vaggie had to smile. “You did well up there. Your voice is beautiful.”

“Aww Vaggie,” she laughed. She planted a kiss on her friend’s forehead, a blush coming to her gray cheeks. Charlie sat next to Vaggie as they listened to Alastor’s dad jokes.

“Two radio antennas got married. The wedding was good but the reception was awesome!”

“Boo!” shouted Angel. Everyone else sat in boredom, save for Charlie, Millie, and Niffty who silently giggled. Lonna lifted a middle finger as she stared at her phone.

Alastor cleared his throat.

“Knock knock. Who’s there? Radio. Radio who?”

He then answered his joke in a demonic voice without moving his mouth.  

“Radio not here I come! Hahaha!”

“Jeez, even when he’s telling jokes, he gives me the creeps,” Moxxie mentioned to Millie. Millie nodded, half dazed. “Snap out of it,” he shook her as she turned to him.

“Calm down, Mox. Don’t worry so much.”

Niffty had gotten a nosebleed and fainted in delight.

Alastor glanced down. “Somebody please help the little darling?”

Millie raced over and moved Niffty over to a couch.

“Radio not, here I come,” Vaggie scoffed. “That’s not even a dad joke, it was a knock knock joke! So terrible.”

“Like paper is,” Charlie added, with a smile.

Vaggie playfully elbowed Charlie in the ribs. “Blonde dork.”

Soon it was getting late. It was time for I.M.P. to go back to their business.

“Thank you for coming, everyone!” said Alastor. “What a splendid night it was! You’re welcome back here anytime!”

“Good riddance,” Loona called back, taking a breath of a cigarette and holding a stolen bottle of vodka in her hands. Husk flipped the bird at her as she did it back with both hands. Angel Dust had given her a bag of angel dust, which she hid in her shorts. It didn’t go unnoticed by Charlie but she decided to let the matter slide.

Loona was the first one out, followed by Millie, Moxxie, and finally, Blitzo.

“Bye everyone!” Blitzo called out. “Be sure to call us you want somebody gone!”

“Are you sure you don’t want to redeem yourself?” Charlie asked. “You are an incredible performer and it was so much fun to spend time with you.”

“Hmm, let me think…no thank you!” Blitzo laughed. “Business is business!”

Blitzo did one last wave and wink before Charlie shut the door with a sigh.

“Alright, off to your rooms everyone,” Charlie called. “We have a busy day tomorrow.”

Alastor sent his shadow to guard the perimeter outside, while the group straightened up the lobby before heading upstairs.

She walked toward a certain red clad demon.

“Alastor, you changed the sign of my hotel. Why?”

Alastor looked up from the voodoo doll he was sewing and stood up. “Darling, Happy sounded too immature. It sounds like a name for an overnight rehab center where demon’s reputations are forever tarnished in group meetings and little kid activities. This is a hotel in Hell, for misfits like us. A safe place for them to stay for the night. No other name properly reflects that.”

“That still doesn’t give you the right to change anything!”

Alastor shrugged and spread out his arms. “Hey, no need to get so frazzled. I’m just doing my part to help. Though if you don’t want any more help…I can just find entertainment elsewhere…”

“Nonono! Please…stay,” Charlie begged. “Just…stay out of trouble.”

Alastor pulled her in for a brief side hug, then pat her head. “We’ll do. Goodnight, sweetheart.”

He vanished into the shadows without another word.