(After) Life is a (Helluva) musical

I "Hey Good Lookin' "(Hank Williams Jr.)

With a large ear-to ear grin, Alastor led the way back to the hotel, the group following him.

“Well I’m starved! Who wants some jambalaya?” he asked. “My mother made a special recipe for jambalaya. In fact, it nearly killed her!” He laughed. “One could say the kick was straight outta Hell! Oh I’m on a roll!”

He hardly noticed the fact that Niffty was zipping around close to him, getting a glimpse of him at different angles. A smile had appeared on her face when he had taken down Sir Pentious’ airship with a snap of his fingers. Seeing the shadow spirits laughing and screeching in the air was quite the sight. And those tentacles that had brought down the ship…she wondered how they would feel wrapped around her waist and arms and legs. Cool and slimy? More snake-like? Or perhaps as soft and warm as the flesh she loved to eat?

Arousing ideas for a fanfiction sparked to life in her mind, her little hands itching to be preoccupied with something to do.

Niffty had enjoyed it when Alastor had changed everyone’s clothing and briefly altered the designs for the hotel. The way he sang and danced with such grace and charm, flashed in her head. A marvelous joyful moment that she wanted to hold onto. Well, save for the moment when Alastor had chosen to dance with Charlie, igniting envy within her core. She knew that Alastor liked to flirt and hang out with other women such as Rosie the overlord and Mimzy, a famous performer and jazz club owner. They may have been pretty and popular but none of them were there to clean his lair, make him food or iron his suits.

Niffty felt honored to be in the service of someone so powerful. His supernatural powers along with his gentlemanly personality and appearance made him all the more appealing. If only her associate Husk could see how amazing their boss was. Thanks to him, she had been freed from the burning lake, summoned through the fireplace and was able to tidy up one of the rooms in less than three minutes. While Husk was the lazy swearing grump, she was the hyperactive, skillful fangirl.

Niffty was even happier when she discovered some things she and Alastor had in common: cooking and sewing. They continued along and she caught a first class view of Alastor’s small furry black and red deer tail as he opened the pair of stained-glass doors. A snap of his fingers and the hole in the wall was instantly repaired. She restrained herself from reaching out to touch the furry tail.

The rest of the group sat down at the bar while Alastor walked into the kitchen to get the meal ready. Niffty eagerly followed.

Alastor hummed “You’re Never Fully Dressed” as he got the ingredients in order on a table. He sliced sausage and shrimp on a cutting board and put the pieces in a pan to heat them up. He walked over to an ice box and opened the door. Severed demon legs and a few organs were ready for use. He grinned, took them out and chopped them up to throw in with the rest of the meat.

Then it was onto the rice and vegetables. Alastor sliced and diced onions, green peppers, celery, and tomatoes. Before long, the gumbo was heated in a black pan, a spicy black sauce included in the mixture. Alastor’s apron read “Don’t kiss the cook, unless you want your tongue cut off.”

Niffty lifted herself up and stared with her wide yellow eye at the large amount of heating jambalaya. Her mouth was already watering.

Alastor glanced around at gave her the handsomest of smiles, “Hello little darling!” he greeted.

A deep blush crept to Niffty’s small white face. A song rumbled and emerged to life from her mouth and gut.

“Say hey good lookin, whatcha got cookin’?”

“Jambalaya of course!” said Alastor.

She sang while hanging upside down holding a wooden spoon, “How’s about cookin’ somethin’ up with me?”

Alastor laughed. “I’m doing just fine on my own, thank you.”

Niffty appeared standing on the table in front of Alastor, popping a leftover piece of bone into her mouth. She leaned in slightly closer.

“Hey, sweet baby, don’t you think maybe…”

Alastor blinked. “I’m sorry, what was that…?”

Niffty spread out her arms.

“We could find us a brand new recipe!”

“Great idea! How about you go find us some human meat for this? Off you go now.” He waved his hand.

But the little cyclops had no intent on leaving.

“I got a deadly steel pin and a new oven mitt

And I know a spot right inside of the pit…”

She showed him the items up close before dancing, lifting her skirt up slightly as she skipped.

“Niffty, please, I’m preoccupied.”

“There’s hard liquor and the dancin’s free…”

She batted her eyelashes and her pupil grew larger. She stared with a dazzling smile of teeth and an extra fluff of her magenta red shirt hair.

“…So if you wanna have fun, come along with me…”

Alastor instinctively flinched back, eyes widening even as the smile remained in place on his face.

“Ha! No.” His smile grew strained and impatience was setting in.

“Say hey good lookin’, whatcha got cookin’

How’s about cookin’ something up with me?”

Niffty did graceful flips in the air, jumping from table to table. The area seemed to sparkle with pink light, big round bubbles, and bloody hearts dancing to the beat. She appeared in the oven and startled Alastor when he opened the door and saw her. She then started to juggle frozen fruits and demon heads in her hands, catching them all in her mouth and swallowing without trouble. Alastor tried his hardest to ignore her. Usually she came in handy but her “fangirl” moments like these got on his nerves. Almost as annoying as Mimzy’s love letters and romance advances toward him.

“I’m saying this again. I’m busy! Leave.”

Niffty sang at the top of her lungs as she twirled forks and knives in her hands.

“I’m free and ready, so we can go steady…”

“Niffty,” he warned, flipping the jumbo mixture.

“How about savin’ all you time for me.”

“How about when I initiate your punishment?”

Niffty wasn’t fazed.

“No more lookin’, I know I’ve tooken, hows about keeping steady company?”

“The company…outside the door!” he emphasized.

“I’m gonna throw my date book over the fence

And find me one for five or ten cents

I’ll keep it ‘til it’s covered with age

Cause I’m writin’ down your name on ev’ry page…”

Alastor was feeling uncomfortable and a little creeped out.

“Keep your creepy notes and stories to yourself, darling. Now, get out.”

Alastor snapped his fingers and shot balls of magic at her. Niffty dodged them all.

She then finished up the song as fast as her body carried her. Her face was now full of excitement and fear.

“Say hey good lookin’, whatcha got cookin’…”

A fury of knives missed her by several inches, the utensils had flow toward her in red auras.

“How’s about cookin’ something up…”

She jumped out of the way before Alastor’s staff broke a window where she had been moments before. Not even Alastor’s radio static could drown out the upbeat music and Niffty’s singing. This was getting annoying fast.

“How’s about cookin’ something up…”

Alastor roared in anger and caused tentacles to appear through portals, Niffty dodging each one and swinging from a few more. The tentacles slashed around like living whips, causing the plates and glasses nearby to crash to the floor. Niffty lifted a stunned Alastor up with utter joy before he freed himself with a loud growl. She took Alastor’s hand and spun herself around, imagining them to be dancing  among the stars.

“Touch me again and you die!”

She dodged Alastor’s hand, which accidentally touched the burning hot pan. He led out a yowl of pain.

“How’s about cookin’ something up…for meeeeee!”

Niffty spun through the air as she held onto the last note. She took a handful of gray stuff, gunpowder and threw it into the air like confetti. She jumped into Alastor’s arms, causing him to drop the stirring spoon he was using. She was abruptly dropped to the floor just after she finished the note. The gunpowder fell into the jambalaya mixture and…

KABOOM!

The meal had exploded right into the Radio Demon’s face. The jambalaya mixture was now blackened and ruined. His face was covered in dark gray soot, eyes closed.

Niffty stared in fascination. “Oh, so that’s how your jambalaya nearly killed your moth…”

Alastor’s eyes snapped open, small red pupils surrounded by black sockets.

“…er,” she finished, frozen in fear.

From outside the kitchen, Angel Dust, Vaggie, Husk, and Charlie could hear the sounds of banging, crashing and even cat screeches. They all stared at each other, worry on their faces.

With a thundering blast, the kitchen doors ripped off from their hinges, sending a smoldering Niffty backward with them. Niffty and the doors crash landed in a lit fireplace. Wood pieces and smoke briefly moved through the air before everything settled.

“The fuck just happened?” Husk asked.

“An angry strawberry daddy, that’s what happened,” Angel mentioned.

“I knew that show-host bitch of a son was trouble,” Vaggie said.

“Don’t ya mean “son of a bitch?” Angel asked.

“That puts the women as the bitch and let’s the son get away with it!”

“Weirdo.”

Charlie led the way toward Niffty. “Are you alright?” she asked, leaning lower to get a closer look. The others stared. Niffty weakly pushed a broken part of a door from her face and walked out of the fireplace like it was no big deal.

“I’m okay,” she said, half-dazed.

“How are you still alive?” Husk asked.

“Well I’m technically dead already so…”

A dark figure with radio dial eyes stood in the open blasted doorway.

“Let’s see how well you can clean up this mess, darling…without your hands.”

Niffty gulped. “Oh whelp, I just remembered I have another dress to make. Gotta go, bye!”

She dashed away, leaving the others confused.

II "Overlord Life" 

Alastor and Rosie go off to kill demons and make sinners obey their orders

The song is similar to Moxxie and Millie’s murder love song but more business/platonic

(Alastor) “You ready, dear?”

(Rosie) “Aren’t I always, Alastor?”

They walk outside beside each other along Pentagram City.

(Rosie sings) “What can we accomplish today?”

(Alastor sings) “There are pranks to pull, and sinners to slay?”

(Rosie sings) “Oh, but I need a perm, sharper nails, new dress…”

(Rosie spots a random demon)

(Rosie speaks) “Hey, go away!” (She bares her teeth, eyes glowing and the demon turns to ash)

(Alastor steps to the side, arm out like a gentleman)

(Alastor sings) “By all means, lead the way”

(They enter the Barber Chop)

(Rosie sits as she removes her hat and gets her light colored hair done by demons with scissor hands)

(Rosie sings) “Just a few highlights…oh the purple is too much…”

(Barber touches Alastor’s tufts/ears)

(Alastor sings and growls) “If you know what’s good, don’t touch!”

(Barber runs away)

(Rosie steps up to the counter)

Demon with ax head:  “That’s 200 souls”

(Alastor sings) “Ha! No way. Not today.”

(Rosie sings) “Your soul should be sufficient pay.”

(Alastor stabs the demon who screams)

(They walk out of the shop)

(Alastor sings) “Ugh, I’m so bored”

(Rosie sings and smiles) “There’s no reason to be when you’re an overlord.”

(Alastor) “Hell’s a stage, just for me”

(Rosie) “Being influential sure is loads of fun”

Brief flash: both of them transform into their full demon forms: Alastor with red dial eyes and large antlers and Rosie floating in the air surrounded by pink energy. They scare and kill demons as they laugh. They go back to regular forms and have coffee together by a lake filled with demons with crocodile heads.

(Rosie sings) “When you can put up a pretty façade”

(Alastor sings) “Or when you have dark strength of a god”

(Rosie sings) “Life at the top is hectic, sure”

Alastor sings) “But not when demons make way for us, I assure”

(Flash as Alastor and Rosie’s faces sing in a background of musical notes and splatters of blood)

(Alastor sings) “I can hear the jazz and the melodic screams”

(Rosie sings) “Let’s prepare our schemes and pursue our dreams”

(Alastor sings) “That has great appeal. So then it’s a deal?”

(Green surrounds Alastor)

(Rosie) “No.”

(Both sing on a stage with flames in the background. Rosie smiles beside Alastor as they sing into their microphones.)

“High levels of praise and power

Sinners flee and brave ones cower

Down in Hell there’s no race to run

When you know you’ve already won

(Brief flashes of Alastor making deals with demons in green light, their souls later being taken away by shadow spirits)

(Both sing) “With just a deal or demand

All of Hell at your command”

(Brief flash of Alastor toppling previous Gnostic demon overlords, instilling radio towers all around Hell. Rosie making demons sew her clothing and cheer for her on stage)

(Both sing) “Toppling enemies for land

Have you ever lived a life so grand?”

We’re the bringers of suffering and strife

Fools and jerks fall under the knife

Here down below, is where you’ll know

That’s the overlord life”

Alastor and Rosie dance on stage, Alastor twirling Rosie around as the background fades to flames and black before going back to Pentagram City)

(Rosie sings) “Just don’t go over into Vox’s place…it has wire traps, brainwashing and little space ”

(Alastor sings) “A techno, with a big ego, such an utter disgrace”

(Flash of Lucifer, Lilith and Charlie standing on their balcony, the wind blowing their blonde hair gently, all three with stoic expressions.)

(Rosie sings) “And never disobey royalty. Your second life depends on your loyalty.”

(Alastor sings) “I suspect their family lore, and I desire more”

(Rosie sings) “Drinks, fun, murder galore? Or watching Exterminations from behind a locked door?”

(Alastor sings) “Well, all those things, plus jambalaya from the store. You’re never fully satisfied, even as an overlord.”

(Both sing)

“High levels of praise and power

Sinners flee and brave ones cower

Down in Hell there’s no race to run

When you know you’ve already won

“With just a deal or demand

All of Hell at your command

Toppling enemies for land

Have you ever lived a life so grand?

“We’re the bringers of suffering and strife

Fools and jerks fall under the knife

Here down below, is where you’ll know

That’s the overlord life”

(Rosie sings) “I work at my emporium”

(Alastor sings) “And I at the auditorium”

(Rosie sings) “Scrutinizing those who fall below”

(Alastor sings) “Always ready to put on a show”

(Roise sings) “Dress to impress”

(Alastor sings) “The best of the best”

(Both sing) “That’s the overlord life!”

(Rosie sings) “Don’t let your ego get to your head”

(Alastor sings) “Why shouldn’t I, as I’m already dead?”

(Rosie sings) “We have power and we seem scary, but there are powerful beings out there, be wary”

(Flashes to the faces of Lucifer, Lilith, Helsa, Sir Pentious, Valentino, Vox, Stolas, a black spider overlord and a dragon demon)

(Alastor sings) “Oh there’s so much more to this”

(Rosie sings) “Do tell me, what have I missed?”

(Alastor sings) “A beautiful girl, a charming demon belle…that very princess resides at the Hazbin Hotel.”

(Rosie sings) “That building of junk, full of outcasts and gunk? I imagine the stench there, worse than a skunk. A princess has business in such a place…wow.”

(Alastor sings) “So who has the big ego now? You can stay for free, it’s all on me. I’m kind of an owner there, you see.”

(Alastor sings) “I livened up the place, don’t judge it from the outside. My associates Husk and Niffty took their roles in stride. It’ll be entertaining to watch those sinners fail, and more so to befriend and mess with Charlie as well!”

(Rosie sings) “Swinging with Big Apple’s daughter? Are you dashing to the slaughter? Flirt or hurt, no one messes with her father. You’ll know what Mimzy’ll say. ‘Have you lost your mind?’ Lay a finger on her and he won’t be so kind.”

(Alastor sings) “Rosie, Mimzy, Niffty, Charlie…you all mean so much to me.  I’m a man with a plan that only I understand. Bedazzle Charlie long enough and watch her take my hand. I make new friends, I’m entertained, the hotel gets a great rate, demons take the bait, accept their fate, and soon it’ll be too late.”

(Rosie sings) “I know you’re very clever, but some ties should not be severed. You want the throne, power you thirst…unless some other demon gets to it first. There are things more valuable than a pearl…do not trade our friendship for that of a little girl.”

(Alastor sings) “There’s something about her, though I know I’m not in love. She has pyrotechnic powers and thoughts from up above. She sings and dances with a pure heart. Her very presence is a work of art. She’s older than me but that doesn’t matter. There are some with powers to make reality shatter. She even cares for those who first meet her. If she can cooperate, I might not have to eat her.”

(Rosie sings) “Conflicting feelings in you, for good or bad. Be reasonable and appreciate the live you’ve had. Do what you will, as an overlord would, but pursuing a reckless route might not be so good. Mimzy’ll say, ‘he’s a crazy dapper deer. Sliding up to ladies and making things disappear. Pizzazz with jazz, and a smile on his face. One big mistake and even he’ll know his place.’”

(Alastor sings) “My friends are of great use and joy in my day, but I don’t have to listen to what others have to say. I’m a radio host, myself I love most, and life gets better when I’m free to boast. You’ve been kind, my dear dame but I must get going. My thoughts and tactics flowing, my broadcasts showing. I’d love to hang with you and Mimzy again. Perhaps a killing spree for three, cause other overlords pain? Don’t get jealous of my friends, you’re all the same to me: beautiful, funny, and amazing as can be! Summoning monsters, shadows, or just humming when bored, afterlife is heaven since I’m an overlord.

(in radio voice) “To others I say, stay out of my way, be in my good graces and put a smile on those faces. Hope you enjoyed this song, even if it was long. You will be seeing more of me soon. Until then…stay tuned.”

                            III  "Dark Side" (Muse)

Something was terribly wrong.

Charlie couldn’t figure out what it was exactly, but judging from the way the red Hell sky occasionally flickered to the light blue sky seen on Earth, she knew it wasn’t good.

Before this mysterious phenomenon occurred, Charlie had successfully managed to redeem one of the demons, getting him off nicotine and derailing him from porn sites after many months. The demon was a gray spider demon, former ally of a spider overlord in Lucifer’s inner circle. He looked up toward the heavens and begged for forgiveness. He had been a French trader who scammed other people in his pursuit of greed. He could briefly recall when he gave in and followed Napoleon’s orders to murder innocent civilians during the Revolution.

The gray spider stared at a holographic image of his potential angel self: a white and black sheep with a cute face, with angel wings, a halo and a nice suit.

“Thank you, princess,” he said. “How can I repay you for letting me stay at the hotel for so long?”

“Just be yourself and don’t forget to spread love and kindness to those you meet. Good luck!”

After the demon was engulfed in light and sent upwards, a voice spoke:

“This demon will be judged at the lower Gates of Heaven and further inspected. Access will be granted if he meets all our expectations. He’ll be sent back down, otherwise.”

Charlie winced inwardly. Based on what her father had told her, Heaven’s standards were strict, if not nearly impossible to meet. Going to Heaven was similar to applying for an elite university. Only a few were lucky enough to get in.

Still, that didn’t stop Charlie from trying her hardest. She preferred to think of it as helping a criminal or outcast slowly get accustomed to the larger society.

She opened the stained glass door of the hotel and walked outside.

What she saw was…very peculiar.

Up in the sky, standing in rows like alert soldiers were the very creatures that Hell had been taught to fear the most: the Exterminators.

There they stood, dark feathery wings keeping them aloft. There were harpoon spears in their talon-like hands, their faces black with sinister grins on them and xs over their right eyes. Horns stood out from their heads.

Charlie gasped aloud. What were they doing here when it wasn’t Extermination Day? Already, several demons in the streets began to cower and flee.

Just then, she saw two figures facing each other in the air. The first was her father, Lucifer. He hovered in the air, being held by six black conjured wings surrounded by red auras.

“Oh blimey, it’s you,” he said in a low voice as he flew in front of him.

“Michael,” he stated, indifferently.

“Luci,” said the man.

His angel brother was flanked by two strong Exterminators. He had the same pale face as Lucifer, with red blushes on his cheeks. His eyes were silvery gray unlike Lucifer’s yellow and sometimes red eyes. While Lucifer’s hair was short and blonde, Michael’s blonde hair was tied back in a long ponytail. Lucifer’s suit was white with red lines decorating the rims. Michael’s suit was light blue, over his tan long pants.

“What brings you here to my inferno abode?” Lucifer asked. His sharp grin was wide but his eyes revealed antagonistic feelings toward him.

Or…could it have been a hint of sadness?

“Haven’t checked on you for the last few centuries or so. Wanted to see how insane you got with being stuck here.”

Lucifer scoffed. “I’m quite enjoying it here, thank you very much. Everyone answers to me. No one to tell me what to do or how to think.” He leaned in slightly. “No one to pester me around while they laze around being the Big Boss’ new favorite. And stop messing with the bloody sky already!”

“I beg your pardon, but I feel my role as God’s right hand was well-earned,” he said. “Somebody had to step in after you decided to attempt to overtake His throne.”

“It’s not my fault I wanted some actual freedom to be myself and try to make others see reason. Heaven would’ve been a true paradise without any of the laws…or the favor toward man.”

“You know God has his reasons...even if it involved favoring mankind over us angels.”

“Lousy reasons at that! Why put so much work into creating such a feeble-minded species with no powers or beauty or as much status as an angel. We’re the superior species.”

“And yet, we cannot reproduce,” Michael said. “There is much we can learn from those made in His Image.”

“Bah! I can and I did. Now I have a wife and a lovely daughter. I bet your old virgin mind couldn’t even conceive of that!”

“Luci…”

“It’s Lucifer,” he added.

“Luci…I haven’t come here just to bicker with you. I have come on His orders and to satisfy My Lord’s curiosity.”

The sky briefly changed to light blue, the Heaven/Earth version before jumping back to red.

“Curiosity? What could “He” possibly be curious about?”

“Don’t use His name in vain. Anyway,” Michael began, clearing his throat.

“Your daughter…Princess Charlotte, right?”

“Yes, but she goes by Charlie. Makes her appear like a common boy.”

“Yes, whatever. Apparently, Heaven’s spies…”

“You brought spies down here?!”

“Let me finish, Luci…yes, they’ve been down here all this time. You know. Vaggie, the former Exterminator? Molly, the pink spider demon who’s not actually a demon at all? And the ones I got the news about I.M.P. and the hotel from…the lovely C.H.E.R.U.B. workers.”

“You mean those singing sheep and the creepy cherub baby who sing about saving lives on TV?”

“Those are the ones!” He beamed proudly.

“I.M.P. is always better. At least the imps don’t give me nightmares.”

“Heh. And here I thought you were my older brother.”

“Shut up.”

“Now your daughter has created this so called Happy Hotel to redeem sinners, correct?”

“A ridiculous idea, but yes.”

“Well, she appears to want to redeem demons so they can go to Heaven. Problem is…we don’t let just anyone in. Especially those who commit traitorous acts like someone I know.” He let out a series of “Luci” between coughs.”

“That was Satan!” Lucifer said.

“But you and Satan were once the same, if I can recall. He’s a threat to us and all the worlds. He must not be let out without restraints.”

Lucifer nodded. “If I had remained fused with him, I would’ve killed my loved ones and tortured half of the population. He’s now stuck in ice in the Ninth Circle. ”

“Which was the original point of Hell to begin with,” Michael said. The Exterminators nodded.

“Then why it is such a glorious place of chaos...where sinners have access to power, drugs and anything they want?”

“Ask the elusive V, the mother of God. How should I know? Anyway, that’s why I came here.”

Lucifer narrowed his eyes. “I warn you, Michael. If you touch Charlie or try and harm my family…”

His eyes burned red. “Then not even God will be able to save you from the pains I’ll inflict on you.”

“Enough with that pathetic voice,” he said. “I’m immortal.”

“No. You can just live a long time and not age, like me,” Lucifer replied.

“God could destroy you for treason.”

“Not if Charlie unlocked her powers first,” Lucifer thought.

“Destroying his own children? Way to be Father of the Year.”

Michael ignored his remark. “Charlie’s plan seems to be working in redeeming demons. It’s her way of saving them from our Exterminators. Unfortunately, God doesn’t like change too much. He believes that Exterminators are necessary to keep demons in their place and prevent them from becoming a threat. Hell is vast enough as it is. Too many people could led to invasions, a rapid spread of evil. I mean, diseases much be contained and killed off, even if one cannot kill them all, right?”

Lucifer bared his teeth. “You dare compare us to viruses?!”

“Sickness. Vermin. Imperfect spawn. That’s what you all are. Nothing but a bunch of monsters too involved in their own personal greed to even realize the filth they stand in.”

“And they say Heaven is full of “good perfect people.” Lucifer growled. “What does one call a paradise that’s polluted by ignorant assholes with chicken wings and floating circles over their heads?”

Michael growled, eye twitching, as the brothers stared each other down. Lucifer summoned his Morning Star weapon at the same time Michael summoned Excalibur.  

“Oh and just so we’re clear,” Michael added. “Classical music is the best genre of all.”

“You fucking dumbshit,” Lucifer replied. “Polka is the best kind of music.”

“You have no taste at all, brother,” Michael said.

“You listen to poetic hymns and I bet you can’t even dance!”

‘Well. Let’s dance, then!”

Both their weapons hummed with magic.

“You wanna go, right now?” Lucifer asked. The snake on his white top hat hissed.

“My pleasure, Apple Anus.

“Don’t hold back, Blueberry Bitch.”

“Honey, don’t! You’ll destroy the world!”

Lilith had her hands on his shoulders and was staring hard at him. “You lost to him once before…”

“Don’t remind me!” he yelled.

One of the Exterminators pulled Michael off to the side and whispered into his ear. Recognition came onto his face. “The objective. Right.”

Michael cleared his throat. “I am willing to let your daughter continue her operation of the Happy Hotel to redeem sinners.”

Lucifer stared confused. “Wait, really?”

Michael’s weapon vanished.

“Put it away,” Lilith said.

Lucifer sighed and his weapon vanished in red sparks.

“Who knows?” Michael added. “If she can make life a better place for everyone, then nothing shall stand in her way.”

“Oh. I’m surprised. I thought you were gonna, ya know, send an army after the demons after the overlords got outta control and power-hungry. Since doing so would result in unwanted demons entering Heaven, thus resulting in more confli…”

Michael grinned a sharp grin. “There is a catch.”

Lucifer sighed. “Of course there’s always a catch.”

“All sinners will be transformed back to their previous human forms, with activities to precede as normal. They will have the chance to prove themselves worthy…without powers.”

Everybody gasped.

“What?!”

“Hey, I was just getting to the added benefits part. Exterminators will kill every other year instead of every year and the really bad denizens will be given doses of Covid 19. Everybody wins…and dies!”

“No powers?!”

“Yes, are you deaf, brother?”

“Are you blind?!” Lucifer replied. “There are overlords who won’t be pleased with their abilities taken away. I mean, a Hell without citizens who look like animals or semi-human? Ones who can’t transform into Super Demons at will? Preposterous! Our abilities are who we are. It would be…well, unimaginable Hell.”

Michael tsked. “A Hell that should’ve been made in the first place! One with suffering humans in the various circles who are stuck there forever until either they repent or until they reach the end of their time.”

“BUT THIS IS MY REALM!” Lucifer yelled. “I created this world so the commoners could do what they want and experience freedom from all rules...save for mine and those in higher power, of course. Smoking, drinking, porn, killing, the bottomless pit’s the limit!”

“Rules which are there for a reason,” Michael added. “Hence why sinners can’t reproduce.”

Lucifer laughed. “Doesn’t stop all the fan art from saying otherwise.”

“What’s fan art?” Michael asked.

“Ya don’t wanna know,” he sighed. “As much as I’m proud and surprised at Charlie for trying to change the world…and breaking some rules…Hell must not change. The show must go on.”

“Yeah, sure,” Michael said. “Hypocrite. If Heaven will have to deal with drastic changes, then you bet your bottom dollar that Hell will, too. Charlie’s powers will remain with her under supervision. You and Lilith may or may not get to keep your powers depending on your behavior. That’s it.”

“Why is that? Why spare Charlie?”

Michael’s eyes shined. “Everybody loves Charlie! She’s been the attention between several of her friends. A gray moth girl and a red deer demon, and a green snake guy, from what I’ve heard. Must be hard being stuck in a love triangle. Plus, I wanna see what my niece is like! She’s only like, 200 years old right? I’ve always wanted to sing with my family! I’ll bring Gabriel, Uriel, and Raphael to visit.”

“You have no family,” Lucifer smirked.

“And you have no life.”

“Just leave us and my daughter alone and I’ll think about it.”

“Alright, procrastinator,” Michael said. He twirled a cane with a blueberry top that had appeared in his hands.

“So, it’s a promise then?” he asked, holding out his pinkie finger. Wind blew and light spirits swirled around him.

“Ya don’t take shit from other angels,” Lucifer replied, slapping his hand away.

“Aw man,” he sighed.

“That’s what you get from stealing Alastor’s line.”

“I didn’t steal his line. Whoever he is. I said “promise,” not deal.”

“Ok, Boomer.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“You’re older than me, Luci.”

“Then I guess you’re a baby Boomer, then. My bad.”

“You’re all fucking Boomers!” yelled a demon from below.

“Shut up!” yelled the brothers.

Michael sighed. “Enough if this nonsense. Exterminators, initiate the Purification Person Project!”

The Exterminators aimed their spears at the denizens below. Flashes of white light rained down on the streets, the buildings, and the people. For the imps and hellhounds, the light was blinding and annoying. But it didn’t do anything to them, so they continued on with their daily lives of plundering, looting, and killing.

For the sinners though, it was another story. They writhed in pain and stared in horror as their demonic bodies fell away…the shadows revealing…

“Human flesh? What the fuck is this?” asked one demon.

“Am I supposed to…eat myself?” asked another.

“I don’t wanna be a cannibal,” cried a third as his horns vanished. “Oh wait, I already am.”

“My powers…they’re leaving me!”

Charlie covered her mouth with her hand. “Dad! My people are suffering, do something!”

Lucifer yelled and flames surrounded his body.

“Somebody please stop him,” Michael ordered.

Some of the Exterminators charged at Lucifer, but the king blasted them all back with barrages of fire. He was going to need extra time to conjure a magical sigil...his own sigil to return the demons back to normal.

“You miscreants are trapped! Lost in a Matrix of brimstone!” Michael called. “Behold your true forms. Hear the truth! Thanks to your princess, you now know there is hope! There is a way to escape this illusion of matter and darkness. Embrace the light and set your spirits free. Surrender to God’s will though redemption and embrace your new angel forms! Or you can eventually perish in a second death or whatever.”

“I knew it!” Charlie declared. “There are rainbows inside very demon. They were formerly human…and their spirits still are! How could I have missed that?”

At a time when the world wouldn’t be falling apart, Charlie would’ve danced around and sang a song about meeting humans for the first time.

Charlie ran into the hotel, then gasped at what was happening to her friends.

Vaggie spotted her though the pain and shock, then ran over and hugged her. She was no longer the old Vaggie. She was a dark brown-skinned Hispanic woman with black hair and a brown eye. She wore her same clothing of a gray tank top shirt with xs on them and stripped leggings.

“What’s happening, my love?” she asked, shuddering.

Charlie hugged her tighter, tears running down her face. “I don’t know. Our world is falling apart…and it’s all my fault!”

They let go.

“Of course not,” said Vaggie. “You’re the…urgh…the one who has seen the best in all of us. If anything, you’re doing your part in saving us. If we go down, we go down together.”

“Just seeing you in your former form, just….wow. Beautiful just the same.”

“I won’t give up,” Charlie assured. She kissed her girlfriend on the lips.

Vaggie blushed. “This blasted curse is breaking my heart. And frankly, so is the fact that you and him of all people…”

Charlie gasped. “That’s right! I have to go find Alastor.”

“Ow. Why?”

“I have to find someone who’ll go down with me if this world ends!”

She ran off.

Vaggie yelled. “For fuck’s sake! Why don’t you ever listen to me?! He’s an evil son of a…”

Charlie turned the corner, ignoring her friend’s scream and saw…Angel Dust? 

He was wearing the same pink and white suit, pink gloves and high boots.

“My arms are gone! They’re fucking gone!”

“Uh Angel, you have two of them right there!”

Angel, with his white hair and white skin stared at his two muscular arms.

“How can I live my life with four missing limbs?”

“Well...you did before, right?”

“But I haven’t seen this form since…well…”

“You died from Angel Dust?”

Angel sighed, his body briefly twitching as little streams electricity bounced off of it. “Fuck this sudden curse! Ow! …Well that’s one way to put it. Me, a self-inducing drug who made me want more of the high life. Even when people called me a low life homo. The irony is that I’m Angel but not an angel. And my…argh… sister Molly isn’t even a demon.”

“You’re philosophical now?”

“Nope. Just saying my thoughts owww…t loud.”

“Is she an angel?”

“I don’t know.”

“Or maybe she’s a Zoophobian?”

“The fuck is that?”

“It’s…uh…”

She glanced around and saw a white skinned man with dark hair and a beard, drinking a bottle of booze. He had no wings and no clothes. A short Japanese woman with two eyes, light brown skin, black hair, a white shirt stained with pink paint drops and a pink skirt stared intently at him.

“Husk…Niffty…hi.”

They both glanced up.

“I missed this form!” Niffty squealed. “I’m taller now!”

She then winced in pain. “Why does…this keep happening? Ouch. I think I’m not as fast as I used to be…”

“Well…ow… I guess that means I can’t fly,” Husk replied, uncaring. He grit his teeth at the random spasms that flowed through him. Niffty got to work cleaning the area.

Charlie dashed outside and saw more people turn into humans. Katie Killjoy, turning into a blonde haired woman, Tom Trench as a white man with black hair, Baxter as a short man with black hair, glasses and wearing a white lab coat.  There was Mimzy who had blonde short hair, white skin, green eyes, and wore the same flapper dress over her thick hips and breasts. Sir Pentious, now a tall slender white man with long black hair and a goatee was arguing with Cherri Bomb, now a human with white skin, blonde hair dyed pink and an Australian accent. All of them were arguing before they doubled over in pain.

Finally, Charlie spotted Alastor who was sitting on a bench, staring at his hands. He wore the same red dress coat but he looked totally different. His skin was light brown, his hair short and brown. His eyes were brown and analytical. Small round glasses were on his face. 

She sat next to him.

“Charlie, my dear!” he said, wearing his usual smile. Though somehow it appeared strained. He growled “ow,” when magic flowed through him…not his usual dark magic but light magic. His microphone staff had turned into an actual metal microphone, an old fashioned one that he had carried around when he was alive.

Charlie stared wide-eyed at Alastor’s lanky form: the light brown face, the nerdy look, thin chin, large grin.

Alastor spread out his hands. “Like what you see?”

Charlie blushed and giggled, despite herself.

Alastor and the other sinners were growing weaker by the minute. Alastor snapped his fingers several times and to his horror, they did what any other fingers do when they touched each other and let go...

…Briefly made a noise.

“I can’t believe it!” he said in an angry voice. “My granted powers taken. I was this close to making you my slave and taking over all of Hell…”

“WHAT?!”

Alastor stared, eyebrow raised. “What’d I say? It’s…owww! It’s true. Darn unpredictable sharp pains.”

He continued, catching his breath, “Everyone would’ve loved going to the Hazbin Hotel…”

Charlie gasped, entering her demon form. “Wait, you changed the name of it?!”

“…and only to arrive there and…arrrugh… witnessing themselves fail right in front of me. Just think of all the fun I could’ve had touching everyone and getting you on my side by clever manipulation.”

“Vaggie was right all along about you!” Charlie exclaimed. “You’re a sick, sinister, shady sack of…songs. I gave you a second chance and you ruined it!”

“Well technically not, since this world is…ouch…going into a Hell and a handbasket! Hahaha!” 

“Pathetic joke once again. I’m surprised you’re not homeless.”

Alastor imagined himself telling bad jokes on the streets for $1, then Angel Dust yelling “Your Mom gay!”

“I’m gonna kill him.”

“Kill who?” she asked.

“Nobody.”

Charlie made a mental note to alert the serpent-like demon named Nobody about the danger he was in.

“Alastor…” Charlie began, staring with worry at the screaming sinners and chaos everywhere.

“Yes, sweetheart?” he asked with a wince.

“I have one question for you.”

“Yes?”

“You’re an evil dealer who kills and eats people…and flirts with other ladies for entertainment. May I dance with you?”

“Don’t need to ask twice, darling.”

Alastor took her hand and they began to do a slow romantic dance. Both of them sidestepped a random dead demon body. Jazz music poured from Alastor’s microphone, creating a special separate world just for them. He winked at her and she leaned in closer. He would occasionally groan in pain, which kind of ruined the romantic mood.

“I have a dream,” she sang.

“You wish to tell,” he added.

“About a wonderful…”

“Laughable…”

“Fantastic new hotel,” she said. “Yes, it’s one of a kind…”

“An alarming demon bell!” Alastor gasped as the old cracked brown Slavery Bell on a nearby tower just blew up after an Exterminator shot a blast at it.

“How rude!” Charlie breathed. “Destroying historic landmarks like that.”

“It’s Hell, dear. Happens all the time.”

They both sang at the same time:

“Inside of every demon is a rainbow…”

“Inside of every demon is a lost cause…”

They both paused…and tried again.

“Inside of every demon is a rainbow…”

“Inside of every demon is a lost cause…”

They stared each other down and glared.

“Rainbow…”

“Lost cause…”

“Rainbow!”

“Lost cause!”

“Rainboooow!”

“Loooost cause!”

They both entered their demon forms and wrestled on the ground.

Charlie belted out a different line to ensure her victory as the proper main character:

“At the end of the rainbow there’s…”

“Crappiness!” Alastor interrupted.

“Shut up. And to find it how often I’ve…”

“Died!”

“Can you not?!”

“I can do a hangman’s noose,” Alastor said, showing her rope with a tied up circular end.

Alastor briefly hovered into the air along with the other sinners, a few feet off the ground.

“What’s going on?” she asked, her eyes suddenly filled with terror.

“They’re purifying us,” he said, strained smile still there. “If I have to die twice than so be it.”

“No, don’t say that!” she cried.

“Looks like I’ll be going to heaven, thanks to your plan. Angel Dust and the other will join me if we’re accepted.”

“But…but I’ll be all by myself!”

“Nonsense. You’ll have your family won’t you? And tons of other sinners.”

“But I want to be with you!”

“Which is why I’m never going up there. It’s overrated anyway.”

“Yay!”

“But…ahhhrrrgh! I’ll be stripped bare of what’s left of me…”

“Naked Alastor…” Charlie sighed.

“Don’t look at me like that!”

“Sorry. But before you go…”

She held onto his hand and he squeezed it tight. “Can you tell me what happened with you and your parents?”

His smile fell.

And it was at that moment that Charlie knew that Hell had frozen over…or perhaps over heated.

She covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh my Vivienne!”

Alastor growled, eyes red. “You saw nothing!”

“I know what I saw! Alastor never frowns.”

“It’s a sign of weakness I know…”

“No! There is nothing more courageous than admitting your weakness. Crying shows strength…and laughter even more strength.”

“I hope that beautiful smile never leaves your face,” he said. “Because I’d kill anyone to ensure that you and I and all our friends are happy.”

Charlie hesitated. “But…the slavery part?”

“You all will be happy mindless zombies with my magic…”

Charlie wagged her finger. “If you had any.”

Alastor lowered his head in shame, the glasses falling to the ground.

Charlie picked up the broken specs and handed them to him.

“You wouldn’t want to know…my mom being kind, my dad being cruel…me being bullied for being myself. Oh and don’t forget my radio host job…hurray for self-employment! And all the kills I made before…”

“Before you died?”

“I got mauled by dogs and got shot in the head. It was in a forest in New Orleans.”

“Can you tell me more?”

Alastor nodded and made a Bambi deer noise: “Baaaahh!”

“Oh dear that’s adorable!” she squealed.

Out of nowhere, a sad looking Razzle and Dazzle began playing Charlie’s piano.

Alastor sang to her as his life was slowly drained from him.

“I…have lived in darkness

For all my life, I’ve been pursued

You’d be afraid, if you could feel my pain

And if you could see the things I am able to see

Break me out, break me out,

Let me flee

Break me out, break me out

Set me free…”

His demon body faded in and out. Strangely enough, the demon bodies that flashed over the humanized sinners appeared to weigh them down.

“They have power,” Charlie thought. “But their bodies are prisons…maybe…Hell is a prison…”

“I…hail from the dark side

 For all my life, I’ve been besieged

You’d be scared, living with my despair

And if you could feel the things I’m able to feel

Break me out, break me out,

Let me flee

Break me out, break me out

Set me free…”

“Oh Alastor…” breathed Charlie, tears flowing from her eyes. She was tempted to give him a hug.

His words felt like a desperate plea.

“I promise, Alastor. I will free you from your demon form…unless you’re alright with it…and you’ll be free from your dark past. That’s why I made the hotel…to help sinners find their way.”

He reached out a light brown hand to her. Charlie strained to grab it. Their fingertips touched and their hands met.

“I love you, Charlie.”

“I love you too, Al,” she smiled. Both were teary eyed with strained smiles.

“Alastor…you’ll get to see your parents again!”

His eye slit up like an excited child. “Really? How do you know?”

“Vivienne said so.”

“Hopefully I won’t murder them if I lose my temper.”

Alastor yelled in pain. “Time for my last words. Here they are. You ready to hear them?”

Charlie nodded sadly, not letting go of his hand. Her smile fell and she sobbed.

“You’re never fully dressed without a smile.”

Charlie cried and felt something yank on her shirt.

Alastor smirked, “No really.” His eyes trailed down.

Charlie glanced down at her now bare chest, with only her bra covering her breasts. Angel Dust was laughing and waving her white shirt in the air.

“Vaggie’s gonna tear your limbs off!”

“Angel Dust was lifted up into the air by the force as well. “Not if this magic’s gonna do it fir…AHHHH!”

All the sinners hovered in the air, yelling against their will. Charlie’s and Alastor’s hands were separated.

“No! Charlie!” he yelled.

“Hey Charlie!” Michael called from above. “I’m your Uncle Michael. Pleased to meet you! Care to join me in Heaven after you unlock your angel powers?”

“Michael please don’t! Stop this!”

“Say au revoir to your filthy friends.”

Charlie closed her eyes and waited for the end. Even though she wouldn’t be harmed.

Lucifer yelled one last time and miraculously completed the sigil. The W shaped symbol glowed red and black and red beams of lightning counteracted the white lightning flashes from the spears. The demons slowly felt their previous bodies and powers returning to them.

The sinners were released from the white auras and landed back on the ground.

They all turned into their Super Demon forms, then back to their regular forms…passing out temporarily. The force of their transformations and yelling broke the harpoons in the Exterminator’s hands.

“Time to make some more,” they thought. “You know how much these things cost? How long it took for them to be forged? Sinners, these days.”

“This isn’t over, brother,” Michael said as he and the Exterminators flew through a portal back to Heaven. “See you on Judgement Day.”

Lucifer flipped him the bird. “Hopefully you all will be dead by then.”

“We need to talk…” Lilith said to him. “…in the bedroom.”

Lucifer gulped then cleared his throat. “An apple a day ensures fun will stay. I’ll be on top of the world.”

“I’m the seductive queen. You’re the apple king. We already know who’s on top,” she smirked.

“Yes?”

“You know the song, Apple Bottom Jeans?”

“No, not really.”

Then he registered what she was implying.

“Why you…Go fuck yourself!”

“Only if you watch me!”

“Gladly!”

All the sinners eventually woke up, with no memories of them being briefly human. But Charlie had seen enough proof firsthand.

It was time to get back to business.