C.H.E.R.U.B. Slice of Life

 

 

Several weeks before the events of Helluva Boss’ “C.H.E.R.U.B.”

 

Cletus, Collin and Keenie were hanging out with their families in the cloudy Cherub Towne in Heaven. After hugging their parents, they went for a flying stroll around the town. The buildings in Cherub Towne were curvy and decorated in pastel oranges, pinks, and blues. Greek pillars supported many of the buildings which were supported by clouds. No citizen was at risk of falling due to the angels all having wings. The structure, too, never fell as the clouds and area were enchanted to support a perfect peaceful, stable city.

 

Well…almost perfect. Beyond a wrought iron golden gate lay a sparkling city of teal green, reminiscent of the city in The Wizard of Oz. Holy City; the place where the elite angels and saints/former humans resided.

 

Even in paradise, cherubs were still the lowest of the low, like the imps were in Hell. Keenie and Cletus in particular often longed to go there to live a better life. Tired of being treated like cute gullible servants, Cletus formed C.H.E.R.U.B. as a way to spread love to humans, make ends meet, but mostly to prove themselves. It may have been less than legal for the cherubs to enter earth and influence human lives, but the three members thought it was a reasonable plan. After all, they were just spreading love and the word of God to the living world. Humans were made in His image, so what better way to show support than to bless the creations He loved so dearly?

 

Of course, many of the elite angels thought it was undignified that God would suddenly favor humans over his very first creations. Angels were immortal and perfect in every way…but they could not reproduce. Though no one went as far as Lucifer, they were still resentful. It was no wonder the Heaven-Born deemed former humans and the cherubs as nothing more than background characters in their spotlight-driven lives.

 

 

Only guardian angels or angels on special missions could interfere with the lives of humans. But that didn’t stop those three cherubs.

 

To many of the other cherubs, Cletus, Collin and Keenie were great friends, but also prone to rule-breaking. Collin was the most passive and kind-hearted of the group but was often a doormat as a result. Keenie prided herself on her appearance, niceness and charm. And Cletus was the leader; always doing nice things to later brag about it.

 

“Look what our company did today!” Cletus bragged. “Blessed twenty people in one week. Prayed for the lost and gave hugs to all our cherub friends. I think we’ll break a record of our fifty client number we served per week. How I’d love to earn more money soon!”

 

“Modesty is a heavenly virtue,” Collin had explained to them. “It’s unnecessary to boast about your accomplishments. Just do your daily duties like everyone else.”

 

“But what good is that if no one appreciates what we do?” Keenie had argued back. “Surely we’re just as worthy and mature as every other angel.”

 

“Another reason why I founded C.H.E.R.U.B. in the first place,” said Cletus. “If more people know of our beneficial actions,” Cletus added, “Then we won’t be pushed off to the side like invisible babies.”

 

Cletus sucked on a spiral rainbow lollipop in the air. Keenie smirked and leaned toward Cletus playfully. “Who’s the sweet little baby again?” she cooed, pinching his cheeks and batting her large eyes.

 

“Quit it, Keenie!” Cletus barked, shooing her away as she made kissing noises. “All of us are innocent. Anything too intimate is wrong.”

 

“I was just playing around,” Keenie flirted. “Besides, aren’t we like hundreds of years old?”

 

“Maybe we’re the same age as those young adult imps down below,” Collin answered.

 

“Who cares about them? I care about me…erm us,” Cletus finished, sliding back his short fluffy pink ginger hair. “Our company will eventually be known all throughout Heaven! Just think of all the good we could spread to Heaven and Earth!”

 

 

All the cherubs smiled in imaginative thought as they pictured themselves being loved and praised by the other angels.

 

“I wonder if I could eventually take Deerie’s place,” Keenie thought. “Then I could wean out all the bitches and heathens...”

 

“Hey, no swearing!” Collin cried, covering her mouth and looking around. Thankfully, no one else had heard her. Collin removed his cloven hand.

 

“What can I say? I’m a bit of a rebel,” she grinned with a shrug.

 

They flew onward and reached Christ Circle, a miniature town version of Times Square. Cute winged animal cherubs and a few child-like beings flew around carrying groceries, offspring, clothing and belongings. Some of the animals drove miniature flying cars to their destinations. Churches with stained glass windows were everywhere, many of them run by bi-pedal sheep. Several young deer children got to work cleaning a bronze statue that looked like a smiling Bambi. Fluffy yellow duck children wearing pastel colored bathing suits rolled around in small fountains that were spurting up from holes in the cobblestone ground. They laughed and splashed each other with water. Brown feathered mothers watched as they played, quacking, “No running!”

 

A small toy shop nearby, “E. Gull’s Joyous Creations” sold the famous “Gabriel’s Truth Telling Trumpet Toys ™” (That didn’t really force people to tell the truth), plastic harps, plushies of Jesus, balls, jacks, books and a lot of stuffed animals. A few wind-up lambs and lions slowly wondered along a counter, much to the delight of several young fox siblings. Several toys near the back had been hand-crafted by E. Gull himself, manifesting as friendly robots. His stores were found in many Halos and districts.

 

Collin briefly skimmed a plaque that read about the store founder:

“E. Gull. An eagle angel formerly a human who died in 1888 in the Industrial Revolution. Instead of using his machinery for evil and domination, he used his contraptions and toys in London to benefit the common-folk and aristocrats alike. Unlike his evil serpent counterpart Sir Pentious, E. Gull is modest, a bit insecure and prefers to keep to himself. But his technology has earned him a great place in Heaven among his fellow pre-human saints. He currently lives in a blimp with his serving robotic Nestling Eggs. He likes modern technology and soda and dislikes cats, tea and fads.”

 

“Oooh!” said Collin as he turned to the window and admired one of the trumpets on display.

 

“Oh no, Collin,” Keenie chided, pulling Collin away from the window. “You’re much too old for that stuff.”

 

“But we’re cherubs!” Collin protested. “We never grow up.”

 

“Figures. You’re always the baby of the group.”

 

“Am not! I believe I’m older than you. You’re not my sister.”

 

“And I’m not your baby-sitter. Now let’s go!”

 

Collin groaned as he was pulled away toward the leading Cletus.

 

They continued their walk, passing by the large honey factory. The building was white and gold with rainbows emitting from the tall smokestacks instead of pollution. Several hexagons of golden-orange glass appeared like honeycombs and hovered around outside the building. Several bees were working in their offices or in small labs, creating honey. The warehouse was full of bumblebee cherubs who were busy loading jars of honey into crates. A tall lady bee in a business suit and wearing a small black crown on her head, scrutinized the area, keeping careful watch. Collin waved happily to one of their fellow cherub friends, Honey. Honey waved back at him before focusing on work.

 

For the next stretch of their stroll, they discussed their families. All of them had grown up to families who instilled Christian views to them from a young age. The rules were simple: Love the Lord, do not sin, care for others and the community, and be sure to sing/play music well. (A unique unwritten rule existed in Heaven and Hell that required/encouraged all characters to be proficient or show an interest in musicals and the arts. No one could explain it, it was just natural for many to follow.)

 

Many organizations existed to promote different cultures and faiths: Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Paganism (no Satanism of course) and even atheism. Christianity was still the dominant faith though, similar to earth. Strangely enough, classism and discrimination still existed, though it was sugarcoated and easier to hide than on earth. But judgement was always there…even in paradise. C.H.E.R.U.B. could feel the subtle effects of it every day. Racism, sexism and homophobia were less of an issue than on earth. In Heaven, status was mostly based on one’s status as either Heaven-born or being formerly human, similar to sinners and Hell-born in Hell. Archangels were the higher class, similar to the Overlords in Hell. It was one of the few commonalities between the two opposite realms: the promise of more freedom and self-exploration in the afterlives.

 

And then there were some rules that many angels in Heaven did not follow. They were quite bizarre: avoid things like evolution theories, sex, swearing, rock music, Marxism, Tarot cards, Vox media, and strangers (mostly LGBTQ and promiscuous females according to the more conservative angels). All the different branches of religion existed in Heaven…and it became more complicated due to trying to maintain people from all walks of life…and time periods! No matter where one was, every civilization of beings fucked their partners, drank, sought after wealth and raised children their own way.

 

At the Divine Diner, Cletus snuck sips of Cloud Nine Wine from a nearby bottle while Collin and Keenie munched on glowing juicy fruit. It was so tasty that it made fruit on earth appear dry. The cherubs sat at a booth, looking at a dazzling orange sunset through the open window.

 

“Life can’t get any better than this,” Cletus sighed happily. He gazed at a menu that advertised all sorts of heavenly food: angel food cake, gold leaf casserole, angel hair pasta, pineapple pizza (gotta meet others’ needs), holy bread and wine, first fish, medieval roast beast, and several Passover-themed dishes.

 

“We are lucky,” Keenie agreed. “While we may not be the most appreciated, we can still spread love from our comfortable world!” She turned to Collin. “Crossbows still working?”

 

Collin briefly summoned his golden bow in his hand before vanishing it. “Always ready to go!” Like Moxxie, Collin specialized in holy weapons and like Millie, Keenie could create portals.

 

As they enjoyed the sunset, Collin slowly took hold of Keenie’s cloven hoof hand. Although she briefly looked at him in confusion, she had to admit that it felt…nice.

 

“Do you think our company will officially be endorsed by the Lord someday?” Cletus asked.

 

“We haven’t been disbanded yet,” Keenie said. “After you formed it, it was sponsored by our government. They make sure we don’t step out of line when we go to earth.”

 

“I thought going to earth was illegal,” Collin added.

 

“It technically is…” said Cletus, “but as long as we do our duty and don’t cause trouble, they allow it. They want more worthy people to go to Heaven and convert. I think they want to test us.”

 

“Right…” said Collin, unsure.

 

They stayed through the evening before flying back home. The cherubs sat in their respective rooms, with comfy beds, pictures of their families in cloud frames and elegant fountains with cupid figurines on top. Their PJs had halos and stars on them.

 

They soon slept soundly like…well, sheep. But what did they count in their sleep? Their blessings, of course!

 

0 0 0 0 0 0

Several days before the events of Helluva Boss’ “C.H.E.R.U.B.”

 

Cletus, Keenie and Collin lounged in their spotless office in a giant harp-shaped building. The skyscraper building with a golden harp and strings as part of the design was C.H.E.R.U.B. headquarters. An exhausted Collin sank back on a nearby sofa, massaging his cloven wrist after several hours of completing paperwork. On a nearby white board, “God loves you,” “Be a sheep, not a creep,” and “Live a Life of Love” was written in various colored marker. Keenie had written “Damnation to all demons” in cursive on one corner of the board. The ginger-haired Cletus drank quietly from a white mug that read “God’s Faithful Disciple Is Also Your #1 Boss.” Keenie fluffed up her yellow frilly dress and straightened her red hair bow.

 

Collin smiled and handed Keenie two white roses. Keenie smiled back and took them, thinking about how adorable Collin looked.

 

“Why…do I have to fill out…all the paperwork?” Collin asked between breaths as he rested.

 

“Because you’re the best at it and you’re also pretty much a wuss everywhere else,” Keenie replied with a grin. Collin’s face turned red.

 

“That’s n-n-not very nice,” Collin replied with a stutter. “I may have been a recorder of the faiths and sins of humans for a while but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get old fast…which it does!”

 

“Oh, stop it with your jittering,” Keenie replied with a roll of her large eyes. “Count yourself lucky that you’re part of a group dedicated to bettering the lives of those humans!”

 

“Indeed I am,” Collin said. He recited one of his favorite passages, one that he lived by daily:

“’Love means living the way God commanded us to live. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is this: Live a life of love.’” John 1:6 (NCV). I do love humans…Except when they’re mean and s-s-sinful and stuff.”

 

“Either way, it’s our job,” Cletus said as he slurped his mug of iced coffee. “Don’t forget about our recent assignment we completed.”

 

 

“Dolly Dolores was the woman that angel requested us to bless,” Keenie said. “Thankfully it was easy to do. She’s been donating to Evangelical churches all across the U.S. Now she will live a good life and be guaranteed access to Heaven!”

 

Cletus added, “And Samuel Hawkins, inventor of modern technology to help with inter-dimensional communication. We thought global communication on Earth was impressive enough. Now we can easily call and chat with anyone in Heaven, Earth or Hell…at least, God and a few elite can in regard to the inferior realms.”

 

Collin pondered. “Does that explain why Heaven commercials sometimes appear in Hell?”

 

Cletus nodded. “Yep! Gotta bring hope to family members, even to those who have sinned. One of his inventions, Vivoom (Our online Zoom communication) was sponsored by a technology demon named Vox. He was always a fan of V names.”

 

Collin looked uneasy. “Why have I heard that name before…”

 

“We angels are given lists of dangerous demons and their traits so we can briefly study them in case they decide to attack,” Keenie said. “Of course, they’d have to go through the Exorcists first; they wouldn’t dare. One shot from angelic weapons and they’re devil dust!”

 

Keenie rammed her fist against her palm.

 

“We also bless the poor, right?” Collin asked. “I don’t recall her being very nice to the homeless.”

 

 

“Not as often,” Cletus said. “Usually the ones we get requests for are white human males who are family members or role models for said angel client. Often times they’re famous…and sometimes stupid.”

 

“So…we can’t just go down and bless those who truly deserve it?” Collin whispered.

 

“Nope,” Keenie declined with a wave of her hoof. “A mission is a mission. Whoever our client says we need to bless, we do it. No matter how selfish or stupid they may be. It not only keeps our clients happy but it also (hopefully) encourages the human to do good so that one day, they may arrive here in Heaven, ready to love and cherish God. Thus our civilization can thrive and grow, and all those filthy demons down below can eventually meet their end in divine hands.”

 

Her eyes briefly glowed and small eyes appeared on her wings before she quickly returned to her regular self. She smirked at Collin’s fearful face.

 

Collin shivered. “I hate it when you go to your Angel Form.”

 

“You should try it sometime. All types of angels and demons can do it. Perhaps it’ll make you less of a soft coward.”

 

“D-don’t you call me a coward!” Then he added, “I don’t think that’s how it works. Only saints, sinners and the elite can fully transform.”

 

“Hmph. Says how much you know.”

 

“That’s enough guys,” Cletus spat at his employees. “You’re interrupting my contemplation of paradise and life.” Cletus stared at a picture on the wall of a smiling white man dressed in a white top hat with a gold cross on it. His eyes were obscured under his hat. A plaque down below read, “He watches us, always.”

 

“Is that God?” Collin asked.

 

“Who else would it be?” Cletus shrugged.

 

“Doesn’t look like him. Isn’t he just dressed up? Surely that’s not his true form.”

 

“You don’t know what his true form looks like,” Keenie said.

 

 

“Neither do you.”

 

“I don’t care what form he takes,” Cletus replied. “As long as we follow his Word and the Word of our Lord Jesus Christ, things will go smoothly. Remember what he said recently: “Surround yourself with people who’ll lift you up…’”

 

“’…so ditch the ones you cannot use,’” Keenie finished. “Makes sense to me.”

 

“Hold up!” Collin said, flying up in front of them. The other cherubs stood up and hovered in place. “I don’t think God would encourage us to ditch friends who won’t help us get to the top. He’d surely want all of us to love one another and live simple lives. Plus, that’s not even His actual quote! I read the Bible a bazillion times!”

 

“But it was explicitly stated on the sign,” Keenie argued. “With an orangeish face to prove it!”

 

“I think it was a prank,” Collin stated, crossing his arms.

 

“We’ve all learned that to glorify God, we must support and beautify our community,” Cletus explained. “Back in the 2000s, I founded C.H.E.R.U.B. on behalf of God to bless his favorite creation: man. Plus, even though we live in a comfy cloudy Cherub Towne, we still need to get by. Money is money. Extravagance and respect is our ideal.”

 

Collin narrowed his eyes.

“A pretentious, showy life is an empty life; a plain and simple life is a full life.” Proverbs 13:7

 

 

Keenie looked in approval at Collin.

 

He continued. “Technically, our Father hasn’t formerly endorsed our organization,” Collin reminded them. “In fact, I think it’s illegal for angels to interact with mortals unless it’s a divine mission or an emergency...”

 

“It’s always an emergency here!” Cletus declared, flying into Collin’s face, causing the periwinkle sheep cherub to flinch back, flying into a chair and knocking it over. Bobbleheads of Keenie and Collin spun around on the large white table as it briefly shook. Cletus quickly picked them up and put them in his large overall pocket.

 

Cletus blushed a bit as his companions gave him looks.

 

“Oh come on, Collin,” Keenie said. “We’re cherubs! No one would automatically suspect any lower-class citizens sneaking off to earth. That was also Cletus’ idea.” Cletus beamed with a thumbs up at Keenie and Collin.

 

“Besides,” Keenie added, “It’s only natural for us to want the best in Heaven. Recognition, money, wealth, glory. For our happiness will result in God’s joy.”

 

“Well…if you say so,” Collin said. Then he muttered, “But it still feels like greed…and if we were to get caught making a mistake…” He shuddered again.

 

“C.H.E.R.U.B. never makes mistakes!” Cletus declared. “It’s in our name: Cherishing Human Existence, Releasing Unlimited Blessings.”

 

“I don’t think that’s what the acronym…”

 

“No one cares what you think, Collin!” Keenie added, elbowing Collin who winced.

 

“Oh God, Keenie…”

 

“And don’t use His name in vain!”

 

“Enough!” Cletus bellowed. “Your petty arguments are getting us nowhere. For once, let a seasoned cherub have some peace and quiet!”

 

“Says you, whiny baby,” Keenie said. “You’re not even a proper animal cherub!”

 

“Oh yeah? Then what are those strange visible lumps on your chest, Keenie?”

 

Keenie briefly looked down at her breasts and turned light red. “So inappropriate, Cletus!” she seethed with a “baa.”

 

Cletus smirked. “I know, but you still got a kick outta that.”

 

“Oh, you want a kick? I’ll show you…”

 

 

Before Keenie could kick her companions in the groins (she was looking at Collin too), a large computer and screen on the table flickered to life. “Incoming call” was displayed on the screen as the Jesuskype (Jesus themed Skype) logo appeared. Cletus tapped the “accept” button.

 

A white sheep cherub named Rachel appeared on the light blue screen, a black cross necklace around her neck, her hands folded in prayer. The three cherubs stood in front of the computer screen and folded their hands. They did little respectful bows as signs of greeting.

 

“Greetings, fellow cherubs,” Rachel smiled. “How are you all today?”

 

“We’re doing good,” Keenie said, delighted to see their fellow friends.

 

Another sheep, Beau, appeared on the screen, licking a rainbow lollipop that had been grown like a tree. “Baaaack to work, I see?”

 

“The usual,” Cletus remarked, puffing out his chest in pride. “’Need someone to bless and love in the living world? Come to C.H.E.R.U.B.!’”

 

“You don’t need to memorize the words on our billboard, Cletus,” Keenie whispered in his ear.

 

“It never hurts,” Cletus whispered back before turning back to the screen.

 

Beside Rachel, two yellow and orange bumblebee angels appeared with smiles on their faces.

“Bea! Honey!” Collin exclaimed to the two bee angels. “How’ve you been?”

 

“Busy, busy!” Bea buzzed happily. “My siblings and I are flying to and fro to different heavenly flowers, making sure they stay pollinated and healthy.”

 

“And I work with a special group to create heavenly honey to help feed families,” Honey explained. “Every bee works in their own honeycomb section. We send the substances we make to our Queen Bee CEO for review and then it gets sent off to the other Halos (districts like the Hell Rings) for the denizens to enjoy.”

 

Cletus was glad he didn’t have to worry about any production or farm work. Although many cherubs enjoyed doing their services to the higher up saints and angels, it was still tedious (and not enough desired pay to begin with).

 

“Sounds very productive,” Collin mentioned.

 

“It keeps us on our wings, that’s for sure,” said Bea. “So happy to be able to meet with other amazing cherubs.”

 

“You ever feel lonely?” Collin asked.

 

“Sometimes,” Bea said. “I love my heavenly family a lot. One of my friends Bumble is a bee angel, a former human.” Bea leaned in and whispered, “I heard his cousins got sent to Hell. That’s why God won’t let him see them ever again.”

 

The cherubs gasped in horror, hooves and hands covering their mouths.

“How awful!” Keenie whimpered.

 

“It’s true,” Bea said, flying back. “Bumble told me that Stinger, Wasp, and Buzza turned into wasp and hornet demons in Hell! Stinger was a murder hornet…literally. Wasp was greedy and kept everything for himself, and Buzza? Well, she’s what many called, a ‘whore-net.’”

 

The cherubs gasped again…Beau fainted in Rachel’s arms. Rachel comforted her companion and laid her down on a cloud. She turned back to the camera and laughed nervously. “She’ll be fine, she’ll be fine.”

 

There was an awkward silence.

 

“Anyway,” Rachel said, “My boyfriend Jacob and I are doing alright. Interesting story: one of Jacob’s old friends decided it would be funny to test his shapeshifting abilities. His friend is a mighty lion named Solael who likes to carry little cherubs around. Anyway, this angelic lion transformed into a sheep and offered himself as a sacrifice to a bunch of royal guards. (This was so he, Jacob and myself could sneak into the palace and try to catch a glimpse of Metatron at work. Jacob’s a bit of a fanatic.) Any-who, the plan didn’t work very well and we were kicked out before we could reach the doors. Solael transformed back into his Aslan form and scared off the guards, allowing us to escape. Solael bellowed, ‘Behold! My revived and true form!’ He appeared to be poorly imitating Jesus to many bystanders. As punishment, Solael was made to turn invisible every time someone looked at him (though God and a few others could see him.) Thus, he’s not as prideful anymore.”

 

“Whoa,” said Cletus with a laugh. “And they say I’m full of myself.”

 

“Last I heard of Solael, he had solemnly stated, ‘I wish I could’ve worked as secretary for C.H.E.R.U.B.’”

 

Cletus, Collin and Keenie burst into laughter. “Likely story!” Cletus chortled, his halo swaying from side to side as he caught his breath. “Being invisible doesn’t allow you to keep a job!”

 

“Ah,” Rachel sighed in content. “Good times. Say, C.H.E.R.U.B., wanna hang out with us at Christ Circle in Holy City? The Laughing Lambs will be telling jokes.”

 

“Lame,” Keenie yawned. “And don’t get me started on all those bands that feature sheep and babies playing on harps and trumpets. Gets old fast.”

 

Rachel grinned. “For the edgier types, there’s the Seraph’s Wrath. They do rock music and White Metal, and they swear behind the curtain. Perhaps Jacob can smuggle in some Cloud Nine Wine for us.”

 

Keenie grinned, “I’m in!”

 

“Ooh, ooh!” Collin beamed, light purple eyes shining, pushing slightly in front of Keenie. “I can bring angel food cake and God-opoly! Or if you’re into cards, I have the classic Go Ichthys!” Then he said in a sing-song voice, “We could even do a sleepover!”

 

He looked at Keenie and blushed with a wink. The yellow winged sheep merely raised an eyebrow at his ridiculousness. Just then…

 

“Yeeeaaahh no! No, no, no.”

 

“Oh no!” Rachel groaned at the familiar voice, looking off to the side. “Deerie’s coming back!”

“Gotta look prompt, look prompt!” Bea exclaimed, going into a quick salute.

 

“Oh, her?” Keenie rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Naysayer doe-doe deer is just jealous of our many accomplishments.”

 

“She should write in her records, ‘C.H.E.R.U.B. saves mortals again, kicks the divine derriere of patronizing Deerie,’” Cletus said.

 

The other cherubs snickered.

 

“Rachel!” Deerie called. “Be sure you’re doing your rounds and not talking to those trouble-making wannabe sheep! Our reports must be perfect as usual. Wouldn’t want anyone, especially me to notice any slacking off, hehehehe!”

 

“Ahhh, we gotta go!” Rachel cried, her eyes wide. “Don’t want to make our other friend mad. Can you make it later? Saturday?”

 

“Saturday’s a holy day!” Collin said.

 

“Only for Jews,” Cletus said. “Sunday’s our holy day.”

 

“Sure it wasn’t Friday?”

 

“Collin…”

 

“We’ll do a sun-check,” Cletus replied.

 

“Don’t you mean rain check?” Collin asked.

 

Keenie slapped Collin in the face a few times as hearts briefly appeared in his eyes.

 

“May God bless you all! Goodbye!” Rachel called before the screen went blank.

 

The office was silent once more.

 

“That was…interesting,” Collin said, straightening his white bow tie. “Anyone wanna listen to my ‘Human Happiness Should Take Priority Over Our Material Benefits’ speech?”

 

“Get back to work, sheep!” Cletus and Keenie bellowed in response.

 

“O-okay…” Collin stuttered, sitting at the desk and rummaging through the last of the paperwork stacks.

 

“Don’t forget, we film our new commercial tomorrow,” said Cletus. “On Earth at 7:00AM sharp. Be prepared to sing our jingle.”

 

“And try not to get mauled by wild animals,” Keenie added.

 

Collin groaned, his head banging against the desk.

 

0 0 0 0 0

After “”C.H.E.R.U.B…

 

Cletus glared one last time at the imps. “This isn’t over!”

 

The cherubs summoned a colorful portal to Heaven and flew through it…but then were suddenly repelled back.

 

“What the?!” Cletus asked.

 

Five more cherubs came through the portal. Rachel, a white sheep, Beau, a gray sheep with a bow, Honey, a bee, and Bea, another bee. The four hovered with their hands in prayer. The last cherub, the leader, was a brown deer dressed in purple overalls, a lavender shirt, and a pink ribbon. Deerie conjured up reading glasses and a clipboard.

 

She spoke to the cherubs in a condescending manner. “Mmm, yeah, no sorry, Cletus, but I’m afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I’m afraid you can’t re-enter Heaven. Yeah, no…”

 

“What?!” cried the three C.H.E.R.U.B. members in disbelief. 

 

Deerie chuckled. “Yeah, mm, sorry. Yeah, no…”

 

“Is there anything we can do?” Collin asked with a whimper. Deerie filed her hoof before chuckling again. “Yeah, no! Oh no, no, no.” She then said “no” to Collin, Cletus and Keenie as she pointed her front hooves at them. All of them had tears in their eyes.

 

“Uh! But we didn’t mean to!” Keenie pleaded. “We never! It was all…”

 

She pointed down to the scaffolding where I.M.P. was, but they had already left for Hell. Keenie screamed in horror and her companions gasped, eyes wide.

 

Deerie just smiled, “Anyway, sorry guys. But those are the rules, yeah!”

 

She did a happy wave and a “Bye!” as she and her group of cherubs flew back up through the portal.

 

“Wait! But…” Cletus flew up toward the portal but it had already closed. Cletus sniffled, then cried a river of tears from his eyes. The other cherubs also broke down into sobs.

 

Cletus, Keenie and Collin broke down in heavy tears as they surveyed the area around them. The audience lay slumped and dead in their seats after being shot with arrows and bullets. Metal scaffolding lay bent and wrecked on the wooden stage where Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie were moments before. The former opera singer now lay dead and crushed underneath a stage light that had fallen on top of her. And underneath a broken piano lay the dead crushed body of Lyle Lipton, the elderly inventor they had tried to save.

 

The scene was eerie and empty. The nervous well-dressed piano guy had promptly fled the scene, traumatized after the events. And those accursed imps had jumped through a portal back to Hell in triumph.

 

As Cletus cried some more, fountains of tears sprung from his eyes. Keenie and Collin rushed in to comfort him. The trio had never felt so vulnerable before.

 

“I…I can’t believe this!” Cletus wailed. “We were so close to helping out that man…even though he was shitty and old…”

 

“Language,” chided Keenie.

 

Cletus continued. “We did everything right, but now we can’t get back through.”

 

“It’s not…completely your fault,” Collin said, putting a hoof on his leader’s back in comfort. “It was all an accident.”

 

Cletus raised an eyebrow at his comrade. “What do you mean ‘not completely?’”

 

“Well…” Collin began.

 

“You’re right, it was those imps’ doing!” Keenie interrupted, her white lacy wings flapping in frustration. “If only Deerie had seen what they were doing to us.”

 

The three took some deep breaths and sobs as they slowly calmed down. With a wave of his hand, their fancy dresses and tuxedos clothes were replaced by their regular outfits: reddish overalls for Cletus, a light blue shirt and white bow tie for Collin and a yellow dress for Keenie.

 

“What do we do now?” Collin asked, almost in a whisper.

 

“First thing’s first,” said Cletus. “We find a safe place to stay for a while. Who knows how long we’ll have to stay on Earth?” The others nodded in agreement.

 

“Urgh,” Keenie scowled. “First those filthy demonic trash decide to mock us and now we have to live among these…messy mortals?”

 

“Oh come on,” Collin gave a small smile as the three left the theater. They looked again sadly at the deceased humans and made crosses with their hands before flying away through an open window. “Things will work out. We’ve helped humans all the time. Surely they can’t be that bad!”

 

 

The three of them later gasped in sheer horror on the streets in a nearby town. A homeless man sat on a corner smoking a cigarette, while his comrade vomited alcohol down a sewer drain. A large man with a mustache ripped off a woman’s shirt as she leaned into him with a messy kiss in an alleyway. A skinny thief snatched a woman’s purse before he was brutally shot in the head by a man with a baseball cap. Two men were fighting each other and swearing, one of them landing a punch that toppled the other to the ground. As a policeman dragged a body away, a nearby band blared on bloodstained instruments. The logo on the drum read “Hail Satan!” in red messy paint.

 

A group of men sitting on a bench glanced at the cherubs hungrily.

 

“Anyone want mutton chops tonight?” The others laughed and displayed sinister grins.

 

C.H.E.R.U.B. stood with open mouths for several seconds. Cletus laughed nervously and made a motion with his arm and fist. “Let’s go check out someplace else!”

 

The three took to the sky, trying not to look at the watchful eyes of passerby.

 

Collin’s fluffy light indigo ears perked up. “Hey, I know what we can do! We can keep doing our job like before, helping people in need! Now that those imps are back in Hell, we are free to do what we like.”

 

Keenie shook her head. “As much as I want to, I don’t think we should just yet. I’m worried that we’ll just cause more deaths.”

 

“I might have to agree as well,” said Cletus. “I mean, how can we tell anyone about our accomplishments if we aren’t in Heaven anymore?”

 

“I miss my mom and dad,” Collin whined. “How will they react when they find out about what we’ve done?” He gasped. “What if they already know? What if all of Heaven knows and now sees us as…one of them?”

 

The others gasped.

 

“You don’t mean…” Keenie began.

 

Cletus rapidly shook his head. “No, no, no, no! I refuse to believe that our one mistake would lead us into becoming demons!”

 

“What if…it’s already too late?” Keenie wondered in fear.

 

Collin imagined all three of them trapped in long black demonic hands, their wings and halos gone. Flames turning their eyes red and their skin a charred black. The pale face of Lucifer towering behind them and letting out a maniacal laugh.

 

“Oh my gosh, oh my god!” Collin cried, his eyes wide as he shook his head free of the fear.

 

Keenie slapped him hard on the head. “Hey, I told you to not use the Lord’s name in vain!” Collin sobbed again and rubbed his large white wool of hair as he flew beside them.

 

 

The setting sun turned the sky a brilliant orange as the three cherubs searched for a safe place to stay the night. Their white feathery wings and halos glowed and flickered in the fading light. Their silhouettes followed the setting sun before they landed in a quieter part of town. Neon signs were already humming in the twilight. From inside nearby windows, several woman were wearing dark lace and high heeled boots, pole-dancing to upbeat music. The cherubs huddled close together, staying under streetlights to avoid the dark unknown. Their wings flapped silently as they moved forward inches off the ground.

 

“I miss Heaven’s comforting light,” Keenie sighed. “And God’s light most of all. It seems like this place is devoid of it.”

 

“There’s always good somewhere in the world,” said Collin with a hopeful expression. “You just have to know where to look.”

 

“The only thing I see are shabby buildings and humans indulging in their disgusting desires,” Cletus remarked. He mentioned to a nearby man who burped loudly after stuffing an entire pizza into his mouth. “The sooner we get home, the better.”

 

Collin took a piece of cheese he bought and popped it into his mouth. He grumbled. “The food here is prison food in comparison to what we have back home. It just tastes so…bland and heavy.”

 

Keenie munched half-heartedly on a carrot. “It’s still edible at least.”

 

“Demons eat nothing but raw meat,” Cletus added. “Back up above, we could enjoy all the vegetables, holy fruits, and drinks we wanted. Every day was an endless buffet…”

 

“Stop making me hungry,” Collin remarked. They fell into silence as a nightly breeze ruffled their clothing and wooly fur.

 

“I think we should get human disguises soon,” Collin later mentioned as they hovered over the sidewalk.

 

“Yeah, like those hideous costumes worked out well for those imps,” Cletus rolled his eyes. “Relax, Collin. I’m sure some of the humans will notice and treat us with the respect I…um, we deserve.”

 

Collin huffed. “I sure hope so.” He clapped his large front hooves together nervously as if trying to say something. As they continued hovering past some alleyways, a low growl was heard. Keenie paused, her hair stood on end.

 

 “Guys…what was that?” Keenie asked, looking around.

 

“Probably just Collin’s stomach,” Cletus mentioned.

 

“No, I swear it wasn’t me,” he said. “Through I am very hungry.”

 

The growling grew louder…it seemed to be coming from behind them. The three slowly turned around and spotted a figure in the shadows. It was a large gray canine with beady black eyes…and very sharp teeth. Drool dribbled onto the ground by its paws.

 

The cherubs screamed and scattered away in flight. The dog barked loudly and raced after them. The cherubs zoomed up ahead, avoiding passing cars and maneuvering around figures of people. They zoomed over black trash bags as the dog barreled through them at high speed. The dog raced on all fours, snapping its jaws as it moved closer to them.

 

“Get back!” Keenie called, moving her yellow hooves in a frantic kick, just missing its face. The beast just grabbed at her dress with its teeth and yanked.

 

“Aaaahhhh! Get off, you beast!” she cried.

 

Cletus yelled in fury and raised his hand in the air as he flew. He then glanced upward in sheer shock.

 

“I can’t summon my golden crossbow!”

 

Collin flew nearby, muttering a prayer while shaking. He took a deep breath and sped toward the dog. He landed a punch to the dog’s eyes…and with a yelp, the dog let go of Keenie’s dress with a rip. Keenie gasped and shook herself. “My dress!” she cried as she stared at the torn slobbery hole. “Look at my dress!”

 

“Be thankful it’s not your backside,” Cletus mentioned. Keenie seethed at him as Collin came flying back toward them, the dog at his heels. Keenie shoved Collin backwards toward the dog, sending the both of them tumbling to the ground.

 

Cletus and Keenie flew as fast as they could until Keenie spotted a beacon in the distance. A tall brick building had a large white Christian Cross on top of it, appearing golden as the sun continued to set. Several stained glass windows showed images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary surrounded by golden backgrounds. Even more spectacular was a nearby towering Christmas tree decorated with gold and silver ornaments and a six pointed star at the top.

 

“A church!” she called. “Hurry!”

 

They landed in front of the large wooden double doors, catching their breath.

 

“My wings are sore,” Cletus groaned.

 

“No more flying for a while,” Keenie agreed.

 

Cletus knocked politely on the door. “Hello? Anybody in there?”

 

So far, no answer.

 

Just then, they heard panting from behind them. They whirled around…only to find Collin hunched over, his clothes torn up. There were several scratches all over him.

 

“Oh Collin, thank goodness,” Cletus sighed in relief.

 

“Keenie…” Collin began. “What was that back there?! I’m lucky I escaped at all!”

 

“I had to distract the dog so we could get away,” she said.

 

Collin glared and stomped one of his cloven feet. “That’s the second time you pushed me in harm’s way! And the first time was with a whole pack of wild animals!”

 

“You’re still fine, right?” she asked.

 

Collin let out a “ha!” followed by a “no.”

 

“Don’t ever do that again,” he said, folding his arms. The cherubs waved their hands and their clothes and skin were repaired.

 

Just then, the door solely opened. A woman dressed in a black robe stared into the distance. “Hello?”

 

“Down here,” said Cletus. She looked down with surprise in her eyes.

 

“May I help you?”

 

“Hi,” said Cletus. “We got lost from our home and now we have nowhere to go. May we stay for a bit?”

 

The woman peered closer at them, narrowing her eyes. “You three look familiar…”

 

The cherubs gulped. Seconds dragged on.

 

“Do I know you?”

 

“Um…” Cletus began, sweat trickling down his forehead.

 

“Of course!” she called, standing up. “You’re those guardian angels who go out and save people, yes?”

 

Cletus stood proudly. “Yep, that’s us!” The other two let out soft gasps and looked at Cletus in worry.

 

The woman looked around. “Hurry, inside now,” she said. “The world is full of people willing to take advantage of you savior children.”

 

The cherubs bowed in thanks before heading through the door.

 

“Technically, I’m twenty-four,” Cletus muttered.

 

“I thought we were hundreds of years old,” wondered Keenie.

 

Collin grinned, redness briefly spreading to his cheeks. “You’re so beautiful, you don’t look a year over two-hundred.”

 

Keenie “bahed” at him in annoyance before they made it into the main chamber. The high vaulted ceiling made even the cherub angels feel small. The sky was a dark indigo through the opening above. Rows of arched gaps circled the area near the ceiling, and stone pillars held the ceiling on either side. The floor was in a black and white checkered pattern while a few Greek inspired designs caught Cletus’ attention. The rows of seats were polished and clean, and several white candles were lit in holders, emitting a peaceful glow.

 

The woman made way for them and came back with a bowl of fruit and grass. Collin munched on blueberries, Keenie on pineapple slices and Cletus started on red apples. Cletus stared into the apple’s red surface. “Just like the Garden of Eden,” he said to himself. “When Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, she had disobeyed God’s order. She gave the fruit to Adam who then ate one. God banished them from the Garden, cursed them to grow old and die…thus began the fall of man…”

 

Cletus stared closely at the apple’s surface, the red morphing into the face of a red goat. A grin of sharp white teeth, red eyes surrounded by black, a glowing black Ring with a Roman numeral five on it…

 

“Are you okay?” Collin asked.

 

Cletus whipped his head to Collin. “Oh yes, I’m fine, I’m fine,” he said, forcing a grin.

 

Cletus turned and set the apple aside.

 

“I sure hope we don’t age too,” Keenie added in concern. “I don’t want to lose my pretty face and looks.”

 

“That inventor managed to survive for a while,” Collin said.

 

“Barely,” Cletus mentioned.

 

“We’re still angels,” mentioned Collin. “It is very rare for us to be erased from existence without good reason…”

 

“Please don’t say such things!” mumbled Keenie.

 

The woman went up to the ornate alter and poured in some herbs into an incense burner. The smell of frankincense and myrrh calmed the cherubs down after a while.

 

“I’ll leave you to it,” said the woman. “Stay for as long as you need but stay out of sight more often than naught. If you need anything, just let me know. Be careful dear sheep babies.”

 

“Bless you miss,” said Cletus.

 

The cherubs bowed in thanks as she left.

 

“Sheep babies?” Cletus scowled. “I’m not a freaking baby!”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” said Collin.

 

Keenie walked up to a stone basin nearby as Collin and Cletus bickered for a bit. Gazing in a small pool of holy water, Keenie thought she saw a ghostly face of a pale woman with long blonde hair, a black crown and large curved horns. The face briefly shifted to another white face with orange eyes and flaming wild auburn colored hair. She blinked a few times and it was gone. She only saw her wide-eyed reflection faintly on the surface. She turned away and arrived beside her comrades.

 

The altar before them was made of gold, as was the ornate cross situated on top.

 

Keenie, Collin and Cletus knelt down in prayer, tears falling from their faces.

 

“Oh mighty Lord, please have mercy on us,” Cletus said. “Please forgive us for the mistakes we made here on Earth.”

 

“Father…we only tried to help a broken man get onto the right path,” Keenie said. “We didn’t mean to kill him.”

 

“We just want to go home,” Collin added. “We’ll take whatever punishment you give us but please…tell us if there is anything we can do…”

 

More moments passed as night fell. Stars and a moon were visible through the glass windows.

 

“God help the outcasts,” Collin chanted softly. “God help our cherub people. We look to you still. If you can’t help us, nobody will.”

 

“I ask for glory. I ask for fame. I ask for redemption to shine on our name,” added Cletus.

 

Keenie continued the chant.  “We ask for your guidance, a way to get by. Help us right our fate, listen to our cry.”

 

Cletus finished, “Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, please watch over us.”

 

All three said “Amen!” before a colorful portal of clouds opened above them. The cherubs each looked up. 

 

“Lord Gabriel?” asked Cletus. “Is that you?”

 

A sound of clapping hooves greeted them, followed by a haughty laugh.

 

“My my, what a marvelous…pitiful performance!”

 

The brown furry face of a winged deer cherub came into view. A sense of smugness and superiority was clearly reflected in her eyes.

 

“Deerie?!” the cherubs cried, their faces morphing into angry scowls.

 

“Wow, I’d expect a more proper welcome from deferential devotees such as yourselves. The human world getting to you so soon?”

 

“What are you doing here?” Keenie asked. “We called for Gabriel.”

 

“Gabriel sends you his best regards, and says that you guys can rise again and be fully redeemed after a while…”

 

The cherubs smiled until she added, “Heheh, yeah, no.”

 

Their faces fell.

 

“I’m afraid you guys can’t re-enter Heaven, like I said before. Nothing you can do about it. Rules and all.”

 

Cletus turned red in the face. “But it was an accident! The imps fought us off. They were the ones trying to kill Lyle Lipton!”

 

“But they didn’t, correct? Based on what Heaven has seen, you three not only killed Lyle unintentionally…but you caused much more death and suffering.”

 

“What?!” all three cried out. 

 

Collin thought back to all the dead audience members. They had been so involved in fighting off their rivals that they didn’t even notice them.

 

“It was I.M.P.’s fault!” Keenie argued.

 

“Yes, but you also played a role in it,” Deerie explained. “You blindly shot your arrow, which later caused the piano to crush the old man. We see everything, you know.”

 

Cletus then turned to Collin. “About that time earlier when you said it ‘wasn’t completely my fault…’”

 

Collin stood his ground. “It was though. It was all our faults.” He jabbed a hoof into Cletus. “But you were so adamant to kill off those imps that you didn’t consider who else would be at risk. We should’ve taken the fight outside! I tried to tell you guys earlier!”

 

“You’re a literal sheep,” Cletus replied, getting into Collin’s face. “You never said a word; you just followed my orders like you were supposed to.”

 

“Those imps are nothing more than dirt that the dead tread on,” Keenie added. “We may be angels, but we never go down without a fight. Surely you’d do well with being less of a wimp, Collin.”

 

Collin scoffed. “I’m sorry. I thought we were supposed to be the good guys. The loving guardians who actually help those we meet. I just realized that we didn’t let Lyle Lipton learn his little lesson.”

 

“Five times fast,” Cletus snickered, but Collin ignored him.

 

“We didn’t tell Lyle how sinful it is to be so immersed in his own greed. He really could’ve used his riches for good if we had stayed to help him like we were supposed to! We should’ve explained to our victims why any of their bad behaviors were wrong. But instead we just left them all behind!”

 

“What did you think we were trying to do?!” Keenie yelled. “We showed him nature, childhood wonderment, young love and the arts. And it would’ve worked if it weren’t for those meddlesome…”

 

“You done?” Deerie casually asked in the air. She finished filing her hooves and had a bag of popcorn with her. The cherubs turned back to her.

 

“Far from it, bitch!” Keenie yelled.

 

“Language!” Collin warned.

 

“You three have learned nothing, huh? You see scraps, I was briefly summoned here by you guys and I gotta get back soon, so I may as well elaborate on your consequences. Let’s see…”

 

Deerie summoned her clipboard and her reading glasses. On her notepad, she had drawn cats and Invader Zim characters. A side note read “more musical episodes?”

 

“Not only did you kill one human, but you also killed multiple mortals in the theater. This has made Azrael, the Angel of Death very upset. There are many people that are chosen to die at certain times and let me tell you, having to cross and uncross multiple names can get pretty irksome.”

 

The cherubs stood silent.

 

“In other words, you’re also in trouble for simply…oh I don’t know…doing a business and going to Earth without the permission from your superiors! A big no-no.”

 

“But we were saving people’s lives, and teaching them God’s true path…” Cletus began.

 

“…or more than likely, saving humans just to boost about your company accomplishments.”

 

“I knew it!” Collin called, glaring at Cletus. “Our main purpose is to help humans because it’s the right thing to do. I knew I should have stayed at my record-keeping job.”

 

“You and Keenie thought joining C.H.E.R.U.B. with me was a good idea and it was!” Cletus protested.

 

“Cherubs are supposed to do various record keeping for soul count, religions, sins and choices made by humans etc.,”Deerie said. “Just proves that I do my job better than you three after all!”

 

Keenie smirked. “You sure you’re still not jealous because we got to go on exciting adventures? That we became more famous than you?”  

 

Deerie chuckled. “More like infamous now. Cletus especially, you gave into your pride and wrath during the fight. You cherubs are supposed to help spread the holy word of God, and not go into the human world unless necessary.”

 

The cherubs lowered their heads a bit. 

 

“Not to mention several people you saved ended up as criminals. You know, the kind of people who abuse their children, scam others into giving them money, enslaving citizens in other countries…”

 

“How were we supposed to know all of that?!” Keenie cried. “We saved their lives at the request of their loved ones in Heaven!”

 

“Which, in turn can cause more global suffering and even an altering of history itself,” Deerie explained. “Lyle was destined to die and go to Hell anyway. Your actions are not befitting to your titles as cherubs in the first place. I’m surprised no one has managed to sell you on the black market yet. I guess you can be referred to as…black sheep now!”

 

Deerie burst into laughter, slapping her furry knees.

 

“Get out,” Cletus muttered.

 

Deerie laughed some more, wiping tears from her large eyes. “Oh dearie me, I’m so clever!”

 

Cletus thought he saw a grinning man’s face with red eyes and licking his lips behind Deerie.

 

Cletus shook the vision away before yelling, “No I’m serious, get the fuck out!”

 

“Language!” the other three shouted, their voices echoing in the vast space. The silence was deafening. Or the noises were hearing.

 

“Well then, I wish you three a fun time on Earth,” Deerie said. “Feel free to not call me again. I have no use dealing with fallen sheep anyway.”

 

“Can you at least tell us what will happen to us next?” Collin asked.

 

“Oh that’s actually pretty simple,” Deerie explained.  “I.M.P. will be dealt with in due time. But as for you three…”

 

She pointed her hooves at Collin, Cletus and Keenie, who each gasped in turn. “In Gabriel’s words: ‘You will still redeem and protect human souls but this time under closer supervision. You will learn to live among them for a while in the hopes that your arrogance toward those different from yourselves will subside over time. Only after your true redemption may you return to Heaven. I have the utmost faith in you.’ End quote.”

 

The three cherubs sighed in relief.

 

“Oh one last thing,” Deerie grinned. “I forgot to tell you the best part.” Collin and the others did not like the look on her face.

 

Deerie continued. “Now that you’re here on Earth, you will all be vulnerable to human emotions and sins. Pride, greed, lust, anger, you know it.”

 

“Not gonna happen lady,” Keenie spat with her hands on her hips. 

 

“Everyone save for God has flaws. You didn’t think that redeeming yourselves would be a stroll in the clouds did you?”

 

The cherubs looked at each other.

 

“Yeah, so basically you all have a limited time to prove yourselves on Earth. A couple days at the very least?”

 

Collin whimpered with droopy ears as his white halo above him briefly flickered.

 

“Yeah, so if you don’t complete your mission in time…it’s a one-way trip down for you!”

 

The cherubs yelled while grabbing onto each other.

 

“Yes indeed!” Deerie said. “I can see you three reluctantly joining up with I.M.P.’s rivals to enact your revenge, turning into the winged devils you were destined to become!”

 

“Nooooooo!” they cried in horror.

 

Deerie then let out a childish laugh, waving her hoof. “But hey, that’s just a theory! I look forward to hearing about your…pandemonium adventures in the next few episodes!”

 

Deerie waved and called, “That’s a wrap! Bye!”

 

Cletus charged at her again, but she vanished through the portal and it closed.

 

“No, no, no!” Cletus sobbed again, his co-workers comforting him.

 

After several minutes, the cherubs stared at the stars and moon through one long window.

 

“You know guys,” Collin admitted, “Though you might be a pain in my behind at times, you’re still like my family. Whether we’re in Heaven, Earth or Hell…we can get through anything as long as we stick together.”

 

Keenie gave Collin a comforting side hug. Cletus soon joined in and he sighed. “That’s one thing we can all agree on.”

 

After staring at the heavens, Cletus said, “We’d better rest up…we have lots of work to do.”

 

The three cherubs huddled together underneath another Christmas tree, sleeping on a comfortable red rug.

 

Though the mighty had fallen, they could only hope that the meek could rise.

 

 

0 0 0 0 0

 

Several months later…

 

 

In a park on Earth, a woman in a hooded brown dress stopped to look at a pretty pink flower on a bush. Next to her was a light pink baby stroller. The stroller then rolled down the gray path on its own, the woman waving her arm, them glancing up. The stroller zoomed faster and faster down the paths.

 

The woman stood up. “My baby! Someone save my baby!”

 

Two frisbee players ducked as the stroller flew down the path between them. The stroller scattered a daddy and mommy duck, who quaked and flapped their wings. The stroller flew up a hill and barely avoided the snapping mouths of two alligators and a shark. The stroller continued its race down the street, hitting a red car who skidded to a stop and a blue car nearby.

 

Two men wearing blue shirts, dark pants and caps were carefully carrying a rectangular pane of glass into a nearby truck that read “Pane In the Glass.”

 

“Sure hope this glass doesn’t break,” one of them said casually.

 

The stroller then shattered the glass, sending shards into both men. One man fell to the ground. “It broke!” the standing man yelled in surprise and agony as both men bled from the glass shards in them.

 

 

The stroller gained speed and rolled dangerously toward a looming power plant. Noxious dark green smoke fumed into the air, while lime green slime steamed and bubbled in a round tank with a hazard symbol on it. A dark-skinned man with a cigarette in his mouth was wearing a red shirt and a baseball cap. He pushed a ramp that was labeled “INCONVINENT RAMP” with THE “IN” crossed out in pink. A red robin flew up toward the steaming vat of acid, and instantly turned into a dead skeleton from the fumes.

 

Nearby stores read “West St Bank,” “ICE CREAM,” “Cassettes R US – Closing Down Always.” There was a “Meat and Deli” “Beaukay’s Flowers and Gifts” and a poster with an orca whale and a cruise ship that read, “Coming This Summer, We Said Eat The Rich, THEY AGREED. BILLIONAIRES BEWARE: An Orca Documentary.”

 

Another dark-skinned man wearing glasses, dark pants, and a green sweater was casually strolling down the street, accidentally dropping his white ice cream from his cone. He scooped up the ice cream on the ground, and turned in shock as the stroller zoomed toward him…

 

And bonked into him as it came to a stop. There was a moon and star hanging inside the stroller, the baby under a blanket. He stood up with a hand on the stroller and smiled. Near a red car that had “MILF” license plate, the robed woman raced up to him as the baby cried.

 

“Oh, thank you, thank you! How could I ever repay you?” She embraced him as the man licked his dirty ice cream.

 

“No need, ma’am, I was just in the right place at the right time,” smiled the man.

 

A white arm from inside the stroller reached out and snatched the man’s brown wallet from his pants pocket. The woman let go. The man happily licked his ice cream and strolled away.

 

The woman glanced around and wheeled the stroller into a nearby alleyway. With a kick, a gasping Collin flew out and took several deep gasps.

 

“Did you have to hug him so hard? I’m at underwear level, you know, and that guy clearly hadn’t showered today!”

 

Keenie ripped off her dress disguise.

 

“Oh, stop complaining. I had to sell it, didn’t I?” She glanced over. “How’d we do, Cletus?”

 

The C.H.E.R.U.B. leader popped out from under the blanket, holding the stolen wallet. He counted the money and frowned.

 

“Not great. Let’s set up for another run!” He disappeared back under the covers.

 

Collin nervously looked around, looking guilty and unsure. “I don’t know, Cletus. Doesn’t this all seem a little…” he whispered, “…sinful?”

 

Cletus popped up. “We’ve been over this! We are still helpin’ people! We just provided that man with an opportunity to be selfless and heroic.”

 

“After that performance, he’s sure to get into Heaven!” Keenie exclaimed. “We just saved a soul!”

 

“Is…that how it works?” Collin asked.

 

“Don’t you think eternal salvation is worth 20 bucks and a Queesno sponge card?” Cletus asked.

 

Cletus and Keenie gave Collin wide sparkly puppy dog eyes as angelic music played. Collin sighed.

 

“I guess…it’s just…” Collin stuttered.

 

Cletus bawled like a baby. Keenie put her hands on her hips in the air. “You wanna eat, don’t you? You wanna live long enough to save more souls and earn our way back to Heaven?”

 

“Of course! I just…”

 

Cletus glared and slapped Collin. “Well then quiet your incessant winching and get back under that coat!”