Helluva Scribe Presents...ARS GOETIA ACADEMY (Intro)

 

ARS GOETIA: INFERNAL ACADEMY

You’ve probably heard countless stories about magical schools for humans, witches, wizards, monsters, gods, and even animals. But what about angels and demons? Those are a whole different level. The demonic plane is not just fire and brimstone, it is a marvelous world of divine shapeshifting beings, mighty armies, splendent royalty and buildings made of precious stones.

The Ars Goetia Academy (Ars Paulina Academy is the opposite rival school in the angelic plane with the 72 angels). Here, demons learn how to be productive members of society with several subjects: Dark Magic, Herbs and Stones, Necromancy, Animal Riding, Love and Lust taught by Clitora the Succubus, Alchemy, Astronomy, Element Manipulation, Mental Manipulation, and, of course, warfare and royalty etiquette. The school has several tribes: Lion, Crocodile, Leopard, Horse, Raven, Snake, and Griffin. (Other animals are honored but those are the main ones).

But the most controversial class of all is “Interacting With Mortals, Aliens and Other Races.” The hardest class in demonic history? “Guiding Your Human Charges.” Not very many demons like humans or angels or any other species (especially their Jinn cousins). But Lucifer, Lilith, the Seven Princes of Hell and the Ars Goetia have volunteered to brush aside their fallen past and embrace their duty to evolve themselves and other souls to Source (Because all souls are the same in essence). But some demons are fascinated by humans and living a physical life. (Though the thought of losing memories and powers scares even the toughest demon). Helping mortals evolve by becoming familiars of the Ars Goetia and the royal divine to pass on their messages to humans who need them. Like helping a classroom of a thousand kids at once! But they also have to gain approval from not only the royal, but the mortal’s spirit guides and guardians so that the soul’s life plan can continue as normal.

Our main character prepares to live a human life to try and eventually return to Source and Heaven once again, to prove to the others that angels, demons, humans, aliens etc. can all live in harmony as One. But they have to train to become a familiar to one of the Goetias and/or the royal divine families. And with astral parasites and dark energies attacking mortals, earthbound spirits roaming around, angel disagreements, various gods claiming mortals, as well as the complexities of life reviews, karma and life planning, even for divine beings and demons…all very complex. To make matters worse, our character is assigned to a traumatized mortal who is scared of spirits and demons due to a Christian/material “death is the end” upbringing. Can they help bridge the eons gap between mortals and the divine?

12 interconnected “Tribes” + subtle hidden “Angel” one that connects them all

Camel – desert, Arabic/Egyptian traits, determined, hardworking, enduring

Crocodile – aggression, water element, stealth

Lion – bravery, courage, royalty, fire element, leadership

Leopard – confidence, feminine mystique, intelligence

War-Horse – bravery, speed, honor, freedom, power

Snake/Dragon – wisdom, rebirth, regeneration, fertility

Raven/Stork/Birds – wisdom, magic, transformation, death/rebirth, darkness, prophecy, air element

Bull/Ram – strength, power, sexuality, fertility, leadership, earth element

Bear – strength, family, courage, protection

Wolf – Pack mentality, protection, loyalty

Griffin – Power, prestige, divine protection, air element, sky and earth, human and divine

Dog/Cat – loyalty, wisdom, wildness, teamwork

Angel – representing original divine nature and the past, transformation into something new via merging with matter/shadow, remembering spirit and divinity in a darker/material world

 

Camel (3) – Paimon, Vual, Gremory

Crocodile (2) – Agares, Saleos

Lion (8) – Purson (3 animals), Vine (3 animals) Valefar, Allocer (2 animals) Vapula (2 animals/Lion/Griffin) Ipos (3 animals) Sabnock (2 animals) Marbas

Leopard (3) – Flauros, Ose, Sitri (2 animals/Leopard/Griffin)

War-Horse (13) – Beleth, Vine (3 animals) Amduscias (unicorn) Eligos (2 animals) Zepar, Bathin (2 animals) Berith, Allocer (2 animals) Seere, Orobas, Gamigin, Sabnock (2 animals) Kimaris, Furcas, Buer (Centaur)

Snake/Dragon (14) – Purson (3 animals), Asmodeus (2 animals Snake/Dragon) Vine (3 animals) Balam (2 animals) Eligos (2 animals) Bathin (2 animals) Aim (2 animals) Astaroth, Amon (3 animals) Forenus, Marchosias, Andromalius (Man with snake), Botis Valac (dragon/angel)

Raven/Stork/Owl/Birds (12) – Stolas, Andrealphus, Ipos, Camio, Raum, Malphas, Amon, Naberius, Phenex, Shax, Andras (3 animals) Malthus

Bear (1) – Purson (3 animals),

Bull/Ram (4) – Asmodeus (2 animals Snake/Dragon) Balam (2 animals), Zagan (2 animals Griffin/Bull), Morax

Wolf (3) – Amon (3 animals) Marchosias Andras (3 animals)

Griffin (8) – Zagan (2 animals) Bune (2 animals) Focalor, Murmur, Vapula (2 animals/Lion/Griffin) Sitri (2 animals/Leopard/Griffin) Marchosias, Glasya-Labolas (2 animals/Dog/Griffin)

Dog/Cat (5) – Bael (Cat/Frog/Man) Bune (2 animals) Aim (2 animals) Naberius, Glasya-Labolas (2 animals/Dog/Griffin)

Angel (9) – Belial, Crocell, Vassago, Ipos (3 animals) Andras (3 animals) Furfur (angel/deer), Valac (dragon/angel) Amy, Phenex

Baboon – Guison

Mermaid – Vepar

Monster – Bifrons, Ronove

Bifrons – Janus Roman God

Many faces: Dantalion

Decarbaria – star

Astaroth – Astarte

Bael - Baal

Deer – Furfur

Fire -Amy

 

Seraphim: Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel

Cherubim: Jophiel

Throne: Zaphkiel, Phanuel

Dominion: Zadkiel

Virtue: Haniel, Ariel, Raphael

Power: Camael

Principality: Anael

Archangel: Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel, Jophiel, Haniel, Ariel, Camael, etc.

 

Ex-angel Orders:

Lucifer – Seraphim

Beelzebub - Seraphim

Asmodeus – Cherubim

Satan – Cherubim

Belial – Cherubim

Bune – Cherubim

Berith – Cherubim

Paimon – Cherubim

Astaroth – Throne

Orobas – Throne

Purson – Throne

Forenus – Throne

Raum – Throne

Phenex – Throne

Murmur – Throne

Focalor – Throne

Marchosias – Throne

Balam – Dominion

Marchosias – Dominion

Paimon - Dominion

Vapula – Virtue

Bifrons – Virtue

Barbatos – Virtue

Agares – Virtue

Purson – Virtue

Bael – Power

Beleth – Power

Amy – Power

Crocell – Power

Vual – Power

Gaap – Power

Kimaris – Principality

Belphegor - Principality

Lion – Valefar, Marbas

Crocodile – Agares, Saleos,

Leopard – Flauros, Sitri, Ose

War-Horse – Beleth, Zepar, Berith (red horse), Orobas, Seere (winged horse), Gamigin, Cimaris (black horse), Furcas

Snake/Man – Andromalius, Botis

Raven/Owl/Crow – Camio, Raum, Stolas, Maphas

Griffin – Focalor, Murmur,

Camel – Paimon, Vual, Gremory

Bear/Lion/Snake – Purson

Bull/Ram – Asmodeus, Morax, Haggenti

Lion/Snake/Black Horse - Vine

Bull/Ram/Snake/Bear – Balam

Griffin/Bull – Zagan, Haggenti

Unicorn – Amdusicas

Baboon – Guison

Horse/Snake – Eligos, Bathin

Snake/Cat – Aim

Frog/Cat/Man – Bael

Dog/Griffin/Dragon – Bune

Dragon/Snake – Astaroth

Mermaid – Vepar

Lion/Horse – Alloces, Sabnock

Lion/Griffin – Vapula

Centaur/Lion - Buer

Leopard/Griffin – Sitri

Goose/Lion - Ipos

Angel: Vassago, Crocell

Wolf/Snake – Amon

Archer – Leraje

Dragon - Valac

Fire - Amy

Dog/Griffin – Naberius, Glasya-Labolas

Monster – Ronove, Bifrons

Forneus – sea monster/snake

Wolf/Griffin – Marchosias

Phoenix – Phenex

Stork – Shax

Wolf/Owl – Andras

Peacock – Andrealphus

Deer – Furfur

Stork – Malthus

Demonic classes: Dark Magic, Alchemy, Astronomy, Astrology, History, Warfare, Animal Riding, Herbs and Stones, Geometry/Math, Shapeshifting, Royalty Etiquette, Government, Love and Lust, Art, Music, Flight, Necromancy, Mind Reading/Control, Elemental Control, Life Reviews/Death Transition Preparation, Interspecies Relations/Familiar/Legion Training

 

School appearance: Like a black Hogwarts castle, but much bigger and surrounded by lava and a red sky above. No magic wands needed…natural inborn magic and telepathy are available to all demons. Classes are taught by various advanced demons who are like messengers to the Ars Goetia. Ars Goetia can shapeshift into a hundred aspects and go to many places at the same time, but due to the immense work, familiars and legions are sent by them to make things easier, for what the legions report, the Goetic divine can experience it. Legions are like the pawns/protectors of the Goetia while the Familiars are translator spirits who can relay messages to other species, including humans.

 

Camel (3) – Paimon, Vual, Gremory

Crocodile (2) – Agares, Saleos

Lion (8) – Purson (3 animals), Vine (3 animals) Valefar, Allocer (2 animals) Vapula (2 animals/Lion/Griffin) Ipos (3 animals) Sabnock (2 animals) Marbas

Leopard (3) – Flauros, Ose, Sitri (2 animals/Leopard/Griffin)

War-Horse (13) – Beleth, Vine (3 animals) Amduscias (unicorn) Eligos (2 animals) Zepar, Bathin (2 animals) Berith, Allocer (2 animals) Seere, Orobas, Gamigin, Sabnock (2 animals) Kimaris, Furcas, Buer (Centaur)

Snake/Dragon (14) – Purson (3 animals), Asmodeus (2 animals Snake/Dragon) Vine (3 animals) Balam (2 animals) Eligos (2 animals) Bathin (2 animals) Aim (2 animals) Astaroth, Amon (3 animals) Forenus, Marchosias, Andromalius (Man with snake), Botis Valac (dragon/angel)

Raven/Stork/Owl/Birds (12) – Stolas, Andrealphus, Ipos, Camio, Raum, Malphas, Amon, Naberius, Phenex, Shax, Andras (3 animals) Malthus

Bear (1) – Purson (3 animals),

Bull/Ram (4) – Asmodeus (2 animals Snake/Dragon) Balam (2 animals), Zagan (2 animals Griffin/Bull), Morax

Wolf (3) – Amon (3 animals) Marchosias Andras (3 animals)

Griffin (8) – Zagan (2 animals) Bune (2 animals) Focalor, Murmur, Vapula (2 animals/Lion/Griffin) Sitri (2 animals/Leopard/Griffin) Marchosias, Glasya-Labolas (2 animals/Dog/Griffin)

Dog/Cat (5) – Bael (Cat/Frog/Man) Bune (2 animals) Aim (2 animals) Naberius, Glasya-Labolas (2 animals/Dog/Griffin)

Angel (9) – Belial, Crocell, Vassago, Ipos (3 animals) Andras (3 animals) Furfur (angel/deer), Valac (dragon/angel) Amy, Phenex

Baboon – Guison

Mermaid – Vepar

Monster – Bifrons, Ronove

Bifrons – Janus Roman God

Many faces: Dantalion

Decarbaria – star

Astaroth – Astarte

Bael - Baal

Deer – Furfur

Fire -Amy

 

Seraphim: Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel

Cherubim: Jophiel

Throne: Zaphkiel, Phanuel

Dominion: Zadkiel

Virtue: Haniel, Ariel, Raphael

Power: Camael

Principality: Anael

Archangel: Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel, Jophiel, Haniel, Ariel, Camael, etc.

 

 

 

 

Seraphim: choir ruled by Metatron (Kether/Pluto/Primum Mobile)

Cherubim: choir ruled by Jophiel (Cokmah/Neptune/Fixed Stars)

Thrones: choir ruled by Zaphkiel (Binah/Saturn)

Dominions: choir ruled by Zadkiel (Chesed/Jupiter)

Powers: choir ruled by Samael (Geburah/Mars)

Virtues: choir ruled by Michael (Tiperath/Sun)

Principalities: choir ruled by Haniel (Netzach/Venus)

Archangels: choir ruled by Raphael (Mercury/Hod)

Angels: choir ruled by Gabriel (Yesod/Moon)

Ex-angel Orders:

Lucifer – Seraphim

Beelzebub - Seraphim

Asmodeus – Cherubim

Satan – Cherubim

Belial – Cherubim

Bune – Cherubim

Berith – Cherubim

Paimon – Cherubim

Astaroth – Throne

Orobas – Throne

Purson – Throne

Forenus – Throne

Raum – Throne

Phenex – Throne

Murmur – Throne

Focalor – Throne

Marchosias – Throne

Balam – Dominion

Marchosias – Dominion

Paimon - Dominion

Vapula – Virtue

Bifrons – Virtue

Barbatos – Virtue

Agares – Virtue

Purson – Virtue

Bael – Power

Beleth – Power

Amy – Power

Crocell – Power

Vual – Power

Gaap – Power

Kimaris – Principality

Belphegor - Principality

 

 

 

 Ars Paulina Angel Academy (A.P.A.A)

Symbol: A gold halo over a gold heart, a flame and cross in the center with angel wings on the side against a white background.

 

Opposite, rival school in Heaven, comprised of messengers, students related to the Ars Goetia opposite, the Shem Hamephorash. Classes are similar and angels can also send messages to humans and other species and travel to Earth. Like some demons can dislike humans, not all angels are friendly. Some of them find demons’ obsession of humanity and the physical world “incomprehensible.” Many angels believe that the “fall” of souls to the material world was a tragedy once they got too stuck. Only by stillness, prayer and cleansing of sin/desire and collective unity could souls reach heaven faster…escape dreadful karma. The demons on the other hand, taught humanity weapons and beauty and encouraged them to embrace human individuality, the shadow self, and the physical world in order to appreciate their true spirit home all the more once they have fulfilled all their earthly desires. For angel and demon beliefs are different perspectives that work for different cultures and souls.

 

Perhaps both perspectives need to work together in balance to free us all.

 

School Appearance: a mighty clean temple with white pillars and a large dome made of gold and gemstones under a light blue sky streaked with ethereal rainbow light. A vibrant Eden garden with immortal fruit lies nearby. Council of Elders and highly evolved beings frequently visit to give souls tours of the higher realms and encourage frequent reincarnations on Earth and other planets to merge into Source at the end. While all the Ascended masters and Archangels are revered, Jesus and Christianity (Christ Consciousness) are the main focus. Like the demons, the angels can read minds, be in different places at once, have psychic powers, and do not have any limits of physical bodies that humans do.

 

Angelic Classes: Astronomy, Astrology, Prayer, Art, Music, Choir, Ritual, Flight, Math/Geometry, Warfare Against Evil, Christianity, Healing, White Magic, Light Manipulation, Life Review/Death Transition Preparation, Telepathy, Interspecies Relations/Familiar Training, Council/Spirit Guide Training, Akashic Records Record Keeping, Nature/agriculture/herbs/animals, Law and Order

 

7 Angelic “Tribes”

 

Planets

Sun – creativity, willpower, leadership (Nobility supporters)

Moon – mind, emotions (Psychology, Healing)

Mercury – communication (Business, commerce)

Venus – love, beauty (Fortune, peace, harmony)

Mars – action, warriors (Military)

Jupiter – generosity (Religion and philosophy)

Saturn – hard work (Agriculture, nature-workers)

 

Military: Angel 1, Angel 37, Angel 43, Angel 44, Angel 52, Angel 57, Angel 71

Kings and princes and nobility: Angel 2, Angel 3 (protects against beasts) Angel 15 (France) Angel 33 (Christian princes) Angel 34, Angel 42, Angel 54, Angel 69

Travel: Angel 4, Angel 22, Angel 52

Liberal arts/occult/science: Angel 5, Angel 16, Angel 17, Angel 40 (writing), Angel 49, Angel 64

Love, sciences, fortune: Angel 6, Angel 48 (marriage)

Nature/patience: Angel 7

Seas and ships; Angel 65

Peace: Angel 35

Religion: Angel 55, Angel 63, Angel 20 and 29 and 41

Fame: Angel 56

Career: Angel 36

Chasing evil spirits/nature: Angel 8, Angel 38

Nature/agriculture: Angel 8, Angel 23, Angel 30 (animals), Angel 31, Angel 45, Angel 46, Angel 51, Angel 66, Angel 68, Angel 70 (animals)

Alchemy: Angel 51

Money/obedience: Angel 59, Angel 63

Good faith/reconciliation; Angel 9, Angel 19

Healing: Angel 10, Angel 28, Angel 39, Angel 58 (Venus) Angel 60, Angel 68, Angel 72

Victory: Angel 11, Angel 37

Spirituality/occult: Angel 12, Angel 25, Angel 62, Angel 67

Friendship: Angel 13, Angel 61

Justice/Law: Angel 14, Angel 18, Angel 24 (prisoners) Angel 26, Angel 32, Angel 44, Angel 47, Angel 50, Angel 55, Angel 69

Angel 20: serves against the enemies of religion and convert people to Christianity, influences chastity and piety (antagonist)

Angel 29: serves against enemies of religion (antagonist)

Angel 41: serves against enemies of religion, Christianity (antagonist)

Angel 63 (antagonist?)

Astronomy, math, defeating evil spirits: Angel 21

Healing, water, nature: Angel 23

Protection: Angel 27

 

 

Martha and Mayberry: Rekindling

 

Mayberry walked from the I.M.P. office, satisfied that her rival Martha was dead and gone. She was happily full from the cake she had with the gang, “Killed the Bitch!” written on a banner. She figured that I.M.P. did a well enough job, despite the process being expensive and longer than she had expected. She wore her usual purple shirt with eyes, red thin glasses, red earrings, a white worn skirt and often let her hooved feet be free. She thought she would forever delight in the thought of Martha getting shot by the imp.

 

But after several more chaotic days trying to manage dozens of demonic children at her school, her satisfaction of revenge was short-lived. Here she was now in Hell, stuck in a place of misery. Which could only mean…

 

“Shit. She must still be out there, too!”

 

Mayberry couldn’t think of anything worse than being stuck in Hell with her rival. She could only hope that Martha was being tortured somewhere, preferably eaten by cannibals or wild animals.

 

The days went by. No sign of her husband anywhere. Mayberry was alone, with no family, no friends, and an old small apartment in a polluted city to call home. She worked full time at the school from dawn to dusk, scrambling to create lesson plans and meeting with parents to discuss “Malevolent behavior worthy of gold stars.” (Of course, killing wasn’t allowed and many Hellborn children mocked the Sinners for their deaths. “We’re proper demons, not hybrids,” they sang, while the Sinners punched their classmates retorting “We’re immortal! Have fun being Roo’s food!” “Well beware of the angels, ex-human fuckers!” “You’re not even real demons, freaks!”

 

“We like our children being tough and no bullshit, but even the interspecies fighting has gotten out of control,” many of the parents said.

 

“Bring back the Satanic Pledge of Allegiance,” another parent chided.

 

“Are you sure your heat conditioning works properly? And the reheaterator for their lunches?”

 

“So what if my son speaks demonic Latin and Enns? Can’t you include the language into your curriculum?

 

The demonic school board was even more harsh to her.

 

“Your school may be closed if it doesn’t follow our standards,” they said, holding clipboards and scrutinizing every corner of the classroom. “The torture toys are broken over here. The remains of this demon have not been properly disposed of. And your songs…reek of humanity!”

 

“Your lesson plans don’t include all the subjects for education. You have math, literature, science, physical activities…but no demon history? No inclusion of wealthy Envian aquatics and poor Wrath Imp children alike? You need updates. Your class has predominant Sinners…you need more diversity.”

 

“Low marks, Mayberry. Get your act together.”

 

Mayberry’s face fell as her demon students hit and hollered through her thoughts. Oh, how she missed her more innocent red schoolhouse on Earth and the chirping birds. The only birds around the school were many-eyed vultures around an old, rusted playground situated on cracked asphalt and surrounded by barbed wire fences.  

 

Very little pay. Barely enough for rent. Big meals were few and far between. Long walks back to her apartment with a cacophony of catcalls, cursing, and crying.

 

Mayberry sighed as she stared at her reflection from her water in a cup. Her hands shook as she tried to eat bits of many classic demon foods: human hearts, fried bugs, dog heads, rotten vegetables and fruit, raw animal meats…anything disgusting to humans. Even the regular familiar food was stale in comparison to Earth. More guilt swept in as she found her taste buds liking and tolerating the food.

 

Even more bizarre, she found no problems or reactions as she smoked her cigarette. Perhaps she could drown herself in nicotine and drugs for eternity…and no one would notice.  

 

She was a monster. A murderer. No longer human. Forever taken from her family because of her mistake and her jealousy.  Being punished for sin…and ironically being in a place full of sin! Existence itself was a cruel joke.

 

Mayberry was surprised she hadn’t died in Hell already with all the crime and chaos going on. At any moment, her job and home would be lost, and she’d have to beg on the streets. Bags hung under her eyes for lack of sleep. She wondered if she would ever remember the blue sky from her past life ever again.

 

One of her only activities to bring her a sense of peace was being in nature. She walked through the woods whenever she got the chance. After discovering her newfound strength and enhanced senses, she was no longer afraid of going in alone, even at night.

 

“Finding refuge in the forest, like a creature of the night,” she thought.

 

She thought she would be the only Sinner to ever grace the presence of this woody place…

 

Until she saw HER.

 

A red skinned woman with thick black hair, and a gaping black eye with black liquid running down. Large black cloven feet and legs, a sexy wavy waist, prominent red breasts under a torn polka dot shirt, thick horns, a glowing pink eye…

 

There was no doubt.

 

“You!” Mayberry spat, pointing a clawed finger under the moonlight. “How the fuck are you still alive?!”

 

Martha turned around, dropping her deerskin. “Oh? Is that the whiny schoolteacher? Yes, I’m back.”

 

“Mrs. Mayberry, thank you very much,” Mayberry scowled.

 

“How’d you like your life in Hell now that you don’t have a family?” Martha asked, folding her arms. “Still an elderly widow bitch?”

 

“Like that’s your concern, slut. And how’re you hanging on after those imps killed you?” Mayberry fired back.

 

Martha seethed. “Pissed as fuck but otherwise…not so bad. Now if you’re done gloatin’ I gotta get back home…”

 

“Wait,” Mayberry said. “I…I don’t wanna be alone…”

 

“Huh?” Martha turned around.

 

“Although I hate…um hated your guts, you’re the only person I really know here.”

 

“Where’s my ex-lover and your ex-husband?”

 

Mayberry looked downcast. “No clue.”

 

“Wanna go find him?”

 

“Hell no! I’m barely managing on my own.”

 

“And you expect me to help you?”

 

“At least tell me how to better navigate this place.”

 

“You’ve been here longer than me, darlin,’” said Martha, “You seem to be doing fine on your own.”

 

“I wish.” Mayberry smirked. “It appears that imp crew I hired was successful in killing you.”

 

Martha scoffed. “So, you’re part of my death. Feel satisfied with your revenge?”

 

Mayberry sighed. “Well…not really anymore. I can’t believe it, though! To think they all called you a hero on Earth! If only I had my gun now…”

 

Martha shrugged. “I guess that means we’re both villains now. No use tryin’ to kill me now. We’re the living dead.”

 

 Mayberry nervously fiddled with her hands. “Well…I killed my cheating husband and traumatized my school children! And now, I’m stuck here in this brimstone hellhole dump! I can barely eat and sleep.”

 

 “I mean, I’m pissed that I got shot by those imps, but hey, Hell ain’t so bad! I mean, look at my new dashing form!” Martha swayed her hips. “And now you don’t have to worry about jail time on Earth. You’re free.”

 

Mayberry stared at Martha, strangely transfixed. She was stunned that her enemy left her feeling…aroused? Comforted? Confused? “I guess you’re right. I guess when you’ve killed someone and see it so much around you, you get sort of used to it. At least you don’t look like a horned purple people eater.”

 

Martha chuckled. “I like your body…makes you unique…in an old schoolteacher kind of way.”

 

Mayberry blushed, despite herself. “Really? I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think you’re…”

 

Martha smirked. “Hot too? This coming from my rival, heheheh. I guess my southern charm still works wonders.”

 

Mayberry gasped. “Wait, what about your husband and your kids?”

 

Martha shrugged. “Oh, they’re busy terrorizing villages and huntin’ the forest creatures. Ever since discovering my new strength and powers, I’ve grown more distant from them and felt…another calling.”

 

Mayberry raised her eyebrows. “A calling? I’ve been teaching little demon school kids. It has its perks I guess, but I still feel so…lonely.”

 

 “Where do you live?”

 

Mayberry took a puff of her cigarette. “In the city. Some dingy old apartment.”

 

Martha grinned. “I live in a cabin in the dark woods. It’s a nice place to be away from the Sinners and scum.”

 

Mayberry folded her arms. “Your family was a bunch of cannibals!”

 

Martha grinned evilly. “Yep! All in the honor of Satan himself! I’m an honorary member of his cult, now!”

 

Mayberry froze. “Wait, Satan is real?”

 

Martha nodded. “Darn tootin! His cult is mainly comprised of imps from Wrath but there are plenty of centers here in Pride. We do dark rituals, eat other demons and train in an underground army to invade Earth. Actually pays pretty well. Plus, I think it’ll help bring down those imps. Satan’s very particular about how he wants demons interacting with humans.”

 

 “Why would I want to join a bunch of evil psychos?”

 

Martha flipped her hair. “I mean, this is Hell, we’re all mad here. You’ll be stayin’ here forever, why not let yourself loose for a while? No point in tryin’ to instill your former human values here.”

 

Mayberry paused. Tired and lonely, she wanted someplace nice to relax, a comfortable bed, and a new companion. “In that case…can I come visit you in your cabin?”

 

Martha smiled, pleasantly surprised at Mayberry’s sudden eagerness. “Anythin’ to keep this lovely bitch company. I’m still pretty rich. You like baths?”

 

Mayberry smiled. “Who doesn’t?”

 

Martha winked. “Wanna join me and let things go…south…?”

 

Mayberry blushed and took several steps back. “Uh, um…I think Hell’s making me tougher…and gayer than I could have ever imagined on Earth…but still, then I’d be cheating…”

 

Martha rolled her working eye. “With a long dead ex-husband? Nah. Don’t worry. There’s always a chance to start over and form new relationships. Why not start now?”

 

Mayberry was still unsure. “And you want one with me? Even after I hired them to kill you?”

 

“Heh. It still satisfies me seeing you struggle to get used to Hell. I guess our deaths satisfied both our hatreds for each other.”

 

“And strangely brought us together…” Mayberry finished, staring into Martha’s eye.

 

Martha picked up her deerskin and took Mayberry’s hand. “Welcome to your new eternity in Hell, babe. Why not let go of the barren past and let your life get…spicy…?”

 

Mayberry smiled again, suddenly feeling lighter and freer than she could have dreamed. “No husbands…no problems…teach me a thing or two, demonic southern belle…”

 

 

Blitzo walked up to a cabin in the woods and knocked on the door. The door opened.

 

“Yeeauuss?” replied a woman with a southern drawl. She had red skin, sharp teeth and thick wavy gray hair with a few dark gray and red streaks in it. Her hair hung past her waist. She wore black skull earrings with red eyes. Her short shirt was torn, white with red polka dots and a black sharp top line, revealing large breasts. Her legs were black with red lines below her black belt and her feet were goat hooves. Finally, she displayed long black curved horns with red lines. Her left eye was pink against black sclera and her right eye was gaping black where she had been shot by Moxxie.

 

The woman then frowned and glared down at Blitzo, black hands on her hips. “Oh. It’s you.”

 

“Heeyy Martha,” Blitzo smiled nervously, speaking fast. “Look I know we killed you in the past, but I just wanted to say no hard feelings and offer this.”

 

He winked and held out a brown gift basket. Inside was Swiss cheese, bottles of hot sauce and a note with “sorry” on it.

 

As Blitzo handed it to her, a purple demon stepped out into the living room, dripping wet, hands up. She had red thin glasses, red diamond earrings, straight white hair, horns, a long tail, black hooves and a white towel wrapped around herself. It was none other than Mrs. Mayberry, the former schoolteacher on Earth. She and Martha had gone from rivals to lovers since they both turned into Sinner demons in Hell.

 

Mrs. Mayberry’s red eyes glowed and went wide in embarrassment as Blitzo gave her a smirk. Martha turned to glance at her partner, then shot back sarcastically at Blitzo, “Yeah, that’s fuckin’ right!” Giving him one last glare, she slammed the door on him. Blitzo smiled and crossed “Southern Bitch” off his apology list.

 

Martha turned back around and set the basket onto a table. Mayberry dried herself off.

 

“Was that…that imp I talked to a while ago?”

 

Martha scowled. “Yep. That horned fucker who traveled to Earth to kill me. What a pathetic excuse for an apology.”

 

“Your assassin tried to apologize to you? It sounded more like mocking if you ask me,” said Mayberry, raising her eyebrows.

 

“I agree.”

 

Mayberry looked downcast. “But still, I was the one who…”

 

Martha cut her off.  “It’s alright, darlin’. How about we focus on relaxation and our future plan to bring down those low-class horned clowns?”

 

The two women sat down and took out slices of Swiss cheese.

 

“Whatever you say, dear,” said Mayberry. She poured a little hot sauce on the cheese and took a bite.

 

“Hey, this is a very unique flavor…wow that’s hot!” She gasped, her face briefly red.

 

Martha smirked. “Hotter than me?”

 

Mayberry grinned back. “Well, not even close.”

 

Martha fed Mayberry some of her cheese and Mayberry did the same. Before long, they had both finished the cheese and hot sauce, leaving only empty hot sauce bottles. They licked the remaining hot sauce around their mouths.

 

Martha smiled. “Here’s to the glory of Lord Satan, our newfound freedom, death to Blitzo and new relationships beyond husbands!”

 

Mayberry lit up in return, deciding to embrace her new life as much as she could. “Here, here!”

 

“Ave Satanus!” Martha proclaimed. The women clinked their empty hot sauce bottles together and made out with French-kissing.