Once upon a time, there
was an innocent lovely blonde teacher named Mrs. Mayberry who taught at a
typical schoolhouse. She was born many years ago on July 24th.
She taught at a red
schoolhouse with a little golden bell at the top of it. “Learning is fun,” was
written in bright yellow letters on the side of the building with art of
colorful kites and a rainbow on it. A sign at the front read “Puppies Junior
School” in sunlight. There were tall green trees and a playground off to the
side. The golden bell rang for the start of the day. A blue jay and a cardinal
sang from a tree branch as the teacher opened the white curtains.
The Vivziepop lookalike
woman wrote “Good morning!” in white chalk on the green blackboard.
“Good morning!” She twirled in a dance,
catching her piece of chalk. She wore a white shirt with colorful red cherries
and a long blue-gray skirt. A green pendant rested on her shirt. She wore
cherry earrings and round yellow glasses. Her blonde hair was tied back in a
flower-like shape behind her. “Have a bright and sunny day” was written on a
poster with a large smiling sun with big eyes on it. Nearby was a calendar and
an old boxy computer on a desk. A white daisy was in a flower pot. “The word of
the day is harmony,” was written on a schedule posted on a board behind the
children sitting at desks. The orange curtains by the windows had white math
symbols on it. The schedule read “math, history, reading, grammar, science, art
and music” as the many school subjects for the days of the week.
“I hope you all did your
homework!” she trilled.
The children nodded with a dance to their
bodies. One boy wearing an orange shirt spun around in a stool wearing a dunce
cap and he faced the wall. The class broke out randomly into song.
“We
love to do our homework and we love our teacher too!”
The teacher sang, “And when I throw out these fun questions,
you should know just what to do.”
“Okay!” they cheered,
arms in the air.
She wrote on the board 2
+ 6 = 8 and added,
“Two plus six is…”
“Eight!” the class
answered.
“And good behavior’s…”
“Great!” they chimed in.
“And
now it’s that part of the class when we say the time of day and date.”
“It’s nine in the
morning,” sang a blonde boy…
“On January 8th…” added
a black girl.
“The sun is out
smiling,” said a brown haired girl with a bow.
“And it’s your husband’s
birthday!” reminded the dunce boy with his tongue out.
As the class sang “la la
la,” the teacher found herself scrapping her chalk down in a line on the board.
Sweat coated her forehead as the chalk was almost completely broken down. The
singing was a constant drone in her head. Her right eye twitched and she turned
around.
“Oh my stars, stop
singing children! Hush up now!”
The class fell silent.
She put a hand to her
forehead. “I forgot it’s my husband’s birthday! I didn’t get him anything
special.”
The brown haired girl
stood up and said, “Maybe if we call him, we could do a happy birthday
surprise!”
The teacher and kids
gathered around the boxy computer. At the husband’s house, a lone sock fell on
the call screen that read “wifey” on it.
The screen turned on,
and everyone gasped in disbelief.
The teacher’s husband
was in the process of having sex with another lady!
A tie, a bra and a
condom flew against the screen as they straddled naked in their bed.
“We won’t be needing
this,” a voice said as the condom hit the screen with Mrs. Mayberry’s face on
the other side.
The teacher sat at her
desk, looking stunned, her face turning red. The other woman was so young and
beautiful. There was her husband, clad naked and showing off his muscles and
parts to her.
“Oh yeah,” the husband
giggled, “Not there, not there.” They seemed to be also playing with sex toys.
With a blank shadowed
look on her face, the teacher suddenly stood up and walked away. If she wasn’t
going to be able to divorce that cheating bastard…
“Wait! Mrs. Mayberry!”
called the brown haired girl. She took hold of the teacher’s hand. “Remember
what you taught us…think before you act.”
There was a long pause,
the class nervous about what she would do next.
…
Instead of doing an
action she would soon regret, Mrs. Mayberry took a deep breath and pat the girl
on the head.
“You’re right,” she
said. “It’s time to settle this, reasonably.”
She got into her green
car with “I love school” on the license plate and headed home on the road. The
kids looked out the window and then at the computer.
“Oh sweetie,” said James
to Mrs. Mayberry as she came home. “What are you doing here?”
“I could ask her the same thing,” Mrs. Mayberry
retorted with a glare at Mary, the blonde lady underneath him.
“Well, I met her at a
gun show and decided to take her home for some fun…”
“No.”
“What? It’s just for a
day.”
Mrs. Mayberry crossed
her arms. “We were going to have a family, James. And you then decide to hook
up with her behind my back? What were you thinking?”
“Well…she is pretty
hot…”
Mrs. Mayberry’s face
turned red and she growled. Her fists clenched and her eyes narrowed to a
nearby gun hanging ominously on the wall…
Mrs. Mayberry closed her
eyes and took a deep breath.
“You’re…you’re not gonna
kill us, are you?” James asked with fear in his words.
“No,” Mrs. Mayberry
declared. “But I will file for divorce. Now if you two love each other so
much…get the dying buck out of my house!”
The couple obliged,
leaving the school teacher sitting on her bed, head buried in her hands.
The children watched her
sadly on the other side of the screen.
“Oh? I’m so sorry,
children,” she said as she saw them. “Don’t forget to work on your timestamps.
I’ll be back soon.”
The children nodded and
went back to their desks.
Mrs. Mayberry narrated
as she paced the E.L.F. office floor:
“I
was a good person before it all went down. I was average my entire life. You
try your best at everything, learn from all your trials…and by some stroke of
luck, you end up in Heaven with all the Martin Luther Kings and Teresas of the
world. After almost being sent to Hell for one bad mistake. So I am here now…to
make further amends.”
Mrs. Mayberry stepped
into the light from the window. She was now an angel, with white hair in a
similar flowery shape she had in life. White wings were folded behind her and a
white halo hovered above her head. She wore her usual square thin glasses and
her light purple dress was decorated with cherries. In the center were her
pendant used to be on her chest was a small golden eye. Her feline-like eyes
were a brilliant emerald green that sometimes appeared golden in the sunlight. Additionally,
she had a small furry cat tail and white cat ears with cherry earrings on
them. In Heaven, she was a popular
preschool teacher and flying instructor to the little angel children.
The head elf of E.L.F.,
Docile, listened intently from his office chair.
“Interesting. So your
husband Jarold had sex with Martha…”
“James and Mary,” Mrs.
Mayberry corrected.
“Sorry,” Docile said.
“Both of them survived. How are they now?”
Mrs. Mayberry sighed.
“My husband eventually got tired of Mary and started nasty rumors about her
being a whore. Mary felt bad about what she did and offered to make it up for
me. But by then, I had decided to adopt a few kids to call my own. I worked at
school and made sure my kids got a great education, of course. Their names are
June and Cherry, by the way.”
“Lovely names!” Docile
beamed.
“Thank you. But…last
time I checked before my death, James had died. I died of Covid several years
after my kids became teens.”
“Sorry to hear. But why
come to us?” Docile asked, standing up. “E.L.F. aims to save those who are
still alive, and from the looks of things, the people you knew in your life
appear to either be in Heaven or Hell.”
“Not all of them,”
Mayberry explained. “Mary is still alive. Now they all call her a villain.”
“How does it feel to be
such a crazy bitch?” one woman reporter mocked the blonde Mary.
“I just hope my friend
Mayberry has it better than you,” she spat.
“You are a coward. I’ll
steal your money!”
“No thank you!” Mary
glared as she and her husband Ralph shoved the reporters aside.
Mayberry explained, “Between the insults and remarks, my poor
friend got into so much debt and depression. Being spared was the worst thing
to happen to her!”
“You’re a villain!”
mocked a reporter.
“You’re a villain, girl!”
said an angry jogger, bumping into her on purpose.
“Ooooh, a big bad
villain you are!” smirked her husband when they were in bed, the only time she
liked being called that.
“My mama’s a villain to
villains!” her son declared, wearing a baseball cap.
“She is a villain!” remarked the smiling
brown-haired cashier lady, Brook with an otherworldly look in her eyes.
“You’re a villain!”
cried a pagan hippie, scooting away from Mary against doors with pentagrams on
it.
“You’re a villain?!”
exclaimed the children as they stared in confusion as Mary taught a “How to
Deal With Heartbreak 101” class.
Mary cried as she came
down with a deathly illness as her family watched. “Maybe I am a villain
whore,” she thought, silently praying to God. “I’ve made mistakes…I just want
to do more good in this world. Please, help me…”
“She’s not a villain!”
yelled Mrs. Mayberry in frustration, getting into Docile’s face.
“Oh yes, yes, my
thoughts exactly,” Docile said with a nervous look. He repeatedly pushed a
button under his desk.
The red light lit up
over a label that read “Distressed Client.” The other labels read “More Tea,”
“Client Giving Birth,” “Fell Asleep,” “Entranced Client,” “Ghost,” and
“Samael.”
In another room, a
black-haired elf man Tirred was busy giving CPR to a family of mannequins lying
down on the floor. Tirred hesitated when he came up to the woman mannequin
wearing a Satanic necklace.
“Tirred, stop shaking,” his
wife Timmid said. “You’re gonna accidentally press against our only Heaven
Cat!”
Sunna the cat lay down
nearby, wearing her usual white sun dress and goofy grin.
“Please be gentle,” she
said, staring at the ceiling. Tirred scoffed at Sunna and yawned in her face.
“Just take a deep
breath,” Timmid said, talking more to herself as she inhaled, “…and let it
out.”
“But…it’s a family,”
Tirred grumbled. “Under what circumstances would we ever need to bless a human
family for no reason?”
“I mean, if that’s what
the client wants,” Timmid began, as Tirred stood up.
“Maybe like a heroic
mom, or a family of veterans and charity workers.” He spoke through his teeth.
“That’s understandable.” Then he talked normally. “But to grant miracles to an
entire immoral…seemingly immoral, lower working class family bloodline?”
“Hey!” Sunna pipped up,
standing up. “You don’t know they’re immoral.” She pointed down to the boy
mannequin. “This kid probably saves dogs from fire.” She pointed to the girl.
“Maybe this girl feels a purpose to stand up for kids in other countries.” She
pointed to the father. “And this guy…”
Sunna closed her eyes. “The
guy definitely worships.”
“Exactly,” Timmid said.
“Humanity can be full of goodness, it’s why a select few are able to come up
here. But innocent and guilty aren’t our business, Tir.” She cupped her husband’s
cheeks. “Saving who we’re paid to is
our business. Choose a victim.”
She kissed Tirred and he
knelt down again.
“I just think it’s a bit
excessive and we could be a bit more selective, is all.”
Just then, Docile
entered the room, followed by angel Mrs. Mayberry.
“Guys! I want you to
meet…”
Tirred accidentally
slammed his mannequin hard with both fists and it shot up into the air, hitting
the ceiling. It bounced onto the other mannequins, frightened Sunna, slammed
against an altar, and rolled toward Mrs. Mayberry before Docile stopped it with
one foot.
“…our newest client!”
The flaming bowl on the
altar crashed to the floor as fire spread through the room. The water
sprinklers overhead came on, flooding the room.
“Darn it, Tirred, I just
cleansed that altar!” Docile yelled.
Eventually, they dried
up the room and waited outside. Other elves came into help, replacing
water-worn furniture and carpets. Mrs. Mayberry got into a yellow taxi cab that
took off into the air on white wings.
“Bye!” called Docile,
“and don’t worry, we’ll save your friend in less than 24 hours or you’re first
revival is free!” He waved as Mrs. Mayberry left.
“When did we start
implementing that deal?” Tirred asked, frowning.
“When you set a flood to
my office in front of a client you glooming lunatic!” Docile yelled, “Now
someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact!”
“You mean our only ticket
to the living world?” Sunna asked, pulling out a black leather-bound Bible from
behind her. “Yeah, got it.”
“And that’s why you’re
my favorite, Sunny!” Docile said, baby-talking her. “You get some milk now.”
He pulled out a glass of
milk and held it in front of her. He then tilted back his head and poured the
milk into his mouth in a smooth arc.
“Stop it,” Sunna said,
annoyed that he had stolen her milk and teased her. Then she got an idea and
gasped. “It’s spoiled!”
Docile’s eyes went wide
and he coughed up splatters of milk onto the ground.
“Ergh, so gross,” Docile
grumbled as he wiped off milk stains from his outfit and coughed again.
“You sound like you’re
coughing up a hairball, so gross,” Sunna smirked.
“Oh stop that, I get
enough of that from my therapist.”
Sunna giggled as she
left.
Timmid held a Bible in
her hands and chanted a psalm, while drawing a symbol with chalk. A glowing
blue Christian Cross surrounded by a circle appeared on a wall, opening up a
portal to the living world.
Nearby, an advertisement
read in misspellings: “Knead someone to
save in da living worlds?! Com to E Ell Fuu ck?! Be sure to position dis sign
up rite. Payment arrives via mail snail in one weak, so bee patient. -- Speech
to text, Docile.”
Docile turned to his
employees. “Now let’s go bless the mess!”
“The expression is,
‘bless the best’, Docile,” Timmid said with a smile, as she walked through the
portal.
“Mine’s better,” Docile
mentioned, following her.
“Oh, flames under copper
kettles,” Tirred swore with a sigh as he followed the two through the portal.
The three elves stood in
front of a shabby house by a lake and forest. Tirred and Docile leaned against
the side of the house, coming up from the bushes.
Docile looked through
the window. “That’s gotta be her,” he whispered. “Tirred, you want this one?”
“Me?” he asked,
surprised.
“Yeah, this one’s simple
enough for you to handle.”
Tirred peered through
the window. Mary was sick in her bed, cursing up a storm and gagging. Her
family stood by her bedside, the older daughter taking a puff of a cigarette.
“It’s just a sick mother
who doesn’t have anything left to live for.”
Tirred hesitated. Why
would there be any reason to bless this family? The woman cursed, cheated on
her husband and was probably a Satanist.
“Snooze you lose, Tir,”
Docile said. He pointed an angelic staff at the window. “And here we go…”
“Wait, are we actually
saving a family?!” Tirred asked, teeth bared.
“No, don’t be foolish,
we’re just curing a mother. We’re extending a family.”
He aimed the staff at
her, the black planet orb on the staff starting to glow teal.
“But…” Tirred began.
“Hold on, hold on, let’s just think about it…”
He lifted up Docile’s
staff and the beam fired. It hit a nearby cracked mirror in the house and it
repaired itself. Everyone in the room gasped.
“What was that, Ralph?”
Mary asked.
“I don’t know Mary,”
Ralph replied, shaking his head. He was built like a muscular man with brown
hair. “But whatever it is…”
He stood up and held a
large net. “They’re gonna be the keys to our future!”
Mary smiled and took a
big gulp of water. “Alright kids! Nets out!”
The boy and girl took
out nets and held their silver cross necklaces.
“Looks like we’ve got
some genies to catch here, youngins!” Ralph said with a chuckle as the kids
cheered.
“What in Heaven’s name
was that, Tirred?” asked a fuming Docile.
Tirred took a deep
breath and replied carelessly. “They just seemed so flawed and pathetic. I
reacted.”
Docile face-palmed.
“Everyone is flawed and pathetic but who isn’t innocent in the beginning? At
the start, you were just an innocent baby with no knowledge of hate or evil! Now
get over yourself you grouchy blue downer!”
The kids jumped out of
the open window, reflecting sunlight.
“A new light!” cried
Docile. “Scatter!”
Docile and Timmid ran
off as Ralph carried his wife through a door after them. Tirred looked around,
only for a child’s hand to playfully pull at his ears. He yelped and tried to
shoo the kids away before they dragged the short elf man back into the house.
“Where are you going,
little critter?” called Ralph, as he chased after Timmid. “You can’t hide long
from me.” Timmid hid under the dock, before bursting onto the surface. She shot
a blue blast but Ralph dodged it. Timmid tried to cast a sleeping spell on him,
and jumped into the air.
With a well-aimed swipe,
Ralph caught Timmid in the giant strong net. Timmid struggled to get free as
Ralph smiled kindly down at her.
Meanwhile, Tirred was
dragged into the house and was seated in a comfortable chair. The two kids, a
boy with brown hair and a girl with light brown pigtails stared at him with
puppy-dog eyes.
“Uh, well hello there
little brats,” Docile grumbled. “Aren’t you annoying?”
“It’s nice to have a
critter to grant our wishes,” they said.
Tirred looked around and
saw Christian Crosses hanging from the walls. Golden picture frames held awards
that the family had won over the years. Beautiful white candles lined the room
along with sculptures of cherub babies and unicorns. A bouquet of colorful
flowers lay on the table in front of Tirred.
“Oh crumbs,” he scoffed.
Meanwhile, Docile was
racing through the woods, Ralph chasing after him after capturing Timmid.
Docile hid behind a tree in fear.
“I know you’re confused,
little angel,” Ralph called out. “I promise, I can make things good for both of
us. Just come let daddy Ralph help you ascend to even greater heights! And it’s
not what it may sound like, I assure you, so please let me take you back!”
Docile’s phone rang with
a loud angelic choir and he struggled a bit before finally catching it. His
phone had a smiling halo emoji that read GBY (Go Bless Yourself).
“This is a really bad
time,” Docile muttered, the phone against his ear.
At Samael’s palace in
Heaven, the shirtless, well-muscled angel was sitting in a lotus position, eyes
closed in a steamy dark room with hot coals underneath him.
“When isn’t it a bad
time, Docy?” he mused.
“What is it?” Docile
asked in frustration. Samael held a rotary phone to his ear, the speakers
shaped like skulls.
“I’ve been meaning to
follow up on our last conversation regarding my Bible?”
Docile’s angry face
appeared in smoke. “What did you just call me?” Samael blew it away.
“My book, Docy. The book
I was given to do my job that I have allowed you to use to do yours?”
Docile ducked as a net
nearly entangled his feet. “I can hear, ya, cherub!” Ralph called.
“Sugar honey iced tea,”
Docile muttered, scurrying off.
“Anywho,” Samael
continued, “You know, I have been permitting you to access the mortal realm
less than legally for quite some time now, but I do need it back to fulfil my
duties. I was thinking, what if we worked out some sort of exchange?”
He added, “Favors for
favors?” as he slowly scrapped his claws along the floor. “Doesn’t that
sound…foreboding?”
Docile ducked behind
another tree. “You’ve got to stop with that fancy rich people talk. I’m trying
to concentrate on getting my corp twisted up!”
The net almost got his
head from above him.
“Then let me keep it
simple,” Samael said. “Once a month, on the new moon, you return the book to
me, followed by a night of…”
He grinned evilly, stretching
his legs and sinking into the lava, “Grueling repentance.” He leaned out over
the hole. “And… you get to keep it the rest of the time. Sound fair my little
elf?”
“Fine, whatever!” Docile
replied.
“Oh, Docy! I’m so
excited! I cannot wait to put you up on a torture rack and pinch your filthy
blue **** with a blade of ****…”
Docile was soon pinned
to the tree by Ralph. “Gotcha!” Docile’s phone dropped and Samael was still
talking.
Ralph grinned. “So,
you’re a little angel, huh? Come to drag me and my kin to Heaven?”
Mary slowly came forward
from behind her husband and added, “Well not today, Jesus! Y’all will grant our
desires and then we’ll send ya back to where ya came from!”
Back at the house, Tirred
was mindlessly scanning a list of requests that the kids had placed in front of
him. The lists read things like: “Please save our mother!” “Give me a brand new
pony.” “I want the humans of this world to not be mindless apes and start
caring for each other.” “All Earthlings deserve a second chance unless you’re
Hitler or Trump.” The last request was most unusual: “Give us the next Has-Been
cartoon episode along with a four inch wide, five inch deep bowl of
jazz-berries, strawberry sugar on top.”
Just then, Tirred saw
figures in white head to the lake.
“Timmid,” Tirred sighed.
Strengthening his resolve, he put on his fiercest face, stood up with claws out
and said in a deep voice to the children…
“A friend in need is a
friend indeed.”
He didn’t even know why he
said that, but it was enough to confuse the children long enough for him to
dash through a window and race toward the lake.
Ralph and Mary were
singing heavenly melodies in hooded white robes as Timmid and Docile were tied
to their own staffs. Candles were lit and an altar with a bowl of holy water
stood nearby.
“Sugar honey iced tea, I
had that shot, gosh darn it, Tirred,” Docile scoffed. Both struggled to get
free.
“Jesus!” Mary said with
the last of her strength. “We compel your divine creatures to grant us our many
well-thought out wishes! May the root of holiness remained honored as we
continue thy work!”
Ralph clapped his hands
in excitement.
With coughs, Mary picked
up the bowl of holy water with shaking hands. She then walked over to the elves
and poured the water over their heads.
Mary and Ralph smiled
expectantly for a moment.
“Yeah, that’s not
exactly how it works, lady,” Docile said. “You see holy water doesn’t really
let us be entranced but we could pretend to be if you let us go.”
“Huh? Oh poop.” Then she
got an idea. “Then I’ll just bless you guys instead! You want to meet Jesus in
person, don’t you?”
“I’ve always wanted to
meet him in person,” Docile said. “I heard he’s kind of a hippie.”
“Docile!” Timmid
scolded.
Mary laughed for a few
seconds until she clutched at her chest. The illness had finally gotten to her
and she collapsed to the ground. Ralph screamed at the sight of his newly
deceased wife. Tirred arrived from behind and placed his staff against Mary’s
chest. After a flash of teal light, the woman was healed. Mary gasped for
breath saying, “Where am I?”
“Tirred!” Timmid called
out. Tirred ran over and freed his companions.
“You’re not getting your
paycheck for this one, Tir,” Docile remarked as he fell down, his staff falling
and bonking him on the head. “Ow!”
Timmid and Tirred
embraced as the human family sobbed in happiness sitting on the ground.
“I’m okay,” Docile
moaned. Tirred helped him up. “I’m sorry, sir. I compromised our objective and
put us in harm’s way. It won’t happen again. I promise.”
“Apology accepted this
time,” Docile said, hugging him. Then he muttered, “But if you ever pull off a
stunt like this again, I’ll overwork you and your wife…alright!” he added
quickly standing up. “Job well done! Now let’s get off.”
“Wait a second,” Tirred
called. “I need to settle things with them.”
“Ok, but hurry up,”
Docile said, before saying into his phone, “Sunna, we’re ready to come home,
dear!”
Tirred could briefly
hear Docile and Samael talking. Samael was saying something like, “You and I
are on ****** angel’s eyeballs and hot gold all night.”
Tirred stared at Ralph
who was hugging his wife and two children in his arms.
“What are you gonna do,
little guy?” Ralph asked. “Bless us some more?”
“I should,” Tirred said,
aiming his staff at them before lowering it. “You people are…interesting. But,
you deserve a word of warning. Look at your children. They have their whole
future ahead of them. Do not be swayed down the path of greed and
unfaithfulness. Remember, there’s still an 85% chance that you’ll go to Hell. I
hope you won’t feel so compelled to pursue any more selfish desires.”
Tirred gave them one
last glare and left, meeting the other elves back at the portal in the dark
woods.
“There you are,” Docile
said. “Have a good spiritual reflection session, Tirred?”
“What?”
“Look, I don’t care
where you pray in the living world, just pray
you’ll come to work on time, alright? See you at the office!” He raced
through the portal.
“Feeling better now,
honey?” Timmid asked.
“Yeah, I just needed a
little time to process,” Tirred said.
“You have a good heart,
sweetie,” Timmid said. “Just a grumpy head.” She playfully pinched her husband’s
cheek and kissed him. A dopy expression came on Tirred’s usually grumpy face.
Tirred turned around and
saw the father and the children testing positive for Covid 19. All three of
them died and went to Heaven instead of Hell. They hardly had any chance to prove
themselves as heroes or average sinners. Tirred wasn’t sure which was worse, a
good family that had no true evidence of being good or an evil family who died
before getting a chance to redeem themselves. Tirred stared in shock before Docile pulled
him through the portal.
Back at the office, two
of the elves, Sunna and Mrs. Mayberry had cake and laughed. “We did it,” was
written in blue frosting on the white angel’s food cake. (Devil’s food cake was
forbidden). Everyone laughed except for a fuming Tirred who sat in the middle.
A banner overhead read: “saved the dame.” Tirred was angry that they had saved
a woman who appeared quite flawed in the eyes of many in Heaven. Not to mention
that an imperfect family had been given access into Heaven.
Tirred wasn’t sure if he
agreed to the “senseless blessings” morals of E.L.F. anymore.
Timmid hugged Tirred
around his neck and smiled. “Did you see that? He did it! Oh Tirred!”
“Well here’s to another
mission accomplished,” Docile announced. “And Tirred here finally learned to
fess up.”
“And blessing people
with what they don’t want, but rather with what they need is no big deal if
they are too involved with what they want for themselves,” Timmid added.
“That’s harsh and
confusing, but I paid for it!” Mayberry added as everyone except Tirred laughed
again.
“Yeah, bless that
family!” Docile declared.
