Helluva Boss: Pilot (Remix)

 

Not too far away from Pentagram City lay a shady place in the bowels of Hell. “Welcome to Imp City: est. 1981” was posted on a worn wooden sign with a white painted eye toward the top. Under a crimson sky, a wide array of buildings made up the city, some with spikes on the roofs. Downtrodden imps of various colors and sizes mulled around the streets and ghettos. Mugging, sex, drugs, poverty, and murder were common aspects of their everyday afterlives. Indeed, being considered “lesser demons” and the “lowest of the low,” not very many had opportunities granted to them.

 

Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.

 

Just who were these imps?

 

A nearby screen showed old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1. Blitzo, a red and white faced imp, appeared on stage in front of purple open curtains. “Hi there! I’m Blitzo! The “O” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.!” He put out his hand and the logo appeared above it. The “M” in I.M.P. looked like imp horns, black and white in color. Down below were the words “Immediate Murder Professionals.”

 

Blitzo spoke again. “Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?”

A picture of Blitzo with a mustache and two black top hats over his horns was grinning evilly as a building burned in the background. The sign nearby read “Orphanage for elderly, blind, and newborn dogs.”

 

“Or are you an innocent soul who just happened to get fucked over by someone else?!”

 

The next image showed Blitzo in a white angel costume, happily throwing away a Styrofoam coffee cup in a wastepaper basket instead of a recycling bin in an office.

 

In the next shot, Blitzo held up a sign which read “Some guy who hired us!” A buff horned red demon wearing a white Ohio shirt stood not too far from the camera, a 666 News billboard in the background. He punched one fist into his hand.

 

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you can imagine my surprise when I wound down here, after the state of Ohio killed me! I really wish I could stick it to that yappy jogger who saw me hiding the body!”

 

Blitzo appeared again, this time with his fellow imps Millie and Moxxie in the background. A white-clothed altar with a mirror and skulls on it was in the very back. White candles were spread around the room. The two imps were sitting at a pentagram drawn on the floor. Blitzo held a blue Satanic ritual book in his hand.

 

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”

 

He waved his hand and a flaming portal appeared in the center of the room, causing Moxxie and Millie to scatter.

 

“…we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!” He happily fell through the portal on his back like it was a mosh pit.

 

Then the musical jingle started:

 

“When you want somebody gone

And you don’t want to wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals!”

 

“Hand grenade or cyanide

We’ll make it look like suicide

The Immediate Murder Professionals!”

 

“We do our job so well

‘Cause we come straight up from Hell!”

 

“We’ll kill your husband or you wife

We’ll even let you keep the knife,

 

The Immediate…Murder…Professionals!

 

Kids die for freeee!”

 

A white person appeared with a thought bubble of his enemy with a red x. A demon fell to the floor and the person looked up. The I.M.P. logo appeared, silhouettes of Millie with a spear, Moxxie with a gun and Blitzo in the middle, spreading out his arms to make an “M.”

 

Fast paced shots flashed through the ad.

 

Moxxie throwing a grenade out a window as his companions grinned.

 

Blitzo hanging a person in an office building while Moxxie watched. Millie held a suicide note in her hand with a grin.

 

Then more killing scenes flashed: Blitzo electrocuting a person, Millie using a mace, Moxxie choking his victim.

 

Blitzo led the way through a portal to Earth, Millie and Moxxie following. Moxxie tripped on a book and landed on his face while the others posed. They then stood up shocked…at the people in a church staring at them in confusion.

 

Millie killed a naked couple with a chainsaw while Blitzo looked greedily at a woman’s underwear.

 

Blitzo repeatedly stabbed someone else tied up near a “Blitzo show” sign at a circus.

 

The three imps used more methods to kill Earthlings: Medieval torture racks, shark attacks, fire and gasoline on someone, pillow suffocation, crushing someone to death with a grand piano, the electric chair for a prisoner…

 

“Kids die for freeeee!” ended the ad.

 

Moxxie and Millie sang a murder love song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxie played on his purple demon-face guitar as Millie watched him with love in her eyes. It reminded them of the good times when they would shot at demons together in the streets, drag a bloody sack behind them and when Millie got a grenade as a present and used it to blow up a building.

 

“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill

And my Millie goes in for the kill

She takes away my breath

She’s the angel of death for me

Oh Millie

She’s a queen, it’s like a dream

When I hear her victims start to scream

Get him out of the sack

She’s a maniac for me

Oh Millie

When the blood starts dripping down the sides

And the bodies start to fall from the skies

My heart skips a beat

When my Millie’s guns a blazing in the night

That’s in love

She makes the murdering fun for me”

 

Both of them hummed before Moxxie finished,

 

 “Of all the imps in Hell…

Millie joined in, “It’s for him that I fell…”

“Oh Millie.” They leaned in for a kiss.

 

They paused. Moxxie yelled, while looking out the window. His boss, Blitzo was pressed against the window with a video camera. “Are you fucking filming us right now?!”

 

Moxxie sighed, as a smiling Blitzo held up a sign which read “Meeting in 20 min: nice job banging yo’ wife!”

 

0 0 0

 

Just before the meeting, the head imp, Blitzo walked into the receptionist room.

 

“Blitz!” called Loona, the hellhound, holding a bone shaped phone in her hand. “That clingy rich asshole is on the phone! Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you!” Then she added in a lower voice, “Sounds a little DTF-y.” (Down to Fuck)

 

Blitzo spilled water on himself as he talked with Moxxie by the water cooler. “Oh god it was one time! We wouldn’t have access to the living world…if I hadn’t slept with that privileged asshole!”

 

“You what?” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

 

“Blitz!” Loona barked in outrage.

 

“I heard you already!” Blitzo yelled. He stomped into his office and picked up his red cell phone. He played with little bobble heads of his imp coworkers, Moxxie and Millie. Signs were tacked to the wall, reading: “The Incredible Blitzo! One night only! Tickets now at the Big Top!”

 

“So…” Blitzo beamed nervously, “What can I do you for this time, Stolas?”

 

The owl overlord replied, lounging on his couch in a royal red robe and a crown.

 

“Remember that time when I told you that a political candidate was causing problems up on Earth for a few of my associates? That he tried to convince people that global warming existed?”

 

“Yes?” Blitzo answered.

 

“And that it does, but more people die when nothing’s done about it? Oh, how lonely I felt.”

 

“Okay well, yeah that makes sense,” Blitzo said.

 

“But now…” he hooted in laughter. “There are tons of new sinners coming down here every day! I just had a feast and a murder party several nights ago. I wondered why a horde of people arrived and it’s because of a disease called the coronavirus! My, it’s the best thing to ever happen since my wedding and my darling daughter Octavia’s graduation from flight school!”

 

“Well…I’m very happy for you, sir,” Blitzo said. “I hope that…corn-ah virus does its thing.”

 

Stolas sighed. “My wife Stella wasn’t happy with me, though. She said you fell onto a cake in the middle of a lunch with her and the royal officials during her tea party.”

 

A tense silence.

 

Blitzo examined his chest and arms. “I still have the talon scars and peck marks to prove it.”

 

“And she also said that you stole one of my books, is that true?”

 

“No! No way!” Blitzo lied with a nervous laugh. “That was another imp long ago. I…may not have sneaked out while you slept and shed feathers and said, ‘I got the book, I got the book, I got this fucking heavy book!’ And then I yelled, ‘Oh shit!’ and fell down from the balcony into the cake with the book. Then I told her ‘Sorry I fucked your husband!’”

 

A tense silence.

 

Blitzo added nervously, “Can I tell you how great it felt…sleeping with you?”

 

“Indeed,” Stolas agreed with a contented sigh, forgetting about the imp’s trouble-making. “Your sharp horns and claws ruffling through my feathers, and my talons and beak exploring your multicolored flesh. You know what happens when I’m lonely, Blitzy?”

 

“Oh, god fucking dammit…” Blitzo muttered to himself.

 

Stolas’ eyes grew red. “When I’m lonely, I become hungry. And when I’m become hungry…I want to choke on that red dick of yours!  **** your ***** then lick all of your *****, before taking out your **** and **** with more teeth until you’re screaming ******** like a fucking baby!”

 

Blitzo hung up the phone, the words on Stolas’ picture reading “creepy mouth: aka one night stand bird dick.” and smashed it with a rotary phone. He threw the pieces into a blender and mixed it up.

 

“Eat this!” he told Loona who walked in and drank the red liquid.

 

“And then y’know that bridge over the freeway?” he asked.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Shit off it! It’s time for the meeting, let’s go.”

 

 0 0 0

The imps currently resided in a tall office building that seemed to stand out among the other structures. Along with spikes jutting from the roof and sides, there were a pair of giant black and white imp horns attached to the sides of the building for decoration. The lights inside near the top floor were on.

 

Posted on a door were the words “I.M.P. Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.

 

On a white board was a bar graph and a line graph, the line graph pointing lower at a drawing of a raging horned demon. “Fix this shit!” was written in big bold letters that took up much of the board. “Blitzo is the best, by Blitzo” was scribbled off to the side. Several tall chairs with spikes jutting from the top boarders were set near a brown table in the center of the room. A white pentagram was drawn in the center of the table.

 

Up front, a black, white, and red colored imp paced back and forth, sprouting long curved striped horns: Blitzo. He wore black fingerless gloves with what looked like a yellow eye design on each glove. He was dressed in a slender navy blue business suit with light red buttons. A small round pink pin with black eyes and a stitched mouth was attached onto a red undershirt below his slender chin. What looked like a black two-clawed print mark lay over his red forehead. Along with sharp teeth, the imp has red iris eyes with yellow sclera. Like a typical devil, he also had a red pointed tail. He had four red finger-shaped claws on each hand.

 

Blitzo began to speak, pacing back and forth. He looked toward his audience of two imps and a hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.

 

“Alright, now I know business has been…a bit slow lately, yes.”

 

He mentioned to the board at the downward sloping line. “In fact, there seems to be less people seeking out our services; 1,056 in comparison to the 1,066 from last month. We’ve basically spiraled from the True Blue Market to that of the Raging Bull.” He pointed at the roaring demon head drawing on the board.

 

“Shouldn’t it be the Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.

 

“Loona, nobody cares,” Blitzo said. He continued.

 

“Any decrease could spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and yet look down on us.”

 

 Blitzo cleared his throat and spread out his hands. “It’s no one’s fault, okay? I’m not naming any names here…Moxxie.”

 

Moxxie raised his eyebrows in a “what the hell?” gesture as Blitzo looked at him. The serious imp had a red face, yellow eyes, white hair framing his face and stripped horns jutting off to the sides in slight curves. He wore a large red bow-tie and a navy blue suit. White freckles were present under his eyes.

 

Blitzo continued, “Now does anyone have…any bright ideas on how we can get business drummin’ up again?”

 

Millie, the bubbly imp raised her hand. She had a red face, messy black hair with a white flower patch near the top, and short black horns with faint white stripes. Her eyes were also yellow and she wore a black top, black torn pants, high heeled shoes and a little black choker around her neck. Her eyelashes extended past her face.

 

Millie waved her hand and beamed, eyes shining. “What…about…a car wash?!”

 

“This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay?”

 

Just then, there came a coughing from the other room. A small cyclops demon with hot pink hair with a patch of yellow opened the door and walked in. She brushed off soot from her hot pink skirt and waved at the group, who stared in surprise.

 

“Hi, I’m Niffty! It’s nice to meet you. Are you part of I.M.P.?”

 

“Uh yes?” Blitzo replied, unsure of what to make of this random maid.

 

“Oh great, because one of my friends sent me here to investigate, he’s a busy chap, you know, and oh so dreamy!”

 

She darted around the room and began removing cobwebs from the windows. “It looks like there are two men, a woman and a dog here, a nice balance.”

 

Loona, the grey hellhound glared at Niffty, narrowing her red eyes. “What was that, you little shit?”

 

Loona had a red cell phone in her clawed paws, the back of the phone displaying a black upside down cross. She wore a grey top with black strings in the shape of an inverted pentagram. A spiked collar was around her neck. Her pants were dark and torn, with a white crescent moon on them. Her feet were bare and her hair and tail were thick with white and dark fur.

 

Niffty stopped in her tracks. “Now, did you guys need any cars to be washed?”

 

Blitzo shook his head. “We don’t have any cars here, we’re broke as fuck.”

 

Millie stared at Niffty and cupped her own cheeks with her hands. “Oh my Satan! She’s so adorable! Can we keep her?!”

 

“No!” Moxxie and Loona said at the same time. The two workers then glared at each other.

 

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We’re in the middle of a meeting right now. Do you mind?!” He pointed to the door.

 

Niffty laughed nervously, “Oh okay, sorry about that, hehehe! I’ll be outside if you need me!”

 

She scurried out of the room.

 

Blitzo paused for a moment, then said, “Oh right! Ideas for our company!” He waved his hands, his eyes shining. “Ooh, what about a billboard?”

 

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We can’t afford a billboard, sir.”

 

Blitzo rushed over and held Moxxie in a headlock. His voice was rushed and sarcastic, “Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you’re in the room right now.” He shoved Moxxie away.

 

Blitzo stared in frustration. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?”

 

He picked up a remote and turned on an old fashioned TV.

 

After static appeared on screen, the footage showed the group killing off individuals.

 

Blitzo bashing a red demon’s head with a mullet.

 

Moxxie shooting a blue person tied up to a chair.

 

Loona grabbing a red person in her mouth and shaking the person side to side like a wolf.

 

Millie beheading a blue person with a spear and laughing.

 

Blitzo watched with a relaxed smile on his face, holding up a blue bowl of popcorn. Loona sat on the table, popping popcorn pieces into her mouth. Millie was perched on the table, enjoying the show, but Moxxie stood off to the side with a grumpy face.

 

Posters hung from the walls, one showing Blitzo and his twin sister Barbie Wire (a smiling imp with ram-like horns.) It was a picture of them at a circus, the banner reading “The Amazing Imp Siblings!”  Tilla, was a kind-faced red imp with long black hair who stood behind them in the background. She helped raise her two twin children for much of their life. Blitzo remembered the good times he had with them when they performed on stage. Barbie Wire would balance on a tightrope, holding a pole with flames on either end. Blitzo’s childhood friend Fizzarolli would do acrobatic tricks in the air to the amusement of the audience. Even Tilla would tame manticores, dragons, lions and vicious mythical beasts that were released into the arena. Blitzo would tell jokes and sing songs about murdering people and they would all pose and bow at the end as the crowd cheered. Blitzo and Fizzarolli would also wear shirts with Mammon’s symbols on it, admiring the rich jester ruler.

 

That was before Blitzo moved on to form I.M.P., recruited Moxxie and Millie, and adopted Loona.

 

Blitzo moved his hand toward his chest and sighed with content. “Ahh, those were the good times.”

 

Moxxie spoke up as Millie ate a piece of popcorn. “I don’t need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches.”

 

Blitzo turned his head, insulted. “Uh, hey, excuse me.” He stood up. “What’s ‘obnoxious’ about a super-fun jingle, all right? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spittin’ bullshit!”

 

He walked across the room.

 

“People love musicals, sir,” Millie added.

 

Blitzo smiled. “Exactly, Millie! And we’re basically doin’ a musical.” Blitzo did jazz hands before pointing rapidly at Moxxie with a scowl.

 

“Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?” He lowered his head.

 

“Sir…” Moxxie began, but his boss cut him off.

 

“Because right now, all I see is just my dad’s asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.” He turned his head away.

 

Millie leaned in toward her husband and spoke with a teasing tone. “Are you trying to crush his dreams, Moxxie?”

 

“I…what?” he asked, looking at her. Millie leaned in close and stuck out her tongue, tail curling. “I thought I knew you.” Moxxie rolled his eyes; his wife loved to annoy him.

 

Blitzo turned back to Moxxie, tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe you, Moxxie. After I made you employee of the month!” He held a picture of Moxxie with his mouth open in a roar, snake tongue showing.

 

Moxxie threw up his hands, “Okay, sir! I’m sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

 

“I liked it!” Millie pipped up.

 

Moxxie turned to her, finger shaking, “Do not…do not agree with him in front of me!”

 

Loona sat, bored, playing on her phone. Moxxie’s head appeared on the screen but was crushed by a weight and then blown up by a bomb. At one point his face was sliced in half as “boom!” flashed across the screen.

 

“Remember when we shot that kid on Earth?” Blitzo asked.

 

Moxxie got a flashback. “Oh, right. I shot that boy who was walking around licking strawberry ice cream. It was an accident. He was taken on a stretcher to the hospital.”

 

The pink haired nurse had said, “Doctor, he’s not responding!”

 

“Cool water, stat!” The blue-haired man had said next. He slammed water down on the boy and said, “It didn’t do anything!”

 

The doctor had said, “Damn it! I’m not losing another one! “Clear!” Then they had shocked him and the boy somehow woke up with a gasp. The doctor said “Holy shit, it actually worked.”

 

Millie then explained that the three of them sat in the waiting room. Blitzo read a magazine while Millie comforted Moxxie. The doctor had said to the imps, “He appears to be in stable condition, but he’ll need surgery. Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?”

 

Then Blitzo asked, “The fuck is insurance?”

 

Moxxie sighed, “…and then they kicked us and the boy out through the window, briefly getting caught on the stretcher, and we fell back into Hell.”

 

A moment later, Moxxie spoke, hands forward in front of him. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident was Loona’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It’s very simple.”

 

“Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie,” Loona replied without looking up.

 

Moxxie stuttered angrily, looking for a comeback. “You sit! Sit on…a… and the d...do your job!” He slammed his palm on the table.

 

Blitzo scolded him. “Hey, now we don’t blame our screw-ups on Loona, okay?! She didn’t do anything wrong!” He hugged her and nuzzled his head against her cheek, the hellhound growling at him to get off.

 

Moxxie stared in disbelief. “Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful!”

 

Lonna looked at her phone. “The other day, right? I answered the puppy barking bone shaped phone and said ‘Hello, I.M.P.’ Millie was yelling, ‘Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox…’ and then I hung up. Wasn’t my problem. My Hellhound Monthly magazine was much more interesting.”

 

“Don’t forget about my adoption anniversary gift I gave you at home!” Blitzo said, scratching his neck.

 

Lonna seethed. “Don’t remind me. It wasn’t a cure for syphilis, I didn’t want it! It so happened to be black spiders, crawling all over me!”

 

“Again, I’m sorry it was spiders,” Blitzo said.

 

“God damn it, apology not accepted!”

 

“You should be thankful that I rescued you after your hellhound family kicked you out,” Blitzo remarked.

 

Loona’s ears twitched. Millie stared nervously. “I was perfectly capable of fending for myself,” barked Loona, looking up from her phone for the first time. “There was nothing special about them, other than all the alcohol, meth and drugs they took. My parents never cared about us. I mean, they sent off my other siblings to work for other Overlords and were never seen again. Perhaps I was fortunate enough to not have to deal with them.”

 

Blitzo had tears in his eyes. He hugged her again. “Well, at least you’ve got me, Moxxie, and Millie as your new family!”

 

Loona hid a smile and just bared her fangs. “Get off of me before I bite your face off!”

 

Blitzo stepped back.

 

Loona then smiled and looked at Moxxie, a look of mischief in her red eyes.

 

Moxxie scowled. “Excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss the other day?”

 

“No,” Loona answered. “I was busy watching the princess sing in that video.”

 

“Wha-Why…Why would anyone send me that?!” Moxxie argued.

 

“Come on, you know why.” She smirked.

 

“I’m not chubby, thank you very much! Not to mention, you were the one who ate my avocado salad lunch! How rude.”

 

“I took it because I had the worst hangover.”

 

“But why would you drink on a work night?” Millie asked.

 

“I was hungover from that morning, dumbasses!” Loona said to Moxxie and Millie. “I couldn’t take your assaults much longer. So I decided to blow some fucking steam! I kicked a baby in a carriage down the street and caused some destruction. Felt good afterwards.”

 

Blitzo mentioned to Loona. “Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family and we don’t get rid of family.”

 

“We aren’t a family, sir!” Moxxie pointed out. “You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she’s some troubled teenager! She’s more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phone!”

 

Loona flipped him the bird.

 

“That is offensive!” said Blitzo, walking to the window, pulling open the blinds. “Without homeless people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life!”

 

 Outside, a homeless imp with a broken horn and ragged grey clothing held up a sign that read “Monee helps. Satan Bless.” An imp woman with black clothing and little bat wings blushed at Blitzo who waved and did a playful raise of eyebrows before closing the blinds.

 

Moxxie crossed his arms. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?”

 

“Come on, sweetie, it’s not that big a deal!” Millie said.

 

Moxxie’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me…what?! Back at home, I asked you, ‘Honey, can you get the butter?’ You said, ‘sure sweetie’.”

 

“Spoiler alert, the butter’s spoiled!” Blitzo added. Millie giggled.

 

 “He was in our fucking fridge! He was spying on me while I was asleep. And worse, he fucking filmed me and you while we were singing and about to kiss!”

 

Blitzo giggled. “I still have it on camera.”

 

“It’s fine, honey,” Millie replied to Moxxie, patting his shoulder. “The “spoiler alert, butter’s spoiled!” was a funny impressive use of wordplay Blitzo used.”

 

“Why was he in our fridge anyway?” Moxxie countered. “And then I was dreaming that my parents were being murdered and Blitzo interrupted it. I wanted to get back to that.”

 

“I was just curious,” Blitzo responded.

 

“Just…stop...doing that,” Moxxie growled.

 

“I don’t see what the issue is!” said Blitzo. “There somethin’ you don’t want me seein’?” A mischievous silly look crossed his face.

 

“No!” Moxxie spat, eye twitching.

 

“You a baby-weiner-havor?” Blitzo asked, another term for a small dick.

 

Loona giggled under her breath.

 

Moxxie was fed up and stood. “Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!”

 

Millie pulled him down gently. “Calm down, Mox, you’re gonna have another panic attack!”

 

“I am calm!” he yelled.

 

Millie rubbed his head and soothed him. “Shh, shh, there, there.” Moxxie whimpered.

 

Blitzo spoke again with a childish grin, making a hole with two fingers and tapping the opening with one finger. “Look, I don’t judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours, so don’t...judge…me!”

 

Veins popped out of Moxxie’s yellow eyes. “Oh I do judge you, sir! Quite a lot, actually!” He crossed his arms as Millie gasped in horror.

 

“Mox, he’s our boss!”

 

“No, no, no, it’s fine, Mills,” said Blitzo with a wave of his hand. “Your husband is just…how do I say this without being offensive…retarded.”

 

“Does immaturingly insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single, life?”

 

Blitzo leaned in toward Moxxie. “It actually does.”

 

Loona appeared to agree, because she added to Moxxie, “The only reason you have a wife is because you’re easy to manage!”

 

Moxxie gasped. She had called Moxxie submissive.

 

“No he’s not, you bitch!” Millie yelled, holding up two middle fingers.

 

“Do not talk to my assistant that way!” Blitzo demanded. “She’s sensitive!”

 

“Yes, I am!” Loona barked, snapping her jaws.

 

Then a squeaky voice sounded from nearby: “You guys are all fucking assholes.”

 

Everyone turned and stared at a boy wearing an orange shirt with a planet on it. He had brown hair, a blue baseball cap on and was connected to a monitor.

 

Blitzo pointed at him. “Oh shut up, kid, you’re lucky to witness this!”

 

Moxxie pinched his nose and sighed in frustration. “Ugh, this company is such a mess!”

 

“Did someone call me?” Niffty’s voice rang from the hallway. She opened the door a crack. “I can clean up any messes you may have!”

 

“No!” Moxxie called. “Go away!”

 

Niffty slowly closed the door.

 

An awkward silence…

 

“Alright, let’s get back to talking about my outfit!” Blitzo said out of nowhere.

 

“Nobody was talking about that!” Loona mentioned.

 

“Which is why I’m tryin’ to get that ball rolling. So how does it look? It’s good, right?”

 

The kid pointed his finger at Blitzo. He ripped off the wires from his stomach.

 

“It’s been a literal hell pretending to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn’t kill me, but now? I want that. I want death! You!” he pointed to Blitzo. “You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I’m a kid! We’re supposed to like clowns…even the creepy ones!”

 

Moxxie scoffed. “Hey now! That’s not very…”

 

The kid cut him off. “If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I’d rip out your spine and ask you some shit.”

 

Moxxie shivered in fear.

 

“That’s my husband you’re talkin’ to!” Millie yelled.

 

The kid snickered. “That’s your husband?! I figured you for a slut, but I didn’t know you needed dick that bad!” 

 

Millie fumed at her husband being called ugly and weak. To think that she would have sex with anyone else at random…

 

“And you!” The kid pointed at Loona.

 

“What? What about me?” Loona asked.

 

The kid crossed his arms. “Nothing. I don’t talk to dogs. I’m a cat person.”

 

Loona whined.

 

“Wow,” said Blitzo. “You know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.”

 

“Yeah, after all, he’s kind of a piece of shit,” Moxxie muttered.

 

A ding came from Loona’s phone. She smiled. “Oh fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all!”

 

“Who?” Blitzo asked.

 

“Him.”

 

“Me?” asked the kid.

 

“Yup,” she confirmed.

 

“They wanted us to kill an actual child?” Blitzo asked.

 

“That’s what they’re sayin’,” Loona said.

 

Blitzo grinned and twirled a gun in his hand. His job just got more fun and easier. “Well Christ on a stick, I guess there is a God!” He fired and fatally shot the boy in the chest. He flopped down dead in a pool of blood, smoke and sparks lingering in the air.

 

Blitzo spoke about I.M.P.: “Y’know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people! So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money… is gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review, but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fuckin’ cares.”

 

Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie kicked the dead kid on the floor, enjoying themselves. Loona snapped a picture with her phone and recorded the scene. After the imps left with the body, Niffty came in and gasped.

 

“Well, time to clean this up. What a mess!” She hummed a happy tune as she mopped up the blood at rapid speed.

 

Blitzo and Moxxie wore gas masks and green suits as Blitzo sawed off the boy’s arm and Moxxie sawed his chest, organs spilling out into a sack below. Millie tossed an arm into the sack and Loona helped hold open the sack. Moxxie dropped the boy’s severed head inside and shared a loving smile with his wife.

 

Etched in red graffiti on a dumpster behind them were the words “Devil,” “Hell,” “Happy Hotel,” and “I’m always chasing rainbows.” A pentagram, and wide smiles were also doodled on the surface.

 

Blitzo embraced the entire group in a forceful hug, knocking the phone from Loona’s hands.

 

“Y’know, even though this kid was a target…he’s still a child. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward respectfully.” Blitzo wrapped his long tail around the group, all of them smiling genuinely. For despite all their problems, they were still a company family.

 

Back in the human world, a crying blonde mother wearing a pink shirt and a necklace held up a paper saying “missing boy.” Below in large letters read on the news: “Mom sucks at drawing own kid!” Words say “There is a missing boy!’ and “Yet another missing kid!”

 

The mother spoke into the microphone and sobbed, “Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at…b-oohh!”

 

She gasped as a sack dropped into her hands. She and the news reporter looked up to see a smiling Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie through a portal up above.

 

“You’re welcome!” Blitzo called with a wave before the portal closed. The mother looked inside the bag and screamed. “My son! He’s dead! Noooo!”