Helluva Boss Episode Four: C.H.E.R.U.B. (Remix)

 

A brilliant pair of golden wrought iron gates gleamed in rays of sunlight. The gates stood on a pile of clouds colored white, blue, orange and pink. The gates had curves and a white cloud arch design on the double doors. The doors opened to reveal a hovering blue-gray crystalline structure shaped like a sun in the center, which may have been a Throne angel. An office building was designed like a large golden harp near a cobblestone path. A series of buildings rested atop more clouds, glass and windows within curved cloud-like roofs of blue and orange. A nearby sign framed by clouds read “Cherub Towne,” opposite of “Imp City,” in Hell. Beyond another golden gate was a silver city of buildings off in the distance surrounded by teal halos: Holy City. Like Imp City, Cherub Towne lay on the outskirts of Heaven, further from the more dominant society of ethereal alien-like angels. And like Imps, Cherubs were of the lower class in comparison to the saints (former good humans gone to Heaven) and the elite HeavenBorn angels.

 

The C.H.E.R.U.B. headquarters consisted of a tall office building with a golden design over it shaped like a harp. The “strings” were positioned over the windows. Down below, the trees were shaped like various swirled candies. Inside the office building was a sign on a door that read “C.H.E.R.U.B. Headquarters.” Cletus, the leader, paced back and forth as his colleagues sat at a round white table decorated with a dark purple Christian Cross on it. They sat in white wooden polished chairs in the immaculate room. On the walls were portraits of the cherubs in the sky with angelic choirs in the background. Written on the white board in front of them were the words “God loves you,” “Praise Jesus,” “Love saves lives,” and “Be a sheep, not a creep!” Various bar graphs and pie charts were on the board as well.

 

Cletus had the appearance of a little boy wearing reddish overalls and a yellow undershirt with a white collar. He had a chubby pale baby face with clown-like blushes off to the sides. His eyes were large and purple and his short hair was a light ginger pink in a fluffy style. His elegant wings were white feathers with purple feathers toward the bases. A white halo hovered over his head. Cletus was short-tempered, self-righteous and dedicated to his job.

 

“Greetings everyone!” he said, waving one of his flabby small arms. “I know business has been a bit on the decline, but I know we all have what it takes to move it back up. I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault…”

 

Cletus glanced at one of his colleagues, Collin, who whimpered softly. Collin resembled an anthropomorphic sheep with white wooly hair and a periwinkle face. His eyes were purplish and his hooves were thick and lavender. He wore a sky blue shirt and white overalls with a white bow tie around his neck. He had white feathery wings with a curved light purple base, plus he had a halo. Collin was the most sensitive and kind of the three, caring about his clients and humans the most. He was the only one who showed sympathy toward mortals, rather than as an obligation to his job like the other two cherubs.

 

“I completed all the paperwork, I swear,” said Collin. Collin had been a record keeper of human sin, choices and religions for decades. Now he recorded God’s messages, and the progress of each human they saved.

 

“Make no mistakes!” Cletus said. “You know how God and the authorities are about mistakes…”

 

Collin gulped briefly as Cletus’ shadow covered his face. He rapidly nodded before Cletus pulled back.

 

“Excellent! Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get our business drumming up again?” Cletus asked.

 

Keenie eagerly raised her hoof. She was a yellow anthropomorphic sheep with yellow wooly hair and a yellow face. She wore a frilly yellow flowery dress with red trim and a large red bow. Her butterfly-shaped wings were yellow and her eyes had purple pupils with red irises. She also had a yellow halo above her head. Although she was dedicated to her job, she was overly modest and judgmental. She viewed demons as dirt and had low tolerance for what she deemed as inappropriate.

 

“What about a car wash?” she asked.

 

“Cars are already clean here,” Cletus mentioned. “Hmm, maybe a billboard.”

 

“Already have one,” Collin mentioned, pointing to a large sign outside.

 

The billboard showed the three cherubs in a happy hug. In bold white letters to the left, it read “C.H.E.R.U.B. (Certified Heaven Employees’ Reliable Uplifting Business.) We’re Here To Spread Life And Love At No Cost! Call Us Today At 1-800-CHERUB Or Go Online At 7thHeavenEvangellicAnimals.com.”

 

Cletus sighed happily. “One of our greatest accomplishments thus far.”

 

Collin glanced at a piece of paper with comments on it. “It appears that our progress has been well-received by many. But there have been a few complaints. Like this one: ‘You spend all your time saving random people but where were you when Kobe Bryant died? Or Brianna Taylor? James Lipton ring any bells? And how dare you failed to save our beloved Ariana Margarita Rodriguez Hernandez?! If you guys weren’t non-profit, I’d sue you…but I think I will anyway!’”

 

Collin looked downcast. “Those people are now here in Heaven. Sadly we can’t save everybody. And does anyone know who that Ariana What A Mouthful Name Is?”

 

Everyone shrugged their shoulders and briefly gave her a moment of respectful silence. Then Cletus interrupted it.

 

“Oh that reminds us!” Cletus exclaimed happily, lifting up a finger. “We have our next client to visit on Earth…and he’s a Lipton too!”

 

He pulled out a picture of an old bald man from his overall pocket. “This is Lyle Lipton, a famous inventor of Lyle-Loopty Robotics!”

 

“What?” Collin asked. “I thought we were supposed to be visiting James Lipton?”

 

“Nope, this guy is different,” Cletus said. “He’s helped make vehicles, robots, cell phones…even experimented with machines for anti-aging! Very wealthy too.”

 

“It’s incredible how much human cultures over the centuries have influenced the very fabrics of Heaven and Hell,” Collin added. “Clothing, cuisine, customs…it’s like a mesh of time periods in one vast society! Lyle’s technology has certainly improved efficiency and the economy up here.” 

 

“That’s pretty impressive,” Keenie gaped in amazement. “And just think of what he can do to spread his wealth around to the world! He could fund churches, schools, businesses…”

 

“That’s what we heard!” said Cletus. “We got a request to bless him from one of his family members here. They said and I quote: ‘The old fart is greedy as…f. Proceed with caution.’”

 

“Well mean or not, we still need to save him,” Keenie added. “I’m sure we can convince him to do good things in his life. It’s our job after all.”

 

The cherubs all nodded.

 

“Well then it’s settled!” Cletus called, doing a happy loop around the office. “We’ll save that man’s life and get that rating boost we need!”

 

All of them cheered and raised their arms.

 

“Oh and don’t forget, we still need to do our jingle and commercial today!” Cletus reminded them.

 

“C-c-commercial?” Collin asked in concern. “What if the other angelic Orders suspect us too much? Plus I hate the spotlight.”

 

“Relax Collin,” said Cletus. “What bad thing could possibly happen to us?”

 

0 0 0

 

Later on, the C.H.E.R.U.B. commercial began, spreading to television stations in Heaven and Hell alike. (Why would it show in Hell? To comfort sinners about loved ones? Make I.M.P. jealous? Plot convenience? Does the I.M.P. jingle appear in Heaven as well?)

 

The commercial started with the golden heavenly gates opening up on top of the colorful clouds among sunlight. The sun shaped crystalline structure/Throne angel appeared in the center. It cut to Cherub Towne in the clouds. The buildings were slightly slanted and covered with cloud-shaped roofs of blue, orange and white. Another pair of golden gates had three golden eyes on the top. In the background lay the halo-surrounded silver city.

 

Cletus appeared on the screen.

 

“Well, howdy! I’m Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! Guess you did something good to get here, and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessings!”

 

The jingle began.

 

The clip showed a man falling to his death without a parachute. “Owie!” appeared in a bubble over the man.

 

Collin sang, “Does it make you want to cry?”

 

Keenie added, “When your loved one has to die?” as another human got run over by a red Thomas the Tank Engine speeding train. “Oh No!” appeared in a censoring thought bubble.

 

“Does it hurt you through and through…” sang Cletus as a man was shown accidentally shooting himself in the face in a “Man Cave.” “Oopsie!” was in another bubble over his face.

 

“When you face is turning blue?” They all sang as a mustached man struggled to breathe in a hangman’s noose.

 

“Well luckily for you!” sang Collin with a pose.

 

“There’s something we can do!” sang Keenie with a pose.

 

Cletus smiled against the sunrise clouds.

 

“We can help keep them alive!” Cletus sang.

 

They all posed in a side hug and sang:

 

“So you can watch them thrive!”

 

The three cherubs flew together side to side as their logo “C.H.E.R.U.B.” appeared in bold orange and gold letters on the screen with the registered trademark.

 

“Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.!” they all sang.

 

“We’ll save your honey bun from dying violently!” added Collin.

 

The next series of clips showed the sheep saving people from muggers, natural disasters and various accidents. Cletus rescued a woman from a pack of animals while Keenie shoved a frightened Collin toward them, as he held a wooden plank with a nail in it.

 

“Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.!” they all sang.

 

“No, we never even ask a fee!” added Keenie.

 

The next clip showed a human handing dollar bills to Cletus, who waved out a dismissive hand.

 

“Because good people spread the love!” Collin sang.

 

The next clip showed Collin and Keenie hugging each other as yellow hearts spread out in all directions.

 

“And we’re here for all above!” Keenie added in song.

 

The next clip showed a spinning earth with more glowing hearts around it in every direction.

 

“We do the paperwork for you!” added Cletus.

 

An exhausted Collin rapidly wrote down at his desk surrounded by piles of paper around him. A white puppet sat on his desk by the “in box”. A nearby sign displayed a message from God: “Surround yourself with people who will lift you up. So ditch your loser friends you can’t use.”  God was promoting a snobby rich mentality for the citizens to be “nice” and keep up their appearances.

 

“And the heavy lifting, too!” sang Collin.

 

Keenie lifted a heavy boulder from a flattened woman. The woman gave a weak smile and thumbs up.

 

A man in a car crash with a torn up chest and battered skin weakly smiled as the sheep cherubs appeared around him. The man was drunk on Holy Spirit for some reason. A nearby billboard showing the incompetent doctors from the pilot read: “Injured? Good!”

 

“So sit right back…” sang Cletus before they all harmonized, “And let us bless a soul for you!”

 

Cletus smiled and flew close to the screen. He joined his two companions who lifted their heads up and sang in harmony. The golden C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appeared above their heads as they held hands.

 

“Oh we, are the C.H.E.R.U.B.!”

 

(“Certified Heaven’s Employees’ Reliable Uplifting Business.”)

 

The C.H.E.R.U.B. commercial ended on a small old fashioned TV before…

 

Bang!

 

 The TV exploded into flames and debris. Blitzo had exploded it with a tan colored flintlock pistol. He had a look of disapproval regarding the commercials.

 

Millie grinned next to him. “Nice one, B!”

 

“Give me another, Mox!” Blitzo ordered.

 

Moxxie stepped up and nervously swept away the debris with a hand. He put up another old fashioned TV onto the white stand. With an apprehensive look on his face, he turned the TV on. The glowing 666 News logo appeared.

 

Blitzo poured gunpowder into the flintlock. “Eh, naw, not feelin’ it. Next!”

 

Moxxie switched the channel. A black and white clip showed Betty Boop dancing erotically with prominent breasts and a black pitchfork in her hand. Both Blitzo and Millie looked bored.

 

“Uh huh, keep going, keep going, keep going!” Blitzo insisted.

 

Moxxie switched the channel again. This time, an imp appeared wearing a large black top hat, a white shirt and pants, gray vest, black bow tie and black boots. He held a cane in his hands and he also had a thin curly mustache. A mischievous grin of sharp teeth appeared on his face.

 

“I say, I say!” the imp exclaimed, briefly pointing his cane at the camera. “Are you looking to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets?” “Crazy Contraptions” and “Goofy Gadgets” appeared in bold spiked icons to the imp’s left and right. The imp twirled his cane.

 

“Well call me at Wacky Wally Wackford’s Wacky Idea ‘Factory!’”

 

He pulled down another screen. The title appeared in bold red, gray and white letters surrounded by pinkish circles reminiscent of classic cartoons. “Factory” appeared in quotations. Wally Wackford appeared again.

 

“Where you make the things and I make the money!”

 

Wally Wackford then got up closer to the camera with a pleading look. “Please, I’m very desperate!”

 

“Bingo!” Blitzo called, shooting and exploding the TV again.

 

“Woo!” Millie whooped. “You’re on a roll, sir!”

 

The white board behind them showed a bunch of arrows, exclamation points and squares connected together. One drawing in the upper right hand corner showed Robo Fizz getting eaten by a dragon, with “Nom!” and “Ha!” written next to it. Another doodle showed Verosika Mayday sitting in her car with a sign that read “walk, bitch!” “Mood board” was in big letters off to the left.

 

Loona snored and woke up from her canine sleep on a chair. Loona’s cup of water spilled from a sudden shake.

 

“Guys, do you feel that?” Loona asked in concern.

 

“Oh shit, is that a hell-shake?” Blitzo asked.

 

“That’s possible?” Moxxie asked as his pointed tail suddenly shot up in fear.

 

Millie held onto him in comfort. “Alright! Don’t panic, Moxxie!”

 

“I’m not ‘panicking,’” Moxxie replied, doing quotes with his fingers. “…because hell-quakes don’t happen.”

 

Loona roughly grabbed hold of Moxxie and shook him. “Stop getting hysterical, fatty!”

 

With a powerful swipe from her paw, she flung Moxxie across the room, where he landed against the opposite wall. 

 

Smash!

 

The wall collapsed behind Moxxie, covering him in debris. The wall had been destroyed by what appeared to be black mechanical tubes in a wrecking ball shape. Posing on one knee on the debris was a thin super villain man. The man stood up as the others watched. Loona growled on all fours like an angry wolf.

 

“Do not be afraid!” said the man, spreading out his arms. He grinned and extended his metal contraptions into loops behind and around him. The man wore a black suit with a green spiraling arrow pointed down toward his crotch on the front. His boots were tall and green. He wore red gloves and a red cape. Red pointed horns curved near his black top hat. A thick black elegant mustache and a pair of glowing green spiraled glasses completed his whimsical weird look.

 

“Please tell me you got that insurance thing,” Blitzo mentioned, referring back to when he first learned about the term on Earth.

 

An angry Millie took out a sharp black ax with a red pentagram on it. “Who are you and what do you want?!”

 

“I’m Loopty Goopty!” the man greeted. He swooped into the room on a loop on his contraptions and landed between Blitzo and Millie. He wiggled his eyebrows playfully and obscured his lower face with his cape. In a sing-song voice he added, “Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!” He leaned into an angry Millie.

 

“Moxxie!” Millie gasped, rushing over toward him, past the villain. She quickly lifted up the debris and flung it away. Moxxie gasped loudly for breath and coughed. She supported Moxxie and led him to an adjacent leather chair.

 

“Thanks Mils,” he croaked, eyes fluttering.

 

“Of course I wouldn’t just leave you under there while you were struggling for breath!” she said. “Who would do such a thing?!”

 

Moxxie weakly laughed.

 

Loona stood with a hand on her hip, staring at Loopty Goopty. “Could’ve just used the door, dude. Doesn’t need to be this whole thing.”

 

“I am eccentric!” Loopty Goopty exclaimed, leaning toward Loona who flinched back. “…and therefore must do eccentric shit!”

 

He waved back and forth in a little dance. Blitzo sniffed near his behind and flinched.

 

“Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?”

 

“Yes!” Loopty answered. “Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me here!”

 

Loona tapped on her phone. “Just sayin’, the front door would’ve gotten you here fine.”

 

“Shut up, dear furry!” Loopty Goopty exclaimed, holding a finger close to Loona’s growling angry face. He turned around and held up a small black and white photo of an old bald man in bed.

 

“This is the man I’m gonna need you to kill!” he said in a singsong voice.

 

Blitzo took the photo from him and examined it.

 

“Not even a shit’s length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge?” Blitzo smiled and walked toward him. “I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent.”

 

Blitzo shook Loopty’s hand.

 

“What “o”?” Loopty asked.

 

“Aww thank you,” Blitzo smiled, taking Loopty’s confusion as a compliment. “Now what’s the tea, sis?”

 

“The tea?” asked a confused Loopty.

 

“Yeah, why’re we killing this guy? I mean, what did he do to you?” Blitzo pressed, playfully elbowing him.

 

“He was…my business partner!” Loopty exclaimed. “You see, I was not always an old man.”

 

An old brown shaded film montage depicted Loopty’s early human life.

 

“My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire!”

 

Lyle and Loopty posed with capes and spiral glasses on top of a tall building labeled “Lyle-Loopty Robotics”. The building was surrounded by factories and columns spewing smoke. Loopty put wires together while Lyle tightened a bolt with a wrench.

 

“Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop or reverse the aging process!”

 

The two inventors stood in front of a giant white dome shaped machine labeled “De-age-ifier”.

 

“It could’ve saved all three trillionaires!”

 

The two of them strolled into the machine and closed the metal door.

 

“Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor like we usually do. We were too sure of our own genius.”

 

Loopty briefly leaned out the door and double checked to make sure the lever to the right was set to “young” on the top. He started hard at two of his employees before disappearing back into the chamber. The two employees talked in hushed tones and stared at a family photo of a mutilated old relative in ragged clothing.

 

“I told two of my employees to keep an eye on the lever, to make sure it was set right. But the machine was accidentally set forward!”

 

With determined expressions of vengeance, one of the employees pulled the lever down to “old,” just before the machine started. He wasn’t going to allow Lyle to mess with his impoverished relative again.

 

“By the time we managed to get out, it was too late. At least, for me.”

 

The two men struggled to open the door, pounding hard on it. Both of them rapidly shriveled up and aged. They stared at their wrinkly arms, hands and faces in horror. Lyle grew old and fat and slid down to the floor. Loopty clutched at his bony chest, suffered a heart attack and collapsed to the ground. A man opened the door and mentioned for doctors to come in. They put a stethoscope over Loopty’s heart and shook their heads somberly. A dark skinned woman put an oxygen mask over Lyle’s mouth and nose. Loopty’s body was zipped shut in a body bag.

 

“Now that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire we built together! Without me to share it with him, he’ll make all the god damn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire and get all the credit!”

 

Loopty imagined Lyle laughing evilly as piles of dollar bills rained on him.

Back at the office, Blitzo rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s not really evil,” he deadpanned.

 

“It’s evil toward me!” Loopty exclaimed. “Now get your crimson asses up above and send that heartless no-good son of a bitch to Hell, where he belongs!”

 

Blitzo spoke. “You do know, Poopty…”

 

“Loopty!” Loopty seethed in anger. Blitzo held up his hands.

 

“Of course, of course. If we do kill him though and he ends up down here, you know, you will be stuck with him, forever.”

 

“Oh, trust me!” Loopty grinned. He summoned an array of weapons with his metal tentacles: several guns, a launcher and a spinning gear. “I’m counting on it!”

 

“That’s kinda hot,” Moxxie remarked as everyone glanced at him.

 

0 0 0

Before long, the imps were back on Earth. Blitzo looked at an elegant brown mansion through binoculars. The circular front porch was shaped like a money bag. The wrought iron fence was gold with a money symbol on the gates.

 

“Gee, I wonder whose house this is?” Moxxie sarcastically asked.

 

The imps were on a large red tour bus, wearing human disguises. They had stolen the clothes from a nearby thrift store and jumped onto the first bus they could find. The smiling tour guide wore a white shirt and a green baseball cap with a dollar sign on it. His hair was ginger and messy with a thick bang near his black eyes.

 

“And to your right is the home of famous inventor, Lyle Lipton.”

 

“Oooh!” said the impressed crowd as they snapped pictures on their cell phones.

 

Blitzo peered at the mansion, lowering his yellow lensed sunglasses. He had heart makeup over his eyes and wore a large clown wig colored magenta and blue. He tossed the glasses aside and grinned. Moxxie wore a dark colored top hat and suit. Millie wore a straw hat and a pink women’s outfit. Their horns stuck out from their hats.

 

“Let’s do it, gang!” said Blitzo.

 

Blitzo pulled out his flintlock pistol, Moxxie pulled out a rifle and Millie pulled out two deadly black and red swords. They leaped over the fence and posed.

 

“Let’s kill this rich guy!” Millie exclaimed before they all scurried forward toward the windows.

 

The tour guide added much too casually, “And here you’ll find three tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!”

 

The people kept snapping pictures.

 

The imps leaned against the wall before peering in through one of the large windows. Blitzo had a white cat sock puppet on his hand. The imps spotted an old Lyle bedridden in a large room. The room had portraits of money bags and one statue was of another money bag. He was connected to an IV and monitors, leaning against a sweat-stained pillow.

 

“Wow,” Moxxie remarked. “That machine really did a number on him.”

 

Inside, Lyle kissed a picture frame in his hands.

 

“Goodbye, my one true love.”

 

The picture was of a pile of dollar bills with a “free stock photos” watermark on it. He ran a wrinkled saliva covered finger down it.

 

“All the riches of the world cannot fill the emptiness I’m feeling now that my shitty old body can’t do anything of value.”

 

He somberly crafted a hangman’s noose out of the IV tube.

 

Blitzo beamed. “Oh, fantastic! He’s gonna do our job for us!”

 

“Should we go in there and tie it for him?” Moxxie wondered.

 

Lyle got ready to put it over his head. All the imps watched eagerly with popcorn and drinks. Just as he was about to do it, the tube glowed white and a strong force sent the imps back. Blitzo’s kitty sock blew into the air, his face crestfallen at losing it. The imps turned back around. Inside, the three cherubs floated gracefully in their own columns of sunlight.

 

Lyle adjusted to the light and grimaced. “Oh lord, I’m being haunted by ugly orphan children now!”

 

“Who the fuck are they?!” Blitzo yelled in anger. Moxxie stood up and pointed a shaking hand toward the mansion. “Oh no! Sir, those are…”

 

“Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!” Cletus greeted cheerfully as all three posed together.

 

Lyle raised a fist. “I hate filthy stinking orphan children!”

 

Collin spoke. “We’re here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir. To grant you a blessing…” he did a little bow. “…on behalf of those in Heaven benefited by your amazing technological advances.”

 

“Oh hell no!” Blitzo yelled. He stomped forward and crashed through the window, “Don’t listen…” He face-planted onto the floor among the littered glass shards. Moxxie opened a nearby door and Millie followed.

 

“Lyle Lipton, it is our…” Moxxie began. He glanced with concern at the fallen Blitzo and continued, “…humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die.”

 

Millie walked in. “I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you’re old and gross?” She made disgusted faces.

 

“Is that a serious question?” Keenie exclaimed. She did a graceful swoop in the air. “He can help spread his wealth around with people of the world! And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled!” She happily threw dollar bills into the air.

 

“No!” Lyle declared.

 

“He could pay for new hospitals and schools!” Collin added.

 

“Why won’t you let me die?” Lyle asked.

 

Blitzo appeared next to him with a wink. “Oh, sounds like you need help offin’ yourself there, buddy. Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?”

 

Moxxie rapidly tossed a variety of weapons to Blitzo, who held them in a pile in his arms.

 

“I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas…”

 

Collin glared in anger. “He’d never take his own life! He’s classier than that!”

 

Collin turned around to see Lyle aiming an assault rifle toward his mouth. The cherub promptly took the gun from him.

 

“There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle.”

 

“Yeah, right. Smells like he ain’t been out of bed in months,” Millie remarked. She sniffed, covered her mouth and retched onto the floor. Moxxie patted her back.

 

“Love can be beautiful at any age,” Cletus added.

 

“And we’ll show him!” Keenie joined in.

 

The cherubs cheered “Yay!” while the imps yelled “No!”

0 0 0

 

The cherubs lifted Lyle’s bed and set it on a hill. There was a picturesque view of a forest and a shining lake. The sun shone in the blue sky and fluffy white clouds perched in the air.

 

“Look around, Lyle,” smiled Cletus. “God’s gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age…or wealth!” He winked and snapped his fingers.

 

“If you were to end your life,” Collin added, “You’d be missing all of this!” He slowly waved an arm.

 

Blitzo appeared in a tiger costume as the cherubs narrowed their eyes. Blitzo made eye contact with Lyle and said with a grin, “Mhm, you’re gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?” He did a motion of a dick in a hole with his claws.

 

Keenie covered her mouth and the cherubs gasped. Keenie angrily pointed at him. “That is so inappropriate!”

 

The other two imps appeared in cat costumes. Millie appeared in a white cat costume with a red collar with a pentagram tag. She lifted two middle fingers. “Oh, kiss our ass, prude!”

 

 Moxxie stood nervously in a black and white cat costume reminiscent of Husk (minus the red wings).

 

“Guys,” he said. “All this fighting is not gonna solve anything…” but Blitzo ignored him.

 

Blitzo shoved Lyle aside and sat next to him. “Anyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close.”

 

Lyle looked through the binoculars and saw a group of bunnies and squirrels together. The critters were suddenly torn apart and eaten by two hungry wolves. “Oh no!”

 

“S-stop looking!” Collin cried, trying to tug the binoculars away.

 

Lyle held onto the binoculars. “I can’t stop! I’ve never wanted to die more than I do now!”

 

A brown bear swiped one of the wolves to the ground and it whimpered. The bear raised a paw over the wolf but was promptly crushed by a falling tree. A logger grinned while operating a chainsaw. A beehive fell on his head and over his face. The logger screamed as the bees buzzed. The chainsaw flew in the air and sliced off both his arms. Then out of nowhere, a charging brown stag skewed the man with its antlers as lightning flashed in the sky.

 

Everyone froze in horror, even Blitzo was wide-eyed, with his paws against his face.

 

Cletus laughed nervously and did a motion with his arm. “Let’s go check out someplace else!”

 

Millie and Moxxie did a fist bump in their costumes, though Moxxie looked visibly uncomfortable.

 

0 0 0

 

The bed traveled until landing on the grass.

 

“Oh, lord. Where are we now?” asked Lyle. “Let me perish.”

 

“We’re here to show you another thing life is worth living for. Childhood wonderment!” Keenie exclaimed.

 

Lyle looked to see a bunch of children playing on swings and slides on a school playground by the school where Mrs. Mayberry used to teach. One boy had a “craft mine” shirt as he swung. Another boy ate his booger before climbing up the structure.

 

“Why, look at those sweet diseased-ridden vermin,” Lyle remarked. “Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood, and their middle-class existence. Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this.”

 

Just then, Blitzo arrived in a black robber costume and ski mask. “Run, dipshits! It’s a school shooting!” Moxxie and Millie flanked him in dark hoods, Moxxie looking disappointed. Blitzo fired several rounds from his pistol into the air, scaring the kids off. Lyle cried like a baby as Keenie and Collin covered his eyes. With a worried expression on his face, Cletus moved the bed along.

 

 

 

 

0 0 0

 

“Eh!” Lyle spat. “This place reeks of teenagers!”

 

In a forest, a nearby wooden sign read “Lovers’ Lookout: I guess…” in white letters. Teens were making out and stripping in nearby cars. The sky was pink as the sun set.

 

Cletus flew toward Lyle. “Lovers’ Lookout, sir! We’re here to remind you of possibly life’s greatest joy of all –“

 

“Money!” Lyle said greedily, lifting up shaking hands.

 

“No; Love!” Collin smiled, hands over his heart.

 

“I’ve never been in love before,” said Lyle. “I imagine it’s quite nice.”

 

“It’s not too late, sir!” encouraged Collin. “You can still find…”

 

“Ha! Nice try, ugly.”

 

Blitzo arrived with his crew, who were all wearing dresses. Blitzo wore a pink dress with a long blonde wig, a pink frilly scarf and black hoop earrings. Moxxie wore a lavender dress and a short blonde wig. Millie wore a pink and black dress and thick eyelashes.

 

Blitzo pulled out his megaphone decorated with a mouth design. “Hey, horny lovers! Which one of you would fuck this old man?”

 

All five vehicles sped away in response. Lyle looked ejected and pooped himself.

 

Collin flew into Blitzo’s face. “You know, you three are so utterly c-c-cruel. We’re just trying to give hope to someone in need!”

 

“Oh, and you three are so superior to us, just because we want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist to kneel over dead!” Millie retorted.

 

“You know, you are kind of taking things too far,” Moxxie told Blitzo.

 

“You’re making things too real now, Moxxie,” Blitzo deadpanned. He squirted piss into Moxxie’s face from a spray bottle labeled “piss.” Moxxie flinched and hissed.

 

0 0 0

 

Meanwhile at an opera theater, a woman dressed like a Viking on a white horse sang an opera on stage. A well-dressed man in a brown suit and bow tie played a black grand piano. The cherubs were dressed formerly as well. Cletus now had a pinkish colored suit with a bow tie. Collin wore an indigo suit with a white bow tie while Keenie wore a fancy yellow dress with a red bow on it. The stage backdrop consisted of a large sun and stars.

 

“Behold, the wonder of art and music!” said Cletus to Lyle. “Something always here to comfort, entertain and live for!”

 

Up above the stage, Blitzo wagged his butt and tail like a cat in anticipation. The imps stared down at the performance.

 

“So, how do we make this bad?” Millie asked.

 

“We can’t,” Moxxie replied. “There’s literally nothing bad about opera. That’s fact.”

 

Blitzo wagged his butt in Moxxie’s face, his face slanted. “Unless, we ruin it somehow.”

 

With a mischievous grin, Blitzo grabbed hold of a stage light. He moved the spotlight around the stage. The woman briefly stopped singing and moved into the light and continued. She did the same thing again and again when the spotlight moved.

 

“She’s not very good,” Lyle remarked.

 

Blitzo moved the spotlight faster and faster, the woman raced to keep up as she sang on and off. All the cherubs and Lyle narrowed their eyes in suspicion. Millie snuck down into the shadows and used her tail to briefly trip the singer down the stairs as she tried to follow the spotlight. The crowd gasped in concern, but the singer stood up and climbed back on the stage. Millie hurried backup to Moxxie and Blitzo, unseen. Up above, Blitzo moved the light even faster until he accidentally dropped it. He gasped softly. The woman stood under the spotlight and let out a final note before the stage light crushed her underneath.

 

The audience, the cherubs and Lyle all screamed as a pool of blood was visible on the stage floor. The man at the piano nervously tried to keep playing. 

 

“Oh, at least we made it bad,” Blitzo said.

 

“Not good, sir,” Moxxie glowered, furious and worried about the whole operation.

 

“That’s it!” Cletus yelled as he and the cherubs flew angrily toward the imps. “I have had it!” He pointed a finger at the three imps. “You three monsters have messed with us enough!” He made a swiping motion with an arm.

 

“D’ooh,” Collin stuttered, trying not to get angry. “We’re just trying to do our j-j-job!”

 

“Well, so are we!” yelled Millie.

 

“Enough!” Cletus screamed as he and his crew summoned golden crossbows with heart tips on the arrows. The bows were different colors unique to them: periwinkle for Collin, pink for Cletus and yellow for Keenie. They each aimed their crossbows at the imps.

 

“We are saving that shitty old man’s life whether he wants it or not!” Cletus declared.

 

“B-but don’t forget that he’s still just a flawed human. We could t-teach him so much-” Collin began, before Keenie spat to her colleague, “Shut it! We don’t have time for that.” 

 

“Well someone wants that fucker dead, m’kay?” said Blitzo. “And he paid in advance and I spent it all on this…”

 

Blitzo held up a green horse figure decorated with colored gems and sunglasses. It had a baseball cap with “mare-ajuanna” on it. He put it away.

 

“…so he’s gotta go!”

 

Keenie flew into Blitzo’s face. “You are all such disgusting, loathsome beasts! Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on! And now, you’re trying to meddle with the lives of humans?!”

 

“So are you!” spat Millie, barring her sharp teeth. She pulled Keenie down by her necklace. “So why don’t you shut your trap, you judgmental, cotton candy tit-havin’ bitch?!”

 

Both women growled.

 

“Filthy demon crap!” screeched Keenie, ramming into Millie.

 

Intense opera music played as the fight scene began. Keenie and Millie rolled over in a cat fight on the floor. Cletus and Collin shot golden arrows at Blitzo and Moxxie, who raced down the catwalk, dodging them. The golden arrows sparkled and dissipated. Moxxie ran and jumped down, swinging from a rope. He held a pistol in one hand and aimed it at Keenie. Keenie and Millie fought in the air, Millie slapping the cherub across the face several times. Moxxie fired at a rope which released a bag. The bag separated Keenie and Millie and Moxxie caught Millie. Moxxie and Millie grabbed each other’s faces with lustful grins. They French-kissed with their long snake-like tongues, as they spun around and fired their weapons through the air. Millie’s bra fell off and Moxxie lost his bow tie, both spotted by Blitzo. The arrows and bullets hit and killed the audience members in the first two rows, minus Lyle.

 

Reflected in one of Lyle’s eyes, Moxxie and Millie were French-kissing and in his other eye, Collin and Keenie were aiming their crossbows. Lyle then pondered his life.

 

“It’s all starting to make sense now. Life is worth living because we only get one. We must cherish it. If creatures far beyond this world are going through these lengths over my life, then certainly it’s worth living. Killing myself is not the answer. Plus, I’m still rich! I can just buy all the things! I no longer crave death!”

 

He stood and held dollar bills in both hands in triumph. The remaining audience members clapped before they were shot down as well.

 

Blitzo ran along metal scaffolding with his flintlock pistol and jumped onto another one attached with rope. Cletus aimed his crossbow at Blitzo but in the blink of an eye, Blitzo tossed his weapon into Cletus’ face.

 

“Ah! You fucker!” screamed the cherub. Blinded by the impact, he accidentally shot an arrow at the rope, causing the scaffolding to fall down to the stage floor, taking Blitzo and the imps with it. The scaffolding narrowly missed the pianist. The man straightened up his bowtie and used his stool to step down from the higher leveled floor part. The piano was then sent flying into the air.

 

I.M.P. and C.H.E.R.U.B. followed the falling piano with their eyes. Lyle screamed in terror as he scrambled over and off his bed, wearing a diaper. He cowered in another seat before the piano landed and crushed him.

 

Moxxie and Millie were tied up together on the floor. “Well, well. Would ya look at that?” Moxxie said. All the imps shared smug grins. “You did our job for us! Heh!” Millie smirked and gave the cherubs two middle fingers. All three cherubs gasped in horror.

 

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my God!” cried Collin.

 

Keenie slapped Collin across the face. “Get a hold of yourself, Collin! And do not use the Lord’s name in vain!”

 

Cletus glared one last time at the imps. “This isn’t over!”

 

The cherubs summoned a colorful portal to Heaven and flew through it…but then were suddenly repelled back.

 

“What the?!” Cletus asked.

 

Five more cherubs came through the portal. Rachel, a white sheep, Beau, a gray sheep with a bow, Honey, a bee, and Bea, another bee. The four hovered with their hands in prayer. The last cherub, the leader, was a brown deer dressed in purple overalls, a lavender shirt and a pink ribbon. Deerie conjured up reading glasses and a clipboard.

 

She spoke to the cherubs in a condescending manner. “Mmm, yeah, no sorry, Cletus, but I’m afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I’m afraid you can’t re-enter Heaven. Yeah, no…”

 

“What?!” cried the three C.H.E.R.U.B. members in disbelief. 

 

Deerie chuckled. “Yeah, mm, sorry. Yeah, no…”

 

“Is there anything we can do?” Collin asked with a whimper. Deerie filed her hoof before chuckling again. “Yeah, no! Oh no, no, no.” She then said “no” to Collin, Cletus and Keenie as she pointed her front hooves at them. All of them had tears in their eyes.

 

“Uh! But we didn’t mean to!” Keenie pleaded. “We never! It was all…”

 

She pointed down to the scaffolding where I.M.P. was, but they had already left for Hell. Keenie screamed in horror and her companions gasped, eyes wide.

 

Deerie just smiled, “Anyway, sorry guys. But those are the rules, yeah!”

 

She did a happy wave and a “Bye!” as she and her group of cherubs flew back up through the portal.

 

“Wait! But…” Cletus flew up toward the portal but it had already closed. Cletus sniffled, then cried a river of tears from his eyes. The other cherubs also broke down into sobs.

 

0 0 0

 

Meanwhile back in Hell, Blitzo clapped his hands together.

 

“Welp, the old man wanted to live again and we didn’t kill him, so we failed.”

 

Blitzo began to walk toward the hole in the wall before stopping.

 

“Thanks to those fucking cherubs, he’s probably up in Heaven now so, it’s a shame.”

 

He stared forlornly at the red sky and the city buildings. “All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner. And now, the two are forever separated. And now, we gotta face the fire of fuckin' up.”

 

“Sir, when are you going to tell the client?” Moxxie asked in concern.

 

Blitzo turned around. “Oh, I already sent him a text and, we’re in good hands ‘cause texts don’t make people angry.”

 

The texts on his phone read “U fail, U die.” Blitzo responded with “Sorry” surrounded by emojis with “saxophone emoji” a line below.

 

Crash!

 

A metal plank crashed into the room from above as Moxxie scurried out of the way. Loopty Goopty strolled down the plank. “Blitz!”

 

“Loofa!” Blitzo called, saying his name wrong. “We can explain everything. I was…”

 

Crash!

 

Millie pulled Moxxie out of the way before another metal plank landed in the spot where he would’ve been. From on the floor, Blitzo’s butt was very much in view. Blitzo glanced down at him and remarked, “Oh chill out Moxxie, if you kiss my ass any harder you’ll go right inside me.”

 

Moxxie turned beet red in the face and scooted further back. Millie helped him up again.  

 

“Thanks for saving me again,” Moxxie said. “I would’ve foamed at the mouth and maybe died again.”

 

“Why would you think I would ever ignore you?”

 

Moxxie shrugged.

 

Just then, the demonic form of a man rolled down the plank. His body was black and spherical, with a mint green head wearing a black bowler hat on top. He had a large bushy light gray mustache and pince-nez goggles with dark red spirals on the lens like Loopty. His grinning teeth resembled piano keys.

 

“Lyle Lipton?!” Millie, Moxxie, and Blitzo asked in unison.

 

“I don’t understand,” said Millie. “We thought you went to Heaven.”

 

Lyle Lipton chuckled. “Heaven?” He rolled toward Loopty Goopty. “You don’t make millions in technological advances in robotics by not experimenting on the poor!” He laughed.

 

Loopy Goopty grinned as he unleashed his weapons in front of Lyle Lipton. “Finally! We meet again at last! Now that you’re dead, you have no money to keep from me!”

 

“Well, I’m a better inventor than you!” Lyle scoffed. “And I’ll make the most money here first!”

 

“Nonsense you no good son of a bitch!”

 

“Tie yourself in a knot, loony Loopty!”

 

“Roll in your grave, fat shit inventor!”

 

“Two robotic inventors?!” called a nearby voice. A steampunk blimp hovered in the air and a well-dressed snake demon appeared from a hole in his ship.

 

“Who is that guy?” Lyle Lipton asked.

 

“I’m the one and only Sir Pentious!” he declared. Several Egg Bois were steering his ship. The eye on his dark top hat peered at the other sinners in curiosity. “With my dominating machines, I aim to take over all of Pentagram City!” Then he muttered, “The repairs were a fucking nightmare to endure.” He glanced at the leftover cracks and holes on the metal sides of his ship.

 

“Oooh!” Loopty exclaimed in admiration. “I’ve only seen such inventions in old time history books. How long have you been here?”

 

“Since eighteen eighty eight!”

 

“Love the loopy numbers!” Loopty grinned, making three small eights with his contraptions. “I’m Loopty Goopty! Lyle is my could’ve been partner in crime but actually rival!”

 

“When you’re rich as me, who needs a dead partner!” Lyle exclaimed.

 

“You’re dead too, you know!”

 

“Where did you cowardly sinners get here?” Sir Pentious asked.

 

“Well we just got here,” Lyle called. “Experimenting on the poor made us millionaires! Just…be careful when messing with anti-aging machines. Made us both old.”

 

“A machine that changes one’s age?” Sir Pentious pondered. “That could prove to be ussseful in the future,” he hissed.

 

“Oh, you should join us, snake man!” Loopy suggested. “Or me, rather.”

 

Sir Pentious briefly glared. “Hmm. While I’m perfectly capable of spreading my constrictive terror on my own…I suppose having some…lackey sidekicks would suffice.”

 

“Don’t call us lackeys!” Lyle sneered. “And I’m not working with him!”

 

“Maybe if we briefly collaborate as a team…”

 

Lyle grumbled in annoyance.

 

After a moment, Sir Pentious sighed. “Okay, you may join me, but…”

 

He spread out his hood, revealing pink eyes. “Don’t even think about crossssing me.” He pulled his hood back. “Now go gather your contraptions and help me manage those scrambled fucking eggs!”

 

A bunch of eggs in top hats and suits rolled out and jumped on the two inventors, who were stunned.

 

Loopty then laughed evilly. “Inventors to inventors it is!”

 

Just then, Wally Wackford popped out of the ground in the room.

 

 “Did someone say, I say inventors?! Name’s Wally Wackford, and I am lookin’ for creative new people to exploit! I mean employ.” He twirled his mustache with an evil grin.

 

“Everyone, stop fucking up my walls!” Blitzo yelled. “Moxxie’s gonna have to fix all this shit! Satan’s balls! First we deal with Heaven’s table-scraps, now this?”

 

Wally Wackford smiled. “Well I guess you can say, you say, you have a holey operation here, Blitzo!”

 

Wally Wackford slapped his knee and laughed at his own joke.

 

“Get out,” Blitzo muttered.

 

Wally Wackford doubled down on the floor laughing. “Oh! I said, ‘o’!”

 

Blitzo yelled, “No, I’m serious, get the fuck out!”

 

Everyone in the room looked at Blitzo in shock and surprise. 

0 0 0

Cletus, Keenie and Collin broke down in heavy tears as they surveyed the area around them. The audience lay slumped and dead in their seats after being shot with arrows and bullets. Metal scaffolding lay bent and wrecked on the wooden stage where Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie were moments before. The former opera singer now lay dead and crushed underneath a stage light that had fallen on top of her. And underneath a broken piano lay the dead crushed body of Lyle Lipton, the elderly inventor they had tried to save.

The scene was eerie and empty. The nervous well-dressed piano guy had promptly fled the scene, traumatized after the events. And those accursed imps had jumped through a portal back to Hell in triumph.

As Cletus cried some more, fountains of tears sprung from his eyes. Keenie and Collin rushed in to comfort him. The trio had never felt so vulnerable before.

“I…I can’t believe this!” Cletus wailed. “We were so close to helping out that man…even though he was shitty and old…”

“Language,” chided Keenie.

Cletus continued. “We did everything right, but now we can’t get back through.”

“It’s not…completely your fault,” Collin said, putting a hoof on his leader’s back in comfort. “It was all an accident.”

Cletus raised an eyebrow at his comrade. “What do you mean ‘not completely?’”

“Well…” Collin began.

“You’re right, it was those imps’ doing!” Keenie interrupted, her white lacy wings flapping in frustration. “If only Deerie had seen what they were doing to us.”

The three took some deep breaths and sobs as they slowly calmed down. With a wave of his hand, their fancy dresses and tuxedos clothes were replaced by their regular outfits: reddish overalls for Cletus, a light blue shirt and white bow tie for Collin and a yellow dress for Keenie.

“What do we do now?” Collin asked, almost in a whisper.

“First thing’s first,” said Cletus. “We find a safe place to stay for a while. Who knows how long we’ll have to stay on Earth?” The others nodded in agreement.

“Urgh,” Keenie scowled. “First those filthy demonic trash decide to mock us and now we have to live among these…messy mortals?”

“Oh come on,” Collin gave a small smile as the three left the theater. They looked again sadly at the deceased humans and made crosses with their hands before flying away through an open window. “Things will work out. We’ve helped humans all the time. Surely they can’t be that bad!”

 

The three of them later gasped in sheer horror on the streets in a nearby town. A homeless man sat on a corner smoking a cigarette, while his comrade vomited alcohol down a sewer drain. A large man with a mustache ripped off a woman’s shirt as she leaned into him with a messy kiss in an alleyway. A skinny thief snatched a woman’s purse before he was brutally shot in the head by a man with a baseball cap. Two men were fighting each other and swearing, one of them landing a punch that toppled the other to the ground. As a policeman dragged a body away, a nearby band blared on bloodstained instruments. The logo on the drum read “Hail Satan!” in red messy paint.

A group of men sitting on a bench glanced at the cherubs hungrily.

“Anyone want mutton chops tonight?” The others laughed and displayed sinister grins.

C.H.E.R.U.B. stood with open mouths for several seconds. Cletus laughed nervously and made a motion with his arm and fist. “Let’s go check out someplace else!”

The three took to the sky, trying not to look at the watchful eyes of passerby.

Collin’s fluffy light indigo ears perked up. “Hey, I know what we can do! We can keep doing our job like before, helping people in need! Now that those imps are back in Hell, we are free to do what we like.”

Keenie shook her head. “As much as I want to, I don’t think we should just yet. I’m worried that we’ll just cause more deaths.”

“I might have to agree as well,” said Cletus. “I mean, how can we tell anyone about our accomplishments if we aren’t in Heaven anymore?”

“I miss my mom and dad,” Collin whined. “How will they react when they find out about what we’ve done?” He gasped. “What if they already know? What if all of Heaven knows and now sees us as…one of them?”

The others gasped.

“You don’t mean…” Keenie began.

Cletus rapidly shook his head. “No, no, no, no! I refuse to believe that our one mistake would lead us into becoming demons!”

“What if…it’s already too late?” Keenie wondered in fear.

Collin imagined all three of them trapped in long black demonic hands, their wings and halos gone. Flames turning their eyes red and their skin a charred black. The pale face of Lucifer towering behind them and letting out a maniacal laugh.

“Oh my gosh, oh my god!” Collin cried, his eyes wide as he shook his head free of the fear.

Keenie slapped him hard on the head. “Hey, I told you to not use the Lord’s name in vain!” Collin sobbed again and rubbed his large white wool of hair as he flew beside them.

 

The setting sun turned the sky a brilliant orange as the three cherubs searched for a safe place to stay the night. Their white feathery wings and halos glowed and flickered in the fading light. Their silhouettes followed the setting sun before they landed in a quieter part of town. Neon signs were already humming in the twilight. From inside nearby windows, several woman were wearing dark lace and high heeled boots, pole-dancing to upbeat music. The cherubs huddled close together, staying under streetlights to avoid the dark unknown. Their wings flapped silently as they moved forward inches off the ground.

“I miss Heaven’s comforting light,” Keenie sighed. “And God’s light most of all. It seems like this place is devoid of it.”

“There’s always good somewhere in the world,” said Collin with a hopeful expression. “You just have to know where to look.”

“The only thing I see are shabby buildings and humans indulging in their disgusting desires,” Cletus remarked. He mentioned to a nearby man who burped loudly after stuffing an entire pizza into his mouth. “The sooner we get home, the better.”

Collin took a piece of cheese he bought and popped it into his mouth. He grumbled. “The food here is prison food in comparison to what we have back home. It just tastes so…bland and heavy.”

Keenie munched half-heartedly on a carrot. “It’s still edible at least.”

“Demons eat nothing but raw meat,” Cletus added. “Back up above, we could enjoy all the vegetables, holy fruits, and drinks we wanted. Every day was an endless buffet…”

“Stop making me hungry,” Collin remarked. They fell into silence as a nightly breeze ruffled their clothing and wooly fur.

“I think we should get human disguises soon,” Collin later mentioned as they hovered over the sidewalk.

“Yeah, like those hideous costumes worked out well for those imps,” Cletus rolled his eyes. “Relax, Collin. I’m sure some of the humans will notice and treat us with the respect I…um, we deserve.”

Collin huffed. “I sure hope so.” He clapped his large front hooves together nervously as if trying to say something. As they continued hovering past some alleyways, a low growl was heard. Keenie paused, her hair stood on end.

“Guys…what was that?” Keenie asked, looking around.

“Probably just Collin’s stomach,” Cletus mentioned.

“No, I swear it wasn’t me,” he said. “Through I am very hungry.”

The growling grew louder…it seemed to be coming from behind them. The three slowly turned around and spotted a figure in the shadows. It was a large gray canine with beady black eyes…and very sharp teeth. Drool dribbled onto the ground by its paws.

The cherubs screamed and scattered away in flight. The dog barked loudly and raced after them. The cherubs zoomed up ahead, avoiding passing cars and maneuvering around figures of people. They zoomed over black trash bags as the dog barreled through them at high speed. The dog raced on all fours, snapping its jaws as it moved closer to them.

“Get back!” Keenie called, moving her yellow hooves in a frantic kick, just missing its face. The beast just grabbed at her dress with its teeth and yanked.

“Aaaahhhh! Get off, you beast!” she cried.

Cletus yelled in fury and raised his hand in the air as he flew. He then glanced upward in sheer shock.

“I can’t summon my golden crossbow!”

Collin flew nearby, muttering a prayer while shaking. He took a deep breath and sped toward the dog. He landed a punch to the dog’s eyes…and with a yelp, the dog let go of Keenie’s dress with a rip. Keenie gasped and shook herself. “My dress!” she cried as she stared at the torn slobbery hole. “Look at my dress!”

“Be thankful it’s not your backside,” Cletus mentioned. Keenie seethed at him as Collin came flying back toward them, the dog at his heels. Keenie shoved Collin backwards toward the dog, sending the both of them tumbling to the ground.

Cletus and Keenie flew as fast as they could until Keenie spotted a beacon in the distance. A tall brick building had a large white Christian Cross on top of it, appearing golden as the sun continued to set. Several stained glass windows showed images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary surrounded by golden backgrounds. Even more spectacular was a nearby towering Christmas tree decorated with gold and silver ornaments and a six pointed star at the top.

“A church!” she called. “Hurry!”

They landed in front of the large wooden double doors, catching their breath.

“My wings are sore,” Cletus groaned.

“No more flying for a while,” Keenie agreed.

Cletus knocked politely on the door. “Hello? Anybody in there?”

So far, no answer.

Just then, they heard panting from behind them. They whirled around…only to find Collin hunched over, his clothes torn up. There were several scratches all over him.

“Oh Collin, thank goodness,” Cletus sighed in relief.

“Keenie…” Collin began. “What was that back there?! I’m lucky I escaped at all!”

“I had to distract the dog so we could get away,” she said.

Collin glared and stomped one of his cloven feet. “That’s the second time you pushed me in harm’s way! And the first time was with a whole pack of wild animals!”

“You’re still fine, right?” she asked.

Collin let out a “ha!” followed by a “no.”

“Don’t ever do that again,” he said, folding his arms. The cherubs waved their hands and their clothes and skin were repaired.

Just then, the door solely opened. A woman dressed in a black robe stared into the distance. “Hello?”

“Down here,” said Cletus. She looked down with surprise in her eyes.

“May I help you?”

“Hi,” said Cletus. “We got lost from our home and now we have nowhere to go. May we stay for a bit?”

The woman peered closer at them, narrowing her eyes. “You three look familiar…”

The cherubs gulped. Seconds dragged on.

“Do I know you?”

“Um…” Cletus began, sweat trickling down his forehead.

“Of course!” she called, standing up. “You’re those guardian angels who go out and save people, yes?”

Cletus stood proudly. “Yep, that’s us!” The other two let out soft gasps and looked at Cletus in worry.

The woman looked around. “Hurry, inside now,” she said. “The world is full of people willing to take advantage of you savior children.”

The cherubs bowed in thanks before heading through the door.

“Technically, I’m twenty-four,” Cletus muttered.

“I thought we were hundreds of years old,” wondered Keenie.

Collin grinned, redness briefly spreading to his cheeks. “You’re so beautiful, you don’t look a year over two-hundred.”

Keenie “bahed” at him in annoyance before they made it into the main chamber. The high vaulted ceiling made even the cherub angels feel small. The sky was a dark indigo through the opening above. Rows of arched gaps circled the area near the ceiling, and stone pillars held the ceiling on either side. The floor was in a black and white checkered pattern while a few Greek inspired designs caught Cletus’ attention. The rows of seats were polished and clean, and several white candles were lit in holders, emitting a peaceful glow.

The woman made way for them and came back with a bowl of fruit and grass. Collin munched on blueberries, Keenie on pineapple slices and Cletus started on red apples. Cletus stared into the apple’s red surface. “Just like the Garden of Eden,” he said to himself. “When Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, she had disobeyed God’s order. She gave the fruit to Adam who then ate one. God banished them from the Garden, cursed them to grow old and die…thus began the fall of man…”

Cletus stared closely at the apple’s surface, the red morphing into the face of a red goat. A grin of sharp white teeth, red eyes surrounded by black, a glowing black Ring with a Roman numeral five on it…

“Are you okay?” Collin asked.

Cletus whipped his head to Collin. “Oh yes, I’m fine, I’m fine,” he said, forcing a grin.

Cletus turned and set the apple aside.

“I sure hope we don’t age too,” Keenie added in concern. “I don’t want to lose my pretty face and looks.”

“That inventor managed to survive for a while,” Collin said.

“Barely,” Cletus mentioned.

“We’re still angels,” mentioned Collin. “It is very rare for us to be erased from existence without good reason…”

“Please don’t say such things!” mumbled Keenie.

The woman went up to the ornate alter and poured in some herbs into an incense burner. The smell of frankincense and myrrh calmed the cherubs down after a while.

“I’ll leave you to it,” said the woman. “Stay for as long as you need but stay out of sight more often than naught. If you need anything, just let me know. Be careful dear sheep babies.”

“Bless you miss,” said Cletus.

The cherubs bowed in thanks as she left.

“Sheep babies?” Cletus scowled. “I’m not a freaking baby!”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Collin.

Keenie walked up to a stone basin nearby as Collin and Cletus bickered for a bit. Gazing in a small pool of holy water, Keenie thought she saw a ghostly face of a pale woman with long blonde hair, a black crown and large curved horns. The face briefly shifted to another white face with orange eyes and flaming wild auburn colored hair. She blinked a few times and it was gone. She only saw her wide-eyed reflection faintly on the surface. She turned away and arrived beside her comrades.

The altar before them was made of gold, as was the ornate cross situated on top.

Keenie, Collin and Cletus knelt down in prayer, tears falling from their faces.

“Oh mighty Lord, please have mercy on us,” Cletus said. “Please forgive us for the mistakes we made here on Earth.”

“Father…we only tried to help a broken man get onto the right path,” Keenie said. “We didn’t mean to kill him.”

“We just want to go home,” Collin added. “We’ll take whatever punishment you give us but please…tell us if there is anything we can do…”

More moments passed as night fell. Stars and a moon were visible through the glass windows.

“God help the outcasts,” Collin chanted softly. “God help our cherub people. We look to you still. If you can’t help us, nobody will.”

“I ask for glory. I ask for fame. I ask for redemption to shine on our name,” added Cletus.

Keenie continued the chant. “We ask for your guidance, a way to get by. Help us right our fate, listen to our cry.”

Cletus finished, “Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, please watch over us.”

All three said “Amen!” before a colorful portal of clouds opened above them. The cherubs each looked up.

“Lord Gabriel?” asked Cletus. “Is that you?”

A sound of clapping hooves greeted them, followed by a haughty laugh.

“My my, what a marvelous…pitiful performance!”

The brown furry face of a winged deer cherub came into view. A sense of smugness and superiority was clearly reflected in her eyes.

“Deerie?!” the cherubs cried, their faces morphing into angry scowls.

“Wow, I’d expect a more proper welcome from deferential devotees such as yourselves. The human world getting to you so soon?”

“What are you doing here?” Keenie asked. “We called for Gabriel.”

“Gabriel sends you his best regards, and says that you guys can rise again and be fully redeemed after a while…”

The cherubs smiled until she added, “Heheh, yeah, no.”

Their faces fell.

“I’m afraid you guys can’t re-enter Heaven, like I said before. Nothing you can do about it. Rules and all.”

Cletus turned red in the face. “But it was an accident! The imps fought us off. They were the ones trying to kill Lyle Lipton!”

“But they didn’t, correct? Based on what Heaven has seen, you three not only killed Lyle unintentionally…but you caused much more death and suffering.”

“What?!” all three cried out.

Collin thought back to all the dead audience members. They had been so involved in fighting off their rivals that they didn’t even notice them.

“It was I.M.P.’s fault!” Keenie argued.

“Yes, but you also played a role in it,” Deerie explained. “You blindly shot your arrow, which later caused the piano to crush the old man. We see everything, you know.”

Cletus then turned to Collin. “About that time earlier when you said it ‘wasn’t completely my fault…’”

Collin stood his ground. “It was though. It was all our faults.” He jabbed a hoof into Cletus. “But you were so adamant to kill off those imps that you didn’t consider who else would be at risk. We should’ve taken the fight outside! I tried to tell you guys earlier!”

“You’re a literal sheep,” Cletus replied, getting into Collin’s face. “You never said a word; you just followed my orders like you were supposed to.”

“Those imps are nothing more than dirt that the dead tread on,” Keenie added. “We may be angels, but we never go down without a fight. Surely you’d do well with being less of a wimp, Collin.”

Collin scoffed. “I’m sorry. I thought we were supposed to be the good guys. The loving guardians who actually help those we meet. I just realized that we didn’t let Lyle Lipton learn his little lesson.”

“Five times fast,” Cletus snickered, but Collin ignored him.

“We didn’t tell Lyle how sinful it is to be so immersed in his own greed. He really could’ve used his riches for good if we had stayed to help him like we were supposed to! We should’ve explained to our victims why any of their bad behaviors were wrong. But instead we just left them all behind!”

“What did you think we were trying to do?!” Keenie yelled. “We showed him nature, childhood wonderment, young love and the arts. And it would’ve worked if it weren’t for those meddlesome…”

“You done?” Deerie casually asked in the air. She finished filing her hooves and had a bag of popcorn with her. The cherubs turned back to her.

“Far from it, bitch!” Keenie yelled.

“Language!” Collin warned.

“You three have learned nothing, huh? You see scraps, I was briefly summoned here by you guys and I gotta get back soon, so I may as well elaborate on your consequences. Let’s see…”

Deerie summoned her clipboard and her reading glasses. On her notepad, she had drawn cats and Invader Zim characters. A side note read “more musical episodes?”

“Not only did you kill one human, but you also killed multiple mortals in the theater. This has made Azrael, the Angel of Death very upset. There are many people that are chosen to die at certain times and let me tell you, having to cross and uncross multiple names can get pretty irksome.”

The cherubs stood silent.

“In other words, you’re also in trouble for simply…oh I don’t know…doing a business and going to Earth without the permission from your superiors! A big no-no.”

“But we were saving people’s lives, and teaching them God’s true path…” Cletus began.

“…or more than likely, saving humans just to boost about your company accomplishments.”

“I knew it!” Collin called, glaring at Cletus. “Our main purpose is to help humans because it’s the right thing to do. I knew I should have stayed at my record-keeping job.”

“You and Keenie thought joining C.H.E.R.U.B. with me was a good idea and it was!” Cletus protested.

“Cherubs are supposed to do various record keeping for soul count, religions, sins and choices made by humans etc.,”Deerie said. “Just proves that I do my job better than you three after all!”

Keenie smirked. “You sure you’re still not jealous because we got to go on exciting adventures? That we became more famous than you?”

Deerie chuckled. “More like infamous now. Cletus especially, you gave into your pride and wrath during the fight. You cherubs are supposed to help spread the holy word of God, and not go into the human world unless necessary.”

The cherubs lowered their heads a bit.

“Not to mention several people you saved ended up as criminals. You know, the kind of people who abuse their children, scam others into giving them money, enslaving citizens in other countries…”

“How were we supposed to know all of that?!” Keenie cried. “We saved their lives at the request of their loved ones in Heaven!”

“Which, in turn can cause more global suffering and even an altering of history itself,” Deerie explained. “Lyle was destined to die and go to Hell anyway. Your actions are not befitting to your titles as cherubs in the first place. I’m surprised no one has managed to sell you on the black market yet. I guess you can be referred to as…black sheep now!”

Deerie burst into laughter, slapping her furry knees.

“Get out,” Cletus muttered.

Deerie laughed some more, wiping tears from her large eyes. “Oh dearie me, I’m so clever!”

Cletus thought he saw a grinning man’s face with red eyes and licking his lips behind Deerie.

Cletus shook the vision away before yelling, “No I’m serious, get the fuck out!”

“Language!” the other three shouted, their voices echoing in the vast space. The silence was deafening. Or the noises were hearing.

“Well then, I wish you three a fun time on Earth,” Deerie said. “Feel free to not call me again. I have no use dealing with fallen sheep anyway.”

“Can you at least tell us what will happen to us next?” Collin asked.

“Oh that’s actually pretty simple,” Deerie explained. “I.M.P. will be dealt with in due time. But as for you three…”

She pointed her hooves at Collin, Cletus and Keenie, who each gasped in turn. “In Gabriel’s words: ‘You will still redeem and protect human souls but this time under closer supervision. You will learn to live among them for a while in the hopes that your arrogance toward those different from yourselves will subside over time. Only after your true redemption may you return to Heaven. I have the utmost faith in you.’ End quote.”

The three cherubs sighed in relief.

“Oh one last thing,” Deerie grinned. “I forgot to tell you the best part.” Collin and the others did not like the look on her face.

Deerie continued. “Now that you’re here on Earth, you will all be vulnerable to human emotions and sins. Pride, greed, lust, anger, you know it.”

“Not gonna happen lady,” Keenie spat with her hands on her hips.

“Everyone save for God has flaws. You didn’t think that redeeming yourselves would be a stroll in the clouds did you?”

The cherubs looked at each other.

“Yeah, so basically you all have a limited time to prove yourselves on Earth. A couple days at the very least?”

Collin whimpered with droopy ears as his white halo above him briefly flickered.

“Yeah, so if you don’t complete your mission in time…it’s a one-way trip down for you!”

The cherubs yelled while grabbing onto each other.

“Yes indeed!” Deerie said. “I can see you three reluctantly joining up with I.M.P.’s rivals to enact your revenge, turning into the winged devils you were destined to become!”

“Nooooooo!” they cried in horror.

Deerie then let out a childish laugh, waving her hoof. “But hey, that’s just a theory! I look forward to hearing about your…pandemonium adventures in the next few episodes!”

Deerie waved and called, “That’s a wrap! Bye!”

Cletus charged at her again, but she vanished through the portal and it closed.

“No, no, no!” Cletus sobbed again, his co-workers comforting him.

After several minutes, the cherubs stared at the stars and moon through one long window.

“You know guys,” Collin admitted, “Though you might be a pain in my behind at times, you’re still like my family. Whether we’re in Heaven, Earth or Hell…we can get through anything as long as we stick together.”

Keenie gave Collin a comforting side hug. Cletus soon joined in and he sighed. “That’s one thing we can all agree on.”

After staring at the heavens, Cletus said, “We’d better rest up…we have lots of work to do.”

The three cherubs huddled together underneath another Christmas tree, sleeping on a comfortable red rug.

Though the mighty had fallen, they could only hope that the meek could rise.