Helluva Boss Short: Mission: CHUPACABRAS

 

 

A manilla folder was placed on Blitzo’s desk yet again. It was by his #1 BOSS BITCH mug, Moxxie and Millie figures in his drawer, and a picture of a startled Blitzo wandering through the woods.

 

This picture showed a Mexican man wearing a wide-brimmed red sombereo with black stripes and gold bells on it. He had white skin, gray hair, a long black mustache, and a piece of wheat in his mouth. He wore a white shirt with gold skull designs against black on the sides.

 

“I.M.P. Target: Gerardo Velazquez

Location: Small farm outside Tijuana, Mexico

Description: Middle-aged male, smells strongly of hay and tequila

Info: I don’t speak whatever language this guy is yappin’ in, but he keeps making a hand motion that makes me think the target must be a real freak.”

 

Back in the human world, a large white crescent moon shone in the night sky upon a farm.

 

Blitzo grinned as he hopped out of the portal, followed by a grumpy Moxxie and a tumbling Millie. The portal closed behind them. The place was arid with rolling mountains in the background and two barn structures nearby.

 

Blitzo posed with his hands on his hips. “Alright. Seems like this one’s nice and remote. Won’t take us too long to…”

 

Blitzo reeled back. “WHAT THE FU…”

 

A white goat with horns wandered toward him. A herd of brown and dark gray goats bleated and baahed.

 

Blitzo pushed a brown goat away on his knees, turning around and facing the white goat. “What the fuck are these things?!”

 

A little black goat bleated near Moxxie.

 

“I want to say these are Earth goats, sir,” Moxxie stated.

 

Blitzo grunted as he stood up. “I don’t care if they are the ‘greatest of all time,’ they are In. My. Way!”

 

He angrily picked up a white goat by the horns who had been gnawing on the lower part of his outfit. He kicked it, which sent the goat spinning and crashing into a white tower. The tower exploded and crashed to the ground. He tossed more goats against the two farmhouses with tin roofs.

 

The lights flickered on from inside the second house. A Hispanic man opened the door, his head mostly bald. Gerardo. He wore his white shirt with the skull designs and dark pants. A gold tooth gleamed in his mouth. In his hand, he held a bottle of golden Mezcal spirit drink with a smiling white goat logo on it. The bottle had a teal and white twisty straw and a pink umbrella at the top.

 

“Que esta pasando?!”  (“What’s going on?!”)

 

The man then gasped. “Que carajo?!” (“What the Hell?!”)

 

Blitzo stomped repeatedly on two goats, blood splattering around. Another goat held onto the tips of his horns with its teeth. Millie held another goat roughly by the horns, glaring at another goat biting her pointed tail. Moxxie flinched and tried to slap a dark gray goat away.

 

“Nice! Easy, easy goats! Easy!” Moxxie cried.

 

“El Chupacabras!” cried the man, placing his red and black sombrero on his head. His bottle of Mezcal shattered to the wooden floor, revealing a lime slice and a caterpillar-like bug that had been inside. He reached for his gun with a cactus painted on it.

 

He cocked his two-barreled rifle and aimed it at the imps. Several loud blasts rang out into the night. The bullets hit a pile of goat corpses. Blitzo peeked out from inside a dead dark gray goat. “Shit! Scatter!”

 

Blitzo ran for his life across the field. Millie stood up with a goat in her mouth and Moxxie was being dragged along the ground by another goat holding his shirt collar. Milie and Moxxie raced after their boss, Moxxie getting free from the goat who still had a piece of his clothing in its mouth.

 

Blitzo angrily fired from his gun, sharp yellow teeth design showing on the lower part. He jumped onto a brown goat.

 

“Run you stretched asshole!” Blitzo demanded to the goat, kicking its sides. The goat bleated and slumped to the ground.

 

“Dammit!”

 

Blitzo yelled out as a sandal hit him in the head.

 

The farmer’s Hispanic wife angrily yelled at Blitzo. She wore a red skirt, a white apron, a long blue shirt, round gold earrings, and a gold Christian Cross necklace. Her hair was long, curly, and black, with white streaks at the top. She also had red lipstick on her top lips.

 

“Pendejo que te voy a arrancar la cabeza…! (“You idiot! I’m gonna tear your fucking head off!”)

 

“…la Chupacabra de mierda esta…!” (“…piece of shit, Chupacabra!”)

 

She threw another shoe at his head and knocked him down. Blitzo stood up and rubbed his head.

 

“Ay caramba, he brought the big guns,” groaned Blitzo. “Come on, gang, we lost the element of surprise, let’s just get ‘em tomorrow.”

 

A tired, wounded Moxxie swayed where he stood with a swollen eye and goat hoof marks on his work outfit, his pointed tail bent. He held up a finger. “You got it, sir.”

 

“Whoooa!” he cried as the diamond portal appeared behind him. “Let’s go, Millie!” He hosted her through the hole with his hands. Moxxie grunted and fell onto the ground. Millie grabbed his head and pulled him into the I.M.P office.

 

Blitzo continued to run down the field as gunshots flashed around him. He stumbled over another brown goat, hitting the ground. Blitzo yelled as he fired blindly from his guns in both his hands. More gunshots hit a flammable barrel and a tank of spilled gas near a tractor. Another brown goat was casually chewing on top of a large tractor tire. A nearby outhouse exploded, sending more goats into the air.

 

“Whoooaaahhh!” Blitzo screamed as he, too, flew through the air. He reached toward Moxxie and Millie with outstretched hands…

 

…until a goat on fire crashed on top of him and knocked him out.

 

0 0 0

 

Blitzo groaned and slowly woke up. He sat up and glanced down. He was wearing a gray tattered Chupacabra costume with long floppy ears, tan boots and ropes tied around his wrists, boots, and neck. He was also in a cage, put on display for a Hispanic crowd gathered outside.

 

“What the…eeef?!” he cried, pulling at the ears of his costume.

 

The farmer’s wife stood outside, hands on her hips. Men in somberos gathered together and a boy wearing a yellow shirt with a goat on it held a pink ice cream cone.

 

On a stage, Gerardo stood with a baseball ball in his hands. A large sign on the stage read “¡Espectáculo en vivo!” (“Live Show!”) The sign had a black monster face against a red circle that was reminiscent of the Jurassic Park logo. A banner read “100 pesos.” Another banner over the cage read “¡Un verdadero Chupacabera!” (“Real Chupacabra!”)

 

 

“¡Vengan todos!” (“Come one, come all!”)

“Señoras y Señores!” (“Ladies and gentlemen!”)

“¡Pásenle, pásenle!” (“Step right up, step right up!”)

“¡Vengan a ver un auténtico Chupacabra!” (“Come and see an authentic Chupacabra!”)

“¡Solo cien pesos!” (“Only 100 pesos!”)

 

He placed a hand on the sign, and grinned with pride.

“Un verdadero Chupacabra que atrapé anoche.” (“To see a real Chupacabra I caught last night.”)

 

“A chupa what?!” cried Blitzo, slapping the boy’s ice cream onto his face. He poked the crying boy as he wandered away. “Look, buddy, I’ll have you know that I’m a dignified…”

 

“No hablo Inglés.” (“I don’t speak English.”) The man smirked and posed with the wheat stalk in his mouth. The man shoved a stuffed blue, red, yellow, and white goat into Blitzo’s mouth.

 

“¡Todos!” (“Everyone!”)

“¡Mira a este monstruo chupar la sangre de la cabra!”

(“Watch this monster suck the blood from the goat!”)

 

“Oooh!” gasped the crowd.

 

Blitzo spat out the stuffed goat onto a woman and tossed chocolate ice cream onto the boy in the yellow goat shirt.

 

“Look, asshole!” Blitzo called. “The only sucking I do is on cocks…”

 

Gerardo shoved a brown rooster into Blitzo’s mouth. He spat it out. “Egh! Not that kind! Pussies…”

 

“Fuck!” Blitzo called as the farmer shoved a Siamese cat into his mouth. He grabbed it and tossed it aside. “Dammit, I’m doing a bit! And cloacas (buttholes)…ah…!”

 

The farmer looked confused.

 

Blitzo continued. “Now if you don’t mind I…”

 

He was interrupted by the farmer shoving a green lizard into his mouth.

 

Blitzo tossed it aside. “OH, I’M GONNA PUT YOU IN THE FUCKING GROUND!” He flipped him the bird and then turned around, “Hang on.”

 

He looked on his person and saw that Gerardo had stolen his gun and crystal. Gerardo grinned as he twirled Blitzo’s gun in one hand and showed the crystal on his other wrist.

 

“Fuuuucck me,” Blitzo groaned.

 

Just then, a dark green van pulled up. It had a cardboard sombereo on the top and a cardboard “Tacos” sign on the side. Two satellite disks were on top. Two figures got out, wearing sunglasses, business suits and sombereos colored red, yellow and green. They tossed their hats aside.

 

It was Agent One and Agent Two!

 

“Alright,” Agent One spoke, hands on his hips. He looked left and right. “We gotta secure the scene. We heard that there’s a real ‘chupacabra’ here?”

 

“¡Sí, por aquí!” (“Yes, over here!”) called Gerardo, mentioning to Blitzo.

 

Gerardo held out his hand. “Cien pesos por favor.” (“One hundred pesos, please.”)

“Señor, we are with the government,” Agent Two countered.

 

“Cien. Pesos.” (“One. Hundred. Pesos.”) The farmer glared at them, eyes narrowing.

 

“Right,” Agent One began with hesitation. “So uhhh…how much is that?”

 

“Five dollars and sixty nine cents,” said Agent Two.

 

“Uhh, you have any cash on you?” he asked Agent Two.

 

“Who has cash anymore?” she replied.

 

“You paid the tip with cash at brunch the other day.”

 

“Yeah, that’s all I had. Why don’t you pay him? I bought us the coffee this morning.”

 

“Are you really pulling that card in front of this fine man and his fine goats?”

 

The farmer picked up the little black goat and pet it. The goat baahed in his arms, then hopped away. The wheat stalk was in the farmer’s mouth.

 

“No what? I literally never had cash in my life,” said Agent Two. “You’re always the one who pays cash.”

 

Blitzo tried to bite through the bars of his cage. The little black goat came over to him.

 

“Hey, hey, psst!” Blitzo whispered. “Yeah, I know I killed some of your family earlier…”

 

He offered the goat a slice of yellow Swiss cheese.

 

“…but if you help me out of this little pickle, I’ll make it up to you little fella!”

 

Blitzo pet the goat on the head.

 

The goat ate the cheese, bleated and scampered off.

 

“Sooo can you take caaard or…?” Agent One asked the farmer. “OW!”

 

Agent One cried out and fell on his knees after the black goat headbutted him in the groin.

 

“Ffffuuck you stupid goat!”

 

The farmer glared.

 

“¿Insultas a mi cabra? ¡Pagas con tu vida!” (You insult my gooaat? YOU PAY WITH YOUR LIIIIFE!”)

 

The farmer pulled out Blitzo’s gun and aimed it at the Agents. The Agents pulled out their own pistols. “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, woah, hey!” They yelled back and forth as they aimed the guns at each other in a Mexican standoff.

 

The farmer then cried out as Blitzo’s gun burned his hands, making him drop it. A bullet fired from Blitzo’s gun, hitting the windmill, narrowly missing Blitzo’s crotch, and landing near the van.

 

The Agents then gapsed as the metal windmill crashed down onto the farmer, skewering his head and neck. Red blood stained the blades.

 

“Estoy…muerte…” (“I’m…dead…”)

 

Agent One hopped into Agent Two’s arms in fright. “Oh dear God,” Agent Two gaped.

 

Just then, Agent One pointed at Blitzo’s weapon. “DEMON GUN!” The two Agents fired at Blitzo’s gun, not making any scratches on it.

 

“Hey, thattaboy!” Blitzo smiled as the black goat carried the crystal in his mouth and gave it to him.

 

Blitzo wet his fingers and rubbed the crystal. It glowed yellow, creating a portal for him to escape.

 

“Hey dipshits!” Blitzo called from atop his cage. “Remember me?!” He held up two middle fingers.

 

Agent Two gasped. “It’s him!”

 

“Get him!” yelled Agent One.

 

Blitzo laughed and rolled off his cage as he dodged the bullets.

 

He pet the black goat’s head in thanks as he retrived his gun from the goat.

 

Blitzo dodged more bullets and leaped toward the window. He almost slid off, but managed to climb up it before the window shattered from a bullet.

 

Blitzo laughed as he swung himself onto the roof, taking the 100 pesos White banner with him.

 

“Chupacabra!” the crowd cheered, delighted by the spectacle.

 “Yaay! Me gustaaaa!” (“Yay! I like it!”) cheered the boy with the yellow goat shirt, throwing broken glass shards like confetti.

 

Blitzo laughed as he paced on the roof, banner on him like a hood. He took it off.

 

“I’m the fucking ‘chupra-ca-dupra…’” He spun his head around. “…and I’m here to FUCK YOU ALL!” He laughed maniacally, cocking his gun and firing into the crowd. The banner fell to the ground. A herd of goats burst forward and began stampeding into the humans.

 

“¡Ay dios mío! Todos corren! Tiene psitola!” (“Oh my god! Everybody run! He’s got a gun!”) A man wearing a Mexican hat yelled to the crowd, sending people into a scattering panic. 

 

The farmer’s wife sobbed and held her husband’s bloodied corpse. “¡Ay dios mío! Tiene pistola!” (“Oh my god! He’s got a gun!”)

 

One brown goat chewed on a man’s camera. He then screamed as the goat chewed off his arm. A woman screamed as a dark gray goat held a gun in its mouth and fired.

 

One blast hit Agent One’s left leg, revealing a trail of blood.

 

“Agent One, get over here!” cried Agent Two.

 

“We got badges, we’re legit!” Agent One cried. “We’re important! Get out of our way!” He held up a silver badge that read “D.H.O.R.K.S, your text here,” A dark gray goat leaped up and snatched it from his hand. More goats chewed on pesos.

 

“No! More goats!” Agent One cried in fear as the herd stomped and raced into the agents.

 

“Oh my god! Run!” Agent Two cried as goats pulled at her hair and suit.

 

“What are you do…?” A slap to the face with a hoof interrupted Agent One who was on his knees.

 

“Do NOT trip! Do not trip!” cried Agent Two. They frantically got into their van.

 

“Come on!”

 

Agent One put the key into the hole.

 

“Ah! Too many goats!” screamed Agent Two as another dark gray goat jumped against the front window. “AHH! TOO MANY GOATS!” She backed away from a brown goat at the window.

 

“Oh my god! More goats!” creid Agent One. Agent One sped the car away, sending a goat flying off.

 

The last dark gray goat bleated, sending a Mexican man wearing yellow, fleeing in fright.

 

Blitzo and the goat stood on the roof as the sun shone down. Blitzo leaned down.

 

“Amazing work there lil’ buddy.” He rubbed the goat’s head. “You really helped my little red ass out. And for that I’m making you an honorary I.M.P. V.I.P. uh…associate. Here have a sticker. Ha ha! Noink!” He stuck a sticker onto the goat’s forehead. It was a red upside down pentagram with “I.M.P. GUD JOB!” and the I.M.P. logo on it.

 

“Later!” Blitzo did a heavy metal horns sign with his hands before vanishing into the portal.

 

The goat stepped over to the edge of the roof, looking out over the herd. His eyes slowly blinked…

 

Eerie demonic choir music then played as the black goat stood at the head of the herd. He wore a robe and large horns…now a Satanic cult leader. The other goats prostrated before him. They were inside a shed with candles, skulls, a painted red pentagram, and a human arm in a cage.

 

The black goat bleated with a newfound authority, fully embracing his new role.