Helluva Boss Season 2: Episode 10: Ghostf***ers

 

 

 

A white pool ball clacked into a pile of other green balls on a pool table. A green-skinned demon with yellow eyes and wearing a brown hat and trench coat stood up to watch. In the background sat a pink-skinned male demon with long black hair, horns, pink eyes and a worn black shirt sitting with another green demon. They had mugs of drinks in front of them. In glowing neon orange letters, “Beelzejuice” was advertised on a wall along with a palm tree, “BOOZE,” a spilled yellow bottle, and a fish skeleton. There were darts in a nearby target on the wall. A female demon with a tan heart-shaped face stood by the pool table. She had red eyes, black hair, green diamond earrings, red pants, and a black shirt.

 

Assassin Millie sat alone at the bar, a mug in her hand. She wore dark pants, thick black boots, black fingerless gloves, a black collar, blue pants, and a short-cut maroon-red jacket. Her hair was done in a thick black ponytail. A guitar strummed in the background. She took a sip of her drink just as the door opened.

 

Blitzo entered, his eyes glowing yellow. Millie could sense him walking closer, his horned shadow moving along the floor. She glanced over and glared.

 

Blitzo sat next to her, his hands folded on the table. His pointed tail swayed threateningly. He wore a black undershirt with a dark green jacket over it and black and white fingerless gloves. He had light blue pants and tall black boots with red trim and points.

 

 “Sooo,” he began. “You the bitch that took our hit?”

 

“You lookin’ for payback?” Millie asked. “If so, you came to the wrong fucking BAR!”

 

Her pointed tail reached for her hidden knife by her side. She spun the knife in the air with her tail before grabbing it with her hand. It was black with red trim and incredibly sharp. Blitzo could see his startled reflection in it.

 

Millie leaped out of her chair and flipped through the air. She threw her knife in Blitzo’s direction.

 

“Who-oh!”

 

Blitzo narrowly dodged it, using his wooden chair to block it. The knife was stuck into the chair. Blitzo turned around with an impressed grin. “Ni-ice shot!”

 

Blitzo took out the knife with his tail and twirled it. “I can see why Moxxie was so impressed with you.”

 

Millie growled and stood up, her fists clenched.

 

Millie snorted and raced forward to attack. She landed several punches and Blitzo used the chair to block them.

 

“Huh-oh! Impressive!” Blitzo remarked as Millie broke the chair with her fists. One of the chair legs hit a green demon who was eating spaghetti with a purple demon.

 

“Who’s that?” Millie asked. “Your boss? Hah!”

 

Millie landed a kick and shattered the chair completely. Blitzo was sent backwards into a table. “Ow!” A yellow demon with orange eyes and a gray demon with purple eyes sat and watched. Blitzo held two broken chair legs in his hands, and he dropped them. “Ha! He fucking wishes!” Blitzo proudly pointed at himself. “No, I work for myself, lady.”

 

In response, Millie did a flip in the air, smashing the table and causing the demons to scatter away.

 

“Nice one!” Blitzo called as he moved away from Millie.

 

 

Millie knocked out a yellow demon. “Bullshit! Who sent you?”

 

Blitzo backed into the bar and the heavyset bartender backed away.

 

Blitzo flipped backward onto the table, avoiding her punches.

 

Millie shoved a demon out of the way. “Who are you working for?!”

 

Blitzo flipped off the table. “What? You don’t believe me?”

 

“Imps don’t work for themselves, asshole,” Millie scoffed.

 

She took out a golden knife from her hair and charged at Blitzo. He swerved out of the way. Blitzo slammed her into a pillar and elbowed her in the face. “Well, this one does, and he’s very interested in having you join his team.”

 

Millie grunted and climbed up the wall before flipping over Blitzo.

 

“You think you have anything to offer me?”

 

Blitzo winced as Millie punched him in the jaw. He grinned as he wiped black blood from his nose. Millie grinned and rushed over to him.

 

“Double whatever you’re getting paid now!” Blitzo declared, blocking her fists with his wrists.

 

“Ha ha!” Blitzo grinned as he used his tail to grab Millie’s leg and swing her across the room.

 

Millie balanced on the wall and grabbed a handful of darts. “I’m between jobs. HAH!”

 

She threw them at him. Blitzo jumped out of the way, resulting in the darts hitting the bartender who collapsed.

 

Blitzo flipped again and landed on a pool table. He looked at Millie. “Huh. This powerhouse. How’d that happen?”

 

“Not exactly a shortage of imp assassins in Wrath,” Millie muttered. “Reputation is everything.”

 

“And what’s your reputation, hmm?” Blitzo asked.

 

Millie grunted and swung at Blitzo with a pool stick. He flipped to the other side. He broke the stick with a high knee jerk. Millie jabbed the sticks at his head, and he dodged. Blitzo swung his foot, and she ducked. He leaped over Millie before she stood could smack him with her foot. Blitzo flipped again and pulled back the pool table. They both tumbled off and landed on the floor.

 

Blitzo and Millie slid into position, and both stood up. Millie had never fought anyone this skilled before…and persistent.

 

“Who the fuck are you?”

 

Blitzo put his fists on his hips. “Someone with an eye for potential. Now you wanna keep working for peanuts…”

 

He held out his hand…

 

“…or do you wanna shake things up?”

 

Millie held out her hand…only to toss a knife rapidly in his direction.

 

Blitzo didn’t even flinch as the knife was embedded into the wall. He continued to grin as black blood dropped from the cut on his cheek.

 

Millie was impressed with his unfailing courage.

 

Millie facepalmed and chuckled. “You’re fucking weird. I’m in.”

 

They both shook hands.

 

“So, who’s that Moxxie guy you mentioned?”

 

Blitzo ruffled her hair playfully and put an arm around her shoulder. “Oh, your new coworker. Yeah, you…you’ll fucking hate him.”

 

The other demons groaned on the floor as the imps went out the door.

 

Later, Millie flipped onto the roof and beamed at Moxxie and Loona. Sweat beaded Moxxie’s face and he blushed when she shook his hand. It was love at first sight. Loona stood unamused with a phone in her hand, torn gray shorts, a blue shirt with a white crescent moon on it, and gray streaks in her white mane of long hair.

 

Millie laughed as she took a large double-bladed black axe from Blitzo and followed him.

 

On the I.M.P. building, a banner read “Office Space For Lease! Call 555-RENT for details. Cheryl, if you see this, please come back, she meant nothing to me, I’m sorry.”

 

Blitzo stood by the office door. “Welcome to I.M.P.!” The door opened.

 

Millie gasped in disbelief. “Holy shit!” There was a gaping hole in the ceiling and a bucket to hold drops of water from a leak. Packed boxes were everywhere. Electric eels swam in a fish tank.

 

“Sir, what is this?” Moxxie asked.

 

Blitzo patted Stolas’ grimoire in his hands.

 

“This baby right here is our future, ‘kay? So I figured we deserve an upgrade, right? New clients, new office, new Ring. Go on, check it out!”

 

Millie stood perplexed by the doorway as Loona and Moxxie explored.

 

Blitzo glared at Millie, hands on his hips. “What? Not nice enough for you? I did the fucking best I could.”

 

Millie looked around, moving her hand on the door. “We…heh…we don’t deserve this.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“We’re just Wrathian’s Blitz. Muscle. It’s all we’re good for. All I’m good for.” She looked off to the side. “It’s why you hired me. Any demon good at making a buck is welcome in Lust or Greed, but here in Pride? Demons like us ain’t cut out for this. When a goon fails their mission set by their overlord, they are easily replaced. It’s endless competition.”

 

“Ummm, fuck you,” Blitzo dismissed.

 

“What?!”

 

“Millie, I’ve spent too much of my time, energy, and holes into setting this up for us to entertain your bullshit. I brought you into this company for a reason, okay? You’re tougher, smarter, and frankly more capable than anyone I’ve ever met in any Ring.”

 

Millie tried not to cry.

 

He put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “And I’m more fuckable and business savvy than any succu-bitch alive! Loona’s perfect and Moxxie’s…”

 

He rolled his eyes as he watched Moxxie admire the eels.

 

“…probably got some good traits too and I’m sure we’ll figure them out eventually. The point is, if we can’t make it here, then…then no one deserves to, right?”

 

He pulled her close and led her to his office. “’Kay, so stop killing my buzz and come on, I wanna show you my office!” Millie smiled at her new friend.

 

Millie grinned from her window at the new I.M.P. building. She and Moxxie watched as Blitzo tossed a grenade at a demon, splattering blood everywhere. She followed him as they climbed up a building with rope together. She grinned as she and Blitzo fired their guns on Earth. Moxxie stood in the background by a “Western Ski Restaurant” sign. Blitzo sped in his van and Millie posed with her axe. She happily leaped into the air, the sun reflecting on her and she landed on the ground and beheaded a human man. She happily posed before Blitzo came over, shoved Moxxie aside, and embraced her. The two of them laughed as Moxxie and Loona looked on.

 

Millie had found a place where she felt like she had a new family…a place where she belonged.

 

 

 

0 0 0 0 0 0

 

 

 

 

The sky glowed a crimson red over the towering structure of the I.M.P. office building. Millie hummed happily as she carried a tray of drinks toward the door. On the door read “SUCC INC FLOORS: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,” and “IMP FLOOR 5.” Millie took the elevator to the fifth floor and carried the tray. The drinks had the imps’ names spelled wrong: “Luna,” “Blit3” and “Foxxie.” Loona’s drink had a dog bone in it.

 

“Howdy, mister!” Millie greeted as she passed a tall pink incubus wearing a shirt with a heart-shaped hole in the back. He was beside a pink-skinned succubus with wavy brown hair, wearing torn white shorts and holding papers.

 

“Fine mornin’!” Millie smiled at a tall succubus with long purple hair, a teal high-cut shirt, tall boots and upside down black cross earrings. She smiled at two succubi standing by a water cooler near the entrance to Verosika Mayday’s studio. One wore a red skirt and a black bra-like top and the other wore long dark red pants and a short purple shirt. Across from Verosika’s office was the I.M.P. office. “I.M.P. Headquarters” was painted red on the door window.

 

Millie spun around as she kicked open the door. “Another day in paradise!”

 

Millie froze as she spotted an exhausted, disheveled Loona standing in the middle of the office. She was surrounded by boxes and held a stuffed owl over a fire burning in a metal barrel.

 

“Oh shit, it’s morning,” Loona groaned as she dropped the owl into the flames.

 

“Uh, yeah,” Millie remarked, closing the door. “Have you been here all night?” She cocked her head. “And what are you doing?”

 

Loona took the tray. “Blitz bought two hundred taxidermy owls, then said I couldn’t go home until I burned…”

 

She whispered, her red eyes widening with distress… “…all of them.”

 

She dumped all the drinks into her mouth, then slouched some more.

 

Millie heard a knock on the door. She opened it and there was Wally Wackford. He was dressed as a delivery guy with orange shorts, a white shirt with yellow spots, a yellow hat and a black cane in his hand.

 

“Hey!” he called. “I got an order here for a hundred more waaacky owls!”

 

He handed Loona his clipboard with papers on it. “Fuuuuuck,” she groaned.

 

Wally Wackford peered in. “Hey! I haven’t seen you guys in a while, heh! Do you like, wanna hang out some…”

 

Millie cut him off by slamming the door in his face.

 

“Okay! That answers that, I say, I say!” Wally Wackford called from behind the door.

 

Loona handed the clipboard to Millie, who flipped through it.

 

“Blitz is still sulking?” She tossed the clipboard to the side, hands on her hips. “It’s been over a month. And where is Moxxie? He didn’t come home last night.”

 

Millie heard a loud screeching coming from the other room. She burst into the room, fangs barred and ready to attack. She paused when she saw a distressed Moxxie.

 

“Honey?” she asked. “You okaaay?”

 

“I’m stuck in a math nightmare!” cried Moxxie, clenching two pieces of paper. He hyperventilated on top of the desk, looking at charts and diagrams on the board. “The numbers, the numbers! I can’t make them add up! We’re FUCKED!”

 

Moxxie buried his face in the papers and sobbed. On the board were papers marked with red stamps labeled “PAST DUE,” “UNPAID,” and “FINAL NOTICE.”

 

“Come on, baby,” Millie encouraged, putting a hand on his shoulder. “It can’t be that bad.”

 

Moxxie whirled around. “He drained our pension and used it to buy THESE!”

 

He mentioned to a box full of plates which had pictures of brown horses on them with their tongues sticking out.

 

“Damn,” Millie said, worried. “I’ve never seen him in such bad shape.”

 

Moxxie frantically grabbed Millie’s cheeks “Bad? Bad?! This isn’t bad! This is just a FINANCIAL APOCALYPSE!” He waved his arms and papers fell to the floor.

 

“I usually just give him space to work his shit out, but…” Millie pondered, rubbing her fingers together. “You think I should talk to him?”

 

Moxxie’s yellow eye twitched. “We’re gonna get audited, we’re gonna be evicted, we’re going BANKRUPT! Our lives are over, Millie, all my hard work gone in a flash!” He curled up into a ball on the floor and cried, holding a paper with a bar graph on it. “Oooh, I should’ve been a theater critic, I have objectively correct opinions,” he mentioned. “We’re…we’re gonna default…and you know what, it’s not my fault we’re gonna default…it’s HIS FAULT!”

 

“Loona, I need my piss bucket NOW!” Blitzo’s voice demanded from another room.

 

Blitzo lounged on a bunch of purple pillows and blankets in his office. He squirted gold “Whip Me!” cheese whiz into his mouth and ate from a “Cryers Carolina Reaper” ice cream container with an image of a crying eye with black tears on the box. He scooped ice cream onto his spoon, poured cheese whiz on top and stuffed it into his mouth.

 

On a large old TV, a woman with long blond hair did a seductive pose in an old room. She wore a black witch hat with a red ghost design on the black belt on top. She wore high heel black boots and pants of red and white with red on the bottom and white on top. She wore a black dress top with black thread-like designs along the bottom. Her top had red hand marks on her breasts and stomach. She carried a vacuum-like device similar to the ones used by the crew in Ghostbusters.

 

Bethany Ghostfucker strut into the room. “Oh, ooh, okay, I’m getting a real sexy energy from this room!” She moved her body and the device around. “Oh, there is definitely a fuckable spirit here!” She wiggled her butt.

 

“Yeah, get that spooky ghoul cock, bitch,” smirked Blitzo.

 

“Blitz!” Millie called from the other side of the door.

 

“GO AWAY!” he yelled.

 

His door was covered with crisscrossing chains and a note that read “FUK OF.”

 

“I’m comin’ in!” Millie declared.

 

“Read the chains!” Blitzo fired back.

 

Millie simply opened the door and maneuvered through the chains. She went over and turned off the TV.

 

“Blitz, what are you doing? You’ve been in here watching this Earth trash forever.”

 

Blitzo thrust his spoon forward. “I’M COPING!”

 

“Yeeaah, well…” Millie was trying to explain. “You’ve ‘coped’ away every dollar we had.”

 

She sat next to him.

 

“Those plates are collectables, Millie,” Blitzo said, bending his spoon. “I’m gonna sell ‘em next year for three times as much and then I’ll have something to show for it when they things I care about vanish.” He flicked his spoon away and it stuck into a cardboard flap of a box. The TV remote was wrapped in his tail.

 

“Mmmkay…” Millie began. She elbowed him playfully. “My mama always said, the best way to deal with being sad is the sweat and blood of hard work. Washes the tears right off.”

 

Blitzo rolled his eyes. “I don’t need any of your ‘folksy-doksy’ fucking country wisdom, Millie. I need to watch the Ghostfuckers get dicked down by a disembodied spirit and eat my feelings til’ I die from a heart attack or diabetes, whichever pops open my heart first!”

 

He leaned forward and stuffed his face full of cheese whiz he poured into the container. The rest of the block of ice cream hung from his mouth.

 

“I don’t get it, Blitz,” Millie said. “All this over a breakup?”

 

Blitzo swallowed the block of ice cream. “IT WAS NOT A BREAKUP! You need a relationship for one of those and we never had that.”

 

He looked downcast and sniffed. “And we never will.”

 

“Ohhh, Blitz…” Millie began, concerned for her friend.

 

Just then, Blitzo’s office phone rang. Blitzo pushed a button with his finger. “What?!”

 

From the other room, Loona mentioned, “We have a client.”

 

“Tell them to FUCK OFF!” Blitzo yelled in annoyance.

 

“Don’t!” Millie screamed, slamming her hand on the button. “I’ll be right there.”

 

Millie came into the main room. Loona stood bored as a former human psychic babbled on: Rita. She had lavender skin, big magenta eyes, golden horns, lime green puffy hair, a bob of blond hair, and little magenta chains holding up her large round glasses. Her nails were long, sharp and yellow. She wore a gold collar with pink diamond gems on it, a long sleeve dark purple top, and long magenta pants. She also carried a purse with a pink eye design over her shoulder. Her head was disembodied, hovering a few inches. She also had a fluffy green tail with yellow diamonds on it.

 

“You know my psychic told me I’d be going somewhere bad on Wednesday. I thought she meant Baltimore. I didn’t think it was HELL!” She slammed her hand in frustration.

 

Loona nodded, unamused. “Mhm, mhm, interesting.” Loona picked up Millie and moved her in front of the client. “Oh look! Someone whose job it is to listen to you!”

 

Millie glared at Loona before turning to Rita. “What’s going on?”

 

“Okaaay! From the top.” She posed on a box. “I went for my usual tarot reading last week, and my psychic showed me the Death card and the Devil card when I asked where I should travel next. I travel around to give live readings to people. She was all like, ‘Be careful where you stay, there’s a good chance of a grisly end.’ ‘Your enemy is of the water.’ Whatever that meant. And last of all, ‘Don’t lose your head.’”

 

Rita briefly moved her hovering head with her hands, then put it back over her nonexistent neck with a glare. “You can see how well THAT turned out. Anyway, I was staying in this one-star hotel by a cemetery…figured I could brush up on my psychic skills talking to ghosts…”

 

Loona yawned.

 

“Ghosts don’t exist,” Millie folded her arms.

 

“Oh yes they do,” Rita explained. “You only hear about human souls going to Hell or Heaven but never about those that stay on Earth. So yesterday I was killed by the evil ghost haunting the spooky hotel. I felt a horrible pain in my neck, and it all went black. Now I’m here.”

 

Millie scoffed. “Ma’am, I don’t know how to tell you this…again, but, when humans die, they either end up here, or up there…”

 

“You’ve never stayed on Earth,” Rita replied. “I have seen ghosts there with my psychic eye…it was just plain bad karma that I ended down here.”

 

“How so…besides being killed?” Millie asked.

 

Rita looked around nervously. “I may have…once or twice…conned some people online…raising my prices and scaring anyone I didn’t like with non-existent death prophecies…”

 

“Weirdo hippie,” Loona muttered.

 

“I’m telling you, ghosts DO exist!” said Rita.

 

“Millie’s telling you ghosts aren’t real, lady!” Loona barked.

 

Blitzo then burst out of his office, the door smashing apart. A flashing red light fell to the floor under the door. “GHOST?! I HEARD GHOST! Where’s the ghost I can fuck…er, hunt?”

 

Millie waved her hand. “Blitz, calm down! Someone killed this lady, but it wasn’t…”

 

 

“Millie!” Blitzo leaned close to her face. “Let. Me. Have. This.”

 

“But…”

 

Blitzo held up a punch card labeled “UNCONDITUINAL SUPPORT :) Free, Blitzo has to leave M and M alone for one date.” The last space was an upside-down pentagram star.

 

Millie sighed and punched the last hole in the card with her knife. Blitzo put an arm around Rita and they walked out of the office. “Alright,” he said, “So tell me what it looked like, starting with its hotness and tightness. How many-how many abs would you say you witnessed?”

 

Loona snored and a snot bubble appeared under her nose. Millie grinned at Loona.

 

“Well. At least he’s out of his office!”

 

The bubble popped, startling Loona awake.

 

A short time later, Loona leaned against the entrance of I.M.P. headquarters. Millie pulled out a box labeled “GOST FOKRS SHIT!”

 

“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” Loona mentioned.

 

“He’ll be fine,” Millie remarked. “We’ll check the place out, see what passes on Earth for creepy, and Blitz will get all this out of his system.”

 

She turned to Loona. “You just need to keep an eye on Moxxie, he’s a little…”

 

She glanced upward at Moxxie who was inside banging his head against the glass window and yelling, “BANKRUPTCY! BANKRUPTCY! BANKRUPTCY!” He tore off his shirt.

 

“…upsetti,” she finished.

 

Loona put her hand on her hip. “I don’t take orders from you, grandma.”

 

“Look,” pleaded Millie, “I can’t keep both of them out of trouble at the same time. I need your help.”

 

Loona folded her arms. This was perhaps the first time she felt truly needed by someone.

 

“Please?” Millie asked.

 

Blitzo pulled up in the I.M.P. van. The back was spray-painted with “GHOSTFUCKERS” in purple letters against teal. The ghosts were painted pink, flying near a haunted house silhouette. One pink ghost grinned with two guns in its hands. The back circular part of the van had an upside-down red pentagram on it.

 

“Get in loser,” Blitzo grinned at Millie. “We’re going ghost fuckin’!”

 

Millie lifted up the box and put it in the back of the van. She held the sliding door and looked back at Loona.

 

Loona scoffed. “Ugh! Fine! I’ll watch the nerd. But you’re the one cleaning off the van!”

 

“Thanks, Loona.” Millie said with a small appreciative smile.

 

Loona’s heart warmed at the nice words of her friend…

 

“Don’t get used to it!” she yelled back at Millie.

 

Millie slid to the front in the seat next to Blitzo, pulling on her seatbelt. Blitzo rubbed his Asmodean crystal on his wrist, and a pink diamond-shaped portal opened before them.

 

“Let’s gape this hole wide open!” Blitzo declared happily, pulling down the clutch and grabbing the steering wheel.

 

Blitzo grinned and hit the gas.

 

The van sped through the opening…

 

…crashing into a tombstone and a skeleton on Earth.

 

“We’re here,” Blitzo groaned.

 

Millie stumbled out of the van, rubbing her head.

 

Blitzo got out and looked around. “Huh, interesting. Aren’t we supposed to be at a haunted hotel?”

 

The answer appeared before him. “One Star Wonder” glowed in orange atop an old tall hotel building covered with spider webs. Lightning flashed on either side of the place. The hotel was surrounded by dead trees, black iron fences and more graves.

 

Blitzo chuckled, rubbing his hands together. “Oh-ho yeah, this place is gonna be ripe with fuckable spirits! I gotta get a reading.”

 

Blitzo rummaged through the box of supplies. “Look, Blitz,” said Millie, “I know this is fun and all, but, come back to reality. You do know ghosts aren’t real, right?”

 

Blitzo shined a flashlight near his face. “But they are.”

 

Millie facepalmed. “Oh my fucking Satan.”

 

Blitzo smirked as he carried a Ghostbuster-like device with a vacuum and a pink dildo-shaped remote.

 

“What is that?” Millie asked.

 

“You like it? It’s Bethany Ghostfucker’s ghost sucker, nine thousand! Sure to get you a ghost after a ghost gets you…off! Only set me back a couple thousand.”

 

“A couple what?!” Millie fumed and tossed a bone at him. “You haven’t paid me in a month!”

 

Blitzo sucked the bone into the device. “Uh oh! Looks like it sucked all the fun outta you!” He briefly sucked her cheek with the vacuum. He shoved clothes into her arms: a black “staff” tank top, dark blue pants with a chain along the pocket, and a purple beanie hat with a yellow ghost frown face on the top.

 

“Now hurry up and put these on, these ghosts aren’t gonna fuck themselves.”

 

Millie took an angry deep breath, pulling on the shirt. “He needs this…he needs this…he needs this…”

 

Blitzo posed in his Bethany Ghostfucker costume: black boots, a blue-gray top with black threads on the bottom, red and white pants, a black witch hat with a pink inner rim, a red ghost pin on his hat, and a blonde wig with a braid.

 

Blitzo pushed open the doors and grinned as lightning flashed behind him. He happily waved to an unamused Millie, who held a black video camera.

 

They entered the lobby. The carpeted floor was red and decorated with eyes. Spiderwebs lined the old orange couches and the worn wooden walls. A dead plant sat on a round white table. There were overhead lights with extended round lights shaped like bubbles.

 

Blitzo aimed his remote at a man behind a desk, and he lowered it with his fingers. The gaunt man had white skin, a bald head save for a few strands of blond hair, and heavy sunglasses tinted dark yellow. He wore a gray shirt and a red vest over it. He had thin black mustache hairs near his nose. A blue door behind him had a sign with a skull on it that read “Staff only.”

 

“Welcome to the One Star Wonder where it’s a wonder we still have that star.” He cracked his head to the side. “How may I help you today?”

 

Blitzo spoke in a valley girl accent. “We’re filming a very special episode of my hit show and we’re gonna need access to every room in this dump.”

 

He held out a card to Rolando.

 

“Christ, you Hollywood assholes are pushy little pricks,” he seethed, taking the card. “I can’t just give you the keys to every ba...”

 

He read the card: “BATHINEE GOZTFUKR, I’M FAMOS, (this is a real I.D.).” There was a dick drawing on it and a crude drawing of the actress.

 

He held up the card and glanced at Blitzo, sweat beading down his face.

 

He grinned and snapped. “Well snap me in half! You’re Bethany Ghostfucker from that one show…” He put his finger to his chin.

 

“It’s called Ghostfuckers, idiot,” Blitzo remarked.

 

“No, but you’re getting close. Anyway, I am glad to see you folks. He pulled open a drawer. “We’ve been having more…”

 

An evil glint appeared in his eyes and his smile stretched. “…disturbances than usual lately.”

 

Blitzo made a show of grabbing onto his imaginary breasts. “What kind? Se-sexy disturbances?”

 

Rolando placed down three crime scene photos onto the desk. “The kind that are killing my guests!”

 

The first photo showed a shadow of a woman being tossed into the air. The second showed the corpse of a screaming old man, the floor littered with his organs and his blood splattered against the wall. The third picture showed the decapitated head of Rita the psychic lady. She used to have brown curly hair, glasses, and purple earrings, the eyes gaping black sockets.

 

“Well, there definitely ain’t no such thing as ghosts,” said Millie.

 

“You sure about that?” Rolando asked, head cocked. The lights briefly flickered overhead.  

 

Millie shrugged it off and pushed back the gruesome photos. “We’ll get to the bottom of what’s killing your guests.”

 

“Uh, yeah, except ghosts are real, camera man,” Blitzo mentioned to Millie.

 

“They’re a conspiracy, Bethany,” she replied.

 

“Uh, then what do I plan on fucking tonight?”

 

Rolando growled. “Real or not, this needs to stop.”

 

“Uh, we’ll need those keys then,” Blitzo said, holding out his hand.

 

Rolando gave them to him. “They killed my last cleaning lady and now I’m stuck with this.”

 

Rolando mentioned to a squat bell hopper dressed in a red uniform. He slobbered and babbled in an accent sounding like the alien Stitch. Millie and Blitzo flinched back in disgust. “Eugh.”

 

“Poor thing can’t even blink.”

 

Blitzo twirled the keys. “No promises. Come along Mil…I mean, camera man.” Millie huffed as she followed him.

 

An old torn portrait of Rolando holding a red rose was hung in the hall. His eyes appeared to follow the imps as they made their way down the halls. Water dripped from an old exposed brown pipe in the ceiling. An old red rotary phone rang on a side table nearby.

 

“Blitz, we have a job to do,” Millie reminded him. “Someone killed that lady, and it wasn’t no phantom. So we should be tracking…”

 

“Shh!” Blitzo hissed. “I’m getting a reading.”

 

He wandered over to a door, holding his remote in front of him. He got out one of the keys. Millie blocked his path.

 

“Hold on! There might be someone in there!”

 

Blitzo glared. “Yeah, you bet your ass there’s someone in there! A ghost, about to get a mouthful of…s-s-something sexual!”

 

He kicked open the door and posed by a bed. An elderly man and a woman read on the bed. The woman read a book “How to Eat an Entire Plane – hell yeah it’s edible!” The man read, “What is Gay Sex?”

 

 

“LOOK ALIVE, YOU UNDEAD COCK SLEEVE!”

 

Blitzo turned on the device and the vacuum sucked up the books, blanket and their clothes. The couple screamed.

 

Blitzo spoke in his valley accent and flipped them a middle finger. “Prepare to get sucked off to the astral plane, bitches!”

 

The couple huddled in fear. “Oh my, Delores!” said the man, hugging his crying wife.

 

“Dammit, Blitz, they aren’t ghosts! These are just shriveled humans!” She turned to them. “No offence.”

 

The old man stood up in his underwear and got out of bed. “Think you’re pretty slick, huh?” He held onto his aching knee. “You looking for a fight? I’ll give you a fight!”

 

Millie sighed. “Let’s leave these two…oof!”

 

The man punched Millie through a wall. Blitzo stood agape.

 

“I fuckin’ beat the Nazis,” the man declared, “and I’ll beat you guys too!”

 

“Look out, Millie, he’s a patriot!” called Blitzo.

 

The wife stood up and pointed at Blitzo. “Get him, Harold!”

 

Blitzo raced out of the room, dodging the man’s punches.

 

Millie pulled Blitzo along and they both scurried off.

 

“Get back here you red little shits!” Delores bellowed, holding a cane in her hand and racing after them. “How dare you hurt my Harold!”

 

The imps raced from room to room, the humans following them like a Scooby Doo montage. Blitzo pushed a cart down the hall with Millie balancing on it. He entered a dining area and sucked up a plate of spaghetti off the table with a grin. Several humans gasped at the sight. Millie got it on film.

 

The duo of imps then raced from the dining area as the people angrily chased them. On and on through the rooms they went. Millie grinned apologetically as she accidentally came across a couple about to have sex in a bedroom. Even the zombie-like bell hopper chased after them. Blitzo briefly carried a blond woman in his arms as he raced into more rooms. The imps rammed into each other, watching as the humans surrounded them. They leaped out of the way before they could be captured.

 

They soon arrived at an indoor pool area. The walls were worn and torn. Several white lounge chairs surrounded the pool. Off to the side were rows of square shaped tan lockers, many with cobwebs inside the spaces. Overhead were round yellow, blue and white lights in the ceiling. Blitzo tossed his device into Delores and raced toward the wall. Millie climbed up a lounge chair and ripped off a vent cover. Blitzo hoisted Millie up onto his shoulders and she climbed through the vent. Blitzo soon followed her, losing the mob of guests below.

 

“Wow, nice one, Mils,” Blitzo commented, looking at his remote. “I think I found the problem though! The readings were coming from above us, so let’s get up there and…”

 

“Ow!” Blitzo cried as he ran into Millie.

 

Millie turned around. “Enough!”

 

Blitzo fumbled to catch his remote.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m done. I don’t wanna play ghost hunter with you, and I…”

 

“Uh, it’s Ghostfuckers,” Blitzo said in his valley accent, reaching for his hat.

 

Millie snatched the hat and leaned angrily into his face. “I wasn’t done!” Blitzo flinched back as she continued. “You know, I always love to have fun with you, and I ain’t said boo to you moping around like a sad sack for weeks.” She jabbed a finger into his chest. “But we have bills to pay.”

 

She shoved the hat back to him. “So look, you can go be pathetic and play sex ghosts if that’s what you need to do, but I gotta get this job done.”

 

She crawled off to the left, near a cobwebbed fan in the vent.

 

“Fine!” Blitzo spat. “Who needs you anyway?!” He crawled off to the right. He shouted in his valley accent, “Bethany Ghostfucker works ALONE!”

 

A cockroach skittered along the metal walls. Blitzo climbed up another level, brushing aside cobwebs.

 

“Yeah, who needs you anyway?” he muttered. “Fucking ghost denying piece of shi…IIIT!”

 

Blitzo paused. Floating in front of him, not too far away was…

 

“A ghost?”

 

An apparition of the disemboweled elderly man appeared. Only his upper half was visible. His eyes were nothing but black gaping sockets.

 

“Leave,” he rattled.

 

“Y-you certainly aren’t fuckable,” Blitzo mentioned, then shrugged. “But hey, at least I have proof that ghosts exist.”

 

“Fuck, get out of my way,” Blitzo waved a hand at the spectral.

 

The ghost shook his head ominously at Blitzo before he vanished.

 

Blitzo continued to crawl until…

 

“SHIT!”

 

He lifted up his hand. It was sticky with black goo. The goo was all over the vent. “What the fuck is this?”

 

He wiped his hands on his pants and continued. He slipped and fell into the goo on the vent floor. He lifted himself up and continued to crawl. He soon began climbing up the metal vent wall, when he froze.

 

He could see nothing but darkness ahead. The strange black goo began to move on its own. Ever slowly, it began to drip down the wall.

 

“Ugh, uh, ahh!” Blitzo suddenly felt himself slipping.

 

“Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit!”

 

The black goo became thicker and began to rush down faster.

 

“Satan, Satan, Satan, oh FUCK!”

 

Now Blitzo was beginning to slide and lose his grip.

 

“Millie?!” he cried.

 

Sweat poured down his face as he managed to briefly grip a crack in the vent with his fingertips. He strained to hold on.

 

“Millie! Millie! I need help!”

 

The black goo poured over his fingers.

 

“I can’t hold on, Millie!”

 

Blitzo then gasped as the black substance landed on his face. He smelled a tangy, copper smell in the space.

 

His heart sank. Looking closer, the goo looked exactly like…

 

“Oh, oh fuck me, the hell is that?”

 

Sure enough, it wasn’t goo at all…black demon blood fell from the top of the dark opening and rained down on him.

 

“WOAHH!”

 

He lost his grip and rapidly plummeted. Millie opened the vent, and he tumbled down into a hallway. He stared at his hands and face. They were completely dry.

 

Blitzo reached out and stood up as Millie left. “Millie! Did you not hear me calling for help?”

 

“M-Mils!”

 

He raced after her and spun her around…

 

“You ALWAYS need help, Blitz!” screeched a distorted voice.

 

Blitzo reeled back at the sight of a faceless Millie before him.

 

A nearby door opened, and a clawed hand gripped the frame. Another distorted voice that sounded similar to Millie’s.

 

“Always needing to take from those around you…”

 

To Blitzo’s horror, a glowing yellow eye appeared in the darkness, and out rose…

 

“Millie?” Blitzo stuttered.

 

But this Millie had rope wrapped around her wrists, a tree branch in her messy hair, bullet holes in her chest and shards of blood-stained glass where her left eye would be.

 

A horrific vision flashed in Blitzo’s mind…Millie leaping up to attack Ralphie, only for him to smash his glass bottle straight into her eye. Millie screamed and held her eye as black blood spurted forth. Then Blitzo found himself tied with Millie as the blond Martha grinned evilly and held her gun. Several shots rang out…one bullet from Martha hit Millie in the chest. Then another bullet flew through the air and hit her again. Martha then fell to the ground, thanks to Moxxie’s next shot. Moxxie then rushed over and wailed at the sight of Millie’s limp body next to Blitzo.

 

“Noooo!”

 

Moxxie looked at the bullet holes. “I…I killed her?”

 

Moxxie then glared at Blitzo with tears in his eyes, “What did you do?!”

 

“I didn’t do anyth…”

 

The vision faded, leaving Blitzo gasping in the hall again.

 

“That didn’t happen, that didn’t happen,” he told himself. “We killed that Satanic family, and all made it out. That Millie can’t be real, right?”

 

In response, another door opened.

 

“You leave them worse and more broken than you found them.”

 

Blitzo yelped as another Millie entered from a door. Her face was burned and badly sacred, mostly yellow with only a few patches of red skin. Her eyes were black, and the remains of her black hair were singed. Glowing green flames sparked on the ends of her hair. She wore a black collar and a torn black suit with a high white collar.

 

Suddenly Blitzo found himself back in Loo-Loo Land…

 

He fought Robo Fizz in the tent until facing him outside. Robo Fizz grinned as he walked through the green flames. Blitzo fired bullets from his gun at Robo Fizz. Robo Fizz rolled into the stand of toys, blowing it up and sending some stuffed animals flying through the air.

 

Stolas held Octavia in his arms, and they smiled. Blitzo crash-landed to the ground with Moxxie and Millie. A black queef dragged an unconscious Millie off to the side. Blitzo and Moxxie soon recovered…but as they reached their friend, they only saw her burned, still body. Her eyes were black and lifeless, all her skin peeled.

 

“Millie, no!” Blitzo cried. Moxxie screamed as well, cradling her.

 

“Blitz, I’m so sorry,” said a concerned Stolas, coming over.

 

“No, this can’t be happening!” Blitzo yelled, snapping out of the second vision.

 

Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse…

 

A goopy slimy pink Millie stared at him with glowing white eyes, black blood raining from her eyes. Her black torn overalls were lopsided, and her hair was dripping in slime. Parts of her skin were cracked.

 

“The fuck happened to you?” Blitzo asked.

 

He soon got his answer as he was transported back to a beach on Earth. Verosika Mayday had tossed her drink into the ocean, causing a fish to morph into a hideous monster. The monster wrapped its tongue around a drunken Moxxie and snapped him up. Millie stabbed a man and threw a flaming Molotov cocktail at the beast. The fish stumbled and fell back into the water. Using her knife, Millie slid up along the monster’s body. With her knife in her mouth, she pried open the monster’s mouth, holding onto its teeth. A drunken Moxxie was punching the monster’s uvula.

 

Millie strained and reached out to Moxxie. Moxxie gave her a high five. Millie grabbed hold of Moxxie’s arm with one hand, balancing her stretched legs on the monster’s teeth. With a mighty slice, she sliced off the monster’s tongue, sending a piece of the tongue and Moxxie happily flying through the air. The tongue piece landed on the sand, and Blitzo caught the dazed Moxxie.

 

Moxxie cheered drunkenly.

 

To Blitzo’s surprise, the fish gave one last roar and disappeared back into the water.

 

There was no sign of Millie.

 

“FUUUUCCKKK, FUCK!” Blitzo screamed as he saw another flash of Millie trying to stab the monster in vain. Her stabs grew slower and slower until she dropped the knife. Her body convulsed and she gasped for air, trying to escape the monster’s teal stomach. She soon slipped and fell onto her back into teal-green acid. She gasped a few more ragged breaths, then her body went still. It soon turned a discolored pink and melted apart as the monster digested her.

 

Blitzo found himself staring at the floor. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

 

“You think you can change?” asked another grinning Millie.

 

“OH SHIT!” Blitzo thought. Glowing golden arrows protruded from Millie’s body, several through her chest and one having pierced her right eye.

 

Blitzo was soon forced to watch Millie and Moxxie spinning around the Earth opera theater, battling Cletus, Collin, and Keenie. Keenie took aim and her heavenly arrow pierced Millie in the eye.

 

“Millie!” cried Moxxie.

 

Millie gasped in the air, stunned that she had been hit. Another arrow fired through her chest and several more followed. Moxxie dropped to the ground and held his wounded wife. Seven arrows had pierced her body.

 

“I…love you…Mox…” she breathed before her head flopped to the side. Moxxie bellowed in sadness and rage as he continued his attack on the cherubs.

 

“YOU KILLED MY WIFE! ANGELLIC BASTARDS!”

 

Blitzo’s eyes filled with tears as Moxxie got shot in the head and collapsed to the stage floor, a golden arrow stuck in his forehead.

 

“It’s over, demon scum!” Cletus bellowed.

 

Blitzo stood frozen in fear as all three cherubs fired golden arrows toward his face…

 

“You’re not real! Go away!” Blitzo pleaded, back in the hotel.

 

 

 

Blitzo shuddered as the alternate Millie’s closed in.

 

“You’ll never stop fucking people’s lives up,” they groaned.

 

Blitzo stared at a more recent Millie, one with a broken arm and a missing leg.

 

In a flash, he could see Striker attacking Moxxie and Millie in a cabin. Striker grinned as he put Moxxie in a chokehold. Millie in a fit of rage, stabbed him repeatedly with her knife. She leaped onto his back and tried to slice his neck, but Striker slammed her against the wooden wall, and she collapsed.

 

“Millie…” Moxxie said weakly as Striker grinned overhead.

 

Striker tossed Moxxie and Millie down the stairs and into a cellar. Millie cried out as her leg got caught in a bear trap.

 

Striker grinned. “I’d kill y’all, but I feel like there’s more leverage with your rodeo clown of a boss if I don’t! Plus you little things ain’t worth the cleanup.”

 

Moxxie raced toward the exit, but a grinning Striker slammed the doors closed.

 

Moxxie pried off the bear trap from Millie’s leg. Black blood stained the floor.

 

“Millie! Oh, Satan!”

 

“Moxxie, I’m fine,” she reassured.

 

Moxxie pounded on the doors. “I can’t break through! I’m not strong enough.”

 

“Use what you’re good at,” said Millie.

 

“Oh right!” Moxxie said. He reached for his pistol to blast a hole in the doors to escape…

 

…only it wasn’t there.

 

“No! Striker took my gun!” Moxxie cried, pulling and yanking in vain at the doors. “Blitz! Blitz! Help us out!”

 

Moxxie soon sobbed as Millie lost consciousness and died in his arms.

 

Blitzo saw himself defeating Striker and saving Stolas…but the sight of Millie’s dead body was too much.

 

“I’m done, sir,” Moxxie cried. “You could’ve saved her.”

 

“Why didn’t you save us?” moaned all the Millies.

 

The Millie wearing the beanie hat flopped up and down before him, her face distorted like a zombie. He was holding her shoulders, and black blood was pouring from her bulging yellow eyes.

 

“When was the last time you actually loved someone without hurting them?” asked the distorted Millie, flopping on the floor.

 

Blitzo hyperventilated and ran for his life. He ran down endless hallways and then, standing as a silhouette with glowing yellow eyes…

 

“MOM!” Blitzo screamed. She was tall with long black hair, a red face, and she wore a purple dress with her signature red skull-like pendant. He was now a teenager and raced to her as fast as he could. She smiled warmly at him as he jumped into her arms.

 

“Momma,” Blitzo sobbed. “I was having the worst dream.” Tilla embraced Blitzo again.

 

“This isn’t a dream,” said a distorted voice. “This is your life…and it always will be.”

 

Blitzo stepped back as green flames sparked to life along her arms. The red pendant fell into his hands, the same one he wore as a necklace every day.

 

Blitzo’s worst nightmare had come true…green flames trialed through her hair, inching closer to her face.

 

“NO! NO, NO, NO, MOM! I’M SORRY!”

 

Her face burned before him, revealing her skull and teeth. Her glowing right eye fell out into his right hand.

 

“MOM, PLEASE I’M SORRY!”

 

He grabbed at her burning skull, desperately trying to reach her…but she soon vanished in sparks and smoke. Demonic laughter rang through the halls as Blitzo darted into a bedroom and cried in a ball on the floor.

 

 

0 0 0

 

“Blitz?” Millie called. She crawled out of a vent and hopped onto the floor.

 

 

“Blitz, where are you?”

 

Millie froze and heard the sound of a door creaking open.

 

“Hello?”

 

She walked over to see Blitzo, only to find…

 

“Mox?!”

 

Moxxie had branches in his hair and a gaping bullet wound in his forehead. Black blood slowly poured from the hole in his head. His arms and legs were bent at awkward angles. Hammered-in nails protruded from his arms, chest and legs.

 

“That cursed family, those kids…they did this to me,” Moxxie cried. “And you weren’t there to save me!”

 

“What, what are you talking about?!” Millie backed away…

 

…and rammed into another Moxxie.

 

Millie screamed at the sight of Moxxie’s yellow peeling face, black empty eyes, torn black suit, and green flames dancing from the remains of his white hair.

 

“Too much of a battle-hungry brute to care for those you love?” moaned the burned Moxxie.

 

“Shut up! You ain’t real!” Millie cried.

 

“What is real? What is not?” laughed a drunken Moxxie creeping from the darkness. His eyes glowed white, his skin pink, his body giving off the appearance of melting. Parts of his flesh were torn, leaving exposed bone. “Couldn’t even save us from that fish,” groaned the melted Moxxie, swooning this way and that. “Just admit you’re weak!”

 

Millie swung her fists, trying to stand her ground as the alternate Moxxies closed in.

 

“You’ll always be the dumb farm girl, underappreciated by the rest of your imp friends…”

 

Millie seethed and backed away from another Moxxie who had golden heavenly arrows protruding from his body. “It’s obvious the angels don’t care for us either!”

 

“Stay away!”

 

“You should’ve stayed behind…should’ve stayed the obedient assassin in Wrath.”

 

Millie flinched as another Moxxie walked over to her…though he had a broken neck from being strangled by Striker.

 

“Getting into fights so much…” the Moxxie cracked his neck…

 

“…more will get hurt because of your recklessness.”

 

“BANKRUPTCY! BANKRUPTCY! BANKRUPTCY!” A more current Moxxie with bulging eyes grabbed hold of her and shook her hard. Millie shoved him off and ran for her life from the alternate Moxxie illusions.

 

She stopped against the wall to catch her breath. More demonic laughter echoed in the halls.

 

“Moxxie is safe…Moxxie is safe…” she told herself again and again. It was not very often she found herself scared to the bone.

 

She looked around. The lights flickered overhead again.

 

“I have to check on Blitz!”

 

Millie soon heard the sound of crying coming from a bedroom.

 

Millie rushed into the room. There were some old TV sets stacked on a shelf and an old bed. “Are you okay?!”

 

She ran over to Blitzo, huddled in a corner. “What happened?”

 

He whirled around. “No, no, don’t touch me!” Black mascara ran down his face. “I destroy everything, everyone I lo…” He stood up on shaking legs. “I make everyone’s lives worse!”

 

“Not mine!” Millie called. “Blitz…”

 

Blitzo crawled on the floor along the side of an old bed. He curled up and sobbed.

 

Millie sat on the flowered bedspread and looked at Blitzo.

 

“What did you see?” she asked. She held onto his hand.

 

“M-mom…my mom, she, she…”

 

Blitzo could barely get the words out. Millie pulled him onto the bed and held onto him as he trembled in her arms.

 

“She burned away…I-I couldn’t save her. It was just like that time at the circus…I lost her, my sister, my friend Fizz…”

 

Millie rubbed his head.

 

“M-maybe my father’s right…maybe I’m just a lowlife prick who ruins everyone’s lives!”

 

“Bullshit,” Millie remarked. “I bet what you saw was an illusion…”

 

“But she…she did die, in front of me! In the accident…” Blitzo hyperventilated, and Millie calmed him down for a moment. “It was so long ago…”

 

“There was nothing you could’ve done. I want you to know that you’re not a failure. Sure, you made some mistakes but look how strong you’ve gotten. Look how much ass you’ve kicked as you progressed with your business.”

 

She added. “You and Fizzarolli are closer now than before, right?”

 

“Yeah…I guess…” Blitzo said, eyes still downcast. “I still think we have a lot of catching up to do. And Barbie…and my father…they hate my guts…”

 

“Focus on one thing at a time,” Millie said. “Admitting to yourself that you have grief, that you have sadness doesn’t make you weak. It’s a way to heal. When you’re ready to talk to them, we’ll be there for support. Otherwise, I say fuck them.”

 

Blitzo choked with small laughter. “At least you still have your parents.”

 

Millie sighed and folded her arms. “Parents who don’t really support my freelance work. They still think I should be a rough tough assassin under someone else. I’m just glad I met you. In a way, you gave me a new life.”

 

Blitzo and Millie shared meaningful looks, tears welling in their eyes. They held their hands tight, finding a familiar comfort in each other’s presence.

 

“I still miss her…” Blitzo sniffed, wiping his eyes. “So fucking much!”

 

Millie looked down. “Well…let’s just hope there’s some kind of afterlife…and if not…then you won’t have to think about your grief ever again.”

 

“Jeez, Mils, really helpful there,” he said sarcastically.

 

“Sorry,” she added.

 

He spoke again after a pause.

 

“T-there’s something else…” Blitzo began, shaking. Millie listened.

 

“I saw…you…” Blitzo whimpered. “B-but you were…all dead…it was all because of me…”

 

“That ain’t true, Blitz,” Millie said. “They were only illusions.”

 

“I failed the missions, I fail at everything…”

 

“Of course you don’t,” she replied. “In fact, if it weren’t for you, we never would’ve killed those humans and made it out alive.” She gave a small smile. “Besides, where would we get our daily sense of dark humor?”

 

Blitzo smiled a bit and rolled his eyes. “Certainly not from Moxxie. He’d think his own shadow was me stalking him.”

 

Millie snickered a bit. “You’re the one who makes I.M.P. possible, Blitz. You’re the one who brought us all together.”

 

Blitzo sniffed.

 

Millie sighed.

 

“That year I spent getting to know your rag tag team and making our mark in the assassin game, it was fun. Most of my life, I bought into the idea that all I could ever be was a simple farm girl. Or best an underpaid goon. Until I met some knucklehead who never gave a fuck about what anyone else said he could or couldn’t be. He made me believe he could be anything. And that made me feel like I could be anything, too. He gave me so much…a career, a husband, a future. And now...”

 

She smiled down at Blitzo, “…he’s my best friend.”

 

“You…you don’t hate me?” Blitzo whimpered.

 

“Naw, never.”

 

Millie gave Blitzo back his pendant. “Look, what I said earlier, you’ve just always been so unbothered by everything, almost bulletproof and…”

 

They held hands.

 

“I guess I never realized how much I depended on that. I didn’t know how to react to you being reduced to…Bethany. But I should’ve always respected you like you always do for me. I’m sorry.”

 

Blitzo fumbled with his hat and took it off. “Better?”

 

“Much.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Now,” Millie hopped off the bed, fists raised. “You ready to finish this thing?”

 

Blitzo raised his own fists. “Yeah!” Then he paused. “But we still don’t even know what this thing is!”

 

“Come on, Blitz,” said Millie, following him out of the room. “What’s the only thing you know that comes to Earth and fucks with people’s minds that badly?”

 

“Probably an infestor possessor demon from Envy,” Blitzo responded.

 

“Bingo!” said Millie, snapping her fingers.

 

“So-ho, figured it out, have you?” asked a distorted voice. Millie and Blitzo looked around. They both got into fighting stances.

 

A grinning Rolando stood in the distance. The round overhead lights flickered off.

 

“A bit out of your depth, aren’t you, little ones?” he hissed. His face and body morphed into his true demonic form, a humanoid sea monster with glowing yellow eyes, sharp teeth, fin-like ears and scaly skin.

 

The lightbulbs exploded above them, and the imps ran for their lives. Rolando’s demonic laughter echoed through the darkened hall. Rolando chased after him as a grinning hovering shadow with red eyes and bony hands.

 

“Damn, our tiny fucking legs!” Blitzo panted as he sprinted as fast as he could. Sweat poured down their faces. Rolando appeared and disappeared in shadow as more lights exploded above him in yellow sparks. Rolando morphed himself into black goo, splashing and grabbing hold of Blitzo’s leg. Blitzo collapsed to the floor.

 

“You know my secret…” he hissed.

 

Millie raced over to help Blitzo but was lifted up in a chokehold by the shadowy Rolando. His eyes and grinning mouth glowed yellow. Blitzo reached out desperately to Millie.

 

“I guess you gotta die like all the reeesssttt!” Rolando hissed.

 

Millie and Blitzo were picked up by an invisible force. Blitzo screamed as he crashed through several walls and landed in the pool room. He banged his head against a column and coughed. Blitzo coughed and grunted as he sat up, holding his chest and wincing. The pool glowed an eerie green behind him.

 

A hand with three claws gripped the broken wall. Rolando grinned as he climbed through the copper pipes and into the area. His suit was now black with three white buttons on it. He wore sharp black boots. His white fin-like hair was transparent, and he wore glowing red sharp sunglasses with yellow trim. He displayed a row of sharp white teeth and a pointed chin like an undersea predator. His skin was a scaly gray.

 

He spoke distorted and demonic, “Oh this is fun!”

 

He leaped forward and kicked Blitzo hard in the face. He laughed evilly.

 

WHACK!

 

Millie responded with a high kick of her own. She sent Rolando into a nearby wall.

 

“Atta, girl, Mils!” Blitzo swung his fist. Millie grinned back at him.

 

A grinning yellow face appeared on the surface of the water behind them. Both imps turned around as Rolando rose out of the water.

 

“No, thatta bitch!” he roared. He leaped forward and nearly grabbed Millie. He bent in a wide arch before righting himself on his knee. He then raced toward Blitzo and kneed him hard in the chin. He fell to the floor as Rolando flipped into the air toward Millie. Millie leaped toward him to attack, but he sent her down with a kick.

 

Blitzo narrowly avoided Rolando’s attack…his foot left the floor cracked where Blitzo had been moments before. Millie grunted and swung out her leg again, Rolando grinned and grabbed her foot, swinging her around. He grabbed hold of Blitzo as well, tossing them both into the pool. He grinned above them as they fell through the water.

 

As quick and deadly as a shark, Rolando zoomed through the water, his natural element. He slammed into Millie, pushing her into the wall with his head. She winced at the impact. He grabbed hold of her wrist and in a flip, slammed her against the pool floor. Holding onto Millie, he grinned as he swam to attack Blitzo. He grabbed onto Blitzo’s leg and leaped out of the water.

 

Blitzo and Millie cried out as Rolando slammed them both hard to the ground. He laughed evilly again as they both groaned on the floor.

 

Millie slowly groaned as she stood up. She helped Blitzo up and they stood together on shaking legs.

 

“You call yourselves assassins!” he mocked the imps. He moved his head, and all the lightbulbs shattered, leaving the room in darkness, save for the glowing pool. An invisible force rammed into the imps, knocking them backwards. The pillars cracked and yellow sparks rained down from the broken bulbs.

 

Rolando cocked his head. He hovered off the ground and spoke in an eerie voice.

 

“Eenie, meenie, miny…”

 

Blitzo and Mille looked up with terrified looks.

 

His glowing yellow eyes widened. “…mo!”

 

Millie and Blitzo screamed as Rolando flew at them and entered through each of their heads in black goo.

 

0 0 0

 

 

Blitzo and Millie found themselves chained to chairs in an old movie theater. They both grunted and struggled to get out in vain.

 

Rolando floated out of Blitzo and grinned. He licked his neck with his long yellow-green tongue and Blitzo flinched and whimpered.

 

“Welcome to the show, asshole,” Rolando mused. Rolando flew in an arch of black goo before settling in a seat behind him. He held a bag of popcorn in his hand.

 

“I hear this one’s a real titilator.” The curtains opened. He grinned and pointed at the screen. The screen was tinted green and did the old-fashioned round “3, 2, 1,” on the screen.

 

To Blitzo’s utter horror, his own memories flashed before him. He saw the fire at Loo-Loo Land, with imps and circus horses racing for their lives. Blitzo saw himself racing to save his mother…but only managing to find her red pendant. He held it tightly in his hands.

 

He saw the angry face of his father…and cried out at the sight of his father hitting him.

 

Blitzo began to cry as he saw a memory of Fizzarolli being burned on the ground. His father glared at him as Fizzarolli rested in the hospital in the background. Blitzo tried to reach Fizzarolli, but his father blocked his path.

 

Then Blitzo remembered the times when he was mocked by Robo-Fizz, and another moment when Verosika berated him during her song at Ozzie’s.

 

He could remember how he had felt lonely and left out when Moxxie and Millie kissed each other during their missions.

 

Rolando sneered and manifested rusted chains to hold Blitzo’s horns in place. He clamped open Blitzo’s tear-filled eyes, making him watch more.

 

He saw when he had gotten into an argument with Loona at the beach during spring break. Loona shoved Blitzo to the ground on Earth after Octavia had been found. Then the awful moment when Barbie Wire yelled at Blitzo for ruining her job…screaming that she never wanted to see him again.

 

Then the scenes with Stolas…how Blitzo had pulled away when Stolas had tried to comfort him at Ozzie’s. When Stolas had left him in the van…when Stolas declared that he wanted to break up with him…Stolas giving him the Asmodean crystal as a way of saying goodbye…Stolas and Veorsika and Vortex singing about how Blitzo was a motherfucker at the Blitzo hate party on Earth…Stolas’s sad drunken face…Stolas making out with the pink male incubus, their tongues locked together…Millie berating him for his cosplay…

 

“Blitz!” Millie strained in her chair next to him. “Snap out of it!”

 

“Silence, bitch!” Rolando snapped. “Don’t try to ruin our little fun…you’re next!”

 

“We’ll get out of this mess, Blitz!” Millie strained against the chains.

 

Rolando flew toward Millie. “Oh, the filthy little Wrathian wants to help!”

 

Rolando licked her neck as well. “You can’t help anyone, you’re just the muscle, remember?”

 

The screen shifted and soon Millie’s memories began to play on screen. Millie gasped as she saw the disapproving looks from her parents after she had told them she was going freelance.

 

Then she saw the stern face of her overlord from her first job…a heavyset imp with a broad ax and spines along his back. He had told her to kill twenty rogue demons before several coworkers by the end of the day…the assassins who failed would be killed in front of them. Millie had been grateful to have survived the ordeal.

 

“Fighting is all you and your imp kind are good for. You said it yourself.”

 

Millie flinched in disgust at the sight of Chaz’s arrogant face…the shark teen bragging about himself and rubbing himself on top of her. Rolando snickered in the background.

 

“Let us go, asshole!” Millie hollered.

 

“I’m in your minds, bitches!” he called to the straining imps. “I see everything. Every thought, every opinion and boy…”

 

He grinned. “…you both have nasty shit to say about the other…”

 

“Don’t listen to him,” called Millie.

 

Blitzo paused. “Hey, I don’t see my memories anym…”

 

Rolando morphed back near Blitzo, and his memories played across the screen again.

 

“NO! STOP!” Blitzo screamed, tears running down.

 

“Your level of insecurity is intoxicating,” Rolando purred. “I can’t wait to see how you taste when you drive away the one person left who puts up with your bullshit.”

 

Rolando laughed. “Blitzo thinks you’re a brute, Millie! Too stupid to do anything but kill!”

 

“That’s not true!” Millie protested.

 

“You never should’ve left the farm! You’re nothing but a backwards, filthy, inbred, lowborn fucking hick!”

 

Millie rolled her eyes. “Ya done?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Rolando paused then grinned. “Oh no. I’m just getting started, my dear.”

 

Rolando spoke to both of them. “Nobody cares about you guys or what you want. They’re too caught up in their own misery to even remember you exist. Especially you, girl.”

 

“Now look here, combover,” Millie glared. “You may think you know everything, but you missed two. One, your words don’t mean shit to me and two…Blitz can handle this!”

 

“Can he now? Can you?”

 

Rolando grinned as Blitzo’s memories played.

 

“It would be a shame if you two decided to take…a little swim with me…”

 

Millie and Blitzo’s possessed bodies stood up, both eyes glowing blank yellow. Rolando moved back and forth from Millie to Blitzo. Their bodies inched slowly toward the pool, robotic in motion. Millie sat near the edge of the pool as her memories played. When Rolando moved back to Blitzo, Blitzo’s body dropped down into the water like a rock.

 

Blitzo and Millie gasped in horror.

 

Millie then realized her memories weren’t on screen. “Blitz! He can only possess us fully one at a time!”

 

Blitzo’s eyes widened then he winked.

 

“Blitz can handle this!” Millie said again.

 

“Oh no he can’t!” Rolando countered, getting closer to Blitzo. “He’ll be swimming with the fishes before long!”

 

Blitzo felt himself gasping for breath and Rolando laughed. Blitzo’s memories were starting to go dark.

 

With Rolando distracted, Millie used her strength to slowly break free of her chains.

 

“You’re wrong. So buckle up, buttercup!” Millie spat at Rolando.

 

When Rolando got too close, Mille whirled around and slapped Rolando in the face with a free hand. The impact caused Rolando to lose his grip on Millie’s body. He smacked her in the head, and she winced.

 

“Just wait until I finish off your pathetic little boss friend!”

 

He moved toward Blitzo, sinking his body further.

 

Millie closed her eyes, and the pool room slowly came back into focus.

 

“Come on, come on, come on, come on…”

 

Millie shook herself awake and saw a drowning figure in the water.

 

“Blitz!”

 

She dove in and pulled him up. Rolando used Blitzo to try and drag her back in, but Millie slipped out of his grip and raced onto the deck.

 

“Come and get me, fishbrain!” called Millie.

 

Possessed Blitzo growled.

 

The possessed Blitzo climbed out of the water and attacked her with his fists, which she blocked. He wrapped her with his tail, shoving her aside. Millie dodged his foot as he flipped over. Rolando grabbed her arm and spun her around. He spun her in a dance then knocked his head into her. He then tossed her over the pool and onto the other side. Rolando swam through the water and leaped out with a splash at Millie.

 

He lifted her up and slammed her into a pillar, which cracked on impact. He spun in a loop around another pillar and aimed his feet at her. She moved back and dodged his landing. She then dodged every one of his fists.

 

Millie then grinned and swooped her foot under his, sending him to the floor. Millie then gripped both his arms from behind.

 

“Like I said, combover, your words don’t mean shit to me!” Millie smirked. She punched him in the face and tossed him into a wall. Rolando was then punched and beaten rapidly by Millie’s fury of punches to his face and gut. The wall cracked from behind him. Rolando cried out, spitting black blood.

 

“This is what you get for messing with my friend!” Millie hollered. She grunted and with her strength, she slammed him against the floor. Rolando turned around…

 

WHAM!

 

Millie finished him off with a roundhouse kick to the chin. He collapsed, Blitzo’s head hanging partially in the water. Blitzo’s mouth opened, and Rolando flew out from his mouth in a black gooey shadow.

 

Blitzo slowly blinked and sat up, rubbing his head. “Ugh, good work, Mils.”

 

“Oh-ho!” Blitzo cried out as Millie punched him in the face. “AH FUCK, IT’S ME!”

 

Millie covered her mouth. “Oh! Shit! Sorry!” She chuckled, bending down. “It’s good to have you back, boss.”

 

Rolando hoisted himself up, dripping wet on the floor.

 

“You little ass plugs are done for! You’re dead, Bethany!”

 

“Well, that’s where you’re wrong,” Blitzo said, walking over to him, holding his device. “I ain’t Bethany Ghostfucker…”

 

He spoke with newfound confidence, “Tonight I’m Blitz, DEMON-DICKER!”

 

Blitzo yelled and slapped Rolando with his device. He fell into the pool.

 

Rolando lifted up his head. He shrugged his shoulders, putting out his hands as if to say “What the fuck? I’m in my natural element.”

 

Blitzo then kicked his ghostfucker device into the water.

 

The device sank into the water and electricity sparked and zigzagged across the surface. Rolando realized too late that he was in danger.

 

The fish screamed in agony as he was fried by the electricity. His glasses exploded and his yellow eyes melted as black blood gushed out from them. His screams turned distorted. His body and head sank to the bottom.

 

Blitzo raised his fist in triumph. “AAANNND THAT’S HOW YOU GET GHOSTFUCKED!”

 

Millie embraced Blitzo. “Let’s go home.”

 

Blitzo grinned and kicked open the doors. “Yeah, fuck hotels.”

 

A nearby portrait of Charie Morningstar heard Blitzo’s remark and glared as they exited.

 

0 0 0

 

 

The sun set at the cemetery as Blitzo and Millie arrived outside after the fight. They shoved their equipment into the back of the van, trying to close the doors.

 

Blitzo grinned at Millie. “So, I’m your best friend, huh?”

 

“What do you think?” she asked with a smile.

 

“I think…” Blitzo began, then his face fell. “I-I’ve never had a real friend that I didn’t wanna fuck.”

 

Millie smiled and folded her arms. “That mean you’re not gonna try to be our third anymore?”

 

“No,” Blitzo answered, sadly. “Not anymore.” Even spying on his coworkers and trying to get intimate with them didn’t sound appealing like it had before many months ago. He was mentally scarred and exhausted after what had happened. Blitzo hopped up on top of the van and sat down.

 

‘That’s very unusual for him,’ Millie thought, looking up with concern at her friend.

 

She leaped onto the van roof and sat beside him.

 

“The bird got to you that bad, huh?”

 

“I guess.”

 

Millie did a small smile, trying to cheer him up. “Sooo, you gonna keep stalking us all the time?” She winked playfully.

 

Blitzo smiled back. “Well, you know your husband is still a little fuckable.”

 

Millie chuckled. “Yeah, he is. I hope he’s doing okay.”

 

 

Meanwhile back at I.M.P. Headquarters, sweat beaded Moxxie’s face as he wrote down the last of the math formulas on a piece of paper, a pencil in his left hand.

 

Moxxie then paused, dropping the pencil. “I did it?” He beamed, eyes wide, clutching the paper. “I did it!” He stood up, crying happy tears. “I finally figured it out!”

 

Loona interrupted Moxxie’s joyous moment. “You uh…you forgot to carry the two there,” she said, pointing.

 

A distraught Moxxie poured some gasoline oil all over the stacks of papers, intending to light all the mistakes on fire and forget this ever happened. A Mammon logo was on the oil tank.

 

Loona narrowed her eyes and picked up the imp. She set him down on the floor, covering him with a lavender blanket and putting a bowl of ice cream in front of him with a cherry on top.

 

‘Now I can see why Blitz shut himself in,’ he thought.

 

The TV was on, and “Ghost Fuckers” appeared in red dripping letters.

 

“Now back to Ghost Fuckers…”

 

Moxxie rolled his eyes…

 

“…THE MUSICAAAL!” appeared in large orange and brown letters decorated with theater lights on them.

 

Moxxie sat up and gasped…eyes wide with excitement.

 

Sexy songs began to play…Moxxie found himself singing along with Bethany.

 

“I’ve got longing and desire

My heart burns with forbidden fire

For a spooky

A spooky kind of love

 

(Ooh, la-la, ooh) Nobody tries to understand it

(Ooh, la-la, ooh) But I can feel my soul demand it

(Ooh, la-la, ooh-ooh) A spooky

A spooky kind of love (love, la, la, la, la)

 

And I don’t care (I don’t care)

What they say about me

I don’t care (I don’t care)

I just gotta be free

 

To run, run, run, run run

Free to run, run, run, run, run

Free to run, run, run, run, run

Free to run, run, run, run into the arms of

 

A spooky

A spooky kind of love (A spooky; to run, run, run, run, run)

A spooky kind of love (A spooky; to run, run, run, run, run)

A spooky kind of love.”

 

The next porn song played.

 

“Bethany! This is it!” called a male character. “Let the spirits fill you!”

 

Bethany Ghostfucker then sang. “Oh my God, I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna fuck a ghost!”

 

“My spirit box is humming hot

Drippin’ down my thigh

The portal gapes, my body aches

C’mon ghost, give me a try

I’m ready

I wanna fuck a ghost.”

 

“Bethany,” said the man. “The spectrometer’s going crazy. This ghost has a huge dead dick energy!”

 

“Hot!” Bethany exclaimed.

 

“You can take me from beyond

Lemme taste your ectoplasm

I want the dick no one gets

Make me polter-gasm

I’m ready

I wanna fuck a ghost

 

(“She’s ready, she wants to fuck a ghost!”)

 

“’Cause we’re ghostfuckers,”

 

Bethany and the crew sang “We love fuckin’ ghosts, yeah, we’re ghostfuckers!”

 

Bethany added, “They’re really dead, and we’re really horny.

 

No silly laws of God or man (Oh-oh, ooh)

Can keep us from our sexy plan (Oh-oh, ooh-ohh)

To slicking up a spectral slut (Ah, ah)

 

She and the crew sang, “We can’t wait to ghost-bust a nut!”

 

Bethany sang, “I’m ready, I wanna fuck a ghost”

 

(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh)

 

“Yeah, I do, I’m ready (“Yeah, she’s ready”)

“Yeah, I wanna fuck a… (“She wants to fuck a ghost”)

Yeah, I wanna fuck a… (“She wants to fuck a…”)

I wanna fuck a… (“She wants to fuck a…”)

Yeah, I wanna fuck a… (“Yeah, she wants to fuck a…”)

Oh, I wanna fuck a… (“Oh, she wants to fuck a…”)

Yeah, I wanna fuck a… (“Yeah, she wants to fuck a…”)

 

Bethany reached her climax. “OH GOD! Oh my God, that was way too cold, I totally regret it…but hot!”

 

(“Oh yeah, she fucked a ghost!”)

 

The last of the pool water drained away. There sprawled on the pool floor was a bloated body of a monstrous aquatic creature. Its yellow eyes gazed blankly into space and his mouth of sharp teeth was open in a permanent scream. It had transparent white fin-like hair and wore a dark suit that had been torn and charred by electricity. The pool floor was stained with black blood and black goo. The dead Rolando.