A white pool ball
clacked into a pile of other green balls on a pool table. A green-skinned demon
with yellow eyes and wearing a brown hat and trench coat stood up to watch. In
the background sat a pink-skinned male demon with long black hair, horns, pink
eyes and a worn black shirt sitting with another green demon. They had mugs of
drinks in front of them. In glowing neon orange letters, “Beelzejuice” was
advertised on a wall along with a palm tree, “BOOZE,” a spilled yellow bottle,
and a fish skeleton. There were darts in a nearby target on the wall. A female
demon with a tan heart-shaped face stood by the pool table. She had red eyes,
black hair, green diamond earrings, red pants, and a black shirt.
Assassin Millie sat
alone at the bar, a mug in her hand. She wore dark pants, thick black boots,
black fingerless gloves, a black collar, blue pants, and a short-cut maroon-red
jacket. Her hair was done in a thick black ponytail. A guitar strummed in the
background. She took a sip of her drink just as the door opened.
Blitzo entered, his eyes
glowing yellow. Millie could sense him walking closer, his horned shadow moving
along the floor. She glanced over and glared.
Blitzo sat next to her,
his hands folded on the table. His pointed tail swayed threateningly. He wore a
black undershirt with a dark green jacket over it and black and white
fingerless gloves. He had light blue pants and tall black boots with red trim
and points.
“Sooo,” he began. “You the bitch that took our
hit?”
“You lookin’ for
payback?” Millie asked. “If so, you came to the wrong fucking BAR!”
Her pointed tail reached
for her hidden knife by her side. She spun the knife in the air with her tail
before grabbing it with her hand. It was black with red trim and incredibly
sharp. Blitzo could see his startled reflection in it.
Millie leaped out of her
chair and flipped through the air. She threw her knife in Blitzo’s direction.
“Who-oh!”
Blitzo narrowly dodged
it, using his wooden chair to block it. The knife was stuck into the chair.
Blitzo turned around with an impressed grin. “Ni-ice shot!”
Blitzo took out the
knife with his tail and twirled it. “I can see why Moxxie was so impressed with
you.”
Millie growled and stood
up, her fists clenched.
Millie snorted and raced
forward to attack. She landed several punches and Blitzo used the chair to
block them.
“Huh-oh! Impressive!” Blitzo
remarked as Millie broke the chair with her fists. One of the chair legs hit a
green demon who was eating spaghetti with a purple demon.
“Who’s that?” Millie
asked. “Your boss? Hah!”
Millie landed a kick and
shattered the chair completely. Blitzo was sent backwards into a table. “Ow!” A
yellow demon with orange eyes and a gray demon with purple eyes sat and
watched. Blitzo held two broken chair legs in his hands, and he dropped them. “Ha!
He fucking wishes!” Blitzo proudly pointed at himself. “No, I work for myself,
lady.”
In response, Millie did
a flip in the air, smashing the table and causing the demons to scatter away.
“Nice one!” Blitzo called
as he moved away from Millie.
Millie knocked out a
yellow demon. “Bullshit! Who sent you?”
Blitzo backed into the
bar and the heavyset bartender backed away.
Blitzo flipped backward
onto the table, avoiding her punches.
Millie shoved a demon
out of the way. “Who are you working for?!”
Blitzo flipped off the
table. “What? You don’t believe me?”
“Imps don’t work for
themselves, asshole,” Millie scoffed.
She took out a golden
knife from her hair and charged at Blitzo. He swerved out of the way. Blitzo
slammed her into a pillar and elbowed her in the face. “Well, this one does,
and he’s very interested in having you join his team.”
Millie grunted and
climbed up the wall before flipping over Blitzo.
“You think you have
anything to offer me?”
Blitzo winced as Millie
punched him in the jaw. He grinned as he wiped black blood from his nose.
Millie grinned and rushed over to him.
“Double whatever you’re
getting paid now!” Blitzo declared, blocking her fists with his wrists.
“Ha ha!” Blitzo grinned
as he used his tail to grab Millie’s leg and swing her across the room.
Millie balanced on the
wall and grabbed a handful of darts. “I’m between jobs. HAH!”
She threw them at him.
Blitzo jumped out of the way, resulting in the darts hitting the bartender who
collapsed.
Blitzo flipped again and
landed on a pool table. He looked at Millie. “Huh. This powerhouse. How’d that
happen?”
“Not exactly a shortage
of imp assassins in Wrath,” Millie muttered. “Reputation is everything.”
“And what’s your
reputation, hmm?” Blitzo asked.
Millie grunted and swung
at Blitzo with a pool stick. He flipped to the other side. He broke the stick
with a high knee jerk. Millie jabbed the sticks at his head, and he dodged.
Blitzo swung his foot, and she ducked. He leaped over Millie before she stood could
smack him with her foot. Blitzo flipped again and pulled back the pool table.
They both tumbled off and landed on the floor.
Blitzo and Millie slid
into position, and both stood up. Millie had never fought anyone this skilled before…and
persistent.
“Who the fuck are you?”
Blitzo put his fists on
his hips. “Someone with an eye for potential. Now you wanna keep working for
peanuts…”
He held out his hand…
“…or do you wanna shake
things up?”
Millie held out her hand…only
to toss a knife rapidly in his direction.
Blitzo didn’t even
flinch as the knife was embedded into the wall. He continued to grin as black
blood dropped from the cut on his cheek.
Millie was impressed with
his unfailing courage.
Millie facepalmed and chuckled.
“You’re fucking weird. I’m in.”
They both shook hands.
“So, who’s that Moxxie
guy you mentioned?”
Blitzo ruffled her hair
playfully and put an arm around her shoulder. “Oh, your new coworker. Yeah, you…you’ll
fucking hate him.”
The other demons groaned
on the floor as the imps went out the door.
Later, Millie flipped
onto the roof and beamed at Moxxie and Loona. Sweat beaded Moxxie’s face and he
blushed when she shook his hand. It was love at first sight. Loona stood
unamused with a phone in her hand, torn gray shorts, a blue shirt with a white crescent
moon on it, and gray streaks in her white mane of long hair.
Millie laughed as she
took a large double-bladed black axe from Blitzo and followed him.
On the I.M.P. building,
a banner read “Office Space For Lease! Call 555-RENT for details. Cheryl, if
you see this, please come back, she meant nothing to me, I’m sorry.”
Blitzo stood by the
office door. “Welcome to I.M.P.!” The door opened.
Millie gasped in disbelief.
“Holy shit!” There was a gaping hole in the ceiling and a bucket to hold drops
of water from a leak. Packed boxes were everywhere. Electric eels swam in a
fish tank.
“Sir, what is this?”
Moxxie asked.
Blitzo patted Stolas’ grimoire
in his hands.
“This baby right here is
our future, ‘kay? So I figured we deserve an upgrade, right? New clients, new office,
new Ring. Go on, check it out!”
Millie stood perplexed by
the doorway as Loona and Moxxie explored.
Blitzo glared at Millie,
hands on his hips. “What? Not nice enough for you? I did the fucking best I
could.”
Millie looked around, moving
her hand on the door. “We…heh…we don’t deserve this.”
“Huh?”
“We’re just Wrathian’s
Blitz. Muscle. It’s all we’re good for. All I’m good for.” She looked off to
the side. “It’s why you hired me. Any demon good at making a buck is welcome in
Lust or Greed, but here in Pride? Demons like us ain’t cut out for this. When a
goon fails their mission set by their overlord, they are easily replaced. It’s endless
competition.”
“Ummm, fuck you,” Blitzo
dismissed.
“What?!”
“Millie, I’ve spent too
much of my time, energy, and holes into setting this up for us to entertain
your bullshit. I brought you into this company for a reason, okay? You’re
tougher, smarter, and frankly more capable than anyone I’ve ever met in any
Ring.”
Millie tried not to cry.
He put a comforting hand
on her shoulder. “And I’m more fuckable and business savvy than any succu-bitch
alive! Loona’s perfect and Moxxie’s…”
He rolled his eyes as he
watched Moxxie admire the eels.
“…probably got some good
traits too and I’m sure we’ll figure them out eventually. The point is, if we
can’t make it here, then…then no one deserves to, right?”
He pulled her close and
led her to his office. “’Kay, so stop killing my buzz and come on, I wanna show
you my office!” Millie smiled at her new friend.
Millie grinned from her
window at the new I.M.P. building. She and Moxxie watched as Blitzo tossed a grenade
at a demon, splattering blood everywhere. She followed him as they climbed up a
building with rope together. She grinned as she and Blitzo fired their guns on
Earth. Moxxie stood in the background by a “Western Ski Restaurant” sign.
Blitzo sped in his van and Millie posed with her axe. She happily leaped into
the air, the sun reflecting on her and she landed on the ground and beheaded a
human man. She happily posed before Blitzo came over, shoved Moxxie aside, and
embraced her. The two of them laughed as Moxxie and Loona looked on.
Millie had found a place
where she felt like she had a new family…a place where she belonged.
0 0 0 0 0 0
The sky glowed a crimson
red over the towering structure of the I.M.P. office building. Millie hummed
happily as she carried a tray of drinks toward the door. On the door read “SUCC
INC FLOORS: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,” and “IMP FLOOR 5.” Millie took the
elevator to the fifth floor and carried the tray. The drinks had the imps’
names spelled wrong: “Luna,” “Blit3” and “Foxxie.” Loona’s drink had a dog bone
in it.
“Howdy, mister!” Millie
greeted as she passed a tall pink incubus wearing a shirt with a heart-shaped
hole in the back. He was beside a pink-skinned succubus with wavy brown hair,
wearing torn white shorts and holding papers.
“Fine mornin’!” Millie
smiled at a tall succubus with long purple hair, a teal high-cut shirt, tall
boots and upside down black cross earrings. She smiled at two succubi standing
by a water cooler near the entrance to Verosika Mayday’s studio. One wore a red
skirt and a black bra-like top and the other wore long dark red pants and a
short purple shirt. Across from Verosika’s office was the I.M.P. office.
“I.M.P. Headquarters” was painted red on the door window.
Millie spun around as
she kicked open the door. “Another day in paradise!”
Millie froze as she
spotted an exhausted, disheveled Loona standing in the middle of the office.
She was surrounded by boxes and held a stuffed owl over a fire burning in a
metal barrel.
“Oh shit, it’s morning,”
Loona groaned as she dropped the owl into the flames.
“Uh, yeah,” Millie
remarked, closing the door. “Have you been here all night?” She cocked her
head. “And what are you doing?”
Loona took the tray. “Blitz
bought two hundred taxidermy owls, then said I couldn’t go home until I burned…”
She whispered, her red
eyes widening with distress… “…all of them.”
She dumped all the
drinks into her mouth, then slouched some more.
Millie heard a knock on
the door. She opened it and there was Wally Wackford. He was dressed as a
delivery guy with orange shorts, a white shirt with yellow spots, a yellow hat
and a black cane in his hand.
“Hey!” he called. “I got
an order here for a hundred more waaacky owls!”
He handed Loona his
clipboard with papers on it. “Fuuuuuck,” she groaned.
Wally Wackford peered
in. “Hey! I haven’t seen you guys in a while, heh! Do you like, wanna hang out
some…”
Millie cut him off by
slamming the door in his face.
“Okay! That answers
that, I say, I say!” Wally Wackford called from behind the door.
Loona handed the
clipboard to Millie, who flipped through it.
“Blitz is still
sulking?” She tossed the clipboard to the side, hands on her hips. “It’s been
over a month. And where is Moxxie? He didn’t come home last night.”
Millie heard a loud
screeching coming from the other room. She burst into the room, fangs barred
and ready to attack. She paused when she saw a distressed Moxxie.
“Honey?” she asked. “You
okaaay?”
“I’m stuck in a math
nightmare!” cried Moxxie, clenching two pieces of paper. He hyperventilated on
top of the desk, looking at charts and diagrams on the board. “The numbers, the
numbers! I can’t make them add up! We’re FUCKED!”
Moxxie buried his face
in the papers and sobbed. On the board were papers marked with red stamps
labeled “PAST DUE,” “UNPAID,” and “FINAL NOTICE.”
“Come on, baby,” Millie
encouraged, putting a hand on his shoulder. “It can’t be that bad.”
Moxxie whirled around.
“He drained our pension and used it to buy THESE!”
He mentioned to a box
full of plates which had pictures of brown horses on them with their tongues
sticking out.
“Damn,” Millie said,
worried. “I’ve never seen him in such bad shape.”
Moxxie frantically
grabbed Millie’s cheeks “Bad? Bad?! This isn’t bad! This is just a FINANCIAL
APOCALYPSE!” He waved his arms and papers fell to the floor.
“I usually just give him
space to work his shit out, but…” Millie pondered, rubbing her fingers
together. “You think I should talk to him?”
Moxxie’s yellow eye
twitched. “We’re gonna get audited, we’re gonna be evicted, we’re going
BANKRUPT! Our lives are over, Millie, all my hard work gone in a flash!” He
curled up into a ball on the floor and cried, holding a paper with a bar graph
on it. “Oooh, I should’ve been a theater critic, I have objectively correct
opinions,” he mentioned. “We’re…we’re gonna default…and you know what, it’s not
my fault we’re gonna default…it’s HIS FAULT!”
“Loona, I need my piss
bucket NOW!” Blitzo’s voice demanded from another room.
Blitzo lounged on a
bunch of purple pillows and blankets in his office. He squirted gold “Whip Me!”
cheese whiz into his mouth and ate from a “Cryers Carolina Reaper” ice cream
container with an image of a crying eye with black tears on the box. He scooped
ice cream onto his spoon, poured cheese whiz on top and stuffed it into his
mouth.
On a large old TV, a
woman with long blond hair did a seductive pose in an old room. She wore a
black witch hat with a red ghost design on the black belt on top. She wore high
heel black boots and pants of red and white with red on the bottom and white on
top. She wore a black dress top with black thread-like designs along the
bottom. Her top had red hand marks on her breasts and stomach. She carried a
vacuum-like device similar to the ones used by the crew in Ghostbusters.
Bethany Ghostfucker
strut into the room. “Oh, ooh, okay, I’m getting a real sexy energy from this
room!” She moved her body and the device around. “Oh, there is definitely a
fuckable spirit here!” She wiggled her butt.
“Yeah, get that spooky
ghoul cock, bitch,” smirked Blitzo.
“Blitz!” Millie called
from the other side of the door.
“GO AWAY!” he yelled.
His door was covered
with crisscrossing chains and a note that read “FUK OF.”
“I’m comin’ in!” Millie
declared.
“Read the chains!”
Blitzo fired back.
Millie simply opened the
door and maneuvered through the chains. She went over and turned off the TV.
“Blitz, what are you
doing? You’ve been in here watching this Earth trash forever.”
Blitzo thrust his spoon
forward. “I’M COPING!”
“Yeeaah, well…” Millie
was trying to explain. “You’ve ‘coped’ away every dollar we had.”
She sat next to him.
“Those plates are
collectables, Millie,” Blitzo said, bending his spoon. “I’m gonna sell ‘em next
year for three times as much and then I’ll have something to show for it when
they things I care about vanish.” He flicked his spoon away and it stuck into a
cardboard flap of a box. The TV remote was wrapped in his tail.
“Mmmkay…” Millie began. She
elbowed him playfully. “My mama always said, the best way to deal with being
sad is the sweat and blood of hard work. Washes the tears right off.”
Blitzo rolled his eyes. “I
don’t need any of your ‘folksy-doksy’ fucking country wisdom, Millie. I need to
watch the Ghostfuckers get dicked down by a disembodied spirit and eat my
feelings til’ I die from a heart attack or diabetes, whichever pops open my
heart first!”
He leaned forward and
stuffed his face full of cheese whiz he poured into the container. The rest of
the block of ice cream hung from his mouth.
“I don’t get it, Blitz,”
Millie said. “All this over a breakup?”
Blitzo swallowed the
block of ice cream. “IT WAS NOT A BREAKUP! You need a relationship for one of
those and we never had that.”
He looked downcast and
sniffed. “And we never will.”
“Ohhh, Blitz…” Millie
began, concerned for her friend.
Just then, Blitzo’s
office phone rang. Blitzo pushed a button with his finger. “What?!”
From the other room,
Loona mentioned, “We have a client.”
“Tell them to FUCK OFF!”
Blitzo yelled in annoyance.
“Don’t!” Millie
screamed, slamming her hand on the button. “I’ll be right there.”
Millie came into the
main room. Loona stood bored as a former human psychic babbled on: Rita. She
had lavender skin, big magenta eyes, golden horns, lime green puffy hair, a bob
of blond hair, and little magenta chains holding up her large round glasses. Her
nails were long, sharp and yellow. She wore a gold collar with pink diamond
gems on it, a long sleeve dark purple top, and long magenta pants. She also
carried a purse with a pink eye design over her shoulder. Her head was
disembodied, hovering a few inches. She also had a fluffy green tail with
yellow diamonds on it.
“You know my psychic
told me I’d be going somewhere bad on Wednesday. I thought she meant Baltimore.
I didn’t think it was HELL!” She slammed her hand in frustration.
Loona nodded, unamused.
“Mhm, mhm, interesting.” Loona picked up Millie and moved her in front of the
client. “Oh look! Someone whose job it is to listen to you!”
Millie glared at Loona
before turning to Rita. “What’s going on?”
“Okaaay! From the top.”
She posed on a box. “I went for my usual tarot reading last week, and my
psychic showed me the Death card and the Devil card when I asked where I should
travel next. I travel around to give live readings to people. She was all like,
‘Be careful where you stay, there’s a good chance of a grisly end.’ ‘Your enemy
is of the water.’ Whatever that meant. And last of all, ‘Don’t lose your
head.’”
Rita briefly moved her
hovering head with her hands, then put it back over her nonexistent neck with a
glare. “You can see how well THAT turned out. Anyway, I was staying in this one-star
hotel by a cemetery…figured I could brush up on my psychic skills talking to
ghosts…”
Loona yawned.
“Ghosts don’t exist,”
Millie folded her arms.
“Oh yes they do,” Rita
explained. “You only hear about human souls going to Hell or Heaven but never
about those that stay on Earth. So yesterday I was killed by the evil ghost
haunting the spooky hotel. I felt a horrible pain in my neck, and it all went
black. Now I’m here.”
Millie scoffed. “Ma’am,
I don’t know how to tell you this…again, but, when humans die, they either end
up here, or up there…”
“You’ve never stayed on
Earth,” Rita replied. “I have seen ghosts there with my psychic eye…it was just
plain bad karma that I ended down here.”
“How so…besides being
killed?” Millie asked.
Rita looked around
nervously. “I may have…once or twice…conned some people online…raising my
prices and scaring anyone I didn’t like with non-existent death prophecies…”
“Weirdo hippie,” Loona
muttered.
“I’m telling you, ghosts
DO exist!” said Rita.
“Millie’s telling you
ghosts aren’t real, lady!” Loona barked.
Blitzo then burst out of
his office, the door smashing apart. A flashing red light fell to the floor
under the door. “GHOST?! I HEARD GHOST! Where’s the ghost I can fuck…er, hunt?”
Millie waved her hand.
“Blitz, calm down! Someone killed this lady, but it wasn’t…”
“Millie!” Blitzo leaned
close to her face. “Let. Me. Have. This.”
“But…”
Blitzo held up a punch
card labeled “UNCONDITUINAL SUPPORT :) Free, Blitzo has to leave M and M alone
for one date.” The last space was an upside-down pentagram star.
Millie sighed and
punched the last hole in the card with her knife. Blitzo put an arm around Rita
and they walked out of the office. “Alright,” he said, “So tell me what it
looked like, starting with its hotness and tightness. How many-how many abs
would you say you witnessed?”
Loona snored and a snot
bubble appeared under her nose. Millie grinned at Loona.
“Well. At least he’s out
of his office!”
The bubble popped,
startling Loona awake.
A short time later,
Loona leaned against the entrance of I.M.P. headquarters. Millie pulled out a
box labeled “GOST FOKRS SHIT!”
“I don’t know if this is
a good idea,” Loona mentioned.
“He’ll be fine,” Millie
remarked. “We’ll check the place out, see what passes on Earth for creepy, and
Blitz will get all this out of his system.”
She turned to Loona.
“You just need to keep an eye on Moxxie, he’s a little…”
She glanced upward at
Moxxie who was inside banging his head against the glass window and yelling,
“BANKRUPTCY! BANKRUPTCY! BANKRUPTCY!” He tore off his shirt.
“…upsetti,” she
finished.
Loona put her hand on
her hip. “I don’t take orders from you, grandma.”
“Look,” pleaded Millie,
“I can’t keep both of them out of trouble at the same time. I need your help.”
Loona folded her arms.
This was perhaps the first time she felt truly needed by someone.
“Please?” Millie asked.
Blitzo pulled up in the
I.M.P. van. The back was spray-painted with “GHOSTFUCKERS” in purple letters
against teal. The ghosts were painted pink, flying near a haunted house
silhouette. One pink ghost grinned with two guns in its hands. The back
circular part of the van had an upside-down red pentagram on it.
“Get in loser,” Blitzo
grinned at Millie. “We’re going ghost fuckin’!”
Millie lifted up the box
and put it in the back of the van. She held the sliding door and looked back at
Loona.
Loona scoffed. “Ugh!
Fine! I’ll watch the nerd. But you’re the one cleaning off the van!”
“Thanks, Loona.” Millie
said with a small appreciative smile.
Loona’s heart warmed at
the nice words of her friend…
“Don’t get used to it!”
she yelled back at Millie.
Millie slid to the front
in the seat next to Blitzo, pulling on her seatbelt. Blitzo rubbed his Asmodean
crystal on his wrist, and a pink diamond-shaped portal opened before them.
“Let’s gape this hole
wide open!” Blitzo declared happily, pulling down the clutch and grabbing the
steering wheel.
Blitzo grinned and hit
the gas.
The van sped through the
opening…
…crashing into a
tombstone and a skeleton on Earth.
“We’re here,” Blitzo
groaned.
Millie stumbled out of
the van, rubbing her head.
Blitzo got out and
looked around. “Huh, interesting. Aren’t we supposed to be at a haunted hotel?”
The answer appeared
before him. “One Star Wonder” glowed in orange atop an old tall hotel building
covered with spider webs. Lightning flashed on either side of the place. The
hotel was surrounded by dead trees, black iron fences and more graves.
Blitzo chuckled, rubbing
his hands together. “Oh-ho yeah, this place is gonna be ripe with fuckable
spirits! I gotta get a reading.”
Blitzo rummaged through
the box of supplies. “Look, Blitz,” said Millie, “I know this is fun and all,
but, come back to reality. You do know ghosts aren’t real, right?”
Blitzo shined a
flashlight near his face. “But they are.”
Millie facepalmed. “Oh
my fucking Satan.”
Blitzo smirked as he
carried a Ghostbuster-like device with a vacuum and a pink dildo-shaped remote.
“What is that?” Millie
asked.
“You like it? It’s
Bethany Ghostfucker’s ghost sucker, nine thousand! Sure to get you a ghost
after a ghost gets you…off! Only set me back a couple thousand.”
“A couple what?!” Millie
fumed and tossed a bone at him. “You haven’t paid me in a month!”
Blitzo sucked the bone
into the device. “Uh oh! Looks like it sucked all the fun outta you!” He
briefly sucked her cheek with the vacuum. He shoved clothes into her arms: a
black “staff” tank top, dark blue pants with a chain along the pocket, and a
purple beanie hat with a yellow ghost frown face on the top.
“Now hurry up and put
these on, these ghosts aren’t gonna fuck themselves.”
Millie took an angry
deep breath, pulling on the shirt. “He needs this…he needs this…he needs this…”
Blitzo posed in his
Bethany Ghostfucker costume: black boots, a blue-gray top with black threads on
the bottom, red and white pants, a black witch hat with a pink inner rim, a red
ghost pin on his hat, and a blonde wig with a braid.
Blitzo pushed open the
doors and grinned as lightning flashed behind him. He happily waved to an
unamused Millie, who held a black video camera.
They entered the lobby.
The carpeted floor was red and decorated with eyes. Spiderwebs lined the old
orange couches and the worn wooden walls. A dead plant sat on a round white
table. There were overhead lights with extended round lights shaped like bubbles.
Blitzo aimed his remote
at a man behind a desk, and he lowered it with his fingers. The gaunt man had
white skin, a bald head save for a few strands of blond hair, and heavy
sunglasses tinted dark yellow. He wore a gray shirt and a red vest over it. He
had thin black mustache hairs near his nose. A blue door behind him had a sign
with a skull on it that read “Staff only.”
“Welcome to the One Star
Wonder where it’s a wonder we still have that star.” He cracked his head to the
side. “How may I help you today?”
Blitzo spoke in a valley
girl accent. “We’re filming a very special episode of my hit show and we’re
gonna need access to every room in this dump.”
He held out a card to Rolando.
“Christ, you Hollywood
assholes are pushy little pricks,” he seethed, taking the card. “I can’t just
give you the keys to every ba...”
He read the card:
“BATHINEE GOZTFUKR, I’M FAMOS, (this is a real I.D.).” There was a dick drawing
on it and a crude drawing of the actress.
He held up the card and
glanced at Blitzo, sweat beading down his face.
He grinned and snapped.
“Well snap me in half! You’re Bethany Ghostfucker from that one show…” He put
his finger to his chin.
“It’s called
Ghostfuckers, idiot,” Blitzo remarked.
“No, but you’re getting
close. Anyway, I am glad to see you folks. He pulled open a drawer. “We’ve been
having more…”
An evil glint appeared
in his eyes and his smile stretched. “…disturbances than usual lately.”
Blitzo made a show of
grabbing onto his imaginary breasts. “What kind? Se-sexy disturbances?”
Rolando placed down
three crime scene photos onto the desk. “The kind that are killing my guests!”
The first photo showed a
shadow of a woman being tossed into the air. The second showed the corpse of a
screaming old man, the floor littered with his organs and his blood splattered
against the wall. The third picture showed the decapitated head of Rita the
psychic lady. She used to have brown curly hair, glasses, and purple earrings,
the eyes gaping black sockets.
“Well, there definitely
ain’t no such thing as ghosts,” said Millie.
“You sure about that?”
Rolando asked, head cocked. The lights briefly flickered overhead.
Millie shrugged it off
and pushed back the gruesome photos. “We’ll get to the bottom of what’s killing
your guests.”
“Uh, yeah, except ghosts
are real, camera man,” Blitzo mentioned to Millie.
“They’re a conspiracy,
Bethany,” she replied.
“Uh, then what do I plan
on fucking tonight?”
Rolando growled. “Real
or not, this needs to stop.”
“Uh, we’ll need those
keys then,” Blitzo said, holding out his hand.
Rolando gave them to
him. “They killed my last cleaning lady and now I’m stuck with this.”
Rolando mentioned to a
squat bell hopper dressed in a red uniform. He slobbered and babbled in an
accent sounding like the alien Stitch. Millie and Blitzo flinched back in
disgust. “Eugh.”
Blitzo twirled the keys.
“No promises. Come along Mil…I mean, camera man.” Millie huffed as she followed
him.
An old torn portrait of
Rolando holding a red rose was hung in the hall. His eyes appeared to follow
the imps as they made their way down the halls. Water dripped from an old
exposed brown pipe in the ceiling. An old red rotary phone rang on a side table
nearby.
“Blitz, we have a job to
do,” Millie reminded him. “Someone killed that lady, and it wasn’t no phantom.
So we should be tracking…”
“Shh!” Blitzo hissed.
“I’m getting a reading.”
He wandered over to a
door, holding his remote in front of him. He got out one of the keys. Millie
blocked his path.
“Hold on! There might be
someone in there!”
Blitzo glared. “Yeah,
you bet your ass there’s someone in there! A ghost, about to get a mouthful
of…s-s-something sexual!”
He kicked open the door
and posed by a bed. An elderly man and a woman read on the bed. The woman read
a book “How to Eat an Entire Plane – hell yeah it’s edible!” The man read,
“What is Gay Sex?”
“LOOK ALIVE, YOU UNDEAD
COCK SLEEVE!”
Blitzo turned on the
device and the vacuum sucked up the books, blanket and their clothes. The
couple screamed.
Blitzo spoke in his
valley accent and flipped them a middle finger. “Prepare to get sucked off to
the astral plane, bitches!”
The couple huddled in
fear. “Oh my, Delores!” said the man, hugging his crying wife.
“Dammit, Blitz, they
aren’t ghosts! These are just shriveled humans!” She turned to them. “No
offence.”
The old man stood up in
his underwear and got out of bed. “Think you’re pretty slick, huh?” He held
onto his aching knee. “You looking for a fight? I’ll give you a fight!”
Millie sighed. “Let’s
leave these two…oof!”
The man punched Millie
through a wall. Blitzo stood agape.
“I fuckin’ beat the
Nazis,” the man declared, “and I’ll beat you guys too!”
“Look out, Millie, he’s
a patriot!” called Blitzo.
The wife stood up and
pointed at Blitzo. “Get him, Harold!”
Blitzo raced out of the
room, dodging the man’s punches.
Millie pulled Blitzo
along and they both scurried off.
“Get back here you red
little shits!” Delores bellowed, holding a cane in her hand and racing after
them. “How dare you hurt my Harold!”
The imps raced from room
to room, the humans following them like a Scooby Doo montage. Blitzo pushed a
cart down the hall with Millie balancing on it. He entered a dining area and
sucked up a plate of spaghetti off the table with a grin. Several humans gasped
at the sight. Millie got it on film.
The duo of imps then
raced from the dining area as the people angrily chased them. On and on through
the rooms they went. Millie grinned apologetically as she accidentally came
across a couple about to have sex in a bedroom. Even the zombie-like bell
hopper chased after them. Blitzo briefly carried a blond woman in his arms as
he raced into more rooms. The imps rammed into each other, watching as the
humans surrounded them. They leaped out of the way before they could be
captured.
They soon arrived at an
indoor pool area. The walls were worn and torn. Several white lounge chairs
surrounded the pool. Off to the side were rows of square shaped tan lockers,
many with cobwebs inside the spaces. Overhead were round yellow, blue and white
lights in the ceiling. Blitzo tossed his device into Delores and raced toward
the wall. Millie climbed up a lounge chair and ripped off a vent cover. Blitzo
hoisted Millie up onto his shoulders and she climbed through the vent. Blitzo
soon followed her, losing the mob of guests below.
“Wow, nice one, Mils,”
Blitzo commented, looking at his remote. “I think I found the problem though!
The readings were coming from above us, so let’s get up there and…”
“Ow!” Blitzo cried as he
ran into Millie.
Millie turned around.
“Enough!”
Blitzo fumbled to catch
his remote.
“What?”
“I’m done. I don’t wanna
play ghost hunter with you, and I…”
“Uh, it’s Ghostfuckers,”
Blitzo said in his valley accent, reaching for his hat.
Millie snatched the hat
and leaned angrily into his face. “I wasn’t done!” Blitzo flinched back as she
continued. “You know, I always love to have fun with you, and I ain’t said boo
to you moping around like a sad sack for weeks.” She jabbed a finger into his
chest. “But we have bills to pay.”
She shoved the hat back
to him. “So look, you can go be pathetic and play sex ghosts if that’s what you
need to do, but I gotta get this job done.”
She crawled off to the
left, near a cobwebbed fan in the vent.
“Fine!” Blitzo spat.
“Who needs you anyway?!” He crawled off to the right. He shouted in his valley
accent, “Bethany Ghostfucker works ALONE!”
A cockroach skittered
along the metal walls. Blitzo climbed up another level, brushing aside cobwebs.
“Yeah, who needs you
anyway?” he muttered. “Fucking ghost denying piece of shi…IIIT!”
Blitzo paused. Floating
in front of him, not too far away was…
“A ghost?”
An apparition of the
disemboweled elderly man appeared. Only his upper half was visible. His eyes
were nothing but black gaping sockets.
“Leave,” he rattled.
“Y-you certainly aren’t
fuckable,” Blitzo mentioned, then shrugged. “But hey, at least I have proof
that ghosts exist.”
“Fuck, get out of my
way,” Blitzo waved a hand at the spectral.
The ghost shook his head
ominously at Blitzo before he vanished.
Blitzo continued to
crawl until…
“SHIT!”
He lifted up his hand.
It was sticky with black goo. The goo was all over the vent. “What the fuck is
this?”
He wiped his hands on
his pants and continued. He slipped and fell into the goo on the vent floor. He
lifted himself up and continued to crawl. He soon began climbing up the metal
vent wall, when he froze.
He could see nothing but
darkness ahead. The strange black goo began to move on its own. Ever slowly, it
began to drip down the wall.
“Ugh, uh, ahh!” Blitzo
suddenly felt himself slipping.
“Oh, shit. Shit, shit,
shit, shit!”
The black goo became
thicker and began to rush down faster.
“Satan, Satan, Satan, oh
FUCK!”
Now Blitzo was beginning
to slide and lose his grip.
“Millie?!” he cried.
Sweat poured down his
face as he managed to briefly grip a crack in the vent with his fingertips. He
strained to hold on.
“Millie! Millie! I need
help!”
The black goo poured
over his fingers.
“I can’t hold on,
Millie!”
Blitzo then gasped as
the black substance landed on his face. He smelled a tangy, copper smell in the
space.
His heart sank. Looking
closer, the goo looked exactly like…
“Oh, oh fuck me, the
hell is that?”
Sure enough, it wasn’t
goo at all…black demon blood fell from the top of the dark opening and rained
down on him.
“WOAHH!”
He lost his grip and
rapidly plummeted. Millie opened the vent, and he tumbled down into a hallway. He
stared at his hands and face. They were completely dry.
Blitzo reached out and
stood up as Millie left. “Millie! Did you not hear me calling for help?”
“M-Mils!”
He raced after her and
spun her around…
“You ALWAYS need help,
Blitz!” screeched a distorted voice.
Blitzo reeled back at
the sight of a faceless Millie before him.
A nearby door opened,
and a clawed hand gripped the frame. Another distorted voice that sounded
similar to Millie’s.
“Always needing to take
from those around you…”
To Blitzo’s horror, a
glowing yellow eye appeared in the darkness, and out rose…
“Millie?” Blitzo
stuttered.
But this Millie had rope
wrapped around her wrists, a tree branch in her messy hair, bullet holes in her
chest and shards of blood-stained glass where her left eye would be.
A horrific vision
flashed in Blitzo’s mind…Millie leaping up to attack Ralphie, only for him to
smash his glass bottle straight into her eye. Millie screamed and held her eye
as black blood spurted forth. Then Blitzo found himself tied with Millie as the
blond Martha grinned evilly and held her gun. Several shots rang out…one bullet
from Martha hit Millie in the chest. Then another bullet flew through the air
and hit her again. Martha then fell to the ground, thanks to Moxxie’s next shot.
Moxxie then rushed over and wailed at the sight of Millie’s limp body next to
Blitzo.
“Noooo!”
Moxxie looked at the
bullet holes. “I…I killed her?”
Moxxie then glared at
Blitzo with tears in his eyes, “What did you do?!”
“I didn’t do anyth…”
The vision faded,
leaving Blitzo gasping in the hall again.
“That didn’t happen,
that didn’t happen,” he told himself. “We killed that Satanic family, and all
made it out. That Millie can’t be real, right?”
In response, another
door opened.
“You leave them worse
and more broken than you found them.”
Blitzo yelped as another
Millie entered from a door. Her face was burned and badly sacred, mostly yellow
with only a few patches of red skin. Her eyes were black, and the remains of
her black hair were singed. Glowing green flames sparked on the ends of her
hair. She wore a black collar and a torn black suit with a high white collar.
Suddenly Blitzo found
himself back in Loo-Loo Land…
He fought Robo Fizz in
the tent until facing him outside. Robo Fizz grinned as he walked through the
green flames. Blitzo fired bullets from his gun at Robo Fizz. Robo Fizz rolled
into the stand of toys, blowing it up and sending some stuffed animals flying
through the air.
Stolas held Quartet in
his arms, and they smiled. Blitzo crash-landed to the ground with Moxxie and
Millie. A black queef dragged an unconscious Millie off to the side. Blitzo and
Moxxie soon recovered…but as they reached their friend, they only saw her burned,
still body. Her eyes were black and lifeless, all her skin peeled.
“Millie, no!” Blitzo
cried. Moxxie screamed as well, cradling her.
“Blitz, I’m so sorry,”
said a concerned Stolas, coming over.
“No, this can’t be
happening!” Blitzo yelled, snapping out of the second vision.
Just when he thought it
couldn’t get any worse…
A goopy slimy pink
Millie stared at him with glowing white eyes, black blood raining from her
eyes. Her black torn overalls were lopsided, and her hair was dripping in
slime. Parts of her skin were cracked.
“The fuck happened to
you?” Blitzo asked.
He soon got his answer
as he was transported back to a beach on Earth. Verosika Mayday had tossed her
drink into the ocean, causing a fish to morph into a hideous monster. The
monster wrapped its tongue around a drunken Moxxie and snapped him up. Millie
stabbed a man and threw a flaming Molotov cocktail at the beast. The fish
stumbled and fell back into the water. Using her knife, Millie slid up along
the monster’s body. With her knife in her mouth, she pried open the monster’s
mouth, holding onto its teeth. A drunken Moxxie was punching the monster’s
uvula.
Millie strained and
reached out to Moxxie. Moxxie gave her a high five. Millie grabbed hold of
Moxxie’s arm with one hand, balancing her stretched legs on the monster’s
teeth. With a mighty slice, she sliced off the monster’s tongue, sending a
piece of the tongue and Moxxie happily flying through the air. The tongue piece
landed on the sand, and Blitzo caught the dazed Moxxie.
Moxxie cheered
drunkenly.
To Blitzo’s surprise,
the fish gave one last roar and disappeared back into the water.
There was no sign of
Millie.
“FUUUUCCKKK, FUCK!”
Blitzo screamed as he saw another flash of Millie trying to stab the monster in
vain. Her stabs grew slower and slower until she dropped the knife. Her body
convulsed and she gasped for air, trying to escape the monster’s teal stomach.
She soon slipped and fell onto her back into teal-green acid. She gasped a few
more ragged breaths, then her body went still. It soon turned a discolored pink
and melted apart as the monster digested her.
Blitzo found himself
staring at the floor. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.
“You think you can
change?” asked another grinning Millie.
“OH SHIT!” Blitzo
thought. Glowing golden arrows protruded from Millie’s body, several through
her chest and one having pierced her right eye.
Blitzo was soon forced
to watch Millie and Moxxie spinning around the Earth opera theater, battling
Cletus, Collin, and Keenie. Keenie took aim and her heavenly arrow pierced
Millie in the eye.
“Millie!” cried Moxxie.
Millie gasped in the
air, stunned that she had been hit. Another arrow fired through her chest and
several more followed. Moxxie dropped to the ground and held his wounded wife.
Seven arrows had pierced her body.
“I…love you…Mox…” she
breathed before her head flopped to the side. Moxxie bellowed in sadness and
rage as he continued his attack on the cherubs.
“YOU KILLED MY WIFE!
ANGELLIC BASTARDS!”
Blitzo’s eyes filled
with tears as Moxxie got shot in the head and collapsed to the stage floor, a
golden arrow stuck in his forehead.
“It’s over, demon scum!”
Cletus bellowed.
Blitzo stood frozen in
fear as all three cherubs fired golden arrows toward his face…
“You’re not real! Go
away!” Blitzo pleaded, back in the hotel.
Blitzo shuddered as the
alternate Millie’s closed in.
“You’ll never stop
fucking people’s lives up,” they groaned.
Blitzo stared at a more
recent Millie, one with a broken arm and a missing leg.
In a flash, he could see
Striker attacking Moxxie and Millie in a cabin. Striker grinned as he put
Moxxie in a chokehold. Millie in a fit of rage, stabbed him repeatedly with her
knife. She leaped onto his back and tried to slice his neck, but Striker
slammed her against the wooden wall, and she collapsed.
“Millie…” Moxxie said
weakly as Striker grinned overhead.
Striker tossed Moxxie
and Millie down the stairs and into a cellar. Millie cried out as her leg got
caught in a bear trap.
Striker grinned. “I’d
kill y’all, but I feel like there’s more leverage with your rodeo clown of a
boss if I don’t! Plus you little things ain’t worth the cleanup.”
Moxxie raced toward the
exit, but a grinning Striker slammed the doors closed.
Moxxie pried off the
bear trap from Millie’s leg. Black blood stained the floor.
“Millie! Oh, Satan!”
“Moxxie, I’m fine,” she
reassured.
Moxxie pounded on the
doors. “I can’t break through! I’m not strong enough.”
“Use what you’re good
at,” said Millie.
“Oh right!” Moxxie said.
He reached for his pistol to blast a hole in the doors to escape…
…only it wasn’t there.
“No! Striker took my
gun!” Moxxie cried, pulling and yanking in vain at the doors. “Blitz! Blitz!
Help us out!”
Moxxie soon sobbed as
Millie lost consciousness and died in his arms.
Blitzo saw himself
defeating Striker and saving Stolas…but the sight of Millie’s dead body was too
much.
“I’m done, sir,” Moxxie
cried. “You could’ve saved her.”
“Why didn’t you save
us?” moaned all the Millies.
The Millie wearing the
beanie hat flopped up and down before him, her face distorted like a zombie. He
was holding her shoulders, and black blood was pouring from her bulging yellow
eyes.
“When was the last time
you actually loved someone without hurting them?” asked the distorted Millie,
flopping on the floor.
Blitzo hyperventilated
and ran for his life. He ran down endless hallways and then, standing as a silhouette
with glowing yellow eyes…
“MOM!” Blitzo screamed.
She was tall with long black hair, a red face, and she wore a purple dress with
her signature red skull-like pendant. He was now a teenager and raced to her as
fast as he could. She smiled warmly at him as he jumped into her arms.
“Momma,” Blitzo sobbed.
“I was having the worst dream.” Tilla embraced Blitzo again.
“This isn’t a dream,”
said a distorted voice. “This is your life…and it always will be.”
Blitzo stepped back as
green flames sparked to life along her arms. The red pendant fell into his
hands, the same one he wore as a necklace every day.
Blitzo’s worst nightmare
had come true…green flames trialed through her hair, inching closer to her
face.
“NO! NO, NO, NO, MOM!
I’M SORRY!”
Her face burned before
him, revealing her skull and teeth. Her glowing right eye fell out into his
right hand.
“MOM, PLEASE I’M SORRY!”
He grabbed at her
burning skull, desperately trying to reach her…but she soon vanished in sparks
and smoke. Demonic laughter rang through the halls as Blitzo darted into a
bedroom and cried in a ball on the floor.
0 0 0
“Blitz?” Millie called.
She crawled out of a vent and hopped onto the floor.
“Blitz, where are you?”
Millie froze and heard
the sound of a door creaking open.
“Hello?”
She walked over to see
Blitzo, only to find…
“Mox?!”
Moxxie had branches in
his hair and a gaping bullet wound in his forehead. Black blood slowly poured
from the hole in his head. His arms and legs were bent at awkward angles.
Hammered-in nails protruded from his arms, chest and legs.
“That cursed family,
those kids…they did this to me,” Moxxie cried. “And you weren’t there to save
me!”
“What, what are you
talking about?!” Millie backed away…
…and rammed into another
Moxxie.
Millie screamed at the
sight of Moxxie’s yellow peeling face, black empty eyes, torn black suit, and
green flames dancing from the remains of his white hair.
“Too much of a
battle-hungry brute to care for those you love?” moaned the burned Moxxie.
“Shut up! You ain’t
real!” Millie cried.
“What is real? What is
not?” laughed a drunken Moxxie creeping from the darkness. His eyes glowed
white, his skin pink, his body giving off the appearance of melting. Parts of
his flesh were torn, leaving exposed bone. “Couldn’t even save us from that fish,”
groaned the melted Moxxie, swooning this way and that. “Just admit you’re
weak!”
Millie swung her fists,
trying to stand her ground as the alternate Moxxies closed in.
“You’ll always be the
dumb farm girl, underappreciated by the rest of your imp friends…”
Millie seethed and
backed away from another Moxxie who had golden heavenly arrows protruding from
his body. “It’s obvious the angels don’t care for us either!”
“Stay away!”
“You should’ve stayed
behind…should’ve stayed the obedient assassin in Wrath.”
Millie flinched as
another Moxxie walked over to her…though he had a broken neck from being
strangled by Striker.
“Getting into fights so
much…” the Moxxie cracked his neck…
“…more will get hurt
because of your recklessness.”
“BANKRUPTCY! BANKRUPTCY!
BANKRUPTCY!” A more current Moxxie with bulging eyes grabbed hold of her and
shook her hard. Millie shoved him off and ran for her life from the alternate
Moxxie illusions.
She stopped against the
wall to catch her breath. More demonic laughter echoed in the halls.
“Moxxie is safe…Moxxie
is safe…” she told herself again and again. It was not very often she found
herself scared to the bone.
She looked around. The
lights flickered overhead again.
“I have to check on
Blitz!”
Millie soon heard the
sound of crying coming from a bedroom.
Millie rushed into the
room. There were some old TV sets stacked on a shelf and an old bed. “Are you
okay?!”
She ran over to Blitzo,
huddled in a corner. “What happened?”
He whirled around. “No,
no, don’t touch me!” Black mascara ran down his face. “I destroy everything,
everyone I lo…” He stood up on shaking legs. “I make everyone’s lives worse!”
“Not mine!” Millie
called. “Blitz…”
Blitzo crawled on the
floor along the side of an old bed. He curled up and sobbed.
Millie sat on the
flowered bedspread and looked at Blitzo.
“What did you see?” she
asked. She held onto his hand.
“M-mom…my mom, she,
she…”
Blitzo could barely get
the words out. Millie pulled him onto the bed and held onto him as he trembled
in her arms.
“She burned away…I-I
couldn’t save her. It was just like that time at the circus…I lost her, my
sister, my friend Fizz…”
Millie rubbed his head.
“M-maybe my father’s
right…maybe I’m just a lowlife prick who ruins everyone’s lives!”
“Bullshit,” Millie
remarked. “I bet what you saw was an illusion…”
“But she…she did die, in
front of me! In the accident…” Blitzo hyperventilated, and Millie calmed him
down for a moment. “It was so long ago…”
“There was nothing you
could’ve done. I want you to know that you’re not a failure. Sure, you made
some mistakes but look how strong you’ve gotten. Look how much ass you’ve
kicked as you progressed with your business.”
She added. “You and
Fizzarolli are closer now than before, right?”
“Yeah…I guess…” Blitzo
said, eyes still downcast. “I still think we have a lot of catching up to do.
And Barbie…and my father…they hate my guts…”
“Focus on one thing at a
time,” Millie said. “Admitting to yourself that you have grief, that you have
sadness doesn’t make you weak. It’s a way to heal. When you’re ready to talk to
them, we’ll be there for support. Otherwise, I say fuck them.”
Blitzo choked with small
laughter. “At least you still have your parents.”
Millie sighed and folded
her arms. “Parents who don’t really support my freelance work. They still think
I should be a rough tough assassin under someone else. I’m just glad I met you.
In a way, you gave me a new life.”
Blitzo and Millie shared
meaningful looks, tears welling in their eyes. They held their hands tight,
finding a familiar comfort in each other’s presence.
“I still miss her…”
Blitzo sniffed, wiping his eyes. “So fucking much!”
Millie looked down. “Well…let’s
just hope there’s some kind of afterlife…and if not…then you won’t have to
think about your grief ever again.”
“Jeez, Mils, really
helpful there,” he said sarcastically.
“Sorry,” she added.
He spoke again after a
pause.
“T-there’s something
else…” Blitzo began, shaking. Millie listened.
“I saw…you…” Blitzo
whimpered. “B-but you were…all dead…it was all because of me…”
“That ain’t true,
Blitz,” Millie said. “They were only illusions.”
“I failed the missions,
I fail at everything…”
“Of course you don’t,”
she replied. “In fact, if it weren’t for you, we never would’ve killed those
humans and made it out alive.” She gave a small smile. “Besides, where would we
get our daily sense of dark humor?”
Blitzo smiled a bit and
rolled his eyes. “Certainly not from Moxxie. He’d think his own shadow was me
stalking him.”
Millie snickered a bit.
“You’re the one who makes I.M.P. possible, Blitz. You’re the one who brought us
all together.”
Blitzo sniffed.
Millie sighed.
“That year I spent
getting to know your rag tag team and making our mark in the assassin game, it
was fun. Most of my life, I bought into the idea that all I could ever be was a
simple farm girl. Or best an underpaid goon. Until I met some knucklehead who
never gave a fuck about what anyone else said he could or couldn’t be. He made
me believe he could be anything. And that made me feel like I could be
anything, too. He gave me so much…a career, a husband, a future. And now...”
She smiled down at
Blitzo, “…he’s my best friend.”
“You…you don’t hate me?”
Blitzo whimpered.
“Naw, never.”
Millie gave Blitzo back
his pendant. “Look, what I said earlier, you’ve just always been so unbothered
by everything, almost bulletproof and…”
They held hands.
“I guess I never
realized how much I depended on that. I didn’t know how to react to you being
reduced to…Bethany. But I should’ve always respected you like you always do for
me. I’m sorry.”
Blitzo fumbled with his
hat and took it off. “Better?”
“Much.”
“Good.”
“Now,” Millie hopped off
the bed, fists raised. “You ready to finish this thing?”
Blitzo raised his own
fists. “Yeah!” Then he paused. “But we still don’t even know what this thing
is!”
“Come on, Blitz,” said
Millie, following him out of the room. “What’s the only thing you know that
comes to Earth and fucks with people’s minds that badly?”
“Probably an infestor
possessor demon from Envy,” Blitzo responded.
“Bingo!” said Millie,
snapping her fingers.
“So-ho, figured it out,
have you?” asked a distorted voice. Millie and Blitzo looked around. They both
got into fighting stances.
A grinning Rolando stood
in the distance. The round overhead lights flickered off.
“A bit out of your depth,
aren’t you, little ones?” he hissed. His face and body morphed into his true
demonic form, a humanoid sea monster with glowing yellow eyes, sharp teeth,
fin-like ears and scaly skin.
The lightbulbs exploded
above them, and the imps ran for their lives. Rolando’s demonic laughter echoed
through the darkened hall. Rolando chased after him as a grinning hovering
shadow with red eyes and bony hands.
“Damn, our tiny fucking
legs!” Blitzo panted as he sprinted as fast as he could. Sweat poured down
their faces. Rolando appeared and disappeared in shadow as more lights exploded
above him in yellow sparks. Rolando morphed himself into black goo, splashing
and grabbing hold of Blitzo’s leg. Blitzo collapsed to the floor.
“You know my secret…” he
hissed.
Millie raced over to
help Blitzo but was lifted up in a chokehold by the shadowy Rolando. His eyes
and grinning mouth glowed yellow. Blitzo reached out desperately to Millie.
“I guess you gotta die
like all the reeesssttt!” Rolando hissed.
Millie and Blitzo were
picked up by an invisible force. Blitzo screamed as he crashed through several
walls and landed in the pool room. He banged his head against a column and
coughed. Blitzo coughed and grunted as he sat up, holding his chest and
wincing. The pool glowed an eerie green behind him.
A hand with three claws
gripped the broken wall. Rolando grinned as he climbed through the copper pipes
and into the area. His suit was now black with three white buttons on it. He
wore sharp black boots. His fin-like hair was transparent, and he wore glowing
red sharp sunglasses with yellow trim. He displayed a row of sharp white teeth
and a pointed chin like an undersea predator. His skin was a scaly gray.
He spoke distorted and
demonic, “Oh this is fun!”
He leaped forward and
kicked Blitzo hard in the face. He laughed evilly.
WHACK!
Millie responded with a
high kick of her own. She sent Rolando into a nearby wall.
“Atta, girl, Mils!”
Blitzo swung his fist. Millie grinned back at him.
A grinning yellow face
appeared on the surface of the water behind them. Both imps turned around as
Rolando rose out of the water.
“No, thatta bitch!” he
roared. He leaped forward and nearby grabbed Millie. He bent in a wide arch
before righting himself on his knee. He then raced toward Blitzo and kneed him
hard in the chin. He fell to the floor as Rolando flipped into the air toward
Millie. Millie leaped toward him to attack, but he sent her down with a kick.
Blitzo narrowly avoided
Rolando’s attack…his foot left the floor cracked where Blitzo had been moments
before. Millie grunted and swung out her leg again, Rolando grinned and grabbed
her foot, swinging her around. He grabbed hold of Blitzo as well, tossing them
both into the pool. He grinned above them as they fell through the water.
As quick and deadly as a
shark, Rolando zoomed through the water, his natural element. He slammed into
Millie, pushing her into the wall with his head. She winced at the impact. He
grabbed hold of her wrist and in a flip, slammed her against the pool floor.
Holding onto Millie, he grinned as he swam to attack Blitzo. He grabbed onto
Blitzo’s leg and leaped out of the water.
Blitzo and Millie cried
out as Rolando slammed them both hard to the ground. He laughed evilly again as
they both groaned on the floor.
Millie slowly groaned as
she stood up. She helped Blitzo up and they stood together on shaking legs.
“You call yourselves
assassins!” he mocked the imps. He moved his head, and all the lightbulbs
shattered, leaving the room in darkness, save for the glowing pool. An
invisible force rammed into the imps, knocking them backwards. The pillars
cracked and yellow sparks rained down from the broken bulbs.
Rolando cocked his head.
He hovered off the ground and spoke in an eerie voice.
“Eenie, meenie, miny…”
Blitzo and Mille looked
up with terrified looks.
His glowing yellow eyes
widened. “…mo!”
Millie and Blitzo
screamed as Rolando flew at them and entered through each of their heads in
black goo.
0 0 0
Blitzo and Millie found
themselves chained to chairs in an old movie theater. They both grunted and
struggled to get out in vain.
Rolando floated out of Blitzo
and grinned. He licked his neck with his long lime green tongue and Blitzo
flinched and whimpered.
“Welcome to the show,
asshole,” Rolando mused. Rolando flew in an arch of black goo before settling in
a seat behind him. He held popcorn in his hand.
“I hear this one’s a
real titilator.” The curtains opened. He grinned and pointed at the screen. The
screen was tinted green and did the old-fashioned round “3, 2, 1,” on the
screen.
To Blitzo’s utter
horror, his own memories flashed before him. He saw the fire at Loo-Loo Land,
with imps and circus horses racing for their lives. Blitzo saw himself racing
to save his mother…but only managing to find her red pendant. He held it
tightly in his hands.
He saw the angry face of
his father…and cried out at the sight of his father hitting him.
Blitzo began to cry as
he saw a memory of Fizzarolli being burned on the ground. His father glared at
him as Fizzarolli rested in the hospital in the background. Blitzo tried to
reach Fizzarolli, but his father blocked his path.
Then Blitzo remembered the
times when he was mocked by Robo-Fizz, and another moment when Verosika berated
him during her song at Ozzie’s.
He could remember how he
had felt lonely and left out when Moxxie and Millie kissed each other during
their missions.
Rolando sneered and
manifested rusted chains to hold Blitzo’s horns in place. He clamped open
Blitzo’s tear-filled eyes, making him watch more.
He saw when he had
gotten into an argument with Loona at the beach during spring break. Loona
shoved Blitzo to the ground on Earth after Octavia had been found. Then the
awful moment when Barbie Wire yelled at Blitzo for ruining her job…screaming
that she never wanted to see him again.
Then the scenes with
Stolas…how Blitzo had pulled away when Stolas had tried to comfort him at Ozzie’s.
When Stolas had left him in the van…when Stolas declared that he wanted to
break up with him…Stolas giving him the Asmodean crystal as a way of saying
goodbye…Stolas and Veorsika and Vortex singing about how Blitzo was a motherfucker
at the Blitzo hate party on Earth…Stolas’s sad drunken face…Stolas making out
with the male imp, their tongues locked together…Millie berating him for his
cosplay…
“Blitz!” Millie strained
in her chair next to him. “Snap out of it!”
“Silence, bitch!”
Rolando snapped. “Don’t try to ruin our little fun…you’re next!”
“We’ll get out of this
mess, Blitz!” Millie strained against the chains.
Rolando flew toward
Millie. “Oh, the filthy little Wrathian wants to help!”
Rolando licked her neck
as well. “You can’t help anyone, you’re just the muscle, remember?”
The screen shifted and
soon, Millie’s memories began to play on screen. Millie gasped as she saw the
disapproving looks from her parents after she had told them she was going
freelance.
Then she saw the stern
face of her overlord from her first job…a heavyset imp with a broad ax and
spines along his back. He had told her to kill twenty rogue demons before several
coworkers by the end of the day…the assassins who failed would be killed in
front of them. Millie had been grateful to have survived the ordeal.
“Fighting is all you and
your imp kind are good for. You said it yourself.”
Millie flinched in
disgust at the sight of Chaz’s arrogant face…the shark teen bragging about
himself and rubbing himself on top of her. Rolando snickered in the background.
“Let us go, asshole!” Millie
hollered.
“I’m in your minds,
bitches!” he called to the straining imps. “I see everything. Every thought,
every opinion and boy…”
He grinned. “…you both
have nasty shit to say about the other…”
“Don’t listen to him,”
called Millie.
Blitzo paused. “Hey, I
don’t see my memories anym…”
Rolando morphed back
near Blitzo, and his memories played across the screen again.
“NO! STOP!” Blitzo
screamed, tears running down.
“Your level of
insecurity is intoxicating,” Rolando purred. “I can’t wait to see how you taste
when you drive away the one person left who puts up with your bullshit.”
Rolando laughed. “Blitzo
thinks you’re a brute, Millie! Too stupid to do anything but kill!”
“That’s not true!”
Millie protested.
“You never should’ve
left the farm! You’re nothing but a backwards, filthy, inbred, lowborn fucking
hick!”
Millie rolled her eyes. “Ya
done?”
“Excuse me?”
Rolando paused then
grinned. “Oh no. I’m just getting started, my dear.”
Rolando spoke to both of
them. “Nobody cares about you guys or what you want. They’re too caught up in
their own misery to even remember you exist. Especially you, girl.”
“Now look here, combover,”
Millie glared. “You may think you know everything, but you missed two. One, your
words don’t mean shit to me and two…Blitz can handle this!”
“Can he now? Can you?”
Rolando grinned as
Blitzo’s memories played.
“It would be a shame if
you two decided to take…a little swim with me…”
Millie and Blitzo’s
possessed bodies stood up, both eyes glowing blank yellow. Rolando moved back
and forth from Millie to Blitzo. Their bodies inched slowly toward the pool,
robotic in motion. Millie sat near the edge of the pool as her memories played.
When Rolando moved back to Blitzo, Blitzo’s body dropped down into the water
like a rock.
Blitzo and Millie gasped
in horror.
Millie then realized her
memories weren’t on screen. “Blitz! He can only possess us fully one at a time!”
Blitzo’s eyes widened
then he winked.
“Blitz can handle this!”
Millie said again.
“Oh no he can’t!”
Rolando countered, getting closer to Blitzo. “He’ll be swimming with the fishes
before long!”
Blitzo felt himself
gasping for breath and Rolando laughed. Blitzo’s memories were starting to go
dark.
With Rolando distracted,
Millie used her strength to slowly break free of her chains.
“You’re wrong. So buckle
up, buttercup!” Millie spat at Rolando.
When Rolando got too
close, Mille whirled around and slapped Rolando in the face with a free hand. The
impact caused Rolando to lose his grip on Millie’s body. He smacked her in the
head, and she winced.
“Just wait until I
finish off your pathetic little boss friend!”
He moved toward Blitzo,
sinking his body further.
Millie closed her eyes,
and the pool room slowly came back into focus.
“Come on, come on, come
on, come on…”
Millie shook herself awake
and saw a drowning figure in the water.
“Blitz!”
She dove in and pulled
him up. Rolando used Blitzo to try and drag her back in, but Millie slipped out
of his grip and raced onto the deck.
“Come and get me, fishbrain!”
called Millie.
Possessed Blitzo
growled.
The possessed Blitzo climbed
out of the water and attacked her with his fists, which she blocked. He wrapped
her with his tail, shoving her aside. Millie dodged his foot as he flipped
over. Rolando grabbed her arm and spun her around. He spun her in a dance then
knocked his head into her. He then tossed her over the pool and onto the other
side. Rolando swam through the water and leaped out with a splash at Millie.
He lifted her up and slammed
her into a pillar, which cracked on impact. He spun in a loop around another
pillar and aimed his feet at her. She moved back and dodged his landing. She
then dodged every one of his fists.
Millie then grinned and
swooped her foot under his, sending him to the floor. Millie then gripped both
his arms from behind.
“Like I said, combover,
your words don’t mean shit to me!” Millie smirked. She punched him in the face
and tossed him into a wall. Rolando was then punched and beaten rapidly by
Millie’s fury of punches to his face and gut. The wall cracked from behind him.
Rolando cried out, spitting black blood.
“This is what you get
for messing with my friend!” Millie hollered. She grunted and with her strength,
she slammed him against the floor. Rolando turned around…
WHAM!
Millie finished him off
with a roundhouse kick to the chin. He collapsed, Blitzo’s head hanging partially
in the water. Blitzo’s mouth opened, and Rolando flew out from his mouth in a
black gooey shadow.
Blitzo slowly blinked
and sat up, rubbing his head. “Ugh, good work, Mils.”
“Oh-ho!” Blitzo cried
out as Millie punched him in the face. She punched again. “AH FUCK, IT’S ME!”
Millie covered her
mouth. “Oh! Shit! Sorry!” She chuckled, bending down. “It’s good to have you
back, boss.”
Rolando hoisted himself
up, dripping wet on the floor.
“You little ass plugs
are done for! You’re dead, Bethany!”
“Well, that’s where you’re
wrong,” Blitzo said, walking over to him, holding his device. “I ain’t Bethany
Ghostfucker…”
He spoke with newfound
confidence, “Tonight I’m Blitz, DEMON-DICKER!”
Blitzo yelled and
slapped Rolando with his device. He fell into the pool.
Rolando lifted up his
head. He shrugged his shoulders, putting out his hands as if to say “What the
fuck? I’m in my natural element.”
Blitzo then kicked his
ghostfucker device into the water.
The device sank into the
water and electricity sparked and zigzagged across the surface. Rolando
realized too late that he was in danger.
The fish screamed in
agony as he was fried by the electricity. His glasses exploded and his yellow
eyes melted as black blood gushed out from them. His screams turned distorted.
His body and head sank to the bottom.
Blitzo raised his fist
in triumph. “AAANNND THAT’S HOW YOU GET GHOSTFUCKED!”
Millie embraced Blitzo. “Let’s
go home.”
Blitzo grinned and
kicked open the doors. “Yeah, fuck hotels.”
A nearby portrait of
Charie Morningstar heard Blitzo’s remark and glared as they exited.
0 0 0
The sun set at the
cemetery as Blitzo and Millie arrived outside after the fight. They shoved
their equipment into the back of the van, trying to close the doors.
Blitzo grinned at
Millie. “So, I’m your best friend, huh?”
“What do you think?” she
asked with a smile.
“I think…” Blitzo began,
then his face fell. “I-I’ve never had a real friend that I didn’t wanna fuck.”
Millie smiled and folded
her arms. “That mean you’re not gonna try to be our third anymore?”
“No,” Blitzo answered,
sadly. “Not anymore.” Even spying on his coworkers and trying to get intimate
with them didn’t sound appealing like it had before many months ago. He was
mentally scarred and exhausted after what had happened. Blitzo hopped up on top
of the van and sat down.
‘That’s very unusual for
him,’ Millie thought, looking up with concern at her
friend.
She leaped onto the van
roof and sat beside him.
“The bird got to you
that bad, huh?”
“I guess.”
Millie did a small
smile, trying to cheer him up. “Sooo, you gonna keep stalking us all the time?”
She winked playfully.
Blitzo smiled back.
“Well, you know your husband is still a little fuckable.”
Millie chuckled. “Yeah,
he is. I hope he’s doing okay.”
Meanwhile back at I.M.P.
Headquarters, sweat beaded Moxxie’s face as he wrote down the last of the math
formulas on a piece of paper, a pencil in his left hand.
Moxxie then paused,
dropping the pencil. “I did it?” He beamed, eyes wide, clutching the paper. “I
did it!” He stood up, crying happy tears. “I finally figured it out!”
Loona interrupted
Moxxie’s joyous moment. “You uh…you forgot to carry the two there,” she said,
pointing.
A distraught Moxxie
poured some gasoline oil all over the stacks of papers, intending to light all
the mistakes on fire and forget this ever happened. A Mammon logo was on the
oil tank.
Loona narrowed her eyes
and picked up the imp. She set him down on the floor, covering him with a
lavender blanket and putting a bowl of ice cream in front of him with a cherry
on top.
‘Now I can see why Blitz
shut himself in,’ he thought.
The TV was on, and
“Ghost Fuckers” appeared in red dripping letters.
“Now back to Ghost
Fuckers…”
Moxxie rolled his eyes…
“…THE MUSICAAAL!”
appeared in large orange and brown letters decorated with theater lights on
them.
Moxxie sat up and gasped…eyes
wide with excitement.
Sexy songs began to
play…Moxxie found himself singing along with Bethany.
“I’ve got longing and
desire
My heart burns with
forbidden fire
For a spooky
A spooky kind of love
(Ooh, la-la, ooh) Nobody
tries to understand it
(Ooh, la-la, ooh) But I
can feel my soul demand it
(Ooh, la-la, ooh-ooh) A
spooky
A spooky kind of love
(love, la, la, la, la)
And I don’t care (I
don’t care)
What they say about me
I don’t care (I don’t
care)
I just gotta be free
To run, run, run, run
run
Free to run, run, run,
run, run
Free to run, run, run,
run, run
Free to run, run, run,
run into the arms of
A spooky
A spooky kind of love (A
spooky; to run, run, run, run, run)
A spooky kind of love (A
spooky; to run, run, run, run, run)
A spooky kind of love.”
The next porn song
played.
“Bethany! This is it!”
called a male character. “Let the spirits fill you!”
Bethany Ghostfucker then
sang. “Oh my God, I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna fuck a ghost!”
“My spirit box is
humming hot
Drippin’ down my thigh
The portal gapes, my
body aches
C’mon ghost, give me a
try
I’m ready
I wanna fuck a ghost.”
“Bethany,” said the man.
“The spectrometer’s going crazy. This ghost has a huge dead dick energy!”
“Hot!” Bethany
exclaimed.
“You can take me from
beyond
Lemme taste your
ectoplasm
I want the dick no one
gets
Make me polter-gasm
I’m ready
I wanna fuck a ghost
(“She’s ready, she wants
to fuck a ghost!”)
“’Cause we’re
ghostfuckers,”
Bethany and the crew
sang “We love fuckin’ ghosts, yeah, we’re ghostfuckers!”
Bethany added, “They’re
really dead, and we’re really horny.
No silly laws of God or
man (Oh-oh, ooh)
Can keep us from our
sexy plan (Oh-oh, ooh-ohh)
To slicking up a
spectral slut (Ah, ah)
She and the crew sang, “We
can’t wait to ghost-bust a nut!”
Bethany sang, “I’m
ready, I wanna fuck a ghost”
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh)
“Yeah, I do, I’m ready (“Yeah,
she’s ready”)
“Yeah, I wanna fuck a…
(“She wants to fuck a ghost”)
Yeah, I wanna fuck a…
(“She wants to fuck a…”)
I wanna fuck a… (“She
wants to fuck a…”)
Yeah, I wanna fuck a…
(“Yeah, she wants to fuck a…”)
Oh, I wanna fuck a…
(“Oh, she wants to fuck a…”)
Yeah, I wanna fuck a…
(“Yeah, she wants to fuck a…”)
Bethany reached her
climax. “OH GOD! Oh my God, that was way too cold, I totally regret it…but
hot!”
(“Oh yeah, she fucked a
ghost!”)
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