Helluva Boss Episode Six: Truth Seekers (Remix)

 

 

 

D.H.O.R.K.S., Undisclosed location, Earth, 2021

 

 

In a darkened green-lit room, a small monitor screen showed a clip of Moxxie stopping Blitzo from firing his rifle at Martha at her house (“Murder Family”).

 

Another screen showed a clip of Millie slouching back to shore after killing the fish monster at the beach (“Spring Broken”). 

 

A third one showed Millie and Moxxie French-kissing with their long tongues while swinging above the stage during the battle (“C.H.E.R.U.B.”).

 

As a fourth screen zoomed in from a field of grazing horses and focused on an excited Blitzo, mouth agape, tongue out and holding a crushed can in one hand and the grimoire on another, the clip paused.

 

A white finger touched the still screen.

 

“Right there,” said a male voice. “This was the first sighting.”

 

A witness had captured Blitzo on a cell phone and the video was soon found by members of a secret organization. The organization was called D.H.O.R.K.S., (Demon Hunter Organization of Rad Kooky Suckers) (at least that’s a theory on what it stood for). They had facilities all over the country. Their goal was to search and hunt for paranormal activity, specifically demons, in order to protect Earth…but also because they were huge occult dorks. They had invented drone-like devices to track energy signatures whenever portals from Hell to Earth opened up…and the heat signatures of those nearby. As soon as the portals opened or closed, the devices were sent out. The near-invisible drones had gotten footage of I.M.P. during all their murder missions on Earth.

 

The members all wore black suits and carried various weapons like melee, katanas, kusarigama (metal chain with heavy iron weight at the top) naginata (curved sword), throwing stars, pole weapons, and stun guns. They were a combination of Men in Black, the Matrix, SCP Organization, and underground experiment organizations. Just your stereotypical dark conspiracy agents working in secret and studying extraterrestrial beings like those in Area 51. (Although this facility in question was labeled as Area 66.)

 

Another white hand appeared, gesturing to the screen as a female voice spoke. “They are definitely from Hell. They must use this dark magic to cross over into our world…” The fist clenched.

 

In the room, more screens displayed various scenes of I.M.P. during their adventures.

 

The female agent, Agent Two stood up. She had short curly blonde hair, dark skin and dark shades over her eyes. Her attire consisted of a dark suit with a white undershirt, a black necktie, red collar cuffs and red sleeve ends. Pinned on her suit was a logo; a white D over a red triangle. She adjusted her sunglasses and put her hand to her chin as she pondered in thought.

 

“And they seem to be killing specifically-targeted people. But why?”

 

The male, Agent One then stood up. He had white skin, a pointed chin and light brown short hair on his angular head. He too, adjusted his shades and wore the same colored suit and logo as his partner.

 

With a swoop of his hand, he added, “They always attack at random, all over the country. There’s no way to predict where they’ll show up next!”

 

Just then, the agents gasped and turned as they heard a rattling and screeching cat noise from outside. They peered through a barred window and some lopsided blinds. The male agent pulled the blinds aside and spotted Blitzo with one foot toward a dumpster.

 

Agent Two grinned evilly. “Ah well, that’s convenient!”

 

0 0 0

“Shh!” Blitzo shushed to Moxxie as he held onto the dumpster lid. “Remember, we can’t be seen!” Blitzo slammed the lid before losing his balance and tumbling to the ground. He landed head-first into a garbage bag.

 

Moxxie face-palmed and shook his head while Millie giggled nearby before strolling away. Moxxie glanced around before addressing his boss in a harsh whisper.

 

“Pardon my word, sir, but you’re currently being the loudest.”

 

Blitzo got out from the bag and angrily poked Moxxie in the face. A soiled pink garment hung from the tip of one of his horns, a lollipop was on his face, a piece of paper lay on his forehead and on his finger…was a used up green condom. Moxxie stared in utter disgust.

 

“I said shush your dick-sucking lips, Moxxie!” Blitzo spat, poking hard at Moxxie who then flinched and shooed him away.

 

From behind Moxxie, a red glow emitted from a nearby portal. Moxxie turned and spotted Loona and Millie in the opening, Millie waving. Moxxie happily began to stroll toward the portal when…

 

“Get down!” Blitzo yelled.

 

A shout rang out as Blitzo leapt onto Moxxie and shoved him hard onto the ground. A millisecond later, a net shot from the distance with a wheezt. Blitzo growled on top of Moxxie, staring at a shadowy figure in the background. It was Agent One, holding a large cannon-like weapon with three white barrels with nets in the center. With a click, another net opened up at the ready. Falling from a rooftop, Agent Two landed gracefully on the ground, standing between Blitzo and the portal. Blitzo and Moxxie were surrounded by two armed humans. If these human strangers soon saw the portal to Hell…

 

“Loona! Close it!” Blitzo shouted.

 

Loona stared at the grimoire in her furry hands and muttered a few words. “Wait! No!” Millie cried, rushing toward the opening, but it had already closed. Moxxie held out a reaching hand in desperation. He seethed and took out his black and red pistol. The two imps leaped and flipped as they dodged the nets being fired at them. Moxxie smiled and aimed his pistol at Agent One.

 

Thud.

 

A tranquilizing dart struck Moxxie in the back of the neck. He wobbled on his feet and groaned before collapsing.

 

“Moxxie!” Blitzo cried. He hoisted up his employee and darted away. He drop-kicked Agent Two before taking off, carrying Moxxie on one shoulder. He raced down an alley as Moxxie groaned “I smell…colors…” and the agents gave chase. With horror, Blitzo realized he had reached a dead end. He turned around to face the agents, weapon in one hand, a limp Moxxie in the other.

 

“Back off, you tuxedo-wearing fucks!”

 

The agents just grinned and aimed their weapons. As Blitzo aimed his flintlock pistol, Agent Two pulled the trigger.

 

Zzzzap!

 

A flash of blue electricity shot from Agent Two’s gun, stunning both imps. They shook uncontrollably and cried out as the electricity raced through their bodies. Blitzo was struck twice. When the electricity faded, the imps slumped to the ground, going into unconsciousness.

 

The agents chuckled darkly, standing over the fallen imps.

 

“Hmhm. I’d like to see the suits at corporate call us losers now!” laughed Agent One. He turned to his comrade. “That was pretty badass.”

 

Agent Two smiled and posed with her gun pointed in the air. “Super badass!”

 

Blitzo and Moxxie slipped under as the agents carried their limp forms back to headquarters.

 

“Can you believe it?” said Agent Two. “After all those months of hunting down these devils, we finally caught ‘em!”

 

“And in just minutes, too!” Agent One added. “Now, the corporation will surely believe us.”

 

“No more being treated like superstitious laughing-stocks,” added Agent Two. “Just imagine…us discovering the demons’ plan. Being heralded as heroes by the government. Think of how much money will pour in!”

 

Agent One licked his lips greedily as he carried Blitzo. Agent Two dragged Moxxie along before punching in a code (666-666) on a keypad. The button glowed green and a small door opened. The agents walked in before the door closed. From the outside, the door blended perfectly with the white concrete wall.

 

0 0 0

Mission

 

Back at I.M.P. headquarters, Millie pounded the wall nine times in frustration, tears in her eyes.

 

“Shit! Shit, shit, shit!” She cursed and yelled, head back before lowering it and sobbing. It felt like she was drowning in sheer despair and helplessness. Moxxie was there and then he was gone. She hadn’t been able to save him.

 

Loona stood behind her, book in hand, finger extended. She titled her head in concern. “You uh…you okay there?”

 

Millie stood up and whirled around, Loona flinching back with her hands up.

 

“What’re you doing sittin’ there?! The boys are in trouble! Open it again!”

 

Loona stood with her arms folded. Her red eyes narrowed. “Blitz was using a total of zero euphemisms, innuendos, or swears. That means it was serious.” She crossed her arms in the air and leaned in close in annoyance. “Which means I don’t open it until…”

 

Millie spat while grabbing Loona’s shirt and lifting her up, “I fucking get it! The sex jokes are the backbone of this whole show! Just you wait; there will be more! Open the fucking portal now!”

 

Loona then opened an old backpack labeled “Blitzo’s Emergen-C Bag” with the I.M.P. logo on it. With a war-like look on her face, Millie twirled a giant black double-bladed ax in the air with the I.M.P. symbol in the center. Loona transformed into her human disguise before muttering a spell from the grimoire. The portal opened once more into the night air on Earth. Millie crouched into a fighting pose, then gasped.

 

“They aren’t here!” Tears fell from her eyes again, body going slack. Loona stepped through the opening. The hellhound lifted Millie up with both hands and sniffed the ground.

 

“It smells like they went this way,” she said. “Come on, let’s find the dumbass twins!”

 

Loona hoisted Millie onto her back, ax in her other hand. Millie smiled at Loona, glad to be back as a team. They raced down the alley into the night.

 

 

 

Soon enough, they found the white-bricked building. “D.H.O.R.K.S.” was labeled on a large sign and a spotlight rotated from the roof. Four security cameras were in a row over the double doors. Two male agents with suits, dark glasses and spears stood guard on either side. The two females peered from behind the side of the building near a fence.

 

“This is where they ended up?” Millie whispered.

 

“I think so,” Loona replied. “Fuck, this looks intense.” They both leaned against the wall, Millie on Loona’s back. “How are we gonna get in?”

 

Millie glanced upward and pointed. “Lift me up to that vent!”

 

Loon lifted up her arm as Millie twirled around it, balancing on Loona’s hand. She tore off the vent cover and dove inside. Moments later, Millie pushed open the door, standing on the long handle and holding it for Loona. The duo raced down the hall, Millie on Loona’s shoulders once again. The hallways were metal and bleak, with fluorescent rectangular lights and long pipes on the ceiling. They crept past two other agent guards who were facing the other way, hands on their sheathed swords. Another agent spotted them run down the hall from a camera screen and spit out his coffee in surprise. As he slammed his fist on a red button, the alarm blared. His comrade glared at him with coffee all over his face.

 

Millie and Loona skidded to a stop as more agents appeared. One held a pike connected to a chain, a kusarigama. Another spun two blades from chained handles and a third had X-Men-like metal claws from his hands. A sign up above read “spicy wires.” Another sign read “Days until last incident.” An agent darted toward them with a long pole spear and they dodged it by ducking. With a leap, Loona turned around and sliced the agent’s right leg off with Millie’s battle ax. Millie shot the agent several times and he fell dead. Millie spun her ax in the air, hitting another agent through the head. She raced up his body to retrieve her weapon before another agent prepared to attack with her naginata sword.

 

Whoosh!

 

Millie jumped up to dodge the blow and arched downward with her weapon, slicing the female agent clean in half.

 

With a drop-kick, Loona landed with her legs spread out before jumping over another agent wielding a kusarigama in an arch. In the blink of an eye, Loona ducked to avoid the pike twirled by another agent with earbuds. The chained weapon instead gutted a fellow agent in the head, the first agent shocked. Before he could blink, Millie had jumped onto his face and promptly snapped his neck. Millie balanced on the pole of her ax before racing forward with Loona toward more agents.

 

Another agent looked to his comrade, his look ordering him to close the metal door. The three agents took out black throwing stars, three in each hand and threw them at the duo. Loona dodged them as she ran, holding Millie by the hand.

 

“Throw me!” called Millie.

 

With a grunt, Loona tossed Millie forward, the imp holding onto her weapon with both hands. She yelled as she was tossed forward, landing on the floor and doing several forward rolls. The metal door labeled “caution, blast danger” closed, Millie making it through. Slashes and screams were heard before the door opened. Millie stood proudly, the walls, ceiling and floor stained with red blood splatters. A sign labeled “out of order,” hung on an un-working red emergency light. Another sign read “Attention: No magicians permitted,” while another showed “Shrek 2,” with an ogre drawing.

 

“Damn,” said Loona, impressed as she walked forward. “You’re pretty agile for an old lady.”

 

“I’m like five years older than you,” Millie deadpanned.

 

Loona and Millie arrived at a keypad. They noticed that the “1” button was worn down.

 

“Try ‘one,’” said Millie.

 

Loona pressed “1” five times and the double doors opened. There was a desk with a computer and a potted plant and a sign labeled “D.H.O.R.K.S.” at the top. The duo shared a look and raced in as the doors closed.

 

0 0 0

Interrogation

 

Moxxie slowly opened his eyes, his consciousness returning. With his yellow eyes fully open, he looked around. He was in a darkened windowless room. He gasped when he saw he was tied to a chair with Blitzo tied behind him on another chair. Pipes snaked along the ceiling and an overhead light shone on the pair of imps.

 

A light suddenly shone in Moxxie’s face, the imp squinting his eyes shut.

 

“Finally awake, huh, little fella?” smirked Agent Two, getting close to Moxxie’s face. “Your partner has been for a while now.”

 

Moxxie glanced at Blitzo from behind him. Both of their long imp tails were chained to a metal ball on the floor.

 

“Look, shitbag, it takes a lot to keep me down, alright?” Blitzo deadpanned. “I took a fuck ton of tranquilizers in the college I dropped out of.” He smirked. “Also I’ve been strapped nipple-first to a car battery so I--oh okay…”

 

Agent One angrily shone a light into Blitzo’s face. “Tell us, demon scum,” Agent One integrated in an intimidating voice. “Who do you work for? Satan?”

 

Agent Two took the light from Agent One and shone it at Moxxie. “How did you get to our world from the afterlife?”

 

Agent One took back the light and asked Blitzo, “Why are youse killing humans?”

 

Agent Two snatched the light back from him. “When did you show up here?”

 

Blitzo closed his eyes in annoyance. The light was back in the usual overhead position. “Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there, bitch. First of all, we just woke up from a very nasty shock and I’m still feeling fuckin’ woozy so I’m gonna request you to fetch us some coffee before we get into this. I mean everyone gets coffee in shitty movies with scenes like this, am I right?” He grinned widely. “I want something iced, bitch. Mox!”

 

Moxxie grinned too, happy to play along and annoy them longer. “I’ll have a Neapolitan cappuccino more cappu than cino, make sure it’s got no more than four ounces of milk, the beans won’t have the right texture otherwise, and make sure they spell my name correctly on the cup. They always put ‘Foxy,’ or ‘Roxy,’ I hate that.”

 

The two Agents stared dumbfounded at Moxxie. Even Blitzo thought Moxxie was going a bit overboard.

 

Moxxie continued, “If you can’t handle that, I’ll have a Venti traditional Misto. Please use soy milk with two blonde shots, Affogato and Ristretto! I’d also love three vanilla pumps at the very bottom, then add the coffee after, then…”

 

“Enough!” bellowed Agent One, arms up in frustration. He waved a finger at Blitzo. “We aren’t getting youse coffee!”

 

“Wow, I was getting massive douche chills just there, Mox. Congrats.” Moxxie grinned mischievously at Blitzo before Agent Two leaned in.  

 

“If we have to, we are willing to resort to torture methods to get answers out of you nasty hell beasts!” She clenched her fist.

 

Moxxie said, “When you say ‘tortured,’ you mean physical or psychological? Physical seems counterproductive. We would likely tell you anything if it meant an end to the pain, and you would have no way of knowing what was true.”

 

Blitzo smirked. “Or we may like it too much, and then you got a whole new thing to deal with!”

 

Agent One pointed at Blitzo in suspicion. “What do you mean by that?”

 

“Oh, you’re stupid, huh?” Blitzo mocked. “I could work with stupid…daddy likey dummy!”

 

Agent One flinched back in disgust as Moxxie tried in vain to hold back his laughter, one of his cloven hooves in the air. He then stomped his feet on the ground, tears in his eyes. Both imps laughed as the two agents seethed in the darkness.

 

“Good one sir, daddy likey…”

 

“You better stop laughin’ at us!” warned Agent Two.

 

Agent One grabbed Blitzo by his undershirt. “Yeah! You’re the ones at our mercy!”

 

“It’s hard to resist, I’m really sorry, I mean considering your approach thus far, you’ve had us tight here, for what, hours?” Moxxie asked. “And you haven’t even had us confirm what exactly we are!”

 

“What are you?” asked Agent Two, curious.

 

“I’m a Virgo!” Moxxie retorted. Blitzo burst into laughter, long tongue out, his head upside down.

 

Agent One let go of Blitzo. “Oh, a smart guy, eh?”

 

“One more quip out of you and we’ll shut you up!” warned Agent Two.

 

Blitzo smirked again. “Ohh, getting kinky!”

 

The disgusted agents recoiled in horror, stepping back against the wall with their hands out. Agent One exclaimed, “What?! We ain’t playing any of your vile demon games!”

 

Blitzo grinned. “I mean, that’s what it sounds like back there! You sickos!”

 

“Please don’t give them ideas, sir!” Moxxie added with a playful grin.

 

Blitzo said, “Why not? I know the shit you’re into!” Moxxie looked embarrassed.

 

“Stop!” yelled Agent One, leaning toward Moxxie. “Argh! We are not getting kinky wit youse!”

 

Agent Two pulled her angry colleague back. “Calm down, One! Don’t let these monsters get to you!”

 

Agent One paced with clenched fists. 

 

“Hey,” called Blitzo, “Aren’t we gonna get our phone call, bitch?”

 

Agent One lowered to Blitzo’s level slightly and this time had an idea. “Well, that entirely depends…who are you gonna call, hmm?”

 

“Your fat mom, thanking her for a fat time!”

 

“Nice try, demon!” called Agent Two, “His fat mom…” she barked leaning forward, “…is dead!!” Agent One burst into sobs in his arm. Blitzo did a blep look.

 

“Stop insultin’ my mother! She’s dead!” Agent One cried. Agent Two pat him on the shoulder. “Hey, hey, let’s just leave them here until they feel like talking.” Agent Two guided Agent One toward the door and both of them left the room. The door closed behind them.

 

As soon as they were alone, Blitzo struggled in vain to free himself. He sighed. “Don’t worry, Mox. If we keep being obnoxious, they’ll eventually slip up and we’ll get a chance to get out. Let’s just keep fucking with them until they get so frustrated, they stop thinking clearly. It usually works.”

 

From inside another room with control buttons, the two agents listened in on the imps.

 

“Hmm,” said Agent One. “So the demons want to play games, huh?” The two agents shared a look. Agent One said, “Well we could play games!” They smirked and Agent Two raised her arm. With her fist, she punched on a glowing green button labeled “Truth Bomb,” between the “Bitch Juice” and Haha Gas” buttons. “Yeah,” she added with a snicker.

 

 Back in the other room, Moxxie lowered his head. “I’m just worried about Millie; she’ll be on her way by now. I’m sure.”

 

“Ugh she’ll be fine, Moxxie,” said Blitzo. “It would take a roided-up hippo to take down that woman when she’s upset.”

 

“We’ve never dealt with the human government before! She’s in danger!”

 

As green smoke and fumes poured in, Blitzo suddenly barked, “Do you ever honestly shut up about Millie?! It’s always…” He did big wide eyes, “‘Oh, how’s Millie?’ ‘I can’t tonight, I’m hanging with Millie.’ ‘I’m so worried about Millie.’” He then lifted his head with regular eyes, teeth barred, “And she’s always five fucking feet away from you! It’s pathetic.”

 

Moxxie raised his eyebrows. “That…was oddly personal.”

 

Blitzo’s eyes widened. “You know what, you’re right. I don’t know why the fuck I let my guts spill like that.”

 

Moxxie then noticed the green fumes in the room, legs kicking the air. “Sir! They’re filling this room with something!”

 

Blitzo sniffed. “Fuck! The hell is this?!”

 

“I think it’s some kind of airborne truth-telling serum.”

 

“Oh you just guess that’s what it is?”

 

“Well, uh, just ask me something specific I wouldn’t normally tell you?”

 

“Okay, uh, does Millie ever peg you?”

 

“Sometimes,” Moxxie admitted with a goofy grin then, froze. “Wait!” He coughed. “Ew, fuck! Why that?!”

 

“Heh, I knew it!” 

 

Moxxie fumed. “Well your suit is tacky! Fuck, I’m sorry.”

 

Blitzo whirled around and gasped. “How fucking dare you! You…have shitty taste in music!” He then mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Shitty taste? You said you liked that musical I recommended to you!” said Moxxie.

 

“I lied,” Blitzo admitted. “I left halfway through!”

 

Tears were in Moxxie’s eyes. “You-you said you loved it!”

 

Blitzo wailed. “It was awful, Moxxie! It was about ugly horny cats!”

 

Both imps bawled out loud, their heads back.

 

“Oh god Moxxie, I’ve said so many lies to you!”

 

Back in the control room, the two agents laughed. “This is gonna be a good night!” said Agent Two with a chuckle to Agent One.

 

“Dammit Moxxie, this is all your fault!” Blitzo barked.

 

“How is this my fault?!” Moxxie asked.

 

The two imps then experienced different hallucinations. The two agents watched with glee at the drooling, stoned imps. Agent Two ate popcorn and Agent One drank a soda.

 

 

 

0 0 0

Moxxie

Before his glazed eyes, Moxxie saw clouds part in front of him. He stood up from his chair and saw that he was in outer space. Soft wind was heard. There appeared to be white Greek pillars in the distance. He wandered through the moving clouds in wonder.

 

“Blitzo!” Moxxie called before coughing. “I-I can’t see you!” Then he scrunched up his face. “God, this smells awful!”

 

He glanced down and saw he had on a different outfit; a dark gray tuxedo shirt with a black bow tie, a white cloth hanging underneath it, white buttons down the front and white rimmed sleeves. He also wore dress pants.

 

Organ music played in the distance and Moxxie felt like he was part of some transcendental opera.

 

“What’s that music?” Moxxie asked, looking around, pointing his finger. “Is that you? Is this a prank? Because I swear to Satan…”

 

“It is no prank, bitch!” an accented voice declared from behind him.

 

“Hey!” Moxxie yelled, turning around. “Why do you sound like that?”

 

“Because you, my precious little bitch boy…”

 

“Stop it, sir!”

 

“…are tripping balls!”

 

To Moxxie’s astonishment, he appeared to be on a hovering rock structure in the middle of space. Rock slabs hovered in place in midair. Curved white stairs were flanked on all sides by rows of lit white candles, also held only by hovering cliffs. The stairs and candles led to a gleaming golden giant organ at the very top, flanked by teal curtains. It gave off a magical Disney-esque feel that only Moxxie’s mind and gas could conjure.

 

And sitting down at the organ was none other than Blitzo, dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He wore a dark elegant cape with a high pointed collar and a white mask over his right red eye. In place of his birthmark on his forehead was a black broken heart. It was very bizarre for Moxxie to see his boss as the star of his all-time favorite musical.

 

A spotlight shone on Moxxie, causing him to flinch at the brightness.

 

Moxxie grabbed a candelabra out of nowhere and hopped up the stairs. The spotlight followed his movements.

 

“No, what, how could this be?” he asked in song.

“I’ve never tried acid trips or DMT

It’s a bad trip, Oy Gevalt! (oh God!)

Of course, Blitz, this would be your fault!

My lungs are full of honesty

Would you promise me

That you won’t judge me?”

 

“Yes bitch!” Blitzo replied in a long note, dramatically pressing his fingers to the keys.

 

“Not trying to divulge too much,” Moxxie sang again,

“But I’m in too deep

So first of all…

Fuck you!”

 

He angrily pointed at Blitzo as his boss did an alto “What?”

 

“This is just typical, well two can play at that game of dismay,” Moxxie chanted fast as he walked up the stairs. White candle wax dripped down from the candle surfaces.

 

“Because if you’re here causing frustration

I’m torturing you and your hallucination!”

 

Moxxie sang, “Why do you hurt me so?”

 

Blitzo sang beside him, “I know…”

 

Moxxie asked, “Why must you push all your friends away?” as Blitzo harmonized, “I push all my friends away.”

 

Moxxie raced up the stairs and then rapped/talked fast in sing, “Why does it seem like a recurring thing that you alienate with your toxic routine?”

 

“I don’t know, eventually everyone goes!” Blitzo answered.

 

“Because you’re thoughtless and cruel and you’ll end up alone!” Moxxie answered.

 

Blitzo’s red eye flashed in pain and shock.

 

“Why, Moxxie why,” Blitzo melodized in a low long note. “…have you held your true feelings inside?”

 

Moxxie placed the candelabra on a white clothed table and sighed.

“I am scared of rejection.”

 

“Why, Moxxie, why…do you have Millie put it in your butt?”

 

“It gives me an erection-Hey!”

 

“No need to hide, we accept your true feelings, so promise me…” sang Blitzo.

 

“…that I can do, to be true…” added Moxxie.

 

“The world is your anus, so peg it with honesty!” Blitzo sang, his head briefly upside down. Moxxie groaned as he reached the top.

 

“I’ve been a jackass, it’s true,” sang Blitzo.

 

“You’ve been a jackass, it’s true,” Moxxie harmonized.

 

Both imps then bonded over the song, singing a duet as they both sat at the bench. They first sat back to back, heads downcast, but Moxxie soon turned around to face the organ and Blitzo. They harmonized together.

 

“But soon as we’re back as ourselves

I will be a better friend

Than I was before.”

 

Both of them smiled at each other as they both played at the organ. Moxxie soon felt a sense of elation…that perhaps he and Blitzo could get along in time.

 

“Be better at speaking my miiiiind!

And together we can begin to become

Fiiiine!”

 

Moxxie sighed dreamily as the fantasy faded to black.

 

 

0 0 0

Blitzo

The double doors and the room morphed in front of him. He saw a white light, faint hills and what looked like black liquid ink vines dangling from above. Blitzo was sitting in a chair, wearing a white clown suit with two red buttons. Swirling around him were streams of ink colored red, brown, gray and pink. The area was very dim and eerie. Blitzo stumbled out of his chair, almost losing his balance. The red ink shrieked with an open maw and beady eyes before splattering onto Blitzo’s face. Blitzo examined his stained hand. He sniffed the substance and licked it. Before he could taste it, the ink being shrieked again, causing him to fall backwards to the ground. 

 

Blitzo turned around on his belly and spotted a figure morph in front of him from black ink. It was Moxxie appearing as a moving drawing.

 

“I simply following your orders,” the doodle drawing exclaimed in a posh accent. “It isn’t my fault if your orders are as nonsensical as a sun tanning bed left out on the cold draining porch of a fresh April shower.”

 

Blitzo stood up and glared at doodle Moxxie.

 

“Why are you talking like that? What the fuck does that even mean?”

 

The doodle Moxxie shifted back and forth from Moxxie’s real face back to the moving sketch. “I am simply speaking Satan’s plain English. Perhaps you should crack open a dictionary sometime and then maybe you can understand half of the frivolous things I carry on and on all about…”

 

Doodle Moxxie talked on and on as the ink spirals circled dangerously above him like hungry liquid vultures.

 

“Shut up!” Blitzo bellowed at doodle Moxxie.

 

 “In fact, my dear boss, you don’t know what you’re doing half the time and you depend on me and the Misses to manage your foolish flights of fancy!”

 

Blitzo fumed and dodged brown sludge flying at him. “I don’t need you, I can do this shit on my own…so easily!”

 

Brown ink strands wrapped around Blitzo’s neck, choking him and tossing him to the ground. A shadow loomed over him and a grinning brown hued Striker appeared. His eyes were yellow with green circles moving in a hypnotizing pattern.

 

With an evil grin, Striker spoke in a distorted echo, “But you don’t want to do things alone, do ya Blitzo?!”

 

Brown strands gagged Blitzo again and two of them tossed Blitzo up in the air. A crazed voice cackled in his ear.

 

“You tried the solo act, it didn’t work out so well!”

 

A black and white cartoon Robo Fizz/Fizzarolli appeared near his face, with big wide eyes, sharp teeth and a snake tongue. “Hahahahaha!” Fizz did a maniacal distorted robotic laugh, before twirling his whole body and tossing Blitzo to the inky ground. He felt brief regret for not staying at the circus and resented the clown for outshining him as a star.

 

Blitzo coughed up in the filth before the pink ink morphed into Verosika Mayday from behind him. He turned around and saw her crawling toward him on all fours. Her hair was straight and white and she wore a short dark blue dress, white arm gloves and white leggings. Pink slime covered her hair, wings, body, and face, congealing near the bottom of her hair. Her eyes glowed red with yellow sclera with long eyelashes. She had a black heart and dark tear-like makeup on her face.

 

Blitzo had a pained look on his face as he crawled backwards.

 

Verosika also spoke with a distorted warped voice. “Yet you still shove away anyone who gets too close until they resent you for being a selfish shitty shit fuck!”

 

Verosika cupped Blitzo’s face hard and her eyes flared with moving white Xs against orange. She bared her sharp teeth. Although they had broken up, Blitzo felt a twang of guilt at his past selfish actions. If he hadn’t used Verosika’s credit card on horse riding lessons, slept with her casually, made her pay for the hotel room…even if he could have let her have the parking spot…

 

They had bonded over performing in the circus ages ago. Back when both were working to survive and make a living. Then Verosika grew famous, drunk and stalked humans and other weaker beings with her succubus gang. Over time, both of them grew more selfish and careless. They led vastly different lives, never mind they were two different species. 

 

Blitzo glanced around and shoved Verosika away. He scrambled away from the hallucination images of his rivals. Pushing people away had been a survival mechanism he learned early on. It had started with his stern asshole of a father and remained a part of him to this day.

 

But…the past was the past…he had to get away from it. Always.

 

 

Just then, Blitzo saw a marvelous bizarre sight. A heavenly white staircase with gold decorative handles appeared in a ray of sunlight. Blitzo raced up as fast as he could as his rivals stood and looked on. Black ink stained the stairs and white feathers with golden auras fluttered down.

 

Blitzo rammed his head into an invisible force as the feathers appeared to make the ink stains vanish in white light up the stairs. Looking up, he saw two shadowy silhouettes of himself fan a seated figure. They held fans of large feathers that looked a lot like Stella’s head of feathery hair.

 

“Are you afraid to love people, Blitzy?” asked an ethereal voice.

 

The fans parted to reveal Stolas in all his regal horny glory. He was seated on a throne, the back seat of it white with purplish pokka dots. A gold crown was on the top of the throne, flanked by golden wing designs. The throne armrests were also golden and in the shape of owl heads. Stolas lounged his long legs on one of the armrests. Stolas looked the same as usual, with his long tattered robe, pointed gold crown and black top hat with two additional red eyes.

 

Blitzo gasped as Stolas narrowed his eyes in pleasure. As he crawled up the stairs, a floating feather morphed into a golden manacle on his wrist. Another golden manacle appeared on his other wrist. His clothes returned to his normal work outfit. As he stood up and reached the top, he flinched as another golden manacle appeared around his neck. Stolas let out a naughty grin as he pulled Blitzo toward him on a golden chain like a leashed pet.

 

Stolas pulled Blitzo by his side and into his lap. Stolas had two fingers on Blitzo’s chin, Blitzo with an uncertain look on his face.

 

Stolas was a fallen angel after all, hence the angelic imagery. The owl prince was both a caring figure, a light in his life…but also a horny obsessed tyrant. To Blitzo, Stolas saw him as a sex toy to be used…but also wondered if Stolas truly cared about him. Could Stolas, Loona, Moxxie and Millie be his heaven in hell?

 

Just then, Moxxie’s posh voice echoed again.

 

 “I believe your self-conscience is telling you that you cannot simply fathom proper intimacy, but also crave it well. It’s rather unfortunate sir, considering it’s often how you treat those who stand by you…such as myself!”

 

One by one, Blitzo’s villain rivals vanished into sludge and departed and the doodle Moxxie morphed in a flash of light…into a princess!

 

“Are you worried I may have enough of it one day as well?”

 

Moxxie held up a pink fan and wore a Victorian style periwinkle dress with a pink bow on the front, puffy sleeves and a high collar at the back. His dress sparkled as he strut up the steps with an unimpressed look.

 

Blitzo had enough. “Stop fucking talking, all of you!”

 

Moxxie scowled and flipped his fan closed in annoyance. He then vanished away in golden light. Stolas smiled one last time before he too, vanished into golden ink light. The throne and stairs and white plants morphed away as well. Blitzo looked up and saw a hurricane-like spiral of the colorful ink stains in the sky.

 

“You’re going to die alone,” Stolas lamented to Blitzo.

 

“You’re gonna die alone!” chanted demonic voices.

 

The voices echoed and chanted in chilling voices as Blitzo’s world turned upside down and inside out. He was surrounded by molten dark gold, the feathers sticking onto him. The spirals swirled tauntingly above him, distorted voices chanting, “You’re gonna die alone!” More feathers stuck to him, covering his mouth, restraining him, choking him…suffocating him. The world turned crimson red.

 

“You’re gonna die alone, Blitzo! Hahahaha!”

 

Blitzo opened his mouth wide, fangs barred in desperation…

 

…before all went black.

 

0 0 0

 

A camera showed Blitzo and Moxxie sitting with their eyes closed. The last of the fumes whiffed away through the vents. The imps’ heads began to clear. They slowly opened their eyes, looking sullen.

 

“Do you remember what you said to me after my first day with the company?” Moxxie asked Blitzo.

 

“Not really.”

 

“I remember. You told me I did a good job,” said Moxxie. “And that you were proud to work with me. I felt like you wanted to say something more judgmental, but…you said that because I needed it.” Moxxie turned his head to look at Blitzo. “And it helped.”

 

Blitzo stared downcast. “Look, I’m hard on you because I know what you’re capable of, Mox. You care too much about what everyone thinks except for…me because you know my opinion is correct…”

 

Moxxie narrowed his eyes.

 

“…but just keep doing a good job, ‘kay? You shoot and kill good. You escape things easy. You can be strategic and cold-blooded when you need to. And don’t expect any more compliments. I’m maxed out.”

 

Moxxie smiled. “Thank you, sir.”

 

“You know my name. Use it.”

 

“Thanks, Blitz.”

 

A crash and loud thud was heard. Millie crashed through the ceiling, landing on her feet. Moxxie stared with an open mouth. “There’s my Millie!” Millie raced over to the smiling relieved imps and quickly untied them. Millie and Moxxie embraced, touching heads.

 

“Impressive work, Mils,” Blitzo remarked. “How’d you get here all by yourself?”

 

Loona then smashed into the room, carrying a battered Agent Two. Blitzo gasped in disbelief, hands on his head.

 

“Loony?!”

 

“Get your asses out of here before more fuckers show up!” Loona barked as she tossed Agent Two aside. She landed in front of the group and dropped a backpack, now back in hellhound form.

 

Moxxie, Millie and Blitzo grinned as they retrieved extra guns from their backpack. Agent One pressed on a button and an alarm blared. Hordes of agents appeared in the room, all wearing dark suits, glasses and carrying a wide array of weapons. A woman with a throwing star, a bearded man with a hook and chain, a guy with a katana. Soon, I.M.P. was surrounded on all sides. The group posed in a fighting stance, pistols, ax and teeth at the ready.

 

“Okay,” Blitzo called. “I’ve had one too many emotions for today.” He turned to his crew. “Guys, let’s fuck these fuckers up!!”

 

Blitzo twirled his flintlock pistol and Moxxie grinned with his two guns. The bearded man made the first move with his kursarigama. In a flash, Loona grabbed the blade in her mouth, yanking the chain hard. She tossed the bearded man aside before dodging a red haired woman agent with a double bladed spear. With the chain, Loona maneuvered around and sliced the woman’s throat. With graceful moves, Loona twirled the chain weapon and wrapped it around another man’s neck. She then yanked his head off in a gory mess.

 

Millie jumped into the air, twirled her weapon and sliced a guy in half. Another guy with a sword rushed at her, but she sliced off his arms and then his legs. Dodging a star, she raced toward another man with a naginata sword, cutting him in half too. Another head of a man was lost to Millie’s ax. Millie laughed like a maniac as she twirled her weapon some more.

 

Meanwhile, Blitzo and Moxxie were firing bullets from their respective weapons at the surrounding agents.

 

“Mox, cover me!” Blitzo called.

 

“Yes, sir!” Moxxie replied.

 

They fired some more and Blitzo held a sharp green dagger in hand, landing on another agent. He twirled in the air and flipped, slashing at an agent.

 

“Eat my ass!” yelled Blitzo.

 

At one moment, with his cell phone with a pink “Thot Patrol” on it, Blitzo took a selfie with another agent before ripping off his head. Moxxie beat another agent with his gun. With his sniper rifle, Blitzo fired some more, the shots echoing across the already chaotic space. Blitzo tossed the rifle to Moxxie, who blew up a guy’s head and then shot another guy.

 

Blitzo and Moxxie nodded to each other and then charged again. Blitzo fired from atop Loona’s back while Loona karate-kicked another guy with a sword. She leapt forward and gnawed her teeth into his head and throat, shaking him like a wolf shakes its prey. She then tossed the body aside before firing from a lavender gun with a skull on it. “Die, motherfuckers!”

 

Blitzo stared at her with happy tears in his eyes and embraced her in a hug.

 

“What?” she asked confused.

 

“Oh I’m just so damn proud of you, Loony!” Blitzo exclaimed lovingly, nuzzling his face into hers and giving her a kiss on the cheek. Loona seethed and rolled her eyes as Blitzo raced off. “Bye, sweetie!”

 

Loona grunted loudly in frustration, biting another agent in his head and tossing him through the air, knocking into another agent.

 

“Watch out!” Loona yelled.

 

Millie twirled her ax, slicing three agents at the same time. Blitzo waved at Millie and she waved back.

 

“Hey, Mill!”

 

“Hiya, Blitz! Just one sec!” she drawled as she fought some more. Millie slid forward and killed four more agents.

 

“Do you need a gun or anything?” Blitzo asked Millie, holding a rifle.

 

“Nah, I’m good!” she replied before dashing off to continue her massacre. She tossed a guy in the air and tore him to pieces with a fast spin of her ax. She jumped forward and crushed the neck of a blonde female agent with her powerful legs and thigh.

 

“How about some water?” Blitzo asked as Millie choked the life out of the blonde woman.

 

“Sure!” Millie replied cheerfully, opening her mouth. From a small bottle, Blitzo poured water into her mouth and she swallowed in satisfaction. She broke the neck of the woman and the head fell off.

 

“Thanks, Blitz!”

 

Blitzo pat her on the head. “No problemy, Millie-Billie!”

 

Blitzo let out a sinister grin, two guns posed and said in a low demonic voice to the agents, “Now who wants some quality time with daddy?”

 

Blitzo rushed forward, jumped onto an agent and fired from both guns at the same time. He shot off all their heads and then the head of the agent he was on. He did a graceful double flip in the air, shooting two agents in midair before doing a graceful landing.

 

Whack!

 

One fatal hit from a baseball bat from Blitzo to an agent’s core knocked him dead.

 

“Fore!”

With a grin, he smacked a bomb with the bat like a baseball, watching several agents explode in the distance.

 

Agent One and Agent Two ran for cover and covered their ears as the explosion rang out from behind them. A body of an agent fell in front of them, a sword fell and impaled the chest. They gasped in terror.

 

“Why, God, why are we only using weapons from Japan’s Edo Period?!” asked Agent One.

 

“Hey, the Edo Period was badass and you know it!” Agent Two remarked, grabbing him by his suit.

 

“Damn it, you’re right!”

 

“Look out!” cried Agent Two, as she pulled them both to the floor.

 

Both of them crouched down on their bellies, inching away from the battle as I.M.P. fought. Both of them shared a look and inched forward with their elbows. They flinched in disgust as a head rolled in front of them. They saw Millie grinning evilly after cutting off another head. They flinched as two arms and two legs flew in the air. Moxxie kicked another guy, yelling “Bitches!” before shooting three more atop a pile of bodies. He did warrior yells before Blitzo appeared. Moxxie did another scream of surprise. His weapon fell from his hands and shot an agent in the groin.

 

“Hey Mox!” Blitzo called. He looked.

 

“Oh wow, really going for the dick there, ain’t’cha?” Blitzo asked. “Here, I got it for ya!” Blitzo sliced the agent’s penis with a knife. He handed Moxxie the backpack. “Now hold this.”

 

After rummaging through, Blitzo pulled out a large dark rocket launcher with the words “My Dick” on it.

 

“Oh yeah! Getting hard holdin’ this motherfucker! Hahaha!”

 

The rocket fired, shooting a pink torpedo with an evil grin that read “Pussy Destroyer” on it.

 

Ka- Boom!

 

The torpedo exploded, taking out five more agents. The room filled with dark smothering smoke and the metallic scent of blood was overpowering.

 

“Oh crumbs! Is everyone okay?” called Moxxie.

 

Blitzo stepped onto Moxxie and cheered, arms in the air. “Woooo! How’s that for demon scum?!”

 

A broken screen monitor only showed shards of glass at the top stained with blood. A drop fell to the ground. Behind the counter, Agent Two nodded at Agent One. Agent One slammed his fist against a red button under a “Red Button” label. The glass broke and the button glowed red. An alarm blared and the rooms turned an eerie red. The glass light on the wall flashed red, on and off.

 

“Oh shit! C’mon on, fam, let’s blow this cock-iscle joint!” Blitzo called.

 

Moxxie and Millie smiled lovingly at each other again before following Blitzo. Loona raced ahead before ramming into two double doors that automatically closed. Her wide-eyed face was visible through the door hole. Loona screamed “Hey!” as a metal grate slammed down. Then a metal door slammed shut, and then two slots locked in another opening and a bunch of red security lasers appeared and finally, two restroom doors closed with “vacant” turning to “occupied” on the handle and labels of men and women with fancy hairdos.

 

Moxxie banged on the door. “Quick! The book!” he called to Loona. Loona growled and squinted.

 

“Shit,” she muttered. “I can’t…I can’t read the spell in this light!” She slammed her knuckle on the page and squinted her canine eyes. “I can’t see dick!”

 

For the first time, Loona and the others had fearful looks on their faces.

 

“Well shit! Looks like we milked this weapon dick dry and now we’re out of badassery.” Blitzo groaned.

 

“Ha! You demons aren’t going anywhere now!” Agent Two laughed as she and Agent One aimed their guns. The crew growled at them.

 

“Ah!”

 

Suddenly, a multi-eyed shadow growled and appeared high on the wall. It appeared to morph from Blitzo’s imp shadow. The agents lowered their weapons and glanced around. A screen fuzzed to static near them, showing a grainy image of something plowing through the metal door. The screen shook then clicked off. A pair of glowing red eyes appeared in the screen reflection.

 

One by one, the screens snapped off from the pipes and wires, crashing to the floor. A chilling voice whispered…

 

“Who dares threaten my impish little plaything?”

 

“Who said that?!” Agent One demanded, aiming his gun at the ceiling.

 

  Faint bird prints appeared on the linoleum tile floor, near I.M.P. Agent One aimed his weapon but a screen crashed into his head, knocking him down. He glanced over at Agent Two, who stood in a very strange manner. She was moving her head rapidly from side to side, her arms slack at her sides.

 

“Agent Two?” he quavered in fear.

 

Her face was contorted in pain, her mouth open in an angular shape. Her hands cupped her cheeks and her eyes were wide with red irises. Behind her, the bodies of other agents rose, their eyes sunken black, faces blank. Agent One extended a shaking hand toward her…

 

She whirled around and Agent One screamed as he flinched back. Her eyes took up much of her face and she bore a wide sinister grin with sharp white teeth. Veins popped out on her skin and eyes. She cracked her neck a few times.

 

“What’s the matter, demon hunter? Never seen a real demon before?”

 

Her voice was intermingled with a darker voice and appeared to be distorted. As Agent Two let out a demonic laugh, Agent One noticed the mindless agent bodies, eyes black and empty, drawing Stolas’ sigil in their red blood around her feet. They were creating it at breath-taking speed. Before long, Agent Two fell to her knees and a gush of black energy rose from her mouth. Agent Two, now free from the possession, coughed, black liquid around her mouth. Her eyes were wide in fear as she gasped at the horrific sight before her. Feathers fell around her.

 

Blitzo and the others watched as a huge shadowy bird slowly rose over them, dark feathers dripping red. Its body was interlaced with what appeared to be red liquid energy that merged with its body like lava. Two demonic red eyes stared back at them, while its mouth displayed a gaping beak with five sharp claw-like appendages on either side of it.

 

The two agents cowered together in fear on their knees as the towering owl demon owl beast roared at them with a terrible screech. They covered their eyes as the monster showed four glowing red eyes on its face and a gaping open mouth with little sharp teeth on the sides. Its feathery body was silhouetted in the crimson light, as was its talon feet.

 

With a swoop, the beast diminished in size, twirling in a spiral until revealing the angry four eyed regal figure of Stolas. He glared down at the cowering agents before turning on his heels. Stolas pushed a button and all the doors unlocked, the red light fading.

 

Stolas walked over to the group, his eyes glowing under the flickering florescent light. His face was in shadow before a light revealed it.

 

“Stolas?!” gasped Blitzo in disbelief. “Wha-hold on, how did you know we needed help?”

 

Stolas smiled and lowered to Blitzo’s level. “I have my ways, darling,” he mused. He cupped Blitzo’s cheeks gently. “Are you alright?”

 

“Ugh, I’m fine, Stolas,” Blitzo muttered.

 

Stolas pat his head. “Mm. Good.”

 

Then he roughly grabbed Blitzo’s cheek, eyes blaring in anger. “How the fuck did you get caught by humans?!” He then stepped back and addressed the crew. “Are you little creatures not being careful up here?” He booped Blitzo in the nose. “You know, if you get in trouble, I get in trouble. We don’t want that!” He pinched Blitzo’s cheek hard and he glared.

 

“They caught us off guard, your highness!” Moxxie exclaimed.

 

“Yeah, you can unclench your bird-puss, Stolas, it’s not gonna happen again, okay?” Blitzo remarked.

 

“Luckily for you, most don’t believe the word of the demon-obsessed lunatics,” Stolas mentioned. He bent down toward the shaking agents in the corner. “They are seen as kooks!”

 

Stolas stood up and giggled. “Kooks! Such a silly word.”

 

Stolas clapped his hands. “Now! Let us all return!” He spread his hands as if opening a curtain and blue light appeared around a portal. The I.M.P. office lay before them.

 

“Yes please!” Moxxie said. “I’d like to get back to the correct hellhole as soon as possible.”

 

Moxxie then glanced back at the cowardly agents and a look of concern came to his face.

 

“Wait...don’t you guys think we should kill off those agents first? Or at least wipe the camera feed?"

 

“Nah,” said Blitzo. “We won that fight.”

 

“Seriously! Why are they still there?! We’ll get in trouble once humans know about our existence…”

 

“Come on, Mox!” Millie called, dragging the protesting imp through the portal by his hand. Stolas, indeed figured that the two agents were not worth his time…but Blitzo certainly was.

 

Loona carried the grimoire through. Stolas scooped up Blitzo in his arms before he could walk further.

 

“Am I going to get any thank you for the rescue, Blitzy?” Stolas asked.

 

“Well, I suppose you should. Want me to fuck your brains out tonight?” Blitzo replied.

 

Stolas beamed, eyes briefly closed in bliss. “Very much so.”

 

“Alright,” said Blitzo with a chuckle, caressing Stolas’ head. “But you’re keeping quiet or I’m using those bear traps!”

 

He ran a slow finger down Stolas’ feathery neck and the owl prince shivered and sighed in delight. His face was beat red as he said in lust, “Oh, please do.” Blitzo and Stolas then merged their mouths together, their long tongues intersecting and dancing in a passionate French-kiss.

 

The two agents stood and stared in disbelief as the portal closed and the blue light vanished, a blue compass symbol blinking away.

 

“So what now?” asked Agent Two.

 

“What now?!” Agent One beamed with his hands out. “We finally got the evidence we needed to be taken seriously!”

 

With a swoop of his hand, he cleared a space in front of him. Among the ruined bloodstained pipes, he typed rapidly on a keyboard. Four camera screens lit up after static appeared. The first one showed Blitzo and Moxxie fighting the agents, the second one displayed Millie fighting with her ax. The third showed Loona fighting a guy with a curved sword and the fourth showed in red, Stolas appearing in his demon form, the agents cowering.

 

Under the flickering rectangular ceiling light, the two agents smiled and put on their sunglasses at the same time.

 

Agent One paused the screens, showing the faces of a smiling Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie with an ax, Loona with teeth barred and a regal Stolas in battle. The screens faded as “no signal” appeared on them in green.  

 

“Nobody in corporate is ignoring this,” said Agent One before letting out a dark evil laugh.