C.H.E.R.U.B Slice of Life

 

Several days before the events of Helluva Boss’ “C.H.E.R.U.B.” 

 

 

Cletus, Keenie and Collin lounged in their spotless office in a giant harp-shaped building. The skyscraper building with a golden harp and strings as part of the design was C.H.E.R.U.B. headquarters. An exhausted Collin sank back on a nearby sofa, massaging his cloven wrist after several hours of completing paperwork. On a nearby white board, “God loves you,” “Be a sheep, not a creep,” and “Live a Life of Love” was written in various colored marker. Keenie had written “Damnation to all demons” in cursive on one corner of the board. The ginger-haired Cletus drank quietly from a white mug that read “God’s Faithful Disciple Is Also Your #1 Boss.” Keenie fluffed up her yellow frilly dress and straightened her red hair bow.

 

Collin smiled and handed Keenie two white roses. Keenie smiled back and took them, thinking about how adorable Collin looked.

 

“Why…do I have to fill out…all the paperwork?” Collin asked between breaths as he rested.

 

“Because you’re the best at it and you’re also pretty much a wuss everywhere else,” Keenie replied with a grin. Collin’s face turned red.

 

“That’s n-n-not very nice,” Collin replied with a stutter. “I may have been a recorder of the faiths and sins of humans for a while but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get old fast…which it does!”

 

“Oh stop it with your jittering,” Keenie replied with a roll of her large eyes. “Count yourself lucky that you’re part of a group dedicated to bettering the lives of those humans!”

 

“Indeed I am,” Collin said. He recited one of his favorite passages, one that he lived by daily:

 

“’Love means living the way God commanded us to live. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is this: Live a life of love.’” John 1:6 (NCV). I do love humans…Except when they’re mean and s-s-sinful and stuff.”

 

“Either way, it’s our job,” Cletus said as he slurped his mug of iced coffee. “Don’t forget about our recent assignment we completed.”

 

“Dolly Dolores was the woman that angel requested us to bless,” Keenie said. “Thankfully it was easy to do. She’s been donating to Evangelical churches all across the U.S. Now she will live a good life and be guaranteed access to Heaven!”

 

Cletus added, “And Samuel Hawkins, inventor of modern technology to help with inter-dimensional communication. We thought global communication on Earth was impressive enough. Now we can easily call and chat with anyone in Heaven, Earth or Hell…at least, God and a few elite can in regard to the inferior realms.”

 

Collin pondered. “Does that explain why Heaven commercials sometimes appear in Hell?”

 

Cletus nodded. “Yep! Gotta bring hope to family members, even to those who have sinned. One of his inventions, Vivoom (Our online Zoom communication) was sponsored by a technology demon named Vox. He was always a fan of V names.”

 

Collin looked uneasy. “Why have I heard that name before…”

 

“We angels are given lists of dangerous demons and their traits so we can briefly study them in case they decide to attack,” Keenie said. “Of course, they’d have to go through the Exorcists first; they wouldn’t dare. One shot from angelic weapons and they’re devil dust!”

 

Keenie rammed her fist against her palm.

 

“We also bless the poor, right?” Collin asked. “I don’t recall her being very nice to the homeless.”

 

“Not as often,” Cletus said. “Usually the ones we get requests for are white human males who are family members or role models for said angel client. Often times they’re famous…and sometimes stupid.”

 

“So…we can’t just go down and bless those who truly deserve it?” Collin whispered.

 

“Nope,” Keenie declined with a wave of her hoof. “A mission is a mission. Whoever our client says we need to bless, we do it. No matter how selfish or stupid they may be. It not only keeps our clients happy but it also (hopefully) encourages the human to do good so that one day, they may arrive here in Heaven, ready to love and cherish God. Thus our civilization can thrive and grow, and all those filthy demons down below can eventually meet their end in divine hands.”

 

Her eyes briefly glowed and small eyes appeared on her wings before she quickly returned to her regular self. She smirked at Collin’s fearful face.

 

Collin shivered. “I hate it when you go to your Angel Form.”

 

“You should try it sometime. All types of angels and demons can do it. Perhaps it’ll make you less of a soft coward.”

 

“D-don’t you call me a coward!” Then he added, “I don’t think that’s how it works. Only saints, sinners and the elite can fully transform.”

 

“Hmph. Says how much you know.”

 

“That’s enough guys,” Cletus spat at his employees. “You’re interrupting my contemplation of paradise and life.” Cletus stared at a picture on the wall of a smiling white man dressed in a white top hat with a gold cross on it. His eyes were obscured under his hat. A plaque down below read, “He watches us, always.”

 

“Is that God?” Collin asked.

 

“Who else would it be?” Cletus shrugged. 

 

“Doesn’t look like him. Isn’t he just dressed up? Surely that’s not his true form.”

 

“You don’t know what his true form looks like,” Keenie said.

 

“Neither do you.”

 

“I don’t care what form he takes,” Cletus replied. “As long as we follow his Word and the Word of our Lord Jesus Christ, things will go smoothly. Remember what he said recently: “Surround yourself with people who’ll lift you up…’”

 

“’…so ditch the ones you cannot use,’” Keenie finished. “Makes sense to me.”

 

“Hold up!” Collin said, flying up in front of them. The other cherubs stood up and hovered in place. “I don’t think God would encourage us to ditch friends who won’t help us get to the top. He’d surely want all of us to love one another and live simple lives. Plus, that’s not even His actual quote! I read the Bible a bazillion times!”

 

“But it was explicitly stated on the sign,” Keenie argued. “With an orangeish face to prove it!”

 

“I think it was a prank,” Collin stated, crossing his arms.

 

“We’ve all learned that to glorify God, we must support and beautify our community,” Cletus explained. “Back in the 2000s, I founded C.H.E.R.U.B. on behalf of God to bless his favorite creation: man. Plus even though we live in a comfy cloudy Cherub Towne, we still need to get by. Money is money. Extravagance and respect is our ideal.”

 

Collin narrowed his eyes.

 

“A pretentious, showy life is an empty life; a plain and simple life is a full life.” Proverbs 13:7 (Msg)

 

Keenie looked in approval at Collin.

 

He continued. “Technically, our Father hasn’t formerly endorsed our organization,” Collin reminded them. “In fact, I think it’s illegal for angels to interact with mortals unless it’s a divine mission or an emergency...”

 

“It’s always an emergency here!” Cletus declared, flying into Collin’s face, causing the periwinkle sheep cherub to flinch back, flying into a chair and knocking it over. Bobble heads of Keenie and Collin spun around on the large white table as it briefly shook. Cletus quickly picked them up and put them in his large overall pocket.

 

Cletus blushed a bit as his companions gave him looks.

 

“Oh come on, Collin,” Keenie said. “We’re cherubs! No one would automatically suspect any lower-class citizens sneaking off to earth. That was also Cletus’ idea.” Cletus beamed with a thumbs up at Keenie and Collin.

 

“Besides,” Keenie added, “It’s only natural for us to want the best in Heaven. Recognition, money, wealth, glory. For our happiness will result in God’s joy.”

 

“Well…if you say so,” Collin said. Then he muttered, “But it still feels like greed…and if we were to get caught making a mistake…” He shuddered again.

 

“C.H.E.R.U.B. never makes mistakes!” Cletus declared. “It’s in our name: Cherishing Human Existence, Releasing Unlimited Blessings.” 

 

“I don’t think that’s what the acronym…”

 

“No one cares what you think, Collin!” Keenie added, elbowing Collin who winced. 

 

“Oh God, Keenie…”

 

“And don’t use His name in vain!”

 

“Enough!” Cletus bellowed. “Your petty arguments are getting us nowhere. For once, let a seasoned cherub have some peace and quiet!”

 

“Says you, whiny baby,” Keenie said. “You’re not even a proper animal cherub!”

 

“Oh yeah? Then what are those strange visible lumps on your chest, Keenie?”

 

Keenie briefly looked down at her breasts and turned light red. “So inappropriate, Cletus!” she seethed with a “baa.”

 

Cletus smirked. “I know, but you still got a kick outta that.”

 

“Oh, you want a kick? I’ll show you…”

 

Before Keenie could kick her companions in the groins (she was looking at Collin too), a large computer and screen on the table flickered to life. “Incoming call” was displayed on the screen as the Jesuskype (Jesus themed Skype) logo appeared. Cletus tapped the “accept” button.

 

A white sheep cherub named Rachel appeared on the light blue screen, a black cross necklace around her neck, her hands folded in prayer. The three cherubs stood in front of the computer screen and folded their hands. They did little respectful bows as signs of greeting.

 

“Greetings, fellow cherubs,” Rachel smiled. “How are you all today?”

 

“We’re doing good,” Keenie said, delighted to see their fellow friends.

 

Another sheep, Beau, appeared on the screen, licking a rainbow lollipop that had been grown like a tree. “Baaaack to work, I see?”

 

“The usual,” Cletus remarked, puffing out his chest in pride. “’Need someone to bless and love in the living world? Come to C.H.E.R.U.B.!’”

 

“You don’t need to memorize the words on our billboard, Cletus,” Keenie whispered in his ear.

 

“It never hurts,” Cletus whispered back before turning back to the screen. 

 

Beside Rachel, two yellow and orange bumblebee angels appeared with smiles on their faces.

 

“Bea! Honey!” Collin exclaimed to the two bee angels. “How’ve you been?”

 

“Busy, busy!” Bea buzzed happily. “My siblings and I are flying to and fro to different heavenly flowers, making sure they stay pollinated and healthy.”

 

“And I work with a special group to create heavenly honey to help feed families,” Honey explained. “Every bee works in their own honeycomb section. We send the substances we make to our Queen Bee CEO for review and then it gets sent off to the other Halos (districts like the Hell Rings) for the denizens to enjoy.”

 

Cletus was glad he didn’t have to worry about any production or farm work. Although many cherubs enjoyed doing their services to the higher up saints and angels, it was still tedious (and not enough desired pay to begin with).

 

“Sounds very productive,” Collin mentioned.

 

“It keeps us on our wings, that’s for sure,” said Bea. “So happy to be able to meet with other amazing cherubs.”

 

“You ever feel lonely?” Collin asked.

 

“Sometimes,” Bea said. “I love my heavenly family a lot. One of my friends Bumble is a bee angel, a former human.” Bea leaned in and whispered, “I heard his cousins got sent to Hell. That’s why God won’t let him see them ever again.”

 

The cherubs gasped in horror, hooves and hands covering their mouths.

 

“How awful!” Keenie whimpered.

 

“It’s true,” Bea said, flying back. “Bumble told me that Stinger, Wasp, and Buzza turned into wasp and hornet demons in Hell! Stinger was a murder hornet…literally. Wasp was greedy and kept everything for himself, and Buzza? Well, she’s what many called, a ‘whore-net.’”

 

The cherubs gasped again…Beau fainted in Rachel’s arms. Rachel comforted her companion and laid her down on a cloud. She turned back to the camera and laughed nervously. “She’ll be fine, she’ll be fine.”

 

There was an awkward silence.

 

“Anyway,” Rachel said, “My boyfriend Jacob and I are doing alright. Interesting story: one of Jacob’s old friends decided it would be funny to test his shapeshifting abilities. His friend is a mighty lion named Solael who likes to carry little cherubs around. Anyway, this angelic lion transformed into a sheep and offered himself as a sacrifice to a bunch of royal guards. (This was so he, Jacob and myself could sneak into the palace and try to catch a glimpse of Metatron at work. Jacob’s a bit of a fanatic.) Any-who, the plan didn’t work very well and we were kicked out before we could reach the doors. Solael transformed back into his Aslan form and scared off the guards, allowing us to escape. Solael bellowed, ‘Behold! My revived and true form!’ He appeared to be poorly imitating Jesus to many bystanders. As punishment, Solael was made to turn invisible every time someone looked at him (though God and a few others could see him.) Thus, he’s not as prideful anymore.”

 

“Whoa,” said Cletus with a laugh. “And they say I’m full of myself.”

 

“Last I heard of Solael, he had solemnly stated, ‘I wish I could’ve worked as secretary for C.H.E.R.U.B.’”

 

Cletus, Collin and Keenie burst into laughter. “Likely story!” Cletus chortled, his halo swaying from side to side as he caught his breath. “Being invisible doesn’t allow you to keep a job!”

 

“Ah,” Rachel sighed in content. “Good times. Say, C.H.E.R.U.B., wanna hang out with us at Christ Circle in Holy City? The Laughing Lambs will be telling jokes.”

 

“Lame,” Keenie yawned. “And don’t get me started on all those bands that feature sheep and babies playing on harps and trumpets. Gets old fast.”

 

Rachel grinned. “For the edgier types, there’s the Seraph’s Wrath. They do rock music and White Metal, and they swear behind the curtain. Perhaps Jacob can smuggle in some Cloud Nine Wine for us.”

 

Keenie grinned, “I’m in!”

 

“Ooh, ooh!” Collin beamed, light purple eyes shining, pushing slightly in front of Keenie. “I can bring angel food cake and God-opoly! Or if you’re into cards, I have the classic Go Ichthys!” Then he said in a sing-song voice, “We could even do a sleepover!”

 

He looked at Keenie and blushed with a wink. The yellow winged sheep merely raised an eyebrow at his ridiculousness. Just then…

 

“Yeeeaaahh no! No, no, no.”

 

“Oh no!” Rachel groaned at the familiar voice, looking off to the side. “Deerie’s coming back!”

 

“Gotta look prompt, look prompt!” Bea exclaimed, going into a quick salute.

 

“Oh, her?” Keenie rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Naysayer doe-doe deer is just jealous of our many accomplishments.”

 

“She should write in her records, ‘C.H.E.R.U.B. saves mortals again, kicks the divine derriere of patronizing Deerie,’” Cletus said.

 

The other cherubs snickered.

 

“Rachel!” Deerie called. “Be sure you’re doing your rounds and not talking to those trouble-making wannabe sheep! Our reports must be perfect as usual. Wouldn’t want anyone, especially me to notice any slacking off, hehehehe!”

 

“Ahhh, we gotta go!” Rachel cried, her eyes wide. “Don’t want to make our other friend mad. Can you make it later? Saturday?”

 

“Saturday’s a holy day!” Collin said.

 

“Only for Jews,” Cletus said. “Sunday’s our holy day.”

 

“Sure it wasn’t Friday?”

 

“Collin…”

 

“We’ll do a sun-check,” Cletus replied.

 

“Don’t you mean rain check?” Collin asked.

 

Keenie slapped Collin in the face a few times as hearts briefly appeared in his eyes.

 

“May God bless you all! Goodbye!” Rachel called before the screen went blank.

 

The office was silent once more.

 

“That was…interesting,” Collin said, straightening his white bow tie. “Anyone wanna listen to my ‘Human Happiness Should Take Priority Over Our Material Benefits’ speech?”

 

“Get back to work, sheep!” Cletus and Keenie bellowed in response.

 

“O-okay…” Collin stuttered, sitting at the desk and rummaging through the last of the paperwork stacks.

 

“Don’t forget, we film our new commercial tomorrow,” said Cletus. “On Earth at 7:00AM sharp. Be prepared to sing our jingle.”

 

“And try not to get mauled by wild animals,” Keenie added.

 

Collin groaned, his head banging against the desk.