Rolando Reacts to Mastermind

 

Rolando: “Oh, it’s you again, mortal? Did you bring my popcorn? Well, it doesn’t matter because I have some here. I also have some yummy meat for the show here if you’d like. Remember last time when I reacted to ‘Ghostfuckers,’ the one episode I was in? Pretty fun until I had to watch my…uh…shocking death from those bastard ass imps. Now I’m stuck in the double dead state with my own thoughts. It’s incredibly agonizing, not to mention boring to watch your memories again and again…no new content, no delicious new fears to feast on.

 

I guess it’s time to react to another episode? Why the fuck not. This one is called ‘Mastermind,’ and it has my boss in it, the two-headed Queen Leviathan. She’s the one who sent me to Earth to infest the humans. It also has the other Sins in it, so it should be interesting. Let’s get started then.”

 

Andrealphus’ palace shows up.

 

Rolando: “This place looks fancy and quite…cool.”

 

The imp butler pours Andrealphus a drink. He slurps his drink.

 

“Hmm…you seem to be in good spirits, today.”

 

“Oh yes!” said Stella. “Stolas has had his heart shat on by that little imp cretin he was seeing!” She giggled.

 

Rolando: “Heheheh…it would sure be great if I could read Stolas’ thoughts, too, I bet his despair would be delectable!”

 

“Oh?” Andrealphus asked, intrigued.

 

“Yes, I believe he has finally learnt that that filthy little beast was only using him to gain access to his grimoire! Fucking moron!”

 

Stella laughed. Andrealphus spat out his drink, freezing the imp butler on the spot.

 

Rolando: *chuckles*

 

“Gain…gain access to his what?!” Andrealphus coughed.

 

“That fancy book thing,” Stella waved her hand.

 

“D-d-d-n-no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! Stolas was letting an imp use his Goetia given grimoire, and you didn’t tell me?”

 

“Why do you care?”

 

“Because! We have been trying to figure out a means to usurp your horny ex-husband’s power, and this whole time, you knew about the incredibly illegal thing he was doing, and you didn’t think it might be a good idea TO LET ME KNOW?!” Andrealphus shouted as ice crept along the tables and walls and he turned into his more demonic form.

 

“WELL DON’T YELL AT ME!” Stella yelled back before casually sipping her drink.

 

Rolando: *chuckles*

 

“Now you fucking know!”

 

Andrealphus strolled out of the room. “You…are…so lucky you are hot, Stella!”

 

Rolando: “Wait, what the fuck? Isn’t she his brother?”

 

Blitzo squeezed a toy of Moxxie and faced the four interns.

 

Rolando: “Urgh, there he is again. Man, I hate that little lowlife.”

“So, the four of you aaarre…remind me again?”

 

“We’re interns, sir!” said a white-haired imp teen. “We’re looking for cool businesses to work for!”

 

Rolando: “Here’s some advice, kid. Don’t work for I.M.P. I like human slaughter too, but not those guys. Let professional demons handle the mortals.”

 

Blitzo pushed aside the intern’s note. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what interns are, I’m not an idiot, okay? But I can’t really afford new employees at the moment.”

 

“Oh, interns work for experience, sir.”

 

“Come again?”

 

“Experience!”

 

“Ooh, you mean for free.”

“Experience?”

 

“Well, I can’t argue with free, kiddo! You’re hired!” Blitzo and the imp shook hands.

 

Moxxie burst into the room. “Sir! You need to see this!”

 

“COME OUT! WE’VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED!”

 

The dark reapers flew from an eye portal in the air.

 

Rolando: “Oh well this is new.”

 

A guard held out a scroll and I.M.P.s mugshots appeared on a holographic screen.

 

Rolando: “Ohohoho! You imps are in TROUBLE!”

 

“Employees of the illegal business I.M.P., you are hereby arrested for breaking demon law, surrender yourselves!”

 

“YOU GUYS ARE IN DEEP SHIT!”

 

Rolando: “Serves you right, I.M.P.! Have fun rotting in jail!”

 

“Blitz, what are we gonna do?” asked Moxxie.

 

“YOU CAN’T ESCAPE!”

 

Blitzo grabbed Moxxie’s face. “QUICK! HIDE EVERYTHING!”

 

Rolando: “Heheheh, good luck with that!”

 

Blitzo leaped onto Loona’s desk and exited out of her poker computer game. He pressed the ‘delete search history’ button and rapidly clicked to try and make it go faster.

 

Rolando: “You’re too late, I.M.P. It’s not gonna work.”

 

Millie crashed the computer with a swing of her battle axe.

 

Rolando: “I guess that works.”

 

Moxxie fumbled with a stack of papers.

 

“COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

 

“WE ARE GOING TO BEAT YOU!”

 

Rolando: “Yes, beat them up!”

 

“BUT ONLY A LITTLE!”

 

 

Rolando: “Aww, where’s the fun in that?!”

 

 

“THERE’S NOWHERE TO RUN, YOU LITTLE RED SHITS!”

 

Rolando: *chuckles*

 

 

“FUUUCKK!” Lonna pulled out a drawer and pocketed a picture of the group together. She poured alcohol onto the papers and tried to ignite her lighter.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

 

Millie grabbed Blitzo’s old costumes and tried to stuff them down the toilet with Blitzo’s rifle.

 

Rolando: “Urgh! Gross!”

“WE ARE GOING TO BEAT YOU! BUT-BUT ONLY A LITTLE! MAY-MAYBE A LOT!”

 

Rolando: “Yes, go ahead, I’d love to see that, please!”

 

“JUST COME OUT!”

 

Loona clicked her lighter again and Blitzo mentioned for her to hurry up.

 

“I’M TRYING! I’M FUCKING TRYING!”

 

Blitzo tossed the lighter into the drawer and a burst of flame shot up.

 

 

“THE SHREDDER IS JAMMED!” Moxxie yelled as he tried to shred a bunch of papers.

 

“THEN FIGURE IT OUT, MOXXIE!” cried Blitzo.

 

“COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

 

The imps rushed out of the office and into the hallway. They spotted the hooded guards outside, one of them looking at their watch.

 

Blitzo shoved them down just as a spiked ball shattered the window and burst into the hall, letting out red smoke that made them cough.

 

“C’mon guys,” Blitzo choked.

 

“Blitz, they will see us!” Moxxie cried.

 

“Well, we can either run or we can face the music,” Blitzo replied.

 

The hooded figures spotted four shadows coming out of the building.

 

“THERE THEY ARE!”

 

They hissed and let out black rope and pulled their captives.

 

“Uh, is this part of the job?” asked the white-haired intern imp. He and his group were tied up.

 

Rolando: *laughs*

 

The guards looked at each other and screeched. One pointed, “THERE! THE VAN!”

 

Blitzo carried Loona over his head. “Get. In. The. Van!” The I.M.P. members got in. “Hurry, hurry, hurry!”

 

Blitzo put his gold horse keychain into the slot.

 

“Okay, c’mon, c’mon, we got it.”

 

“Where are we going?” Moxxie asked.

 

 

“Anywhere but here,” Blitzo replied, turning back toward them. “Get ready for a life on the run, gang!”

 

He started up the van, but accidentally crashed into a pole.

 

Rolando: “Hahahahaha! I knew those guys were pathetic!”

 

“I fucking hate you so much, Blitz!” glowered Moxxie.

 

 

“FREEZE, CRIMINALS!” called the guards and the police training their guns on them.

 

Rolando: “Yes, yes! You guys are screwed now!”

 

The imps and Loona were bound by chains and captured.

 

Rolando: “Heheheh! The muzzle on her face! Brilliant!”

 

“Come on, guys!” Blitzo called. “This is…this is all just one big misunderstanding. Uh, is this about the orphans? ‘Cause they were already sick to begin with.”

 

“SILENCE!”

 

Rolando: “Whoa. So, there’s King Satan, the one who runs the courtroom. Definitely looks menacing here.”

 

Rolando: “See the two-headed being with the white head and the purple head? That’s my boss Queen Leviathan, the Sin of social media.”

 

Rolando: “Lucifer be right back in five minutes? Heheh, he’s been gone for years, I bet. Too preoccupied with those ex-humans in Pride.”

 

“We are here to sentence the criminal imp…Blitzo.” Satan began.

 

“A-actually sir, the ‘o’ is…” Blitzo began nervously.

 

 

Satan glared down at him and snorted close to his face in warning.

 

 

“Totally there!” Blitzo squeaked. “You nailed it, great job.”

 

 

Satan began. “You and your crew are on trial for stealing a powerful Goetic heirloom for undocumented personal use in the mortal realm. How do you plead?”

 

“N-not guilty, Your Infernal Honor,” Blitzo replied in a shaking voice. “Oh, is…is this about the book? Ha! I didn’t steal that thing! I mean, I tried, right? But since when is attempting a crime illegal? This is Hell, am I right?”

 

“Always,” Moxxie glared.

 

 

“Point is,” Blitzo continued. “It was given to me, okay? I was allowed to use it.”

 

 

“OBJECTION! LIES!!” bellowed Andrealphus. “Your Honor…”

 

 

Andrealphus waved his arm and slid down an icy slide with icicles underneath. “…speaking on behalf of my aggressive attractive sister…”

 

 

Asmodeus, Satan, Belphegor, and Beelzebub all raised their eyebrows in bewilderment.

 

Rolando: “What the actual fuck?! I know it’s Hell, but really? What kind of fucked up thoughts have you got in there, icy royal sir?!”

 

Andrealphus pointed at Blitzo. “…I must testify that this BRUTISH imp did indeed steal Stolas’ precious grimoire to use in the mortal realm. And Stolas himself not only let him, but also allowed Blitzo to force himself upon him!”

 

“HEY! I DIDN’T FORCE SHIT!” Blitzo protested before he was muted by a chain around his mouth.

 

Rolando: “That relationship was fucked up to begin with, to be fair.”

 

Andrealphus posed. “Unlike a responsible and handsome Goetic demon such as myself, Stolas was too weak and ashamed to come forward about it. To allow himself to be seduced by such a common imp, then to gleefully divorce Stella to boot…”

 

Andrealphus posed some more. “Oh, the travesty! The horrendous drama!”

 

Rolando: “UUUHHH…STOP MAKING ME HUNGRY! What I’d give for one taste of their negativity!”

 

Several royal members muttered.

 

Andrealphus strode forward and shoved Blitzo so hard that he flipped over his stone stand. “This vile hideous imp has put his kind to shame! Committing such hardened acts to GAIN THE UPPER HAND AGAINST OUR NOBLE CLASS!”

 

Rolando: “Not to mention illegally going up to Earth to mess up MY PLANS!”

 

Whispers and a few gasps echoed in the chamber.

 

“That isn’t what happened!” Moxxie protested, banging his fists against his stone stand.

 

“SILENCE!” Satan roared with a fiery snort.

 

“Um, Satan?” asked a small flying advisor demon, Yogirt, who flew near him.

 

“Sorry. W-what did we say about negative energies in our mind temple?”

 

Rolando: “So the great king has a meditation coach?” *scoffs.* “You can’t hide from your negativity forever.”

 

He folded his hands and did a meditation pose.

 

“Yeah, remember to take deeeeep breaths,” he told him.

 

Satan breathed heavily and lowered himself onto his red stone throne, doing meditative poses with his hands. “Right, yeah. Continue.” Satan waved a hand and Yogirt gave him a thumbs up.

 

Andrealphus cleared his throat and strolled across his magic ice bridge.

 

“I’d like to add, Your Honor, that in addition to his unspeakable actions with our dear beloved Stolas…”

 

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!” called Vassago. “Where is Stolas, anyway? Can’t he speak on this himself? ¿Qué carajo?” (“What the Hell?”)

 

Rolando: “Vassago, the divination guy from the Ars Goetia? W-W-Why does he speak Spanish? Why is he a parrot?!”

 

“He…” Andrealphus began, “He has not been informed of this trial.”

 

 

“Qué?” (What?)” asked Vassago, zooming toward Andrealphus on a golden flying star. “Why not? If this involves him, then he should be here, no? No puedo creer… (I can’t believe…”) We need to summon him at once!”

 

“Okaaaay, Vassago!” groaned Andrealphus. “Shut the fuck up.”

 

Vassago angrily jabbed a finger into Andrealphus’ chest. “¡No! me voy a callar pendejo arrogante!” (“No! I will NOT shut up, you arrogant idiot!”)

 

Rolando: “Yes! Fight some more and let it fester!”

 

 

Andrealphus let out his feathers in anger. “Stella and I didn’t want him put through the trauma of facing his aggressor.”

 

Vassago stomped away.

 

Andrealphus smirked, “Who might I also add…dramatic pause…” He pointed at Blitzo, “…PLOTTED TO HAVE HIM ASSASSINATED!”

 

“What?!” muffled Blitzo. The Goetia glared down at him.

 

 

Yelps and gasps rose from the crowd.

 

 

“Puta madre…”(“Motherfucker…”) Vassago swore.

 

 

Belphegor blinked around before lowering her head and falling asleep.

 

Rolando: “Belphegor, the sleepy sheep who does drugs? Surprised she’s there.”

 

 

“That wasn’t him!” Moxxie countered. “We don’t know who wanted Stolas dead, but it wasn’t Blitz!”

 

“Oh?” Andrealphus turned around. “Well…perhaps we should ask…”

 

 

He snapped his fingers, and a platform rose up from the shadows.

 

 

“…THE HITMAN HIMSELF!”

 

 

Striker grinned menacingly, posing in a white cowboy vest, dark pants, a red undershirt and a red cowboy hat. His tail rattled and he casually spit out a straw stalk in his mouth. A white scar was over his eye from the explosive attack in Greed.

 

Rolando: “WAIT…THEY LITERALLY JUST CALLED STRIKER THE HITMAN! IT’S OBVIOUS THAT STRIKER WAS THE ONE HIRED TO KILL HIM! ARE THESE ROYALS STUPID?”

 

“…who has agreed to give us his testimony in exchange for immunity,” Andrealphus finished.

 

“It was him, alright,” Striker drawled. “Paid me to kill the precious Goetia to cover up what he was doing with the uhh…”

 

Striker looked around and read words from his hand. His hand read “Gremwhore/Grim-war/Gripper/Grimage/Book/Bombproof vet after trial.”

 

“The um…”

 

Striker looked up at Andrealphus. “Line?”

 

“The grimoire!”

 

Rolando: *chuckles*

 

“Yeah, that.”

 

“WHAT?!” Blitzo spat out the muzzle over his mouth. “Look, I’m an assassin, okay? If I wanted to kill Stolas, I WOULD’VE DONE IT MYSELF A LONG TIME AGO!”

 

More cries and gasps from the crowd.

 

Rolando: “Ooooh Blitzo! Not a good choice of words! Hahahaha!”

 

 

Moxxie cried into Millie’s arms. “We’re gonna fucking die!”

 

Blitzo gasped. “Hang on, that’s not what I meant…”

 

A metal muzzle was placed over Blitzo’s mouth.

 

“What a disappointment,” Satan remarked.

 

Satan turned to the Sins and the crowd. “Why don’t we take a vote? Who wants to listen to hours of testimony?”

 

Asmodeus, Vassago, and Beelzebub raised their hands, as did Millie and Moxxie. Loona reluctantly raised hers.

 

“Who wants to kill this imp bastard and go home for lunch?” Satan smirked.

 

Everyone else raised their hands.

Rolando: “Yes! Everyone agrees to I.M.P.s death! Glorious!”

 

Striker winked and grinned again before being lowered down, tipping his hat.

 

Andrealphus gave Blitzo a smug smirk. “You should’ve stayed in your place, imp.” He walked down platforms of ice. “You see, this is what happens when lesser demons try to step out of line!” He pressed his high heel into Blitzo’s forehead.

 

Rolando: “Ouch, that’s gotta hurt.”

 

Andrealphus smirked again and vanished with a wave of his cloak.

 

Satan glowered. “For the treacherous crimes of stealing a Goetia’s grimoire for illegal use, bringing harm to a Goetic prince, and accessing the mortal coil without clearance or procedure…”

 

Satan pointed a claw. “…you, Blitzo, and your crew are hereby sentenced…”

 

Satan stood up, “…TO DEATH!”

 

Blitzo and his crew gasped in horror.

 

Rolando: “HAHAHAHA! AT LAST, I SHALL ENJOY THE SHOW AND GET MY REVENGE! YOU’LL JOIN ME IN THIS STUPID NON-EXISTENCE VOID PLACE!”

 

Satan continued. “…and due to your bold actions against the laws of Hell, your execution will be broadcasted across the Seven Rings, to remind all of imp kind why our power must never be challenged again.”

 

Rolando: “Oooh, YES! That’s even better!”

 

 

A mother imp was washing dishes with a baby and a boy imp in the room. The TV blinked on, and the family looked over. At a bar, Verosika, Wally Wackford, Emberlynn Pinkle and several succubi were talking at a table together. Purple neon hearts decorated the walls. Three TVs blinked on, and they glanced up.

 

An imp family with a grandma imp knitting, two queef dogs, a guy eating popcorn and two kids in the front row sat to watch, all gasping. Three imps sat on a couch and watched: two white-haired males and a female with short black hair and thick eye lashes.

 

Fizzarolli was eating a bowl of cereal near a Wally Wackford “Wacky Charms” money-themed cereal box. He slurped out of a curly straw. Fizzarolli gasped. Verosika gasped as well, looking up in concern. The TV showed Blitzo chained up.

 

“Your Honor,” Asmodeus raised his hand. “If I may speak on behalf of the imp. Blitzo is my lover Fizzarolli’s best friend. For all the times I have known him, he has shown no dishonorable act toward me or any royalty for that matter. Stolas and I…we may be different, but we’ve worked together well in the past. We’ve had peaceful talks…unlike some around here…”

He rolled his eyes at Mammon.

 

Beelzebub added her thoughts, too. “I’ve known the little guy, too! He’s a wild card, but fun to hang out with! He may indulge in overdrinking, but I’ve never seen him kill or force himself on anyone!”

 

Satan pretended not to hear them.

 

Mammon flirted with Leviathan, plopping himself next to her. “Hey, Levy! After we celebrate this imp’s death, let’s go out, huh? Out on the town, what do you reckon?” He moved his fingers forward in a walking motion. The white left head smiled, while the right purple serpent head glowered, rolling her eyes. Leviathan got up and moved her chair away from Mammon, much to the disgust of her white head.

 

Rolando: “Ugh! Mammon’s a greedy ass! Get away from him, Leviathan!”

 

“At least I don’t hang out with lower class phebs, like Bee and Ozzie up there,” Mammon scoffed.

 

Stolas was watching his “HELLUVA NOVELA: SEASON 2” show when an ad for “Wally Wackford’s Wacky Charms” cereal appeared with a muffin and juice: “$99 only!”

 

“LIVE: BREAKING NEWS! GRAB LOTS OF POPCORN! CUZ ON TONIGHT’S PROGRAM WE GET TO WATCH THIS GUY’S HEAD GO CHOPPY CHOPPY! STAY TUNED!!”

 

Stolas spat out his Beelzejuice and coughed. “Oh, my Lucifer!” he panicked. “What are they doing?!” He raced to the courtroom as fast as he could.

 

Rolando: “Why can’t you use a portal or something?”

 

The ground rumbled and a half-circle execution block appeared in front of Blitzo. He struggled against his chains and muzzle.

 

“No!” Blitzo cried as two reapers appeared behind his employees.

 

“Not them, Your Highness!” Blitzo cried, stepping forward. “It was me, it was all me! Y-you can’t expect to teach anyone a lesson by killing all of us!”

 

Rolando: *scoffs* “How noble of him to give up his life for his employees. Now they’ll get to watch his demise.”

 

Satan stomped forward and leaned forward. “YOU DARE TRY TO TELL ME HOW TO PUNISH?!”

 

Rolando: “Leviathan has her own form of therapy, I think. Whenever she would get stressed out, she would take the messengers who gave her bad news for a swim…and her giant monster fish pet would gobble them up! Her weekly videos were quite popular.”

 

“Uh, Satan?” Yogirt pipped up again. “Heh, sorry. You know what, you’re acting kind of red with anger, yes? Deep breaths again, clear away the negative vibes. Try some meditation…realign your charkas…yes?”

 

Rolando: “No, don’t clear away the negative vibes. Nothing vibes like the heavy stench of fear! Eum…unless it’s my own…”

 

Blitzo continued. “Look, all that Hell is gonna see is you executing imps and a hellhound who are just trying to do their job!”

 

He glanced at them. “I’m the rogue here, not them!”

 

Moxxie moved out of the reaper’s grip. “Blitz, what are you doing?”

 

Satan sighed. “Fine. I created imp kind to be my obedient servants anyways. I see no reason to punish the dutiful.” He spoke in a low voice. “Just axe the mouthy one.”

 

Blitzo froze, eyes wide. “Oh shit, I did not see that coming, look, I’m sorry, Mox, I did everything I could…”

 

“You know he means you, right?” Moxxie asked.

 

Rolando: *laughs*

 

The reaper growled as he laid a clawed black hand on Blitzo’s shoulder. Blitzo slumped. “Fuck me.”

 

Rolando: “Yes, fuck you, Blitzo! Hahaha!”

 

The reaper removed the chain around Blitzo’s neck and steered him toward the execution block. The reapers released Moxxie and Millie and soon vanished.

 

“Do you have any final words, imp?” Satan asked as he sat down. “We’ll pretend to care.”

 

Blitzo blinked his eyes shut, tears threatening to fall. “All I was trying to do was rise above the stupid fucking place YOU ALL FORCED US INTO! Treating our kind as nothing more than dirt to stomp on! My people enduring mockery and misery for centuries…you should’ve known some of us would get tired of that shit!”

 

“Your Highness, please!” called Millie. “Blitz just…”

 

“Mox, Mils, stop,” Blitzo responded.

 

“We can’t let them do this to you!” Millie choked.

 

Blitzo looked downcast. “This big, red bitch, never planned on hearing us out. Just…”

 

Blitzo looked up at a sad Loona, his eyes growing wet with tears, he choked, “J-just take care of Loona for me.”

 

Moxxie cried, tears falling. “No! I can’t look, Millie!”

 

More chains manifested and latched onto a new black collar around Blitzo’s neck inscribed with the red Sin sigils. The weight forced Blitzo onto his knees. He took big shaking breaths as a menacing executioner with bloodstained black robes manifested a giant deadly black axe with red eyes on the blade. Flames glowed in the dark void of his face.

 

Rolando: “You’re done for, Blitzo! If you ever end up double dead here, I’ll be glad to mess with your head again. And this time, I will never let you get free!”

 

Moxxie cried into Millie’s arms. Blitzo slowly lowered his head onto the execution block. Loona whimpered and turned away.

 

The axe was raised higher. Blitzo turned his head to look at his crying friends. Millie bravely eyed Blitzo, letting him know he was not alone.

 

“I love you guys,” Blitzo whispered, tears in his eyes.

 

The axe sliced down, and everyone gasped…

 

Rolando: *evil laughter*

 

“Ow, my holy neck,” muttered Yogirt. A lone feather fell down onto Blitzo.

 

Blitzo looked up, stunned to see…

 

“STOLAS?!”

 

The owl prince was back, manifesting a starry tear in reality, and blocking the axe.

 

Rolando: *spits out popcorn* “WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW DID STOLAS GET THERE?!”

 

“WHAT IN MY OWN HELL IS THIS?!” Satan roared, grabbing onto Yogirt.

 

Stolas used his magic to break Blitzo’s chain. “I’m about to explain everything in the only way I know how…” he said with a serious look…

 

“…song!” He posed with a hand over his heart.

 

Blitzo face-palmed on the execution block.

 

Rolando: “OH FUCK NO! YOU’RE DELAYING MY ENEMY’S DEATH WITH A STUPID SONG?! GO BACK TO THE OTHER PART!”

 

Vassago stood up and clapped for Stolas in a little dance. “Yes! Yes! ¡Cántalo, baby!” (Sing it, baby!”)

 

Satan sat bored, releasing Yogirt.

 

 

Stolas began his song.

“I came down just as soon as I heard of the imp
Stood accused of a devilish crime”

 

Stolas magically conjured rock stepping stones as he walked above the lava.

 

“Could it be that a worm such as this half a brain
Could concoct such a plot so sublime?”

 

Blitzo glared at Stolas as he continued.

“Does this fool deserve the flame?
Or is someone else to blame?”

 

Stolas posed with his cape obscuring his mouth like a villain. “Like who, you ask?”

 

Rolando: “Whoever thought that Stolas and Blitzo getting together was a good idea?”

 

He strolled on the cliff, waving an arm.

 

“Some kind of mastermind
A mind behind the plan!”

 

He raised his arms dramatically and flames shot up. He wandered around the Ars Goetia.

 

“Some villain’s grand design
To use the book
To breach the world of man!”

 

Stolas raised his hand in a pose toward the cavern ceiling.

 

“Could he be roaming free?”

He knocked over Mammon’s block tower of naughty words.

 

“Scheming more mastermindery?”

 

Rolando: “That’s not even a word, Stolas.”

 

He hovered around Leviathan and moved to Asmodeus and Beelzebub.

 

“Will he rest?
Who knows what he may unleash?”

 

He morphed into his red and black demonic owl form, rising into the air. He swooped over the Sins, waking up Belphegor.

 

He lowered and morphed back into his regular form, cupping Blitzo’s chin.

 

“Next, do you execute this little wretch?”

Blitzo seethed after Stolas turned around.

 

“Pat yourself on the back, close the case
Let this imp take the blame, take the flame
Let his name light a fire in the hearts of his race!
Why it’s more than I can bare…”

 

He spun around.

 

“I must make all of Hell aware!”

 

“Fuck it!” Stolas raised a fist.

 

“I am the mastermind, the hand that holds the strings!”

 

Satan snorted and glared at Stolas. Stolas continued.

 

Rolando: “Stolas, just tell him why you lent the book to Blitzo…no need to sing about it! This ain’t a Disney musical!”

 

“No simple imp of mine could master the disaster
Oh, it stings!
That you thought
You had caught the schemer of the schemes I wrought!”

 

He spun and pointed at Satan.

 

“I confess!
It was me and I have no regrets!”

 

A starry universe scene played in Stolas’ mind and Blitzo’s. The owl somberly lowered his head.

 

 

Rolando: “Yuck! A love song?! That’s fucking disgusting!”

 

“I have regrets
Why am I throwing my freedom away
For this idiot?”

 

Blitzo glared at Stolas. “Hey!”
“What have you done?”

 

“I would rather be dead,” Stolas proclaimed “…than to live without you by my side!”

 

Blitzo lamented in answer: “I can’t live life without you by my side!”

 

“So, if it keeps you alive!” Stolas declared.

 

Blitzo gasped and strained against his chains. “What are you doing?! I don’t deserve this!”

 

Stolas sang, “I am the mastermind, the master of my fate!”

 

“I realized too late!” Blitzo replied.

 

“Sure as the stars have shined,” sang Stolas.

 

Blitzo called, “Don’t give your life to clean my slate!” just as Stolas belted at the same time: “I give up my life to clean your slate!”

 

Stolas declared, “You’re my light!”

 

Blitzo choked and sobbed, “You’re my heart!”

 

Blitzo and Stolas lamented and sang together. “Only death can render our love apart!” Shooting stars flew overhead.

 

Rolando: “Then I hope both of you die!”

 

Satan chuckled and scoffed, bringing them back to the courtroom. Smoke flew from his mouth.

 

“Well, isn’t that adorable? We have been betrayed by one of our own. A Goetic demon. Your hubris has gotten the better of you, Prince Stolas.”

 

Satan stood up and stomped his hoof in authority, cracking the steps as he sang.

 

“I am the mastermind, and here I am the law!”

 

“He is the law!” chorused the other Sins.

 

Rolando: “Oh? Satan has a song, too?”

 

“I’ve ruled the endless dark

Since long before the golden angel’s fall…”

 

Rolando: “Satan’s a liar. Lucifer came first. Is he sacred of Lucifer’s power over him, I wonder? Hmmm…”

 

Satan conjured a light image of the six-winged Lucifer in his hand. Asmodeus and Beelzebub shared a look, knowing that Lucifer was the first ruler instead of Satan.

 

Rolando: “Just so you guys know, I could totally possess another Sin if Lady Leviathan granted me permission and her powers! Sadly, such a situation would be impossible.”

 

“So you see…”

 

Satan’s eyes lit up in orange-red flames.

 

“…next to me, your master plans look so small…”

 

Satan conjured explosions throughout the courtroom that shook Blitzo and Stolas.

 

“Little mice!”

 

Flames shot up in front of him. Satan leaned in and breathed menacingly, towering over Stolas and Blitzo.

 

“When you break my rules…”

 

He conjured chains that violently bound Stolas by his arms and neck. He now had a black collar with the Sin symbols on his neck. Mammon and Andrealphus grinned in triumph.

 

Satan finished in a long booming voice. “You…pay…the…priiiicccceee!”

 

Satan then sat on his throne, pointing at the imps and hellhound. “Release the pawn!”

 

The chain unlatched around Blitzo’s neck.

 

“Stolas of the Ars Goetia,” Satan growled. “YOU ARE A DISGRACE!”

 

Blitzo stumbled and raced over with an outstretched hand. “No! No, th…”

 

Blitzo grabbed onto Stolas’ red cape. “Stolas, you…you can’t! You can’t do this!”

 

Stolas turned away.

 

“Stolas, please!”

 

Blitzo found himself being dragged away by the guards. “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”

 

He struggled from their grip. “Stolas!”

 

A manifested rope caught around Blitzo’s neck, dragging him back. His hands were bound in manacles.

 

“Fucking… use your powers! Do something!”

 

Rolando: “You don’t deserve him, Blitzo! You don’t deserve anybody!”

 

Tears spilled from Blitzo’s eyes. “STOLAS!”

 

Blitzo was shoved onto the ground, the chains vanishing.

 

“AH! LET ME BACK IN!”

 

The doors slammed shut, the glowing designs fading.

 

He pounded against the door in vain.

 

“WOW! This is a sturdy door!”

 

He punched it and waved his wrist in pain. “Ow! My supple wrist!”

 

Rolando: “Heh.”

 

Blitzo sobbed, lowering his head until Moxxie put a hand on his shoulder. “Sir! Sir!”

 

Blitzo turned around to find all his employees crying in relief.

 

Rolando: “Why did they have to ruin my moment of triumph?!”

 

They all embraced in a group hug.

 

“Dad!” Loona cried.

 

“You’re here!” exclaimed Moxxie.

 

“Don’t you ever do that to me again, you fucking idiot!” Millie added.

 

The four assassins let themselves be warmed by their hug, all of them thankful to be alive.

 

 

Octavia watched TV, “Hell-G Network” labeled at the bottom. To her horror, she saw Stolas somberly lower his head onto the execution block. She raced from the room, only for Stella to block her way.

 

Stella closed her eyes and held out her arms. Octavia rushed into her mother’s arms, sobbing with twittering bird cries. Stella rubbed her daughter’s hair…and revealed a hidden evil smirk.

 

Rolando: “Looks like Stella is up to no good. Poor Octavia’s in for a sinister treat! Hehehehe.”

 

 

“Uhh…what’re you doin’?” Satan asked.

 

“Um…” Stolas began, standing up. “I mean…aren’t you going to…you know…” He made a motion of sliding his finger across his neck, “…execute me?”

 

“Hah! Aw of course not! You are a Goetia.”

 

“But I committed a heinous crime.”

 

“Yeah, you did. But, you are demon royalty sooo…your life has actual worth.”

 

Rolando: *growls* “Those prissy royal pricks think they can do whatever they want to the lower class. Even to those middle class like me! I risked my life to go up to Earth to infest humans, and the only thanks I get is measly pay and a few online comments! How pathetic! My life is the only one worthwhile…I swear I’m surrounded by worthless scum!”

 

“So…” Stolas added, “Uh…” He pointed to the door. “Can I…can I go then?”

 

Satan burst into laughter, holding onto his knees.

 

“NO! Ooh, ooh. No. no. You still definitely fucked up, we just need to figure out a fitting punishment for you.” He moved his fingers together.

 

“Might I suggest something, Your Majesty?” Andrealphus grinned and slid over to Stolas on his ice slide. He lowered a finger and burnt away the chains binding Stolas’ arms. The reapers vanished.

 

“I think you should banish this shameful excuse for a prince and allow someone else to take over his legions. Considering the heir isn’t yet of age, I’d be happy to volunteer. After all, I’m everything he is, but NOT a deviant piece of shit!”

 

Rolando: “Oooof.”

 

Andrealphus sneered next to Stolas.

 

“Yeah, that works,” Satan replied, standing up.

 

“STOLAS!” Satan, announced with authority. “I HEREBY STRIP YOU OF YOUR STATUS, YOUR POWER, AND YOUR TITLE…”

 

Andrealphus hovered around Stolas, grinning triumphantly. “YESSS! YESSS!”

 

He let out a final “YESSSSS!” tearing off his coat and posing on his knees.

 

Rolando: *scoffs* “This guy’s a freaking nutjob!”

 

“…FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!” Satan finished.

 

“WAIT, WHAT?!” Andrealphus asked in shock. One hundred years was only a few minutes in the long Goetia lifespan.

 

Satan conjured five magical giant golden rings, with the Seven Sin Sigils glowing on them in pink.

 

The rings lifted up Stolas, black electricity zapping around him. Stolas’ eyes turned black, and he writhed in pain. He could feel his power and energy being zapped away, all the magic sapped from his veins. The rings soon dropped him to the ground in a heap and hovered back into place, lowering out of sight. His royal hat and crown toppled away. His red cape was torn.

 

Stolas moaned weakly, his red eyes now having white pupils.

 

Satan added, “You will have to live amongst the citizens of Hell and revel in your own failings!”

 

Rolando: “Have fun being homeless, Stolas! Hahaha!”

 

“But what about my daughter?” Stolas weakly asked.

 

Andrealphus bore a look of haughtiness.

 

“She’ll be safe and sound…with her mother. The wholesome parent!”

 

Rolando: “Ooooh the drama and the trauma! Stella will certainly…’take care’ of her…”

 

“I guess that settles it!” Satan called. He cleared his throat and clapped his hands. “Court’s adjourned, time for lunch!”

 

Mammon cheered. “Yeah! It’s fucking lunch time!” He leaned down and stuffed his face full of green chicken legs and green meat in vats. Green liquid spilled onto the benches. Asmodeus and Beelzebub looked disgusted.

 

Rolando: “How gross, Mammon! Even my kills aren’t as messy…most of the time.”

 

Andrealphus moved his face upside-down, taunting Stolas one last time.

 

“Buh-bye Stolas! Enjoy horny jail!”

 

Rolando: “Hahahaha!”

 

Meanwhile, Blitzo was still pounding on the doors.

 

“YOU! UH-UGH, YOU OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT-AHH!”

 

Blitzo was shoved away as the doors opened. Two reapers carried the limp Stolas and tossed him roughly to the ground. The doors slammed shut. The light from the setting sun peered through the windows and banners with the Sin symbols lined the hall.

 

“Stolas?” Blitzo asked, concerned, trying to help him up. “What happened in there?”

 

Stolas sat up. “I…have been banish-ed…”

 

A cup of coffee hit Stolas on the head. An imp janitor had thrown it and was flipping Stolas off near his cleaning supplies.

 

“You suck, Stolas!”

 

Blitzo flipped him back. “Hey! Fuck off, fuck-o!”

 

Rolando: “Blitzo never gets tired of swearing.”

 

Stolas shrugged, standing up. “No, it’s fine, Blitz. I’m okay.”

 

“You need a ride home,” Blitzo noted.

 

Stolas stared at the floor, trying not to cry. “I…have no home now. Everything I have is gone.” Everyone looked up at him sadly.

 

Rolando: “Well, you’re screwed, Stolas!”

 

Blitzo stepped forward. “Look, come with me, alright? Let’s get you out of here, n’ you’ll need a place to stay.” He gently took Stolas’ hand and led him out of the hall. The others followed.

 

“Yeaaah, let’s not do that again,” Millie remarked once they got outside. Millie and Moxxie got into an old yellow taxi. Moxxie somberly waved goodbye from the window.

 

Blitzo couldn’t believe what he saw next. Imps were cheering from the apartment windows. A banner read “WE LOVE BLITZ!”

 

Rolando: *seethes* “What madness! Blitzo is not a hero! He’s a red nosy little jerk who thinks he can get involved in the jobs of other killers!”

 

Blitzo waved self-consciously.

 

“Ah, Thank you everyone! Thank you. Gracias.”

 

A few imps booed and threw food at Stolas. He was dumped in green slime.

 

Rolando: “Hahahaha!”

 

Blitzo glanced over. “But-okay-the-throwing? Not necessary, heh, ‘kay? Thank you.”

 

 

Loona flicked on the lights in Blitzo’s apartment, also holding Blitzo’s golden horse key.

 

Blitzo led Stolas in and closed the door. A wooden “Welcome” sign was over the door.

 

Stolas’ head hit a black ceiling fan, and he nudged it back in place. Red light peered through the blinds near an old TV by the couch. A potted plant was next to the TV.

 

Loona placed the keys on the table and turned to Blitzo.

 

“Hey, um. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

 

They shared a warm hug.

 

“I love you, dad.” Loona smiled.

 

Stolas stood with a somber look.

 

“Come on,” Blitzo said to Stolas after the hug from Loona. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

 

 Stolas sat in the bath and let Blitzo wash his feathery back with a washcloth.

 

“Here we go, here we go,” Blitzo smiled. Stolas flapped his lips.

 

“Here you are,” said Blitzo, washing along Stolas’ head. “Some nice agua.”

 

Rolando: “I hope this isn’t going too far if you know what I mean…”

 

Blitzo heard a knock on the door. He got up. Loona came in and with a small smile, had a folded sweater for Stolas in her hands. It was a white and red sweater with a red paw print on it. Blitzo gave her an appreciative smile.

 

Blitzo glanced behind him and pulled Stolas’ head out of the water.

 

“Oop! Try not to inhale the water.”

 

Rolando: “So depressed, he’s trying to drown himself! Heheheh.”

 

Blitzo closed the door. Then he opened it again to check on Stolas.

 

“Yeah, try not inhaling the water.”

 

He closed the door again.

 

Stolas let out a long, depressed sigh.

 

Rolando: “Oh I wish I could taste some of that, dammit!”

 

Blitzo smiled as he looked at his phone.

 

“INFERNAL NEWS: VICTORY FOR I.M.P.!”

 

Blitzo swiped to the right and to his delight, he had almost a hundred new emails. Demons right and left were looking up to him, asking him about getting hired at I.M.P.!

 

Rolando: “No, we don’t need any more I.M.P. minions. They call themselves assassins! Pathetic!”

 

Blitzo looked up as Stolas came out of the bathroom. He slouched forward, a brown towel falling off his head. He wore Loona’s sweater. Blitzo took his hands and helped him sit on the couch.

 

“Thank you, Blitz,” Stolas said sadly.

 

“Thank you, Stolas,” Blitzo added, looking away for a moment. “For saving my life.”

 

“Always,” Stolas answered, exhausted.

 

“Hey, Stolas, I…” he began. But Stolas was already fast asleep.

 

Blitzo kissed Stolas on the cheek and stared happily at the fireworks.

 

Rolando: “Yeah, enjoy your celebration for now, Blitzo. But soon enough, you’ll get what’s coming to you!”

 

Rolando: “Well that’s the end of that episode. Can’t believe I was this close to revenge! All they had to do was cut Blitzo out of existence, but some featherbrain had to save the day. *growls* Maybe next time?”

 

Rolando: “Say, did you like our meat snack, mortal? Good, wasn’t it? Wanna know what it was? Nope, not chicken. Not beef. Pork? No, but you’re getting close!”

 

Rolando: “Let’s just say my special meat you had was…quite personal…”

 

*Takes a leftover human finger and pops it into his mouth*

 

*Laughs evilly*