Several
days before the events of Helluva Boss’ “C.H.E.R.U.B.”
Cletus, Keenie and
Collin lounged in their spotless office in a giant harp-shaped building. The
skyscraper building with a golden harp and strings as part of the design was
C.H.E.R.U.B. headquarters. An exhausted Collin sank back on a nearby sofa,
massaging his cloven wrist after several hours of completing paperwork. On a
nearby white board, “God loves you,” “Be a sheep, not a creep,” and “Live a
Life of Love” was written in various colored marker. Keenie had written
“Damnation to all demons” in cursive on one corner of the board. The
ginger-haired Cletus drank quietly from a white mug that read “God’s Faithful
Disciple Is Also Your #1 Boss.” Keenie fluffed up her yellow frilly dress and
straightened her red hair bow.
Collin smiled and handed
Keenie two white roses. Keenie smiled back and took them, thinking about how
adorable Collin looked.
“Why…do I have to fill
out…all the paperwork?” Collin asked between breaths as he rested.
“Because you’re the best
at it and you’re also pretty much a wuss everywhere else,” Keenie replied with
a grin. Collin’s face turned red.
“That’s n-n-not very
nice,” Collin replied with a stutter. “I may have been a recorder of the faiths
and sins of humans for a while but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get old
fast…which it does!”
“Oh stop it with your
jittering,” Keenie replied with a roll of her large eyes. “Count yourself lucky
that you’re part of a group dedicated to bettering the lives of those humans!”
“Indeed
I am,” Collin said. He recited one of his favorite passages, one that he lived
by daily:
“’Love means living the way God
commanded us to live. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is
this: Live a life of love.’” John 1:6 (NCV). I do love
humans…Except when they’re mean and s-s-sinful and stuff.”
“Either way, it’s our
job,” Cletus said as he slurped his mug of iced coffee. “Don’t forget about our
recent assignment we completed.”
“Dolly Dolores was the
woman that angel requested us to bless,” Keenie said. “Thankfully it was easy
to do. She’s been donating to Evangelical churches all across the U.S. Now she
will live a good life and be guaranteed access to Heaven!”
Cletus added, “And
Samuel Hawkins, inventor of modern technology to help with inter-dimensional
communication. We thought global communication on Earth was impressive enough.
Now we can easily call and chat with anyone in Heaven, Earth or Hell…at least,
God and a few elite can in regard to the inferior realms.”
Collin pondered. “Does
that explain why Heaven commercials sometimes appear in Hell?”
Cletus nodded. “Yep!
Gotta bring hope to family members, even to those who have sinned. One of his
inventions, Vivoom (Our online Zoom communication) was sponsored by a
technology demon named Vox. He was always a fan of V names.”
Collin looked uneasy.
“Why have I heard that name before…”
“We angels are given
lists of dangerous demons and their traits so we can briefly study them in case
they decide to attack,” Keenie said. “Of course, they’d have to go through the
Exorcists first; they wouldn’t dare. One shot from angelic weapons and they’re
devil dust!”
Keenie rammed her fist
against her palm.
“We also bless the poor,
right?” Collin asked. “I don’t recall her being very nice to the homeless.”
“Not as often,” Cletus
said. “Usually the ones we get requests for are white human males who are
family members or role models for said angel client. Often times they’re famous…and
sometimes stupid.”
“So…we can’t just go
down and bless those who truly deserve it?” Collin whispered.
“Nope,” Keenie declined
with a wave of her hoof. “A mission is a mission. Whoever our client says we
need to bless, we do it. No matter how selfish or stupid they may be. It not
only keeps our clients happy but it also (hopefully) encourages the human to do
good so that one day, they may arrive here in Heaven, ready to love and cherish
God. Thus our civilization can thrive and
grow, and all those filthy demons down below can eventually meet their end in
divine hands.”
Her eyes briefly glowed
and small eyes appeared on her wings before she quickly returned to her regular
self. She smirked at Collin’s fearful face.
Collin shivered. “I hate
it when you go to your Angel Form.”
“You should try it
sometime. All types of angels and demons can do it. Perhaps it’ll make you less
of a soft coward.”
“D-don’t you call me a
coward!” Then he added, “I don’t think that’s how it works. Only saints,
sinners and the elite can fully transform.”
“Hmph. Says how much you
know.”
“That’s enough guys,”
Cletus spat at his employees. “You’re interrupting my contemplation of paradise
and life.” Cletus stared at a picture on the wall of a smiling white man
dressed in a white top hat with a gold cross on it. His eyes were obscured
under his hat. A plaque down below read, “He watches us, always.”
“Is that God?” Collin
asked.
“Who else would it be?”
Cletus shrugged.
“Doesn’t look like him. Isn’t
he just dressed up? Surely that’s not his true form.”
“You don’t know what his
true form looks like,” Keenie said.
“Neither do you.”
“I don’t care what form
he takes,” Cletus replied. “As long as we follow his Word and the Word of our
Lord Jesus Christ, things will go smoothly. Remember what he said recently: “Surround yourself with people who’ll lift
you up…’”
“’…so
ditch the ones you cannot use,’” Keenie finished. “Makes
sense to me.”
“Hold up!” Collin said,
flying up in front of them. The other cherubs stood up and hovered in place. “I
don’t think God would encourage us to ditch friends who won’t help us get to
the top. He’d surely want all of us to love one another and live simple lives. Plus,
that’s not even His actual quote! I read the Bible a bazillion times!”
“But it was explicitly
stated on the sign,” Keenie argued. “With an orangeish face to prove it!”
“I think it was a
prank,” Collin stated, crossing his arms.
“We’ve all learned that
to glorify God, we must support and beautify our community,” Cletus explained.
“Back in the 2000s, I founded C.H.E.R.U.B. on behalf of God to bless his
favorite creation: man. Plus even though we live in a comfy cloudy Cherub
Towne, we still need to get by. Money is money. Extravagance and respect is our
ideal.”
Collin
narrowed his eyes.
“A pretentious, showy life is an
empty life; a plain and simple life is a full life.” Proverbs
13:7 (Msg)
Keenie looked in
approval at Collin.
He continued. “Technically,
our Father hasn’t formerly endorsed our organization,” Collin reminded them.
“In fact, I think it’s illegal for angels to interact with mortals unless it’s a
divine mission or an emergency...”
“It’s always an
emergency here!” Cletus declared, flying into Collin’s face, causing the
periwinkle sheep cherub to flinch back, flying into a chair and knocking it
over. Bobble heads of Keenie and Collin spun around on the large white table as
it briefly shook. Cletus quickly picked them up and put them in his large
overall pocket.
Cletus blushed a bit as
his companions gave him looks.
“Oh come on, Collin,”
Keenie said. “We’re cherubs! No one would automatically suspect any lower-class
citizens sneaking off to earth. That was also Cletus’ idea.” Cletus beamed with
a thumbs up at Keenie and Collin.
“Besides,” Keenie added,
“It’s only natural for us to want the best in Heaven. Recognition, money,
wealth, glory. For our happiness will result in God’s joy.”
“Well…if you say so,”
Collin said. Then he muttered, “But it still feels like greed…and if we were to
get caught making a mistake…” He shuddered again.
“C.H.E.R.U.B. never
makes mistakes!” Cletus declared. “It’s in our name: Cherishing Human Existence,
Releasing Unlimited Blessings.”
“I don’t think that’s
what the acronym…”
“No one cares what you
think, Collin!” Keenie added, elbowing Collin who winced.
“Oh God, Keenie…”
“And don’t use His name
in vain!”
“Enough!” Cletus
bellowed. “Your petty arguments are getting us nowhere. For once, let a
seasoned cherub have some peace and quiet!”
“Says you, whiny baby,”
Keenie said. “You’re not even a proper animal cherub!”
“Oh yeah? Then what are
those strange visible lumps on your chest, Keenie?”
Keenie briefly looked
down at her breasts and turned light red. “So inappropriate, Cletus!” she
seethed with a “baa.”
Cletus smirked. “I know,
but you still got a kick outta that.”
“Oh, you want a kick?
I’ll show you…”
Before Keenie could kick
her companions in the groins (she was looking at Collin too), a large computer
and screen on the table flickered to life. “Incoming call” was displayed on the
screen as the Jesuskype (Jesus themed Skype) logo appeared. Cletus tapped the
“accept” button.
A white sheep cherub
named Rachel appeared on the light blue screen, a black cross necklace around
her neck, her hands folded in prayer. The three cherubs stood in front of the
computer screen and folded their hands. They did little respectful bows as signs
of greeting.
“Greetings, fellow
cherubs,” Rachel smiled. “How are you all today?”
“We’re doing good,”
Keenie said, delighted to see their fellow friends.
Another sheep, Beau,
appeared on the screen, licking a rainbow lollipop that had been grown like a
tree. “Baaaack to work, I see?”
“The usual,” Cletus
remarked, puffing out his chest in pride. “’Need someone to bless and love in
the living world? Come to C.H.E.R.U.B.!’”
“You don’t need to
memorize the words on our billboard, Cletus,” Keenie whispered in his ear.
“It never hurts,” Cletus
whispered back before turning back to the screen.
Beside Rachel, two
yellow and orange bumblebee angels appeared with smiles on their faces.
“Bea! Honey!” Collin exclaimed
to the two bee angels. “How’ve you been?”
“Busy, busy!” Bea buzzed
happily. “My siblings and I are flying to and fro to different heavenly
flowers, making sure they stay pollinated and healthy.”
“And I work with a
special group to create heavenly honey to help feed families,” Honey explained.
“Every bee works in their own honeycomb section. We send the substances we make
to our Queen Bee CEO for review and then it gets sent off to the other Halos
(districts like the Hell Rings) for the denizens to enjoy.”
Cletus was glad he
didn’t have to worry about any production or farm work. Although many cherubs
enjoyed doing their services to the higher up saints and angels, it was still
tedious (and not enough desired pay to begin with).
“Sounds very
productive,” Collin mentioned.
“It keeps us on our
wings, that’s for sure,” said Bea. “So happy to be able to meet with other
amazing cherubs.”
“You ever feel lonely?”
Collin asked.
“Sometimes,” Bea said.
“I love my heavenly family a lot. One of my friends Bumble is a bee angel, a
former human.” Bea leaned in and whispered, “I heard his cousins got sent to
Hell. That’s why God won’t let him see them ever again.”
The cherubs gasped in
horror, hooves and hands covering their mouths.
“How awful!” Keenie
whimpered.
“It’s true,” Bea said,
flying back. “Bumble told me that Stinger, Wasp, and Buzza turned into wasp and
hornet demons in Hell! Stinger was a murder hornet…literally. Wasp was greedy
and kept everything for himself, and Buzza? Well, she’s what many called, a
‘whore-net.’”
The cherubs gasped
again…Beau fainted in Rachel’s arms. Rachel comforted her companion and laid
her down on a cloud. She turned back to the camera and laughed nervously.
“She’ll be fine, she’ll be fine.”
There was an awkward
silence.
“Anyway,” Rachel said,
“My boyfriend Jacob and I are doing alright. Interesting story: one of Jacob’s
old friends decided it would be funny to test his shapeshifting abilities. His
friend is a mighty lion named Solael who likes to carry little cherubs around.
Anyway, this angelic lion transformed into a sheep and offered himself as a
sacrifice to a bunch of royal guards. (This was so he, Jacob and myself could
sneak into the palace and try to catch a glimpse of Metatron at work. Jacob’s a
bit of a fanatic.) Any-who, the plan didn’t work very well and we were kicked
out before we could reach the doors. Solael transformed back into his Aslan
form and scared off the guards, allowing us to escape. Solael bellowed, ‘Behold!
My revived and true form!’ He appeared to be poorly imitating Jesus to many
bystanders. As punishment, Solael was made to turn invisible every time someone
looked at him (though God and a few others could see him.) Thus, he’s not as
prideful anymore.”
“Whoa,” said Cletus with
a laugh. “And they say I’m full of myself.”
“Last I heard of Solael,
he had solemnly stated, ‘I wish I could’ve worked as secretary for C.H.E.R.U.B.’”
Cletus, Collin and
Keenie burst into laughter. “Likely story!” Cletus chortled, his halo swaying
from side to side as he caught his breath. “Being invisible doesn’t allow you
to keep a job!”
“Ah,” Rachel sighed in
content. “Good times. Say, C.H.E.R.U.B., wanna hang out with us at Christ
Circle in Holy City? The Laughing Lambs will be telling jokes.”
“Lame,” Keenie yawned.
“And don’t get me started on all those bands that feature sheep and babies
playing on harps and trumpets. Gets old fast.”
Rachel grinned. “For the
edgier types, there’s the Seraph’s Wrath. They do rock music and White Metal,
and they swear behind the curtain. Perhaps Jacob can smuggle in some Cloud Nine
Wine for us.”
Keenie grinned, “I’m
in!”
“Ooh, ooh!” Collin
beamed, light purple eyes shining, pushing slightly in front of Keenie. “I can
bring angel food cake and God-opoly! Or if you’re into cards, I have the
classic Go Ichthys!” Then he said in a sing-song voice, “We could even do a
sleepover!”
He looked at Keenie and
blushed with a wink. The yellow winged sheep merely raised an eyebrow at his
ridiculousness. Just then…
“Yeeeaaahh no! No, no,
no.”
“Oh no!” Rachel groaned
at the familiar voice, looking off to the side. “Deerie’s coming back!”
“Gotta look prompt, look
prompt!” Bea exclaimed, going into a quick salute.
“Oh, her?” Keenie rolled
her eyes and scoffed. “Naysayer doe-doe deer is just jealous of our many
accomplishments.”
“She should write in her
records, ‘C.H.E.R.U.B. saves mortals again, kicks the divine derriere of patronizing
Deerie,’” Cletus said.
The other cherubs
snickered.
“Rachel!” Deerie called.
“Be sure you’re doing your rounds and not
talking to those trouble-making wannabe sheep! Our reports must be perfect
as usual. Wouldn’t want anyone, especially me to notice any slacking off,
hehehehe!”
“Ahhh, we gotta go!”
Rachel cried, her eyes wide. “Don’t want to make our other friend mad. Can you
make it later? Saturday?”
“Saturday’s a holy day!”
Collin said.
“Only for Jews,” Cletus
said. “Sunday’s our holy day.”
“Sure it wasn’t Friday?”
“Collin…”
“We’ll do a sun-check,”
Cletus replied.
“Don’t you mean rain
check?” Collin asked.
Keenie slapped Collin in
the face a few times as hearts briefly appeared in his eyes.
“May God bless you all!
Goodbye!” Rachel called before the screen went blank.
The office was silent
once more.
“That was…interesting,”
Collin said, straightening his white bow tie. “Anyone wanna listen to my ‘Human
Happiness Should Take Priority Over Our Material Benefits’ speech?”
“Get back to work,
sheep!” Cletus and Keenie bellowed in response.
“O-okay…” Collin
stuttered, sitting at the desk and rummaging through the last of the paperwork
stacks.
“Don’t forget, we film
our new commercial tomorrow,” said Cletus. “On Earth at 7:00AM sharp. Be
prepared to sing our jingle.”
“And try not to get
mauled by wild animals,” Keenie added.
Collin groaned, his head
banging against the desk.
